Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update! School and work were being a bit insane, but I'll hopefully have more time to write from now on :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters, I really appreciate your comments!
12 Take Me Over The Edge
This was supposed to be a short business trip.
When she boarded the plane that took her from New York to Seattle, Addison thought she'd only stay for a few days. Work on the TTTS case, save those twins, give Derek the signed divorce papers and go back home. But now, as she looks at the raindrops trickling down the window of the taxi that's taking her to the hospital, she realizes it's been over a week since she arrived in Seattle, and she hasn't even signed the papers yet.
She wanted to. Really, she did. When she discharged Julie and her twins from the surgical area, she almost signed the papers. But Richard told her they had a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave, showed her the two preemies that needed her help, and she agreed to stay for a few more days. Richard was good at convincing her. Two tiny helpless babies that only stood a chance if she was the one holding the scalpel. How was she supposed to say no? And, since she was staying a little longer, she figured there was no need to rush signing those papers.
And here she is now, walking into the hospotal once again, still married and with unsigned divorce papers waiting for her at the hotel room where she's been living for the past ten days. Mark and Savvy weren't happy to hear she was staying a few more days in Seattle, and Savvy wasn't happy at all to hear she was still trying to make up her mind about signing the papers. She figures Mark would be even less happy, but she isn't about to tell him. Not when they are getting better at the post-affair friendship thing everyday. She walks briskly towards the elevator and pushes the button, her shoe impatiently tapping on the tiles under her as she waits for the elevator to get there.
When the metal doors finally slide open, she sees Derek and Richard inside the elevator with their back to her, and she takes a deep breath before walking in, cursing her bad luck for making Derek be the first person she has to talk to every single day. She plasters a fake smile on her face as she looks at Derek, and offers him a greeting before turning her attention to Richard and his rather old-fashioned hat. "Richard. I like the hat." And even though she was obviously kidding, she can't help but smile when she sees Richard shooting Derek a look that clearly says "See? She likes the hat."
"Satan speaks."
And she almost snorts at Derek's words, but she decides to play the nonchalant card instead, because she knows how much he hates it. "Actually, I prefer to be called 'ruler of all that is evil'" Richard's chuckle makes her lips turn up into a smirk, and she has to control herself not to burst out laughing. "But I will answer to Satan."
"What is she still doing here?"
And she's thankful for them having their backs to her, because Derek's detached tone hurts more than it should, and she's pretty sure it showed in her face. "I asked her to stay. We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave." And she decides to speak before Derek can think of another petty remark to throw her way. "Actually, I could use you on a consult. Will you meet me up there, Derek?" He doesn't answer right away, and she's almost gone when he finally speaks again.
"Uh... yeah. Fine."
Addison's still thinking about him when she walks out of the locker room after changing into her scrubs. She can't believe he's still being petty and childish after all this time. He's had plenty of opportunities to yell at her. Get mad and scream that he hates her. Give her at least a hint of him caring about the end of their marriage. But no. He's still acting as if they were having a stupid fight because she bought the wrong brand of toilet paper. As if this wasn't the end of eleven years of marriage. As if he didn't give a damn about her sleeping with Mark.
She pushes him out of her mind when she walks into the NICU and sees her patient, a little preemie girl with a very slim chance of leaving this hospital alive. Addison smiles at the tiny baby in the incubator, and gently rubs her little belly, wanting to make her feel less lonely for a while.
"Dr. Shepherd?"
She looks up from the incubator and sees an intern she doesn't know holding the baby's chart out for her. "Thank you, doctor..." The young woman smiles uncomfortably at her, clearly struggling to be polite. "Stevens. Dr. Bailey assigned me to this case." Dr. Bailey. Of course. That explains the awkwardness. She's one of Grey's little friends. One of the five interns she's been trying to avoid for the past week. She has enough dealing with Derek, she doesn't need hateful interns too.
