I wake up with my head on Peeta's arm. When we returned to the storage room, he chained one of his wrists to the pipe, but left his other arm free to wrap around me. Now I'm using it as a pillow. A dull gray light floods in through the window. I can tell that the sky outside is covered by a layer of wintry clouds.
I'm still tired, but know I'm done sleeping. I turn to look at Peeta and find that he's already awake. Neither of us have a smile for each other, and I'm reminded of when we woke up together the morning before the Quell. It was nice last night, forgetting for a while, but now in the harsh light of day, we can no longer pretend things are okay.
I think again of the plan I formed last night while I was waiting to fall asleep. When we leave the building, hopefully we'll be able to find some other safe place for Prim to go. I'd like to leave her here, with Peeta, but he's already insisted that he's coming with me, wherever I go, when we get out of here. Perhaps once we've left, I can find a way to ditch him and Prim (somewhere safe) and then go look for Snow, like I intended to do before we became trapped here.
I unlock Peeta from the wall, and wake Prim up. The three of us take turns washing up in the bathroom. After this, Peeta helps first Prim and then me up into the attic. He manages to climb up himself then, and I'm first to step out onto the roof.
#
It seems we've missed a lot. We discover that Snow has been taken prisoner and his mansion is now being used by the rebellion. Peeta and I are given rooms to stay in, and Prim works side by side with my mother, tending to the wounded.
Peeta and I both begin seeing Dr. Aurelius. I honestly don't feel like talking to anyone about what's happened, but the decision that I ought to become his patient was made for me. It was decided that, after all I've been through, of course I need therapy. However, the doctor has a habit of falling asleep when we're supposed to be having a session (which suits me just fine). I hope he's more useful to Peeta.
I'm not sure what to think when we're called to a meeting with the other victors and Coin. Fortunately, when Coin tells us that they're thinking of having another Hunger Games, with Captiol children, I'm quickly able to set my face into that expressionless mask I've gotten so good at. She then says that the decision is up to us; we're going to vote.
Even after the other shifty things she's done, I can't help being shocked by this proposal. I know she's lived in Thirteen her whole life and has not been personally affected by the Games, but any decent person would know they're wrong. It doesn't matter that it would be children from the Capitol this time, it's still horribly cruel. I'm livid.
My mind works quickly, weighing my options, deciding what I ought to do. It's Snow's fault that the 74th Hunger Games took place, and that was the year Prim and Peeta could have died if not for me. He's put the people I love most in terrible danger and should be punished. But he's already been taken out of power; he's no longer a threat.
Coin has also put Prim and Peeta in danger. Prim was too young to be sent to the front lines and I've asked around and found out that she is the only thirteen year-old who was. Coin must have done it on purpose, because she hates me. She also put Peeta in danger. His mental healthy was shaky at best and she sent him out to fight in a war. He should have stayed in Thirteen, like Johanna was allowed to. And now, on top of it all, Coin wants to hold another Hunger Games. It doesn't matter that she's letting us vote, she never would have brought the matter up if she wasn't in favor of the idea. She's just as dangerous as Snow but, unlike him, she's going to continue to be dangerous. She is our new leader. Unless…
I realize that while I've been thinking things through, Johanna and Enobaria have already voted yes, while Peeta, Annie and Beetee have voted no. Now everyone is looking at me. I steal a glance at Coin. If I vote no, she'll probably see it as another instance of me being less-than-supportive of her. She may suspect what I've just realized I have to do. She may be more careful to stay away from me. I may not be able to shoot her, instead of Snow, when we go to the City Circle.
"I vote yes," I announce. I hate saying the words, but I feel certain that the Games will be cancelled after I've killed her. In hopes of being convincing, I add, "It's only fair."
"Katniss," Peeta says, dropping my hand. I glance over at him and am shocked at the way he's looking at me. He almost looks the way he did the first time I saw him in Thirteen, right before he choked me. I open my mouth, but don't know what to say to him.
Haymitch votes that he's with me, and for a moment I feel relieved that he's on my side and that he, at least, must understand why I've done this. Then I hear glass cracking. Looking down, I see that Peeta's crushed his water glass in his hand. "How could you?" he says to me, then glances at Haymitch.
Suddenly, he brings his hands (one of which is bleeding alarmingly) up to his head and fists them over his ears.
"Peeta," I say, reaching up to touch his arm. But he yanks it away.
"Don't touch me!" he shouts. "I knew it! I know what you are!"
Does he think I'm a mutt again? Tears spring to my eyes. "Peeta, no!"
But guards are already hauling him away, hopefully for medical treatment.
I'm too stunned to move. His voice is echoing in my head: "How could you?"
I didn't even think about how my vote would sound to Peeta. He's only just started caring for me again and now I've ruined it. I've undone weeks of progress with one seemingly cruel act. I want to go after him, to make him understand, but I decide he's better off not knowing. After I've killed Coin, he may be questioned about it and if he can honestly say he had no idea what I was planning, he couldn't be punished as an accomplice.
