Unmentionable
I watch the clock helplessly for the rest of the morning, my lips still curved downward, humiliated by myself. I suppose I can't help but feel slight guilty; after all, I claim that I love him as much as I do, yet I have these lustful moments. I know that it's perfectly normal, but... I thought that love should be purely emotional, otherwise it's simply infatuation.
But I suppose I'm not really an expert on that particular subject.
By the time lunch comes around, I'm feeling just about ready to collapse in emotional exhaustion. Maybe I do think too much. My conscience finally taking control of my body, I rush to the cafeteria, ready to secure my usual spot next to Taichi-san. But my quick steps result in me being first at the table, so I decide to wait for someone else to appear.
I smile and nod at Miyako-kun, who walks over, carrying a mound of books. She collapses in physical exhaustion as she drops them next to her seat. She looks up at me tiredly. She's in one of her "moods." This will be fun.
"I hope that your morning was better than mine," is her greeting.
I chuckle to myself and reply, "Not a chance."
"You're telling me that you had more than three giant exams?" She stares at me with wide eyes.
"Miyako-kun, you're lucky that you're in the A class of your year."
"And you aren't?"
"I would hardly call it the A class."
"Yeah," Miyako-kun sighs, "easy for you to say."
I'm glad that I don't have to go into detail about my morning, for I'm not prepared with any premeditated cover stories.
Sora-san arrives, acknowledges both me and Miyako-kun, and decides to go talk to a couple of friends on her tennis team a few tables over. I fidget as my stomach rumbles, begging for food, but my conscience has lost control again; my feet will not move until my Taichi-san is here.
Suddenly, I spot the bushel of brown hair from over the crowd, and the familiar sunny grin greets me. His hair is damp, so the spikes are slightly drooping, and I can't help but stare at him in all of his splendor.
"Hey there, Koushirou, how's it going?"
"I'm fine, Taichi-san. Why is your hair wet?"
"Oh, I got so sweaty in gym class that I decided to just hop in the shower. Wouldn't want to scare off all my admiring lady fans, eh?"
I force myself to smile as I reply, "Of course not." You wouldn't scare me off, Taichi-san. Then again, I don't happen to be female. Although sometimes, I almost wish that I were.
He gives me a rather enthusiastic slap on the back, so much so that it almost knocks the wind out of me, and exclaims, "Now I don't know about you, but I'm hungrier than a Digimon at Christmas!"
I give a genuine laugh as I reply, "Alright then, let's get some lunch."
I follow my Taichi-san into the crowd and join the formulating line for food. Taichi-san stretches and tucks his hands behind his head.
"So have you asked anyone about tonight?"
I shake my head no. "I haven't had a chance. Remember, Taichi-san, that I'm in a lower grade than you and am the only Chosen Child in my class."
"Oh yeah, I always forget." He smiles and adds, "It's stupid how you can't just skip a grade. Then you might get in a class with one of us!"
My stomach rumbles a bit more than usual with the thought of additional opportunities to see Taichi-san. "Even if there were a way to skip grades, it would probably be very similar to juku, so then I'd end up seeing you less. That's what happened with Jou-san. I'd be so busy after school and on the weekends that my social life would be obliterated."
"What social life?"
"Very funny."
I grin helplessly at him as he laughs and rustles my hair.
"Hey! Don't do that! You'll make me look like a porcupine!"
"Gee, as far as I can recall, that's exactly what you looked like when I first met you..."
"Yes, which was six years ago."
He continues to rustle my hair as he chirps, "Aww, it's Koushirou the little porcupine!"
I flush in embarrassment as he not only teases me, but runs his finger though my increasingly messy hair. I'm almost inclined to think that he's flirting with me...my heart flutters at that thought...but I come to my senses and remember that it's just Taichi-san.
I can feel several pairs of curious eyes on us. Ever since the return from the Digital World, there has always been speculation as to why Taichi-san – a soccer star – and I – a computer geek – are such good friends. In fact, all of the Chosen Children are so different from one another that many people often question how we came together in the first place. But we always shrug and simply say that it was fate. Technically, we're not lying.
We reach the trays and fill them up with food, Taichi-san grabbing twice the amount as I do.
"Your mom must have a heart attack when she realizes just how much money you spend on food."
Taichi-san just shrugs and states, "When I become famous, I'll pay her back!"
I raise an eyebrow in amusement. "Right. I'd like to see you follow through with that."
