Again, late update. But now I have holidays so be prepared for more updates in the next two weeks. I will try to finish this before school starts again.
Hope you enjoy!
-the song is called Angels by the xx-
Chapter 12
The ceremony was wonderful, you could feel how much Alexis meant to all of the attendants. The funeral wasn't a big event, only the closest people came. Castle, his mother, Meredith, some other relatives and a bunch of her friends. Slowly the church got fuller. Castle, Kate, Martha and Meredith sit in the front row. Kate runs her fingers nervously over her black skirt. The last few days were exhausting, she organized the whole funeral and if she screws this up she can forget her life with Castle. She hasn't told him about the baby so far, maybe in the next week. She hasn't told anyone yet, because she knows what they would tell her. That she has to tell him, no more secrets they promised. Castle has calmed down a bit, it seems like he accepted it, like he knows now that he can't change it, no matter how much he wishes he could.
Alexis is lying in the casket in front of the altar, she's looking so beautiful. Her red hair over her shoulders, pale face, eyes closed. Reminds of snow white, just with the difference that there's no prince who will save her, nothing can get her back. Life is not a fairytale.
"Today we came together to say good-bye to a daughter, a best friend, a girlfriend, a loved one. Way too early she went from us, but sometimes in our life things happen you can't find an explanation for, sometimes you just have to accept it.
At first you try to find the reason, and yes, you may also think you found it, you wanna give yourself the fault. But nobody but her murderer was guilty for her death. Then you wanna know "why? Why her? Why not me?". And that question is the most difficult one.
If there's a god, and I assume most of you believe in God, since you came here today, why did he decide to let this wonderful young woman die. You think it's not fair, you start to doubt in God. And even I can't tell you why these things happen. But what I can tell you is, God does not control us humans, he just gives us leads.
I am sure God didn't want her death, but also he couldn't avoid it. He couldn't control that man, if he truly believed in God, he wouldn't have done it. But he did and now we have to struggle with what he left behind, and with what he didn't leave behind. And the only thing we can do is help each other through this, together and with the help and fate in God we can do this.
And today we came together to start a new beginning. We leave the dark behind and go in the light. Alexis will be the basis for this restart. With everything we do we keep her in mind, she will always be present for each of us. We will rethink some things in our lives, we will wonder "What would she say about this?" "What would she do?" And that's the only thing we can do. Honoring her." The Pastors words resound in the big church hall.
As he finished, Alexis' new boyfriend, Alex, walks in the front and sits down in front of the piano. He called Kate two days ago and said the he heard that she's organizing the funeral. Then he asked her if he could sing a song for Alexis, he told her it was one of her favorite songs and that listening to this song really helps him through this and that it can maybe also help others. Of course she said yes but still she had much respect for him, she couldn't do this in his situation.
He places his hands on the keys and says into the microphone. "This is for you, Alexis. I will never forget you and what we had. Thank you for everything, I love you." And then he begins.
Light reflects from your shadow.
It's more than I thought could exist.
You move through the room, like breathing was easy.
If someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am, they would be as in love with you as I am, they would be as in love with you as I am, they would be in love, love love.
A single tear runs down her cheek, memories from her mother's funeral come back to her mind. She remembers the Pastors speech from back then, it wasn't very good. Nobody really organized the funeral since her dad was drowning in this deep dark whole. But this one, this one feels right. Feels like it can reach everybody.
And everyday, I am learning about you.
The things that no one else sees.
And the end comes too soon, like dreaming of angels
Looking to her right she can see how much the Pastor's words must had touched Martha. She's wearing sunglasses but Kate could see the tears on her cheeks. Kate reaches for her hand and squeezes it lightly. On Martha's face was no reaction but suddenly she squeezes back and Kate feels relief. Maybe she didn't do this too bad.
And leaving without them
And leaving without them
Being as in love with you as I am, being as in love with you as I am, being as in love with you as I am,
being as in love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Then she looks to her left side where Castle's sitting. He's not really crying but in his eyes she can see how much he's suffering. With her left hand she reaches for his and strokes little circles on the back of his hand. He raises his head and his lips form a silent "Thank you." She smiles weakly and again there's this big burden falling from her shoulders.
And with words unspoken, a silent devotion, I know you know what I mean.
And the end is unknown, but I think I'm ready.
As long as you're with me
Being as in love with you as I am, being as in love with you as I am, being as in love with you as I am. Being as in love, love, love.
Then she lets go his hand as he stands up and walks with Espo, Ryan and Alex to the casket. Cautiously they lift it up and slowly carry it out of the church. Everyone else was following them outside to the cemetery where they all come together around the grave where the men put in her casket.
Kate takes some deep breaths, now it's her turn. What if they think her speech is disrespectful, what if she disappoints them? Castle, Martha, everyone who loved Alexis? Slowly she walks over to the lectern. Before starting she looks into the crowd one last time, Castle's standing in the front row looking straight into her eyes and gives her an encouraging nod. Then she starts.