Derek walks into the NICU before the two women have the time to say anything else, and Addison turns her attention back to the little girl after nonchalantly handing Derek her chart. As if this wasn't one of the most uncomfortable Seattle moments yet. "Dr. Stevens, present the case." And she half-listens to the intern reciting the facts and figures Addison already knows by heart – she's studied that chart countless times in the last two days – while she continues drawing soothing patterns with her fingertips on the newborn's belly.
"Where's the mother?" Addison answers his question in a soft voice, the slow movements of her fingers having relaxed her as well as the baby. "Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?" She blames the hormones for the sudden urge to cry, and she's lucky enough to be at work, where she can focus on the patients to keep her mind away from crying. "Addison!" And Derek speaks frustrated, as if she was a naughty kid who'd been repeatedly caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
"Derek, I know it's a long shot. I know that."
"You told me you had a newborn with an invasive mash. You failed to mention that she's premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics. There's no way that this baby is going to survive spinal surgery." And it's something about the way he gets close to her when he walks over to the incubator. Something about the way he lets the tiny baby hold his fingertip while Addison gently rubs her cheek. She can't say exactly what it is, but something shifts and they're married again, and they're talking like they used to do before everything changed. "You don't know that."
"Even if she does, she's a mess. She'll just get meningitis seizures. She's going to live a short painful life." Derek's words are true, and she knows it, but she can't just let this go. She can't just give up on this baby. "You don't know that." Addison's voice is slightly less calm now, and Derek responds accordingly when he speaks again. "It's my job to know that." And Addison knows he doesn't get it. It's not about the facts and figures in that chart. It's about this little girl and her small – but still real – chances. "You're not God, Derek."
"Excuse me?" And judging by the way he said it, you'd think he was actually God. But Addison knows her husband enough to be familiar with his God complex, and she knows going against it is not the best thing to do if she wants him to actually listen to her. And her voice is softer when she speaks again, doing her best to avoid Derek getting even more defensive. "I'm sorry, honey, but you're not. You don't get to decide..."
"Wait, did you just call me honey? Don't call me honey!"
And they're back to where they were before the atmosphere shifted. Back to being married-but-not-really. And Addison has to make an effort to stay calm, only because she truly wants him to listen to what she's trying to say. "Fine. You're not God, Dr. Shepherd." She's almost surprised when her voice doesn't break. She really was expecting it to. "Look, if a patient has any chance at survival, which I think she does, then you have a responsibility..." But she can't finish speaking before Derek interrupts her, his voice almost as cold as his glare. "Don't talk to me about responsibility."
Addison can hardly believe he's being absolutely unable to separate their personal issues from his professional life. "You took an oath, Derek!" But he's not listening, and she knows he's very close to having one of his boy flip-outs. The ones when he whines and resembles a pre-teen. "Oh, don't you dare talk to me about oaths!" He really isn't letting it go. He's determined to be a victim, and he apparently can't stop the act for five minutes to be professional. "Derek, I messed up. People mess up." And her voice is clearly telling him to drop it and channel Dr. Shepherd instead of petty Derek, but he's having none of that. "You slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets."
"The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets!" And it happens again, a moment when they're still married, and they're having a petty little fight. It's almost surreal how easily they fall into that routine even after all that's happened between them. "No. I love the sheets." Addison looks at him, the same look she used when he washed his red shirt – the one she hated but he thought made him irresistibly sexy – with her white skirt. Or when he recorded a Yankees game over the finale of her favorite show. The kind of glare only a pissed-off wife can send her husband's way. "You like the Italian sheets with the paisleys..." But he cuts her off again before she can go on. "Would you just stop talking about the sheets?" And this petty little fight ends like all the petty little fights they shared before. With one single word spoken by Addison in her coldest voice. "Fine."
"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go. I'll go check on the labs."
