Ciel looked at his watch. 11:54. He had a feeling Sebastian was also looking at a clock. Probably anticipating exactly what he would say when Ciel walked through the door. "Hello, Ciel, how are you?," he would say in that excited voice of his, as if he hadn't seen Ciel for a long time, as if they were lovers reuniting.

Lovers. We are not lovers. And we won't ever be. Not unless I get over Alois. Ciel just wanted to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about Alois. You think about him every minute of every day. That stupid blond hair, and those stupid blue eyes, and... JUST STOP!

The book shop was right around the corner. Sebastian was probably staring at the door right about now. Ciel could imagine his eyes lighting up as soon as he saw Ciel. He sighed. "What are we going to do, Ciel? How are we going to avoid breaking that poor man's heart?" But there was no 'we,' Ciel was alone. He would break Sebastian's heart, inevitably. Surely Sebastian could see that too. Surely he knew it would happen. But he loves me enough to risk that. What Sebastian felt was nothing short of true love.

Ciel took a deep breath and pushed the door open. He braced himself for Sebastian's rush of emotion. That voice that could both make and break someone. "Hey, Sebastian," he said, trying not to sound too frustrated. Trying to shake all of his Alois filled thoughts away.

"Ciel!" There it was, that rush of excitement. That one word, Ciel. So filled with love and joy. The word that made Sebastian forget about his depression. "How are you?"

Well, Sebastian, I'm not too well actually. I'm making a completely idiotic decision right now. I shouldn't be taking you to my favorite restaurant. I shouldn't have called this a date. I'm not good enough for you. I'm a horrible person. I have a past that I can't tell you about because it would hurt you too much. Oh yeah...I'm also still in love with the worst person in the world. So, basically, I'm feeling fucking terrible. "I'm great," he said, tone flat.

Sebastian's eyes momentarily widened, but his gaze quickly returned back to normal. "That's good. Are you ready to go?"

No. "Yeah."

Ciel led Sebastian out, debating on whether he should take his hand or not. Better not. It would be yet another stupid decision. He shut the door after Sebastian was outside. Sebastian's eyes lingered on the knob for a second. Ciel could tell he was trying hard not to open and close it again. He touched Sebastian's shoulders. "Come on," he said, gently.

Sebastian shook his head, very slightly, it would have gone unnoticed if not for Ciel staring at him, full of concern. "It's alright, Sebastian. Let's go, you're hungry, aren't you?" Ciel tried to smile, though his mood was steadily getting worse.

"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I just usually...never mind..." Sebastian trailed off, eyes getting their faraway look, that look that was becoming all too familiar for the both of them.

"You still don't remember, do you? About your past?" Ciel shouldn't have brought it up. He should have shrugged it off, should have let the subject drop. The more he pestered Sebastian about his past, the more likely his own past would come to the surface. Ciel wasn't ready to face that. Not now, not ever. But rebelling against his mind was becoming a common occurrence the past few days. "Do you think that if we talked about it, you would remember?"

Sebastian stared at him, silently. He finally shook his head, slowly, solemnly. "I still don't remember, Ciel. And if it's okay with you, I'd rather not remember." He started to walk ahead of Ciel, a few strides faster.

I'm an idiot! "I'm sorry, Sebastian, I shouldn't have-"

Sebastian turned around. His eyes were wet with tears. "Can we please just eat, Ciel? I don't want to cry. I cry too much."

"Of course, I-"

Sebastian cut him off, suddenly grabbing his shoulders, almost forcefully.

Ciel was shocked. Was this really Sebastian? Timid, awkward, Sebastian?

Sebastian's grip tightened, he stared straight into Ciel's eyes for several seconds, tears falling freely. "Why do I have to be like this?" He said, self-hatred evident in his voice.

"We're all messed up," Ciel replied. You have depression, OCD, social anxiety, and god knows what else. I'm in love with a sadistic bastard. We're both about as messed up as people come.

Finally Sebastian's face fell, he buried himself in Ciel's chest. It was a scene reminiscent of the day in the kitchen, when Ciel had held him for hours. Had that only been a day ago? Ciel held him again, stroking his hair softly, letting them sway back and forth in the bitter wind.

A few people walked by, either ignoring the scene or smiling inconspicuously. Ciel closed his eyes against Sebastian, feeling the warm body heat that radiated off of him. "We're going to be late," he whispered, softly. "I made reservations for 12:30."

Sebastian finally pried himself away, tears dried. He sniffled and smiled. "I'm sorry. I keep losing it, for no reason at all."

"It's alright, Sebastian. That's what I'm here for, right? Fuck, it's cold out here, come on, we might make our reservation if we hurry." Ciel opened the passenger door of the car, letting Sebastian in. Sebastian glanced from the door to Ciel and back to the door again.

"Let me guess, no one's ever opened a door for you before." He's just like a newborn child, isn't he? Learning one step at a time.

Sebastian smiled thoughtfully. "One of my foster mothers opened the door for me once. It was strange then, and it's a bit strange now...but...I like it." He paused. "Thank you, Ciel."

Stop doing that! Stop treating me like I'm God's gift from heaven! I don't deserve it. "It's no problem, Sebastian, really." He started the engine and let the radio play. "The restaurant is called Wo Ai Ni. Mandarin for, I love you."

Sebastian smiled. "That sounds nice." He closed his eyes against the seat and laid back. Ciel smiled back, despite his brain still telling him that this was a very bad decision and that if he were wise, he would kick Sebastian out of his car, drive off, and never see him again. Don't ruin the poor man's life. Or at least, don't ruin it more than it's already been ruined.