A sinking feeling materializes as I realize another reason why I shouldn't tell him. If I'm executed for killing Coin, Peeta will be better off believing my vote was a sincere one, so he won't miss me so much. Although, maybe after I've killed her, he'll figure out anyway that I only voted yes in order to maintain her tenuous trust? I don't know.
Later on, after more thought, I realize that I probably will be executed for killing Coin. But there's no going back now. I made an impulsive decision and now I have to live with it. I have to prevent another Hunger Games from occurring, and get rid of its instigator.
Besides, I expected to die in the first Games. Then in the Quell, then again on the mission to kill Snow. I've gotten used to the idea by now.
I barely sleep, and in the morning Gale brings me the bow and a single arrow. I know it's all I need, know I won't miss my target, but I still wish I could have a spare. In order to put my mind at ease, I feel like I need to shoot both of them.
"What are you going to do afterwards?" Gale asks.
I shrug. I can't tell him that there will be no afterwards for me. And even if I did plan to survive and be free after the shooting, I don't know where I would go. Our home is destroyed.
"You?" I ask.
"I don't know," Gale says, "maybe go to District Two."
I nod. We stare at each other for a few seconds and I can tell he wants to say more.
"But…you'll be with him, right? Wherever you go?"
I smirk and let my gaze drop to the floor. If only it were that simple…
"What?" Gale asks. "You don't want to tell me?"
"It's not that," I say. I can't tell him what I'm planning, for the same reason I couldn't tell Peeta. But I suppose I have to say something, in case I do survive this. I have no right to encourage him in any way, because if I do stay alive, I'll only want a life with Peeta.
"I really don't know where we'll go," I say eventually.
"You and Peeta," he says. It's not a question.
I nod, looking up at Gale again. "And Prim, and my mother. I want to be near them, of course."
Gale looks away from me, obviously hurt, but trying to hide it. Then he sighs, looking resigned. "What would have happened if I'd told you how I felt before the Games?"
I don't know. I feel confident that I would not have began a relationship with him, as I'd never wanted that, even though I did love Gale. But perhaps I would have been less likely to let myself care for Peeta. I suppose Peeta and I would have still both won the Games, even if I had known how Gale felt, because at the time I really believed the whole Star-Crossed Lovers thing was an act. At least, I think that's what I believed…
"It wouldn't change anything," I say with conviction. Quickly realizing I may have sounded too hurtful, I decide to say more, in hopes of explaining. "I wouldn't have even won the Games without Peeta's help -"
"That doesn't mean you owe him anything."
"That's not what I meant," I say. "Neither of us could have won without the other. And you know I've never wanted…to get married, but after we went through that together…I mean, I still didn't want to be with him in that way, but…" I realize I've started to ramble, and that it seems ridiculous to be talking about something so trivial when I'm probably going to die soon.
But, I remind myself, it isn't trivial to Gale. And after everything we've meant to each other, I feel like I owe him some kind of explanation. I collect my thoughts and continue. "I've never wanted to be with anyone. I've never wanted to love anyone but Prim. But with Peeta…I just can't help it. He's the exception." Am I making sense?
"So it's him or no one?"
I nod. There was a time when I wondered what it might be like to be with Gale, but I haven't wanted to be anything more than his friend in a long time.
"Because of everything you've been through together?" Gale asks.
"Yes," I say, even though it's not the whole truth. Of course I love Peeta because he's been with me through so much and because I feel like he's the only person who really understands me, but that's not all there is to it. I just love the way he makes me feel…or at least, the way he used to make me feel before the hijacking. He made me feel like, no matter how bad things got, it would be okay. But Gale doesn't need to hear all of that; it wouldn't benefit him.
#
When I reach the City Circle, I position my bow and arrow, aiming them at Snow. For a moment, I'm tempted to shoot him. Then I could help Peeta get better again, and see Prim again. But who knows what else Coin may do? I don't want the people I love to have to live in a place where someone like her is the leader.
And I have to stop those Games from happening. I've already made my decision. I have to, I have to, I have to…
At the last second, I adjust my aim, then let the arrow fly at Coin. She falls to the ground, dead. I tell my bow goodnight and set it on the ground, then am immediately pulled into an embrace. I quickly realize it's Peeta. "I'm sorry," he says quickly, "I understand why you voted yes."
"I'm sorry," I say, hoping he knows what I mean. That I'm sorry he's going to lose me.
I'm literally yanked away from Peeta by some guards, but he manages to rip the nightlock pill off my forearm, lest I feel any temptation to take it. It had occurred to me, but ultimately I couldn't bring myself to do it. As long as Prim and Peeta are in the world, I would like to be here, too…if they'll let me live, after what I've just done.
The weeks I spend in my room in the training center are exasperating. I wish someone would just tell me what's going on. Even if the news is bad, I want to hear it.