He looks at me with his face devoid of humor. "Koushirou, don't you trust me?"
I end up stuttering, "Well...I...of course I trust you, but...I..."
Taichi-san bursts into laughter and smiles apologetically. "I was just joking, Koushirou, don't get so worked-up about it."
My face turns pink again as I look away. I'm always worried about truly insulting Taichi-san, but then I end up looking like an idiot.
"Aww, it's all good, Koushirou, I'm sorry for making you feel awkward. We'll pay for our lunch and then hopefully the other guys can all come over tonight." His voice is gentle and comforting.
I smile shyly as I look up at him. I can't help but admire how he knows when to be humorous and when to be serious.
"Alright then, Taichi-san."
Taichi-san and I walk over to the table and sit down, Miyako-kun across from us. She still hasn't gone up to get food, for she is still sulking about her morning.
"Miyako-chan, come on, cheer up!" Taichi-san exclaims, starting to bite into a roll. "It's just school, you know. A couple of tests aren't going to matter in a couple of years."
"True, Taichi-san, but you have to make sure that you perform well on several tests, not only a select few." I emphasize this almost teasingly, for that is something Taichi-san still has to learn.
He simply grins at me and replies, "Yeah? Well, when the Nippon Daihyō* discovers me, then we'll see."
I sigh, amused, and shake my head. "Whatever you say, Taichi-san." I turn to Miyako-kun and say, "Miyako-kun, why don't you eat something?"
"I think I've lost my appetite," she laments gloomily.
"Aww, you have to eat something, Miyako-chan, or you'll regret it later." We turn around to see a smiling Sora-san with her tray. She hands an apple to Miyako-kun. "Here."
Miyako-kun gives a little moan as she sighs and places her forehead back on the table. "No thanks."
Sora-san sighs, still smiling, sets the apple in from of Miyako-kun, and sits on the other side of Taichi-san. "How's it going?" she asks him.
"Not bad," Taichi-san replies, already into his food. I sip some milk as he goes on to say, "Party at Koushirou's tonight."
My cheeks get hot as Sora-san exclaims, "Oh, cool! Can I come?"
"Nope," Taichi-san gives a mischievous grin. "Guys only."
Sora-san frowns, and I can't help but feel guilty about having to leave her out.
"My parents already wouldn't be crazy about having a party, especially without them being there, for they're out of town," I explain. "So if they found out that girls came, too, well...that wouldn't go over well with them." Although, I think to myself, if they knew how I felt about girls, then I wouldn't exactly have that problem...
"So...you're doing this behind your parents' backs?" she questions slowly.
"No, I'm going to call them later tonight and just tell them that I want to invite some of the Chosen Children guys over. They should be fine with that, as long as they don't make a mess..." I glance over at Taichi-san, who holds up his hands innocently. "I'm sorry, Sora-san, I truly am, but-"
"That was about as far as I could convince him," Taichi-san finishes for me.
Sora-san laughs lightheartedly. "Koushirou-kun, I think Taichi's a bad influence on you." She turns to Taichi-san and jokes, "Stop corrupting him!"
Maybe in some ways he is. But at the same time, he is beneficial for me. "Perhaps." My lips curve into a small smile.
"Aww, but what would he do without me?"
Good question.
Taichi-san grins and gets me into a small headlock, messing up my hair once again. I struggle to get away, crying, "Taichi-san! Taichi-san! Stop!" He laughs as I pull away, trying to tame my unruly hair.
Sora-san smiles broadly. "Oh, you two."
I blush faintly at her comment, but Taichi-san doesn't take it the way I do and goes on to say, "Well anyway, we better start figuring out if the guys can come, eh, Koushirou?"
"Oh, right." I nod as I futilely try to smooth down my hair. "Well, I already know that Jou-san stays late after school on Fridays."
"Like a loser," sneers Miyako-kun. It looks as though she's starting to reconsider Sora-san's apple.
I sigh. Doesn't look as though her mood is going to lighten up anytime soon. "Sora-san, do you know about Yamato-san?" He isn't in our lunch period.
"Yes, he has a band rehearsal, of course. I'll tell him that you thought of him, though."
"Oh, alright then. Thank you." I look at Miyako-kun again. "Miyako-kun, do you know what Iori-kun and Takeru-kun are doing tonight?"
"I know Iori has kendo," she replies, "but I don't know about Takeru-kun."
