Hello dear readers! Hope you had a good day. I'm working hard to find a way to "please" you, but it's hard.

Here is a new chapter: it's long, it's sometimes annoying BUT necessary to understand Matt's behavior and mind at this moment.

Hope you will like :-)


Previously, on the last chapter...

Matt escaped the hospital to go on the roof of the Firefighter Academy. Dr. Charles is trying to make him step back by talking with him about the little boy. And Matt revealed that he doesn't know why he survived and why everyone around him is dying.

And now, the next chapter...


Chapter 12: True or false?

After a discussion on the roof of the firefighter Academy of Chicago, Matt agreed to follow Dr. Charles, Halstead, Rhodes and Gabby to the hospital. The shrink had recommended to place him on the psychiatric ward to keep a close eye on him, and also to help him better. But Matt didn't see it like this: he felt betrayed by this man he'd trusted, he felt overwtached from everywhere through the windows of the room in which he was now, locked in. At least, they didn't attached him, he was free to move, sort of: just the cardiac monitor and the IV pole were there to monitor his vitals and keep him hydrated because of the overdose. Kelly had been aware of the situation by lieutenant Lampers when he came back to the firehouse and the chief allowed him to leave the shift in one condition: do this shift later, but Kelly didn't care. What mattered the most right now was Matt's health and nothing else. Arriving to the hospital, he found Gabby in the ER, crying, totally lost, frightened. Completely overwhelmed by the situation. And although he asked for some informations, the doctors didn't give them any. As Dr. Charles, he wanted to know something. He wanted to confirm his diagnosis before sharing it with Gabby and Kelly, and let them face the hard reality. He entered the room after having knocked. Matt was curled up on himself, half seated, his legs glued to his torso, his arms around them, watching the sun shining.

"Matt? I know you want to be alone right now, but I have to do this before letting lock yourself into your inner world".

Seeing no reaction from Matt, he continued.

"I'll ask you some questions Matt, and I would like you to answer by true or false. And I would like you to tell me the truth".

Matt didn't even turn his head. In fact, he didn't move an inch since he'd been transferred into this lifeless room, with just this damn and this awful IV as companions.

"These answers will help me to help you better. And make you feel better. Can you do this?"

Dr. Charles was looking Matt closely: the slight gesture would say something. Without a word, Matt shrugged.

"Ok", the shrink said, almost in a whisper. "Some questions won't be easy, I'm aware about this, but the more you tell the truth, the more I will be able to help you".

No answer came from Matt. Therefore Dr. Charles began.

"I have a good appetite".

He let him the time to answer before asking again.

"False".

Although he was whispering, Dr. Charles understood what he was saying. Then he noted a F near the question.

"I wake up fresh and rested most mornings".

"False", Matt whispered after some seconds.

"No one seems to understand me".

A blank settled in the room before the shrink heard Matt take a deep breath.

"True".

"I am about as able to work as I ever was".

He saw Matt's hand move, gripping his knees, and his heartbeats slighty increasing but going down slowly a few seconds later.

"False".

Dr. Charles sighed inaudibly in relief: he asked this question in knowing the answer. He just wanted to be sure that Matt was telling the truth.

"My father was a good man".

Matt took a new deep breath, trying to calm his heartrate and also his breathing. Dr. Charles decided to not intervene, wishing to let some freedom on his emotions to Matt.

"I... Don't know".

"You don't know because you don't remember? Or because you don't want to answer?"

Matt sighed, closing his eyes.

"There were some moments when... When he was a father. But... Most of the time, he... He wasn't a father, my father".

Dr. Charles underlined a F and added a V near the question.

"Sometimes when I was young, I stole things".

The doctor heard Matt laugh slightly, smiling.

"True".

It was an answer the doctor wasn't really prepared. He thought he had all the answers to those questions he would ask, but he realized he was going to be surprised.

"My sleep is fitfull and disturbed".

"True".

"Much of the time, my head seems to hurt all over".

"True".

"I do not always tell the truth".

A new blank settled.

"True".

"I wish I could be as happy as others seem to be".

"... True".

"I feel that it's certainly best to keep my mouth shut when I'm in trouble".

"True".

"I have nightmares every few nights".

"I can't sleep, not the same thing".

"And if you could sleep, do you think you will have some?"

"Uh... Yeah", he answered simply. "All the time".

Dr. Charles noted a V near the question and continued.

"My hardest battles are with myself".

"True".

"Sometimes when I am not well, I'm irritable".

Once again, Matt smiled.

"No need to answer that question, you have the answer".

"No doubt, but I want to hear the answer from your mouth".

Matt heard himself sigh deeply. He was tired of theses stupid questions, but the only way to be alone was to answer by telling the truth.

"True".

"Much of the time, I feel as if I've done something wrong or evil".

"True".

"I get angry sometimes".

"True".

"Often, I can't understand why I have been so irritable and grouchy".

"True".

"I've never vomitted blood or coughed up blood".