Ciel drove in silence, trying not to look at Sebastian, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. He turned the volume up on the radio, trying to get his mind to focus on the music. The current song was Not In Love. Ciel nearly screamed. Good job, Alois. Thanks for ruining the song. He changed the station. Sebastian glanced at him. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Sebastian."

"Is it Alois?"

Ciel nearly slammed on the brakes. "How did you know?"

"It's obvious. Whenever you get that faraway look, I know it's about Alois. Do you still love him, Ciel?"

"I'm asking you out, aren't I?" But Ciel knew it was pointless, Sebastian could tell.

"It's alright, Ciel. You're afraid of hurting me, aren't you?" Sebastian was now looking directly at him. "I'm fine. You couldn't hurt me if you tried."

How does he know? Am I that obvious? "But I can hurt you, and I will, eventually.I don't want to, Sebastian. You're already hurt, you've been hurt for so long. I don't want to make it worse. I want you to be happy."

Sebastian smiled. "I'm happy when I'm with you, Ciel."

That was the nail in the coffin. Ciel wanted to scream and cry at the same time. "But you deserve better, don't you see that?! Don't you see that, Sebastian? Don't you see how-"

"Stop it, Ciel! Stop calling yourself 'bad.' You're not. You're a good person. You're the only person to ever care about me, the only person to ever be there for me. You're the best person I've ever met." Sebastian's face was red, this time, not because of embarrassment, but because of anger. It was the first time Ciel had ever seen him angry. For once, Sebastian was completely invulnerable, completely in control. "Don't you dare call yourself bad again, Ciel! Don't you dare!" Sebastian sat back, face returning to it's normal pale shade.

Ciel stared at him in shock. "I-I'm sorry, Sebastian." For the first time, their situations were reversed. Ciel was the one reduced to stuttering, reduced to feeling like a child. And Sebastian was the one guiding him. "So you're okay with it?"

"Okay with what?" The familiar look of confusion spread across Sebastian's face, as if his outburst was already forgotten.

"Okay with me liking Alois?"

Sebastian ignored the question."Do you like me, Ciel? Not just as a friend, but as-as, more..." Sebastian trailed off. "What I mean is, you're not just doing this because you know I like you, right?" He shook his head. "Wait, don't answer that, I don't think I want to know."

Ciel stared at him. "I like you, Sebastian." Do I like you as more than friends? I don't know yet. I just want you to be happy. That's all that matters right now. I'm going to make you happy, and I'm not going to break your heart. I'm going to do all I can to be the best person I can be. "I like you, and whether that means as a friend or as a," he cleared his throat, "boyfriend, I don't know. I'll be honest with you. I really don't know. I'm confused right now, about everything. About Alois, about you, about life in general."

Sebastian nodded, slowly, absorbing everything. "Can we talk about something else now? Something happy?"

Ciel smiled. "Whatever you want."

"What does Chinese food taste like?"

Ciel laughed. This is the Sebastian I'm used to. "It tastes like heaven."

Sebastian knitted his eyebrows. "What should I get? What tastes good?"

"I'll show you when we get there." They drove the rest of the way to the restaurant, discussing real Chinese food versus westernized Chinese food. When they finally arrived in front of the restaurant, it was 12:52.

"We lost our reservation," Ciel said.

Sebastian shrugged. "Maybe we can go some other time." He smiled, though it was obvious he was disappointed. "But since we came all this way, maybe there's another restaurant you'd like to try?" He looked to Ciel for a reply.

"I'm not really familiar with this part of the city." They were a few miles west of the university Ciel attended. The university that he only took one class at. He didn't even know his way around the campus let alone the neighbourhood surrounding it.

"Then let's just sit," Sebastian said, and he plopped himself onto the curb. The narrow street was devoid of life, seeing as it was below freezing and the wind was blowing.

"Aren't you cold?" Ciel asked, shivering.

"I'm not cold when you're with me," Sebastian replied, smiling.

Ciel shivered again, this time not because of the wind. One minute you're yelling at me, the next you're being adorable. Sebastian Michaelis, you are a mystery. He sat down next to Sebastian, leaning his head on Sebastian's shoulder.

Sebastian tensed up for a second, but quickly melted into Ciel. They sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything.

"I've never been this close to anyone before," Sebastian said, breath visible in the air. "I've never really lived like this before." He burrowed deeper into Ciel's side, both of them completely leaning on each other. "Did you know that I had never hugged anyone before you?" He laughed. "Imagine that! Being twenty-six years old and not even knowing what a hug feels like."

He was so miserable before me. He still is, even if it is getting better. "Imagine being twenty-three and waking up in a different woman's room almost every morning, hungover, not remembering a thing. Just knowing that you're guilty of something. Knowing that you did something wrong, but not caring, because the person you love more than anything wants you to be like that. Because he made you like that." Ciel closed his eyes. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start talking about myself again, Sebastian." Ciel lifted his head off of Sebastian's shoulder. "Do you want to go back home?"

Sebastian nodded, but didn't stand up. "I've never kissed anyone either."

Ciel stared at him. No. No. No. I'm not going to kiss you right now. That would be cruel. But why? Why would it be cruel? Sebastian already knew about Ciel's conflicting heart. He had already admitted that he was just happy when Ciel was around him, regardless of Ciel's intentions and feelings. "Do-" he hesitated. "Do you want me to kiss you, Sebastian?"

Sebastian smiled. "I want it more than anything."

This is a really stupid decision, Ciel. But it was also the best decision he would ever make.


A/N: Next update will be Tuesday.