"Well," Taichi-san interjects, "I guess that leaves him, Daisuke, and Ken."
I nod. "I haven't had a good talk with Ichijouji-kun in awhile, and you can play soccer and basketball with Takeru-kun and Daisuke-kun."
"Sounds good. Still haven't seen Yamato since after that soccer game a couple weeks ago, though. That sucks."
"The band is taking up a lot of his time." Sora-san looks rather upset about it.
"Yeah, but he deserves all of the fame he's been getting," comments Miyako-kun, looking over towards us. "His music is really good."
"Stop before you sound too much like Jun," Taichi-san jokes.
"Or any of the other millions of stalker fan girls he has..." San-san adds exasperatingly.
Miyako-kun shrugs as she goes back to pouting. "Well jeez, it's not like you guys disagree."
I start to eat, feeling Taichi-san's eyes on me. I try to ignore it for a short while, but it's making me nervous, so I swallow and meet his gaze. "Can I...help you?"
He snaps out of his trance. "Huh?"
"You..." I shift uncomfortably, and my face feels a little hot. "You...were staring...at me..."
"Oh, sorry," he apologizes. "I was just thinking about when I first met you and stuff."
"You mean when I utterly embarrassed myself at that soccer club?"
Taichi-san laughs. "Hey, if you hadn't completely sucked at soccer, I wouldn't have ever walked over!"
I smile sheepishly, glad that he still remembers. "Well, if you put it that way..."
"And that's how I met Sora, too," he adds happily, grinning at her. "Funny how things work out, huh?"
My stomach lurches again, this time in jealousy as he looks at her. It's never at rest; if he's looking at me, it goes ballistic, but if he's looking at someone else, it still goes crazy with envy. I sigh as I resume eating, trying to tune out their conversation. I notice that Miyako-kun has started eating Sora-san's apple.
"...Koushirou looks like he did back then?"
My ears perk up at the sound of my name, and that's when I notice that Taichi-san and Sora-san are starting at me. Actually, they're staring at my hair.
"It's still messed-up, isn't it?"
"Six years ago, you wouldn't have called it 'messed-up,'" Sora-san points out.
I make a face as I try to flatten it again.
"Don't!" Taichi-san suddenly cries, making the rest of the table glance towards us. "Sorry, but it's good to relive those memories."
"People are going to think I look strange," I can't help but mumble.
"But back then-"
"Well, now I think they will."
They pause for a moment as they look at me. "I never thought that you cared about other people's opinions that much, Koushirou-kun," Sora-san comments.
Does she know me at all? "Well..." I stare at my half-eaten food. "I guess..."
"Koushirou, be whoever you want to be!" Taichi-san exclaims, striking a majestic pose. "Don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks! You're you, and we're always going to love you for that!"
Love me, huh? I think to myself glumly. If only you knew. Then what would you say?
"Taichi's right, Koushirou-kun," Sora-san agrees.
I raise an eyebrow as I look up. "That doesn't change the fact that I absolutely abhor this hairstyle at the present time."
"Aww, well, do it for me," Taichi-san pleads playfully, reaching over and tousling my hair even more. I let his hand linger for a moment before I push him away. I pout, for I truly would like to put the past behind me, but if it's for Taichi-san...
He's gone back to chatting with Sora-san. I no longer have any appetite, so I slide my tray over to Miyako-kun, who's finished the apple. She actually gives me a small smile and thanks me as though she had never considered going without eating in the first place.
I sit there for the rest of the period as I let my world spin around me, or more or less, around Taichi-san. He talks with Sora-san for awhile but then gets drawn into conversation with a few soccer teammates who walk over. I simply continue to try flattening my hair, but without a comb, it's impossible. Instead, I decide to stare at the cracks in the table and trace then with my finger, pushing away the action ensuing outside of my brain. I rest my head in the palm of my hand lazily. I can feel Taichi-san and Sora-san look over at me every so often, and I can't help but look up at them as well, but they always simply resume conversing. They have no idea what's going through my head. I bet it's never even crossed their minds.
I glance towards the clock after awhile, noticing that it's nearing the end of the lunch period. Miyako-kun has finished eating my food and has decided to work on other schoolwork. I smile and shake my head as I take back my tray and walk up to the trash cans, and I get a few jealous stares from some of the girls who admire Taichi-san. I've often heard whispers about how they're not only incredulous that Taichi-san would be friendly with someone so "lowly" as me, but they also wonder why I hang around him as well. After all, wouldn't I be more interested in talking about computers with the geekier kids? My fists clench as I throw away my trash and set my tray on the top of a pile waiting to be cleaned. If only they knew.