The intern leaves the room, and Addison turns her attention back to the baby, letting her hold her finger while she tries not to cry. "Addison, don't do this." And his voice is soft now. Softer than it's been in months when talking to his wife. "Derek... look, she's a fighter. Look how far she's come already." And a small smile appears on her face as the tiny fist closes around her fingertip, making her wish there was some magical way to make everything good for the baby in front of her. "Don't get attached. Don't get involved. Just... don't make her life more painful than it already is."
"Derek, please. She has nobody. She needs someone to fight for her." And she's aware of the fact that he's probably noticed how close she is to crying, but she doesn't care. She will beg if she has to. Because – even though she knows he's right – it's far too late not to get attached. She's attached already. She can't not get attached to every single baby she treats. "She's too far gone. You have to let her go. Let her go in peace." And he walks away, leaving Addison alone with the baby, watching him as he disappears from the NICU.
"Fine Derek, walk away. It's what you do best."
Addison keeps looking at the door even after he's gone, almost as if she was waiting for him to come back and tell her it was all a cruel joke. But he doesn't come back, and she looks down again, a small smile playing on her lips when her eyes focus on the little baby in the incubator. She calls her Nine in her head – because that's the first digit on the number Social Services have assigned her – and she wishes they could randomly assign her a name, just so she could have something to define her apart from a serial number on a bracelet that matches the one on her absent mother's wrist.
She knows she shouldn't get attached. She knows she should think of her as a patient, and only care about her medical conditions. But she can't do that. She can't act as if she didn't care about the unfairness of the situation. And she does want to fix all her medical conditions, but she also wants to make sure she feels safe and wanted, at least for a while. Because, if her predictions are accurate – and she's seen enough cases like this one to know her predictions are almost always accurate – Nine's mother will not come back for her. So, if a random doctor staying by her side and letting her hold her fingertip for a while makes her life a little bit better, Addison is not moving from her spot next to the incubator.
"She's got a good grip."
Izzie's voice brings Addison back to reality, and she can't help but notice the small smile in the intern's face. It's the first time one of Bailey's interns has showed her something resembling a smile, and she has to give Nine's cuteness credit for making even Grey's friends forget about all their Addison hate for a few moments at least. "Yeah." Addison's smile matches Izzie's, but it falters when the intern speaks again. "I don't think... it doesn't look good." And Izzie shakes her head softly as she hands the chart to Addison, who channels Dr. Addison Shepherd and pretends the chart belongs to an anonymous patient who has nothing to do with Nine.
"She's a got a resistant strain of pneumococcus. The antibiotics aren't working." And Addison is pretty sure Izzie noticed she was trying to convince herself as well as informing Izzie of the baby's condition, but she can't say she cares. "You may want to get yourself reassigned Dr. Stevens. I don't think we'll be operating today." And she goes back to looking at Nine, letting her tiny fist close around her fingertip once again, as if that would made everything else go away. "So do you think Dr. Shepherd was right?" If Addison wasn't feeling emotionally drained – if she had some energy left to get mad – she'd probably yell at the intern. Give her a verbal ass-kicking and let her see who's the boss. Because it was both a stupid question, and one obviously made just to hurt the boyfriend-stealing adulterous whore. But she doesn't have the energy for that.
"She's just too far gone... she does have a good grip."
Addison doesn't notice when Izzie walks out of the room, but she's not surprised when she looks up after a while and she realizes she's the only person in the room who's more than a week old. She's not complaining, though. Considering all the adults in the building are either married to her, dating someone who's married to her or hating her because of being married to someone, she's pretty sure the NICU is the best place to be.
Her cell phone vibrates a few minutes later, and she smiles at Mark's name on the screen as she walks out of the NICU and answers the call. "How's Seattle?" Addison walks towards the locker room as she talks about the unnerving rain, and Mark chuckles and tells her about the not-so-rainy climate in Manhattan, making her pout and ask him not to rub it in her face. Addison whines about the weather for a few more minutes, but she stops and smiles when Mark interrupts her complaining to get in a few words of his own. "I bought Blob a Rangers onesie yesterday. Weiss told me when they have a baby it'll be a baseball and hockey fan, and I thought our kid can't be less than theirs. I'm thinking about buying a Knicks onesie too, to get basketball in the mix as well. Our kid will kick their kid's ass."
