Twelve
The rest of that day was torturous.
I went home and was trapped in my room all day. The only time my mom would let me out was when I had to stumble my way to the bathroom. Being confined in that room made thinking hard. I was tackled with memories of blindingly white walls and my voices screaming my worthlessness over and over. I was so grateful when I finally fell asleep. My dreams were haunting but familiar. Nightmares. Memories. Things I could stand - even if the night was restless.
The next morning brought a little less than misery. I was feeling better and my mom deemed me well enough to go to school. So I went through my regular routine of getting ready. It wasn't until breakfast that the thought hit me hard: I was going to lose Kakuzu. I hadn't really put much thought behind it so I hadn't realized how much it actually hurt. I couldn't finish my breakfast after that. My stomach was pretty much empty as I wandered to the bus stop about five or so minutes later. But I refused to be miserable because I knew Deidara had keen eyes. He would notice if anything was wrong. Being the master of pretend smiles, I knew I failed to convince Deidara that I was okay. "I guess I ate something that didn't quite agree with me yesterday," I explained with a slight - and very fake, even to my ears - laugh.
"Or your super stressed, un," he suggested, giving me a half-smug, half-knowing smile. The glint in his eye told me he didn't believe a word I was spewing. Sasori arrived then and occupied his attention fully. When the bus finally came, I was too relieved to even sigh about it. The ride to school was relatively quiet and I felt so wound up, if someone even touched a finger to my shoulder, I would probably spring out of my seat and hit my head on the ceiling. It was taking all of my energy to try and calm down. After all, I wasn't going to do anything today except go through the regular routine. This thought calmed me down some, though not enough. Deidara tapped my shoulder to ask my something and I jumped several inches off my seat. He raised his eyebrows. "Uptight much?"
I frowned. "I guess more so than I thought I was," I muttered unwillingly. As an afterthought, I tacked on, "I'm actually pretty psyched to see Kakuzu today because I didn't get a chance to yesterday." And this was true. My words made me smile happily and want to punch myself in the face at the same time. Feelings were so unfair. Deidara grinned like a schoolgirl and Sasori gave me an untrusting look - probably because he had the right to now. I just smiled cockily back at him. As soon as I was off the bus, I went off to find Kakuzu. Before we'd gotten together, I'd find him with the rest of our friends. But now we had a place to meet. It was this little nook between the stairs and the wall on the west side of the commons area. He was sitting against the wall, his feet propped up against the base of the stairs. I smiled serenely as I wandered over and sat down next to him. For a minute, we said nothing. But I was sick of silences so I broke it first. "I'm sorry I missed you yesterday - went home sick."
His hand found mine and I eagerly held onto it. "Feeling better today?"
I grinned. "Depends. Physically, my stomach is fine. Emotionally...exhausted. I didn't think missing you one day would impact so hard." My smile slipped because it was true. All day yesterday, I'd wanted him near; wanted him to hold me and tell me that I would be better when I woke up.
"I almost texted you to make sure you were still alive but school kept me busy and then my dad was pushing me to finish this stupid project with him," he answered, seeming to know that I had been kind of curious as to why he hadn't texted me. "So, I'm sorry. Glad you're better today."
I turned my head and our eyes met. His bright green eyes that were currently reflecting that blood red somehow. And I reached over and hugged him so hard, I felt all my muscles that had been weakened from yesterday were going to snap with the effort. He hugged back with the same passion, more strength. "You know, I don't think we've gotten farther than lying side by side? This is new..."
"I like it," I whispered, a hint of mischief sneaking into my voice.
"What do you want?" he teased as we pulled back so we could stare at each other. I wasn't sure he'd like what I wanted but I was going to demand it anyway. I'd never seen him without his mask on at school. Carefully, I looped my fingers over the rim of his mask and tugged it down. He sucked in a sharp breath and his eyes widened a little.
"They're still amazing," I breathed against his now visible lips. It occurred to me that I'd never been this voluntarily seductive without alternative objectives. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not but decided to just go with it.
"Actually, I think the first time you saw them you said they were 'wicked cool'," Kakuzu reminded me with a smirk. He didn't seem upset though so I felt a little more confident.