When I'm let out, Haymitch tells me I've been acquitted. He says that, because of all the trauma I've endured, I was deemed mentally unstable. The fact that Coin wanted to hold another Hunger Games was brought up at my trial, as a defense. And Peeta spoke on my behalf, telling of all the horrors we saw while we were with the Star Squad. In the end it was determined that a poor crazy girl like me could not be held responsible for going to any length in order to prevent another pro-Hunger Games leader from taking over the country.
Haymitch also informs me that I'm being forced to return to District Twelve, and am to be confined there until further notice. When I can finally get a word in, I ask, "Where's my family?"
"Waiting at the hovercraft," Haymitch says.
"And Peeta?"
"I think he's already on board."
"He's better, then?"
"Much," Haymitch says with a nod. "You'll have to ask him the details, but that doctor the two of you were given seems to have had some good ideas."
I can't believe any of this. The war is over, Peeta and my family are alive, I'm going home to Twelve. "Who's going to be our new leader, then?" I ask.
"Paylor was elected president while you were put away."
This is good news. Of course I only met her the one time, but she seemed very competent and level-headed. It's better if someone from one of the aboveground Districts is our new leader; someone who really knows how terrifying it was to live in a world where the Hunger Games were a threat. And she's got to be better than Coin.
#
We're on the hovercraft now. On the way home. I'm sitting on Peeta's lap and our arms are wrapped tightly around each other. Haymitch is slumped nearby, drinking. My mother and Prim are staying in the Capitol for now, as that is where the need for healers is greatest.
It hurt to say goodbye to them, especially Prim, but I can understand why she doesn't want to go back to Twelve.
"I'll come if you want me to, Katniss," she said, outside the hovercraft.
"You don't want to?" I asked, trying not to sound hurt.
Prim shook her head. "I'm sorry, but…I'd really rather not go back there. The night the bombs hit…" she paused and shivered. "It was awful. I saw some terrible things. I don't want to live there again."
"I understand," I said, trying to. It never occurred to me that there would be a day (anytime soon, at least) when I wouldn't live with Prim, when we would be separated by a great distance.
"But I love you," she said, "and if you want me to come with you now, and stay for a while, I will."
I bit my lip. I didn't want to ask Prim to come to Twelve if it would make her miserable.
"There's nothing there anymore," Prim added. "I don't know what I would do. After everything I've seen since I left Thirteen, I'd rather just be someplace where I can keep busy. I don't want to have too much time to think."
Of course. Seeing what happened to those children just before I found Prim would traumatize anyone. I could understand why she wouldn't want to go back to Twelve, when there was good she could do elsewhere.
She stepped forward, to hug me tightly. "I'm so glad to see you again. I want us to stay together, but…"
"I want that, too," I said.
Prim pulled away to look up at me.
"But I understand why you want to stay here. If working is what will make you happiest right now, I'm not going to stand in your way."
Prim smiled slightly. "Thank you."
I smiled back. "You'll visit though, won't you?"
"As soon as you want," Prim said quickly. "I'll miss you. I can't wait to visit."
We hugged once more, tightly, and exchanged I love yous. My mother, of course, was going to stay on in the Capitol, too. She and I hugged goodbye, and then I headed toward the hovercraft. When I glanced back and they waved to me, I reminded myself to just be glad they're alive, and that they have each other. I tried not to begin missing them already.
But the truth was, I did want them both to come back to Twelve with me, at least for a little while. I know they would have if I'd asked, but that would have been selfish. Prim's happiness is more important to me than my own. If she wants to keep busy, and keep learning to be a doctor, I'm not going to prevent that. And they promised to visit soon.
When I boarded the hovercraft, I quickly spotted Peeta. He was sitting at a table, bent forward, and holding a pencil. I smiled as I realized that he must be drawing. I didn't want to disturb him, but Haymitch had no problem doing so, from his seat next to Peeta.
"Here she is," he announced.
Peeta's head snapped up and his eyes fixed on me. He gave me a smile that was equal parts loving and relieved. He quickly stood up, then rushed forward and enveloped me in his arms. "I've missed you so much," he said, between kisses. He placed a trail of them along my neck and jaw, then up to my cheek. He pulled back to look at me and ran a hand over my hair as his eyes darted around my face. "I wanted to visit you, but they wouldn't let me," he said.
"It's okay." I could feel myself smiling broadly at him. I wanted to kiss him, but didn't think I could bear to not be looking at him. I needed to see him, so I could make sure that it was all real. That he was better, that we were alive and finally safe, and going home together. That he loved me again and I loved him more than ever.
He lead me over to a large, comfy seat, where he sat down and pulled me into his lap. The kissing started soon after that, and when we broke apart to catch our breath, we both apologized again for what happened at the voting. There is more that needs to be said; I want to hear about the kind of treatment he's been getting, and how well it's worked. But for now we're just holding onto each other and trying to recover from it all. Trying to accept that this is real; that it's really over.