Addison chuckles while she listen to him talk, and she sits on the bench in the locker room as she replies. "Sav's kids and mine will be best friends. We settled that when we were eight." She can feel him smile when he speaks again. "Fine, they can be friends. But Blob will be the cool friend, and their kid will be the geek who tags along but is clearly not nearly as awesome. Kinda like you and Savvy." Addison fakes an offended tone when she replies, but she doesn't really do a good job at hiding her amusement. "Come on, I wasn't that bad. Slightly geeky, but..." But Mark interrupts her before she can finish. "I've seen those videos, Addie. You owned a light saber and called yourself Add Solo. We can only hope Blob doesn't inherit the geek genes." Addison bursts out laughing at that, and she can barely control her laughter enough to speak again. "Oh, my God. I'd forgotten about Add Solo. Poor Blob."
"Don't worry. Blob can still get my prom king genes instead."
The talk about genetics and high school awkwardness eventually turns into Mark's very detailed description – at Addison's request – of the last movie night at Weiss and Savvy's, and when he's finally done talking Addison asks for a review of the latest patients he's seen, and he notices something's not right. "What's up, Addie? You normally don't care about the newest boobs in town." She smiles slightly and shrugs as she replies. "It rains ridiculously often in this city." And Mark knows that's Addison for "I'm homesick", and he also knows a half-assed admission of feelings is Addison for "Something's wrong, but I'm too hardcore to whine". Sometimes, he kind of scares himself with how easily he can read her, and he wonders if she knows she does the same with him.
After a quick mental search for the possible reasons for her being upset – and ruling out something being wrong with Blob, because that she would tell him – he figures it's either Derek or the preemie, or maybe even both, and decides to start with the preemie. Mostly because he's promised himself he won't mention him anymore unless strictly necessary, but also because Derek may not be the problem and he doesn't want to upset her for nothing. "How's Nine doing?"
And he knows he should be telling her to not get attached and to stop naming all her patients with silly little names. He knows that. But he also knows her tendency to get slightly attached to her patients is part of the reason why she's the best, so he chooses to play along with it and let her do her thing. Just like she doesn't scold him when he refers to his patients as "The Lipo" or "The Facial Reconstruction". He's the best because he can keep his distance, and she's the best because she can get close. Or maybe they are the best in spite of those things. Either way, he won't refer to the preemie as The Preemie when talking to Addison. As far as he is concerned, her name is Nine.
"I'm letting her go."
So it was the preemie. "Derek doesn't think she's operable, and he does have a point. I can't force him to take that responsibility." And Derek. No wonder she's homesick. "I'm sorry, Addie." Mark assumes she's nodding – and she is – as she always does when he says he's sorry after she tells him about a patient. "I wish I was there to give you some juju." His words bring a smile to her face, and she has to wonder how he manages to make her smile so easily, even over the phone. "I wish I was there so I could drink my juju while buying some new shoes." And he chuckles at that, because he knows she's smiling again. "You're coming back soon, right?"
"Yeah. Richard asked me to stay, but I'm letting go of Nine, and I'm ready to go back home. If all goes as planned I'll be on a plane tomorrow morning." She doesn't tell him what has to go as planned is her managing to sign those papers and give them to Derek. "Good. Call me when you get here, okay?" She smiles and gets up from the bench. "I will. Bye, Mark."
"See you soon."
A few minutes later, Addison walks briskly down the hall towards the NICU when she spots Richard – and a new hat – and she decides this is a good moment to let him know she's not going to stay. Because telling Richard will make it more real, and it will hopefully push her towards signing the papers. He greets her with a smile, and she decides to go ahead and tell him before she changes her mind. "So... I'm leaving in the morning." He barely looks at her before he replies with a negative, and she wonders if her words sounded like a question to him. "Excuse me?"