I half-shrugged. "Well, either way." Then I leaned a little closer. "There's something else we haven't really done for real..." He cocked an eyebrow and when he grinned, I knew he'd understood. "Ready or not..." I crashed my lips against his and wrapped my arm around his neck happily. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he returned the embrace. Our lips parted ever so slightly and a soft sigh escaped his mouth, breathing in a hope I'd wanted to demolish. But I needed this. I needed one last hit before I quit. After another few moments, we broke apart. However, our lips continued to hover near each other's. It was a mirrored wish to never let time continue on. The bell rang and I turned my head toward the stairs and exhaled heavily.
Our arms stayed wrapped around the other's body for another minute or so before Kakuzu muttered, "I suppose we should get to class then..." I looked at him and he smiled. Reminded of how much I loved his smile, I returned the gesture as we struggled to our feet. Hands still interlocked, he pulled his mask back up and we left our nook. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?"
"Always," I told him with a sincerity I knew must come from my own experience. As we walked our separate ways, I whispered, "Just as I will see you in my dreams forever."
"Okay, so a trip to America," Tobi was saying conversationally at lunch later. "All of us. Input?"
It was quiet for a minute and then, typical Kakuzu, stated, "Money. That's not a cheap trip."
Tobi snorted. "I know that. My parents want to take us. They want to go to New York or San Francisco. The only money you'd have to have is for random snacks and gift shop crap." He shrugged.
I thought about this. It was so tempting. He was offering me something I'd wanted for years - if not to live in America, then to visit it at least. But I wouldn't be friends with them by the time this trip was supposed to happen. They'd been talking about what to do over summer and I'd blatantly refused to participate in the conversation. I'd already decided that I couldn't stay friends with them for more than about three more weeks at most and that was pushing it. It was depressing now but I had to hold firm. I wasn't going to have a repeat of the past if I could help it. Lost in thought, I hadn't known they'd continued the conversation until Pein looked at me and said, "What do you think, Hidan? Are you in or out?"
"If you've still been going on about that trip to America, I'm out," I replied as casually as I could, throwing one of my legs onto the table and crossing my arms. "Sorry."
They were all staring at me. "You were the one who said you wanted to go so bad!" Tobi cried angrily - almost as if he'd cared. A twinge of guilt picked at my heart carefully.
I frowned and turned my attention to the tiles beneath my left foot. "Well, I just can't. I..." I wanted to just say it. I wanted to spit it out and get it over with. I shook my head fiercely. "I just won't be able to go."
It was at this point that Sasori decided to voice his opinion of me. "You're afraid." I paused, my eyes widening slightly. Then I faced him with a glare. "But afraid of what is what I'm working on. To an extent, I think you're afraid of us because we're close to you. Why won't you let anyone get this close?"
My glare melted almost instantly. My first instinct was to run away. But wouldn't that just prove Sasori right? All my friends were waiting for me to tell him that he was wrong and I had no reason for fearing trust between them and me. They were waiting while I decided what to say because I had no easy answer. Finally, I sighed and said, "Look, I've just had problems with trust in the past. You've gotten closer to me than most people have succeeded in doing."
"And you're still distant," Sasori mused, sounding almost like he was purring. I felt like I was easy prey in the eyes of a predator. "What dark secrets do you hide behind those violet eyes?" A small smile played on his lips.
"Knock it off, Sasori!" Kakuzu snapped, and the hypnotizing pale eyes slid away from my face. "Ever since you've seen him, you've been giving him grief."
Sasori just shrugged. "Payback for all that crap about Deidara, I suppose."
At first, Kakuzu seemed confused – after all, before he'd met me seemed forever ago. Then he seemed to remember because he looked furious. But something had occurred to me and I saw an easy way out. "Hey, wait a sec!" I chirped, successfully distracting them. "So you said you thought I was afraid of something. Did you have any theories on that?" I tried to sound casual but reached over and grabbed Kakuzu's hand under the table. He squeezed it comfortingly.
Everyone at the table paused. Deidara shot me quick warning look before turning to pick at his food. "Well…Not really. You're extremely closed off and hard to read. I've tried to come up with theories but I'm positive that they're all wrong. You're very…complicated." He seemed frustrated which made me smile serenely.