I start to head back to the table when I notice that Taichi-san and Sora-san are in deep conversation. That's when I hear my name.
I grumble to myself as I dart behind where the wall jets out temporarily, hoping they won't notice that I'm trying to eavesdrop, for their backs are facing me. I focus on their voices and tune out the background noise, trying to hear the conversation that concerns me.
"...He seems to be really down," I hear Sora-san say.
"Yeah, I noticed," Taichi-san murmurs back. "I don't know why."
"He keeps looking at us," Sora-san continues, "like he's mad or something."
"I don't think he's mad," Taichi-san ponders, "just...I don't know. But not mad."
"I guess," Sora-san sighs, shaking her head. "I worry about him sometimes, though. It really does seem like something's troubling him."
"I know what you mean," Taichi-san replies, nodding solemnly.
"It just seems like he's keeping something really deep down inside and isn't letting it out, even though he really should."
Taichi-san chews on this for a moment. My heart starts racing, as I can't help but be a bit nervous about where the conversation is heading. "Now that I think about it...that's exactly what it is. He always seems that have that kind of look to him, but I can never figure out why. What do you think it could be?"
"I don't really know," Sora-san admits. "Maybe he's having trouble at home. Or maybe something's up with Tentomon. Or it could just be mood swings-"
"Sora, guys don't get PMS."
"Yeah, but everyone gets cranky. In fact, I can think of several instances when you-"
"Okay, okay," Taichi-san concedes quickly. "Maybe."
"Whatever it is," Sora-san continues, "I hope he talks to someone about it."
"Yeah," Taichi-san agrees, "maybe I'll try talking to him tonight. I hate seeing him all down like this."
My heart jumps a little bit in anxiety. Great, I groan to myself, better start formulating a really convincing excuse.
He then looks around. "Where is he anyway?"
"Probably went to the bathroom or something," Sora-san guesses.
It's almost humorous to me, considering that the assumptions that they've concocted are nowhere near the correct answer. I'm relieved, but I can't help but think about Sora-san's words. Yes, keeping this secret inside of me for so long has been difficult, and hiding such things from Taichi-san devastates me. I suppose I'm slightly hypocritical, since I don't like Taichi-san keeping such secrets from me, yet I keep mine from him. But at the same time, it's impossible to deny that if I did reveal how I felt about him, it would inevitably change our friendship. And our friendship is already too wonderful for me to throw it away.
They move on to a different subject, so that's when I decide to walk out from behind the wall and rejoin them at the table.
"Sorry," I apologize, "I had to use the restroom."
"Oh, okay, we were wondering where you were," Sora-san says. Just then, the bell to dismiss us for the second half of the day rings throughout the school.
I quickly gather my belongings and head towards the door where other students are dispersing, still feeling a bit downcast. Taichi-san has barely said anything to me, and a feeling of disappointment washes over me. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder, so I turn around.
It's Taichi-san.
"Hey, Koushirou! You didn't talk much at lunch. What's up?"
"Nothing," I reply automatically, looking away. "I guess I just don't feel very talkative today."
It's a blatant lie, but Taichi-san decides not to press the matter further. "Well, alright. I'll see you after school, okay?" He looks at me with a concerned expression, and my half-empty stomach reminds me of the real reason – jealousy – making me feel guilty about hiding my feelings even more. But I know it's for the best.
"Of course," I answer back, giving him a smile. "Maybe I'll keep my hair like this for later, if you really want me to."
"Nah, if you really don't like it, you do whatever. It was nice to reminisce, you know? Well, Morioka-sensei flips a shit if anyone's late, so see you, Kou!" He waves back at me as he joins the after-lunch rush, a giant grin on his glowing face.
I can't help but blush as I gaze after him.
He called me "Kou"...
I stand there for a few more blissful moments before coming to my senses, shaking my head furiously.
I sigh. It's amazing how he can make me miserable one moment, then exuberantly happy the next.
I chuckle to myself, incredulous and amused at my own bizarre, roller coaster ride of emotions.
Maybe Sora-san was partially right about the mood swings.
*The national Japanese soccer team