"No. I'm not accepting your resignation." And she has to make an effort not to snort at his words. "It's not a resignation, Richard. It's notification. I don't officially work for you." They walk into his office, and his nonchalant behaviour lets her know he's taking her as seriously as he did on her first day as an intern. "I came here for one case. I can track the twins' progress from New York." She can see he's beginning to see she's serious, and she knows what his next words will be even before he says them. "What about the preemie?" He knows her well enough to know if there's one thing that would make her stay, that would be a baby in need of surgery.
"I'm letting go of the preemie, you know that."
But he still doesn't seem convinced, so she decides to bring up her personal life, because sometimes you have to take desperate measures. And she knows all about that. "He calls me Satan, Richard." She can't say she cares that he calls her Satan. But she hopes Richard will buy it, or at least understand she doesn't want to be around her husband anymore, considering the circumstances. "You don't like to hide from a fight." Apparently, he didn't buy it. "It's not a fight. He wins." Or not, because old friends and Manhattan trumps interns and Seattle any day in her mind, but that's hardly the point. "I'm leaving in the morning."
She walks towards the door just as one of the interns – one of Bailey's interns, and one of the closest to Meredith as far as she knows – walks into the room. She's about to leave and avoid giving him anything to tell Grey, but she stops when she hears him speak. "It's Dr. Grey, sir. Ellis." Addison gives Richard a look that says "Seriously? Again?" because in her years as his favorite resident and her months studying under Ellis she found out about the torrid affair they had during their residency, and even though she can't judge – she's not hypocritical enough for that – she loves Adele and would hate to find out Richard's cheating on her again.
Richard and O'Malley leave the office and Addison trails behind them, and hearing the intern tell Richard what's happening makes her wish they were actually having an affair. Ellis Grey has Alzheimer's. Ellis Grey also has diverticulitis, and maybe cancer. And it affects her more than it should, but she quickly pushes the guilt away, telling herself ruining Ellis Grey's daughter's relationship was hardly her fault.
They're walking down the stairs when Izzie runs towards them and the three doctors stop walking to look at her. "Excuse me Dr. Shepherd. We need you fast." Addison looks at Richard as if asking for an explanation – she wouldn't put it past him to arrange a false crisis to get her to stay – but Stevens speaks again before she can make any questions. "Um...it's Cristina, one of our interns. She's...she's collapsed." O'Malley asks something, but Addison is too busy trying to make sense of the situation. One of Meredith's friends asking her to help with another one of her friends.
"Why do you need me?" The intern sighs, and that's all Addison needs to finally understand what's happening. And even if she hadn't, O'Malley quickly explains it to all of them – and everyone around, judging by the volume of his voice – and she wonders if he truly is as thick as he looks. Izzie tells him to shut up – and Addison would have cheered her on under different circumstances – and then turns her attention to Addison yet again. "Please, come." And Addison quickly follows her, looking over her shoulder to speak again.
"This doesn't change anything, Richard. I'm still leaving in the morning."
She follows Izzie to an exam room, and she gets the ultrasound machine ready as she listens to Dr. Bailey explain everything to her. "She's seven weeks pregnant. She collapsed in the OR, but that's all we know as far as symptoms go." Addison nods slightly and begins doing the ultrasound, silently willing the baby to be alive. She's not sure she can deal with a miscarriage when she's still in the first trimester herself. "Have you notified the father?" Cristina doesn't answer, and Dr. Bailey tries to make her focus while Addison goes back to the ultrasound.
"Oh, we're losing her." Addison tries to block out Dr. Bailey's voice, and continues looking for the problem, her eyes never leaving the screen. "Oh, man, do you see that?" Addison points at the screen, hardly believing it herself. "It's an extra uterine pregnancy in the tube there. She's bleeding out." And it's not that she's never seen an extra uterine pregnancy before. It's just that for an extra uterine pregnancy to look like that – and do as much damage as this one has done – Cristina must have been in pain for days without telling anyone.