"That's interesting," I replied just as the bell rang. So I'd been wrong – Sasori had no idea what was wrong with me. But that meant I'd been able to hide my secret extremely well. I stood up with Kakuzu and we walked away from the table with backpacks in our free hands. I glanced guiltily at his face. He was pissed. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to cause problems. I was truly curious…"
"I've noticed…" Kakuzu mused in a faraway voice, his expression hard. "That you don't seem to trust me very much. This morning was quite a surprise – that you'd trust me to hold you. Lately…" Then he paused in walking, pulling me up short. "Can we skip this period?"
I thought briefly about that and then nodded. "Please." We wandered out to a back parking lot, unnoticed by the chaotic crowd. I followed him to his car where we climbed inside. We took off once our seatbelts were both buckled. After a few silent miles, it was clear that we were going nowhere quickly. "So…You want to know what's up with my barriers."
"Something like that," he muttered but he didn't seem extremely pissed off anymore. I stared out the windshield, sifting through my few options. It was hard to decide whether or not to make something up. I wanted to lie to spare him the truth. But the truth could finish this – if I did it right. Suddenly, I didn't want to hurt him the way Sasori had. My ADD mind had come to yet another loose conclusion: If I told him the truth but said he couldn't say anything, I might be able to scare him off. I could make him question his psychological thought process – if he was attracted to a certifiably insane person, what did that say about him? "Hidan?" he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Can't you just trust that I care about you enough that I want to hear what you have to say?"
"It's not that I doubt you want to hear…" I whispered, folding my hands in my lap. "It's that I'm trying to protect two things at once by not saying anything: You and me."
"What do you mean?" he practically demanded, pulling up short at a red light.
I gnawed on my lower lip painfully before I finally came to a decision. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you. Well, I won't but Kristopher will. And your pain will hurt me. So maybe I'm selfish by not wanting to explain…" I hadn't meant for that to sound so crazy.
There was a short pause as the light turned green. "Who's Kristopher again?"
"A voice…" I replied, barely audible. "In my head." I wanted to cry. It sounded terrible."
"Makes it sound like you have more than one," he said, almost turning it into a question. His serene demeanor wasn't helping.
"I have three…" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to brace myself for the worst.
"So I'm dating a secret schizophrenic?" He still didn't sound upset. "I'm assuming by the fact that you're hiding it, you're not medicated?"
I opened my eyes, surprised. Then I looked at his amused face. "You don't think I'm serious?" I inquired, starting to get angry. The worst part was that the voices were laughing.
"Yes and no," Kakuzu responded. "I don't because it seems so odd. You mentioned Kristopher when I first asked you out. You said you knew him, sort of. At the same time, I do think you're serious because of how upset you are. It's a toss-up. Also, why are you so afraid to tell me?"
"Because it puts you in danger!" I cried, trying not to shout in my frustration. "Deidara is in danger already. Look, I'm not always me. Sometimes, Kristopher, or Sky, or Jay will take over and pretend to be me. The last time I was as close to someone as I am you now and Kristopher took over, more than my victim was hurt." I was actually crying now. "Damn it, I'm too selfish to want to hang on. I know it's only a matter of time. I'm too selfish to want to hurt again while you do. At least…if we go our separate ways, it will only be a temporary pain…in the end…"
This caught Kakuzu off guard. "Wait. You want to breakup with me over this?" I nodded miserably. "Then I must be crazy because I don't care if you're a schizophrenic, MPD freak. You're amazing anyway. I've never met anyone like you. Even with our now established trust issues, all I crave all day long is your presence. I crave your voice. I'd listen to anything you had to say if you just tell me everything about you."
I shook my head. I hadn't realized this would hurt so badly. "No. The last time I was so close to someone, I ended up in juvie, Kakuzu!"
He sent me a swift look, full of surprise. "What? Why?"
I bit my tongue, scared. Terrified. Here was where I would fall – either into light or into dark but either way, I had a feeling I would end up falling alone. "I raped a girl."
A/N: Cliffhanger... Please review?