Matt then remembered one of his first calls as a firefighter. He was young, pretty hothead, and he found himself under a pile of debris after a building exploded. He remembered that he had coughed blood because of a collapsed or punctured lung.

"False".

Dr. Charles was surprised by the answer. He didn't go further, he didn't ask why and when he vomitted blood once.

"I like to cook".

"Depends".

"Most of the time?"

"No".

"I used to keep a diary".

"False".

"I never had a fit or convulsion".

"False".

The shrink's eyes opened wide. He didn't think that the answer would be negative. He was curious, but right now, no time for his curiosity.

"I am afraid of losing my mind".

Once again, Matt sighed, watching the sun though the window.

"True".

"My mum is a good woman".

For some seconds, the monitor was the only thing interrumpting the silence settled.

"Until she killed my dad".

Dr. Charles nodded, noting a underlined V and a F with the question.

"It is safer to trust nobody".

"Depends".

"In general way I mean".

"Uh... F-false".

The doctor felt a hesitation. Matt didn't really know the answer.

"I am most sensible than most people".

"Physically false, mentally... True".

"I like children".

This question got Matt angry. Of course he like children, otherwise he wouldn't have wished to have some.

"True", he said frustrated, what the shrink felt.

"It makes me nervous when people ask me personal questions".

"Not nervous, uncomfortable".

The doctor wrote a V.

"I got many beatings when I was a child".

"According to my mom. I don't remember".

Once again, he took his pen and added a V near the question.

"I'm not afraid of fire".

Matt slightly laughed.

"I'm a firefighter. Of course I'm not scared of fire".

"Are you sure?"

This question escaped the shrink's lips, letting Matt questioning himself.

"After what you've experienced, are you sure to not be afraid of fire?"

Matt opened his mouth, but no sound came out. In fact, he didn't have the answer. He didn't know.

"Maybe... I will have bad memories? I-I don't know".

The doctor wrote a question mark.

"I feel unable to tell anyone all about myself".

"True".

"You feel unable to or you don't want to?"

Matt thought for a moment. He didn't have the choice but tell the truth. He sighed, closing his eyes.

"I don't want to. Because no one will understand me".

The doctor said nothing, letting Matt explain what he wanted to say. It was a good thing, explain things.

"Except by doctor's orders, I never take drugs or sleeping pills".

Matt didn't know what to say

"Most of the time".

It wasn't a lie: Matt took sometimes some sleeping pills without doctor's orders when he couldn't sleep. It was the case when Andy and Hallie died.

"The future seems hopeless for me".

For the first time since the beginning of the interrogatory, Matt lowered his gaze then closed his eyes. Inhaling and exhaling deeply. He had to tell the truth.

"True".

"When people do something that makes me angry, I let them know how I feel about it".

"False".

"I am very stubborn".

Matt let escape a laugh.

"True".

"I believe that people should keep personal problems to themselves".

"True".

"I hate goind to doctors, even when I'm sick".

"True".

"Sometimes I get so angry and upset I don't know what comes over me".

He took a deep breath, looking again though the window.

"True".

"The last questions will be hard to hear. But I want you to answer honestly. Okay?"

Dr. Charles waited for an answer from Matt before continuing. It was the most difficult time to pass, it was the moment Matt had to admit he was bad, that he needed help. His only answer was another shrug. Dr. Charles took a deep breath, and continued his questions.

"When my life gets difficult, it makes me want to just give up".

Matt swallowed nervously. This question had collided into his head, and he had to answer honestly. He wanted to get better, he wanted help. He wanted to rebuild this shield that made everyone believe he was strong. He hated being so weak. He wanted his life back. Therefore he took a deep breath and replied in turn with a trembling voice.

"True".

"I had had a tragic loss in ly life that I know I will never get over".

"True".

"I have already considered killing myself".

Matt suddenly thought. The Sleeping pills. Did anyone have really thought that he wanted to end his life? Should he tell true or false? And then he thought about his life before becoming a fireman, when his mother killed his father, when he had lost everything. He remembered the week he spent in his father's room, motionless, curled up on the floor, crying his father, crying his life, without food, without drinking almost anything. He had thought to end his life, but it was another era. It was a life he had forgotten.

"When my mom killed my dad".

"One last question and I leave you alone", the doctor assured. "Most of the time, I wish I were dead".

Matt's eyes widened and he turned urgently, eyes black of anger. How a doctor, a psychologist, could ask this to a patient. But seeing the face of the only person who could help him, he realized he was waiting for an answer, he expected the truth. He wanted answers to help him. Then he answered honestly, taking a deep breath.

"True".

Dr. Charles smiled back, standing up, ready to go.

"That's it? It's over? Just these damn questions and it's over?"

He turned then to his patient.

"Well, no, I'm not done. Have you played an intruments when you were younger, even today? Or sang?"

Matt looked at him, trying to pierce the facade in front of him, trying to understand if he was joking or not. But he seemed to be serious, very serious. Then he replied, shaking his head from left to right.

"Hockey but nothing else".

The doctor smiled.

"In that case, I'm going to bring some instruments for you. It will be usefull. I will also give you a computer okay?"