They rush her to the OR and Addison decides to give herself a little peep talk as she scrubs in, willing the slight nausea to go away. She's had two ultrasounds so far. Blob is in her uterus, safe and sound. She shouldn't be freaking out and wanting to run towards an exam room to check on her uterus. She finishes scrubbing in and walks into the OR to meet Izzie and Bailey, who are still looking worriedly at Cristina. It's a strange feeling. Normally, she doesn't like having more people than necessary in the OR. But she's grateful for both women being there for Cristina. She knows she would want someone there to balance out Satan's influence.
"She's gonna be okay, right?"
Izzie's shaky voice reminds her of why we don't let close friends or family members in the OR when operating. That wasn't a question out of professional concern. That wasn't the voice of a doctor. That was a question out of concern for a close friend, and the voice of a scared woman. Addison doesn't really know how to answer. She's not used to answering questions to the loved ones with her hands inside the patient. "How attached was she to this pregnancy?" She hopes she wasn't attached at all. "I don't know. She's a pretty private person."
"She's lost a lot of blood, but I've got it from here." She stays silent for a moment before looking at Dr. Bailey and speaking again. "Dr. Bailey, you must have a surgery or two of your own today." But the resident shakes her head softly, her eyes never leaving Cristina. "I'm fine right here." She's still glad they're here for Cristina, but – now that the delicate part of the surgery is over – her mind is beginning to wander, and she knows how badly that usually ends these days.
She tries to push the thoughts away, because she knows nothing good will come out of them. But she can't help but wonder if someone would be there, holding her head, if something happened to her right now. Richard would be there, maybe. But – as much as she loves her mentor – Richard wouldn't be enough. Derek is still her emergency contact person, and she wonders if he'd be there. She knows she'd have people there if she was back home. She'd have Savvy and Weiss and Mark. But her mind goes back to Derek, even though she doesn't want to think about him.
Luckily – in a way – for her, Meredith Grey is about to come into the OR when she begins talking about Derek again, and Dr. Bailey rushing over to the door is enough to keep her mind away from Derek for a while longer. Meredith obviously wants to go in and be with her friend, but Dr. Bailey is having none of that. Thankfully. Because having Grey looking at her while she tries to save her best friend would probably be too much.
A few hours after Grey finally leaves, Addison finishes stitching up Cristina and takes a deep breath while stretching her neck before looking at Izzie. "She will be just fine." Izzie smiles behind her mask, and Addison can't help but wish things were different. There's something about Izzie Stevens that reminds her of herself when she was an intern, and she would love to be able to get to know her better. See if she's as good as she looks like. And, if she is, turn her into a brilliant surgeon. But she's Bailey's intern and Grey's friend, and Addison's leaving in the morning, so there's no chance of that ever happening.
"Keep an eye on her, Stevens."
Addison's mind has gone back to Derek when she scrubs out and heads towards the NICU. She misses him. She doesn't want to, but she does. She misses the feeling of being hopelessly in love with him, and knowing he felt the same way about her. She misses kissing him good morning, and good afternoon, and good night. She misses him kissing her for no good reason, and feeling shivers down her spine whenever he whispered in her ear. She misses her husband, and she's been missing him for years. But now, now that they're one step away from getting a divorce, she knows she'll never have him back. And it hurts more than she wants it to.
She walks into the NICU and sees Derek looking at Nine, a look of concern in his face. She smiles slightly at the sight in front of her and walks towards him, speaking softly when she gets close. "Look at that. BP is stabilizing." He answers with a small nod, but he doesn't look at Addison. "She's stronger since this morning." And he takes the chart and sits in a rocking chair while she lets the little girl hold her finger. "There's no reason in the world why she should be stronger since this morning." And she should be focusing on the medical aspects of the patient, but she needs a moment to unwind after the surgery and be just Addison for a few minutes.
