Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou "The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya" CHAPTER 12: Kyon in Wonderland, Part 2 (AKA Crazier and Crazier)
Turning, he saw yet another weird sight - two statues. Both seemed to represent people of Chinese decent. One wore some sort of orange robe-thing, while the other wore an identical green outfit.
"What weird looking statues," Kyon remarked, making a face. "What are they doing out in the middle of the woods?"
To his surprise, both statues suddenly moved, performing dynamic backflips.
"Ho hah hah hah BACKFLIP!" the Orange one proclaimed while backflipping.
"Ho heh hah hah Me Too!" The Green one added.
They stopped a short distance away, then looked at Kyon with overconfident looks.
"What is this?" Kyon asked, disbelieving.
"We are the brothers, Tweedle Para and Tweedle Dox!" the orange one replied.
"And we love wearing women's frocks!" the green one added.
"We are people that like to rhyme!" Orange added.
"In fact, we do it all the time!" Green rhymed with him.
"You may think it's rather crass," Orange commented...
"But you can stick that right up your nose!" Green added, oddly not rhyming.
"Nose doesn't rhyme with crass," Kyon replied.
"Great, his logic gives us no chance," Orange groaned.
"I'm not wearing any underpants," Green replied.
"That true, or are you just rhyming?" Orange asked.
"Didn't want to throw off our timing," Green answered, "But it is true."
Kyon then snuck off, a bit disturbed at those two morons.
Further into the woods, Kyon had become tired of chasing White Rabbit Mikuru and decided to walk briskly.
"Now, let's review, this place is populated by talking cats, tea-sipping crazy people, and rhyming Chinese dudes," Kyon thought to himself, "Anybody think this sounds like a crazy freakshow of horror?"
Suddenly, a purring noise resonated from the trees. Looking up, Kyon saw an old friend, the Cheshire Cat once more.
"You again," Kyon groaned.
"Fancy meeting you here," The Cat commented, "I suppose you're on your way to the Queen's Match, as I am."
"... Right..." Kyon replied, "You know what? I'm just going to backtrack to when this shit all began and pretend it never- are those playing cards painting rose bushes?"
"Yep," The Cat answered.
Standing around one of the bushes were three, living, breathing playing cards. This would have been peculiar enough in itself, except the cards all looked like students from his school - Kafuka Fuura, who was the five of diamonds, and Chiri Kitsu, who was the two of spades, stood on the ground while the six of hearts resembling Tarou Maria Sekiutsu stood on a ladder. And just to make things even weirder, all three were busy painting the roses blue.
"Hey! Watch it Six, you almost got paint in my eye!" Chiri yelled and smacked Maria with her paintbrush.
"Sorry!"
"Um…'Scuse me," Kyon said, coming up next to the small group. "What're you doing?"
"We're ironing our underwear. Jeez, what's it look like we're doing?" Chiri snapped and dipped her brush in a paint bucket. "We're painting these roses."
"But… why?"
"Because someone (she shot a look at Maria as she said this) ordered white rose trees, but the Queen wanted blue ones, so now we have to fix them before she finds out."
"Queen?"
"Yeah, the Queen of Hearts. Sheesh, don't you know anything?" Maria replied, "If she ever found out about this, we'd be in deep trouble."
"Or not!" Kafuka replied, "She might like white better then blue anyhow!"
"Okay..." Kyon responded.
"MAKE WAY FOR THE QUEEN OF HEARTS!" someone yelled.
All of the Card Kids got down on the ground, bowing before the very queen herself...
"HARUHI?!" Kyon gasped.
Indeed, it was Haruhi. But like the card people, she was different from the Haruhi she knew. Instead of her usual school uniform, she had on a red floor-length gown with a poofy skirt and black hearts all over it. A heart-shaped pendant held a velvet cape in place, and her chocolate colored locks stuck out from under a huge gold crown with a big red heart placed at the tip, rather then the typical orange headband. She scanned the courtyard like a wolf hunting for prey, and her eyes happened upon the dripping roses.
"Hey!" Haruhi yelled, "I thought I said blue roses for my garden, and I see white roses smothered with blue paint! Someone must've fucked up big time!"
"It was him!" All three cards pointed at Kyon.
"HEY!" Kyon stumbled back.
"And just who are you?" Haruhi asked, strolling up to Kyon.
"It's ME, Kyon! Don't you know me?" he asked, hoping Haruhi would remembered
The Queen glowered at the stranger critically. "I've never seen you before in my life."
"Well I have," Mikuru suddenly appeared at her side. "This NUISANCE," she spat the word, "has been stalking me all day long! And he keeps insisting I'm this 'Asahina-san' creature!"
"White, behave yourself," a monotone voice spoke out. It's owner was a red-armored knight-girl, which resembled Yuki Nagato.
"Red Knight Yuki," Haruhi acknowledged her.
"Queen Haruhi," Yuki responded, "and who is this?"
"My stalker, apparently," Mikuru shot a look at Kyon.
"So, Mikuru-chan," Haruhi turned to her, "Have you anything to report?"
"Howaito didn't act against us," Mikuru responded, "But Akaruhi seems to be preparing for something. On the way here, I fell into another plane, where this... (She looked at Kyon) FREAK came from."
"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this," Haruhi turned to Kyon, "I think he's handsome."
"What...?" Kyon replied, as he wasn't used to this sort of thing.
"AH COME ON!" A Six of clubs that looked like Taniguchi yelled.
"You actually think that?!" the Knave of Hearts, Itsuki, responded, "Great."
Then, out of nowhere, a huge explosion opened up the wall that hadn't been there before, followed by a bunch of EVIL card soldiers storming the place. And in the lead was a red-haired version of Haruhi with pasty white skin.
"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" Red-Haired Haruhi screamed, "OFF WITH THEIR STINKING, BORING HEADS!"
"Oh, great," Kyon smacked his forehead in pity. Could this day get any worst?
TO BE CONTINUED...