Why instrument if he didn't play? But before he can turn to ask a question, the psychiatrist was already gone. He came back a few moments later with arms charged and two nurses as charged.

"Here, as promised, I brought some instruments".

"I told you I never played".

"Oh, don't worry, knowing how to play or not, playing music can help to release. You trusted me until now, then trust me for this. Please".

After that, he left the room, pulling the curtains, so that Matt had more privacy. The doctor had also confidence in him after the answers he gave, it was clear that he wanted help and not to kill himslef. He then went to the ER to talk to Gabby and Kelly. The two friends hadn't moved an inch, still sitting, waiting for any news of Matt.

"Kelly? Gabby?"

Both startled, facing then the doctor.

"How is Matt? He's okay?"

He raised his hands, thinking about calming them down even a little, but he didn't know them.

"Easy, easy..."

Kelly clenched his fists, ready to scream, yell at the doctor but Gabby stopped him, wanting to make him understand that it was his job. He loosened his fists.

"Why you don't want us to see him?"

"For his own safety, actually. I think for now, it's safer for him to not come into contact with something or someone that could cause a... A stress or bad memories".

"We are bad memories for him? He told you this?"

"No, no, he said nothing. But you were there when he lived most of his... His bad memories. Seeing you could cause him more pain than anything else. You understand?"

"No! No, we don't understand!" Kelly exclaimed, rising. "I want to see Matt! We MUST see Matt!"

"It is not possible Kelly. Matt is very bad and he needs help. He asked for help. You tried to help, but it didn't work".

"He... He asked for help? He asked you for help?"

"A few minutes ago, I asked him several questions and I asked him to answer me honestly. It was a double meaning: if he answered frankly, then it meant he asked for help and in addition, I had information that could help me to confirm my diagnosis. If he didn't tell me the truth, then I also had other information and I would have known he wouldn't have wanted help".

"And?"

"And... He answered quite frankly I must say. I didn't think he would".

"So... So you have a diagnosis. Right?" Gabby asked softly, contrasting with the anger feeling by Kelly.

Dr. Charles sat in front of them, put his hands on his lap and nodded slightly.

"So?"

He took a deep breath.

"What he has lived throughout his life and tried to forget is in the process of gnawing from within. He constantly relives these events and tries to change the scenario so that what happened doesn't happen, he avoids or attempts to avoid anything that might cause him to relive these events, and is hyper vigilant".

This meant nothing for Gabby and Kelly. They didn't understand what was happening to Matt, and exclaimed it.

"Matt has what is called post-traumatic stress disorder. It can occur after a traumatic event in which the person has faced death, his own or another person. This event usually causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. For Matt, it was much more complicated: his life is full of traumatic events, but it seems that the trigger was this child he couldn't save. He has unconsciously connected this child to the child you could have but wasn't viable".

Gabby opened her eyes wide, then passed her right hand on her belly.

"T-the... The loss of our baby... Triggered all this?"

Gabby was in shock, she could not believe it.

"He's going through a period of depression. The overdose of sleeping pills is also within the symptoms, like drug abuse, fatigue, anxiety disorders, and so on".

"B-but... You said... T-that this child was the trigger, then... Why he didn't sink in... In depression before?"

"A PTSD may appear many years later. This delayed onset must occur after a traumatic shock trigger. For Matt, it's this child".

Gabby sighed, bowing her head and closing her eyes.

"We should have seen this before... I should have known this sooner, and help him..."

She ran her hands over her face. She cried. She was angry.

"It would have absolutely nothing changed Gabby. Its shell was so well built and strong that he didn't even realize what was happening himself. He's not even aware that what he did with those sleeping pills could have led to his death, he didn't realize that what he did at the Academy could have killed him. This is why you can't see him right now. He is no longer aware of what is right or wrong, good or bad. Seeing him would be good for you of course, but it wouldn't be a good thing for him. He would sink faster and further".

"So what are we doing right now? You expect us to leave you make your sleight of laps while we sit and wait?" Kelly threw at the doctor, very angry. "Matt is my friend! My brother! I won't abandon him!"

"I know what you may feel at this moment Kelly, but Matt didn't really need that while we talk".

"How dare you!"

"Okay, we'll compromise. We will find an agreement".

Kelly looked at him with so much anger... He knew he had to find a solution, and fast.

"We have rooms in the psychiatric ward with unilateral windows. We can look inside, but we can't see the outside world once inside".

"As in... Interrogation room?"

"Exactly. I know Matt doesn't really want any contact with the outside, as longer as he can avoid it. We shall change his room, and then you will see him. But he won't see you. You're okay with this?"

Kelly swallowed, and sat next to Gabby, appearing to be calmed.

"Matt is really bad, uh?"

Dr. Charles sighed.

"Indeed. Matt is really, really bad".

It was all Kelly wanted to know. Before accepting the offer.


What will happen next: Matt is sinkning deeper into his inner world, and Dr. Charles doesn't know what to do to help him get better. Maybe someone or something else can help him.