"She's really beautiful, isn't she?"
And she has to hold back the tears when she realizes she's not really expecting him to answer. She doesn't expect him to listen to her anymore. And she wants him back. Right now, all she wants is her husband, no matter how ridiculous, illogical or just plain stupid it may be. She's having a baby with another man. Another man who used to be Derek's best friend before she slept with him. And she may still have feelings for Mark. If she was thinking logically, she'd realize there's no way they can give their marriage a second try. "I'll tell you what. If she makes it through the night, if she has a little bit more strength, I'll operate." And the smile that follows those words is enough to make her forget all about logical thinking.
And, for a second, while he's smiling at her and his eyes are locked with hers, she forgets about everything that's not him. And she wants him back. "You know, the way I see it, we could deal with... us in one of three ways." She starts walking towards him, hesitantly at first, but that changes when he doesn't interrupt her. "Option one, I could apologize, you could forgive me and come home, and we could move on with our lives like adults." He's serious now, but she keeps talking. "Or, option two. I could apologize, you could forgive me, come home... but, you can still bring it up to use against me whenever we argue."
He smiles slightly at his words, and she feels the long forgotten shivers once again. "Are you trying to be funny?" And Addison leans over him, chuckling slightly as she speaks again. "Satan has a sense of humor." And she once again feels as if everything's back to normal. No petty remarks, no hateful comments, nothing. "What's the third?" And it's probably because of how close they are, or maybe because of the familiarity of feeling his breath on her skin when he speaks. She can't say exactly what it is, but they're Derek and Addison again, just for a moment. "I don't know what the third option is." And she leans in and kisses him, and she can't even begin to word how relieved she feels when he finally kisses her back. She missed kissing him.
"I just know that I still love you."
And he smiles at her as she leaves the room, not wanting to risk messing it up. She does love him. Is she in love with him? Maybe. She's in love with that Derek. The one who smiles and whispers and makes her feel like she's in her twenties and impossibly in love. But she's not sure if that Derek exists anymore. And she's sure he won't stay for long the moment she tells him about Blob. She knows kissing him was a bad idea, but a part of her is still happy after he kissed her back.
She changes out of her scrubs and walks towards the exit, still thinking about him. She may not be leaving in the morning, after all. Not if there's a chance for them. She wishes she'd be able to stop fighting. She doesn't want to fight anymore, she's tired and just wants to stop, but somehow she can't let herself turn her back on him. If there's a chance to have him back, she's gonna take it. If there's a chance he still loves her, he won't turn away. No matter what.
And she hates him for having that effect on her.
She walks out of the hospital moments later, but she stops when she sees Derek talking to Meredith a few feet away from her. She's crying, and Addison can tell Derek's hurting for her. And then she kisses him and walks back inside, not noticing Addison who's standing next to the door. She's not jealous of Meredith. She's also not mad at Derek. She feels oddly detached. As if seeing them kiss was all she needed for everything to click in her mind. Her marriage is over. There's no more Derek and Addison.
Walking towards her car, she realizes it hurts less than she thought it would. She will miss the Derek she used to have, but she knows he's not there anymore. And she needs to stop waiting for him. She's not going home tomorrow, because she needs a few more days to arrange everything for the divorce. She knows it won't be easy, and she doesn't want to leave this city while still married to him. She wants her old life to be over before she goes back to Manhattan.
She walks into her hotel room minutes later, and she checks her voice mails, smiling when she hears Mark's voice letting her know the Knicks onesie has been added to Blob's collection of sports paraphernalia. She won't be alone. She has Savvy and Weiss, and she has Mark. They'll be there for her while she starts a new life without Derek. And she knows everything will be all right. She reads the papers for the millionth time, and grabs her pen from her purse. One signature, and she won't be married anymore. She won't have a hypenated last name. She'll only have to fight for herself, and for Blob.
And, this time, she does sign the papers.