" I would like to thank you all for showing your love and support by attending the final farewell of such a special girl. Alexis is what I would describe as a perfect human. She was intelligent, fierce and kind. I have to say my relationship with Alexis had its ups and downs. But even before Castle and I became a couple we were very close. Yes, there were moments when she was mad at me, and so was I. But actually the reason for her madness was never because she was egotistical or selfish, no. It was because she was caring. Caring for her father. And that's the attribute I had the most respect for. You didn't have to tell her that you're struggling with something, no, she always knew when something was wrong, and she never ignored it.
During the last months we got even closer, there were evenings when just the two of us were having girls night, watching movies, eating popcorn, talking about boys. It feels like she was the little sister I never had. And now she's gone and with her a big part of my heart broke. Of course I also gave myself the fault for it, I am the cop, it's my job to protect people. But now I know I couldn't do anything, it was too late. And also, she's not gone, she will never be. I will always keep Alexis in my mind, she inspired me and always will.
I think we all should take her as a role model, even though she was younger than most of us. But a character like her is something rare, something unique. We all should try to see the things with her eyes, sympathize for others, remember what advices she gave us, and what advices she would give. And in the end, the last thing we can hope for is to say that we reached only half of what she could have reached in our lives, because that is the most we can do to honor her. I love you Alexis, and I hope there, where you are right now, you get everything you deserve. And that's a lot. "
With those last words she throws a bouquet of white roses into the grave. Then she walks over to her sit and as she sees Castle's face, the tears in his eyes he's trying to hold back, she knows she said the right things. As she sits down she grabs his hand and gives him a slight squeeze before she lets go. Then it's his turn, he walks to the front, takes one last breath trying to let his voice sound stronger than the days before. Then he starts.
"First of all I have to thank you, Kate, for helping me through this, you organized this wonderful day for my daughter completely on your own, I don't understand where you get that strength from, but I know I wouldn't have been able to do this.
Thinking of what I could say today I remembered Alexis' graduation speech, I was so proud of her. She said that there's a universal truth we all have to face, whether we want to or not, that everything eventually ends, that endings are inevitable. But even though people are leaving there are some people who are so much a part of us, they'll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground, our north star and the small clear voices in our hearts that will always be with us. Alexis, you are one of those people for me, you are my North Star, and you will always be with me.
I never thought about what would be if anything would happen to you, because I never expected it, it was too frightening to think about. And then it happened and it drag me in that deep, dark whole -I thought I can never get back again.
But since we can't change anything as much as I would want to, we all have to remember how proud she can be of herself, proud of the way she affected other people's lives. And that's why we shouldn't see today as a sad day, no, we should see this as a celebration of her life. Yes it ended too soon, but at least she had a happy life.
When Meredith told me she was pregnant I was so scared, we were young and just had my big breakthrough, no time for a little baby. But I never ever thought about not keeping her. I knew I would do everything to make the life of this little girl as good as I can. And I think I made a good job. Every day I was wondering where she got this all from. She was such a good person, she was sweet and intelligent, so intelligent. She was probably sometimes more adult than I am. But also we had always fun together, playing Laser Tag, watching movies. Every moment with her was a gift for me.
Our relationship was something unique. I can't imagine a life without her. But I don't have to since she will always be with me. And I wanna make her as proud as she made me. That's the only and most important task of my life now, that's what I live for now. And I hope, one day, I can fulfill this task. I love you, Alexis. Always."
He throws the bouquet of red roses on her casket and goes back to his seat, he doesn't want to cry now, as he said, this shouldn't be a sad day. He sits down and takes Kate's hand, he's so thankful to have her right now. One after another the guests walk to the front, rest for a little moment to speak to Alexis one last time in their thoughts, then through the flowers and go back. It feels very fast to Castle, but he's glad about it. The day was wonderful, yes, but also really exhausting. Facing the whole situation once again was really hard for him. He just wants to go back home and be on his own for some time. Gradually more and more seats get empty until Castle, Kate and Martha were the last people left.
Kate's the first to stand up. "Let's go home, we can come back whenever you want to, but for now I think we all need some rest." She reaches for her hands as they stand up.
"Thank you so much Kate." Martha says. "It was a wonderful day." "Always, Martha, it really was a pleasure for me."
Then they walk over to the car in silence, remembering the great moments they had with Alexis. Kate decided that she won't tell Castle anything about her pregnancy, she will wait until she's completely sure. Maybe she should have told him some days ago when he asked her what's wrong but she just couldn't. Tomorrow she will meet with Lanie and talk to her about it, then she will also take a test to be sure. And when the right moment comes, she will tell him.
I hope you liked it, please leave a review it would mean a lot to me!:)
I'm not sure if I like this chapter, but I promise Kate will tell Castle soon about the baby ;)
Thanks again to my sister from another mister Paola, thank you so much for your support
Love
