Fanfiction: "Omake!" S2E2 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy / Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOCs, sexual references / situations, cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: You know the drill by now.

...fic start!

*there's a piece of notebook paper held up in front of the camera*

Paper (being read by Light): "Last time on Omake, shit happened."
Light's voice: "Wait. That's it? We really need a narrator to talk to the audience for us."

*paper flips over*

Paper's other side: "Signed, The Japanese Lawyers."

*eerie silence*

*the cheery, cheesy Japanese theme song plays, and the scene fades into the apartment, where all the boxes from last episode are put away.*

Ryoko: "Like when we were younger! Let's practice our old routine!"
Aria: "...wait, you actually remember that?"
Ryoko: "Yes!"
Aria: "We're gonna need a third member. Alis isn't around anymore."
Lynn: *sitting on the couch, reading Vampire Knight manga* Ryoko: "...Lynn?"
Lynn: *not looking up* "Hmm?"
Aria: "We need a third member to do our dance with."
Lynn: "Dancing? I dunno, I'm a klutz. I'm a warrior, not a dancer."
Ryoko: "I don't want to invite Alis over for this."
Aria: "Are you sure she hasn't tapped the house somehow? She always comes in at the weirdest moments."
Ryoko: "No, that's just her Essence of Creativity kicking in."
Aria: "I thought there was just three...?"
Ryoko: "You know when you look at the Triforce and there's three parts that connect to form a triangle in the middle?"
Aria: "Yeah."
Ryoko: "That emptiness? That's Alis."
Lynn: "That's pretty cold, actually."
Ryoko: "It just symbolizes how we're constant, and she's constant, too, but she just can't always be in the same place as us."
Onion: *walks in from the hall leading to the bedrooms* "Maybe you guys are the four crystals from Final Fantasy IV's underworld. Three are in the hands of the towns outside, and one is in the sealed cave." *raides fridge*
Ryoko: "That would imply that Alis is stationary. Which she never is."
Light: *walks in the front door* "And aren't two crystals taken by Golbez? We never find out where those other two are from. There's one in Giott's castle and the other is in the Sealed Cave. There's not three towns in the underworld, there's only two."
Aria: "Have you been eavesdropping?"
Onion & Light: "No..."
Firion: *walks in from the balcony* "You three just talk really loudly."
Ryoko: "Wait, none of you are from FF4. How would you know what it's like there?"

*all three men point at the game collection - it has every Final Fantasy title on display along with lots of other stuff*

Ryoko: "...the point is, we need a third dancer."
Lynn: "I still don't know."
Aria: "We could do it ourselves."
Ryoko: "No we can't! We need at least three people!" *glares over at Light* "Hi, dear."
Light: "Well hello, Ryoko." *doesn't notice her glare*
Ryoko: "...you want some cheesecake?"
Light: "I always do!"
Ryoko: "Then get over here and be our third dancer."
Light: "I love you, Ryoko, but I can't dance worth squat."
Ryoko: "Do you think I can dance? This is super simple."
Aria: "You think I can dance?"

*everyone stares at Aria*

Everyone: "YOU'RE A DANCER."
Aria: "I forgot about that... that IS my job. I spent most of my life as... a monk."
Lynn: "A monk?"
Aria: "Yep. Traveling by myself across the rolling hills of Ivalice... it was a hard life."

*flashback of Aria walking by herself in Mandalia Plains as a monk*

Aria: "I'm so tired of walking so much... gotta... cross the country... gotta... get to... IGROS." *falls to her knees*

*all of a sudden, she's surrounded by a pack of six Panthers*

Aria: "Ho crap."

*the panthers close in*

Aria: *uses Chakra to restore her HP* "I can't believe my luck. If I die, I hope I turn into a treasure chest, that way no one can steal my hard work and abilities... or one of these stupid animals gains all their HP back. That would be a waste of a crystalized soul..."

*and then, a man wearing all black holding a rose in his mouth and having a mask over his face runs in and slays them all... with HIS ROSE*

*the flashback ends and Aria is sitting there looking completely annoyed at Ryoko*

Aria: "Ryoko... don't take over my flashback."
Ryoko: "I just thought it would be romantic if you remembered that you were saved by a man weilding a rose, and that's what drew you to Firion."
Firion: O_o;;
Aria: "It wasn't his rose I fell in love with."
Firion: :D Aria: "It was those HIPS."
Firion: -_-
Lynn: "Rose Hips!" *giggles* "Now that Firion has a stage name, he can dance with you two."
Firion: "Hey girls, I don't dance."
Aria: "That flamboyant scarf of yours says otherwise."
Firion: "Hey, now, I'm a bisexual panda."
Onion: "...p-p-panda?"
Firion: "Closet furry."
Onion: "No wonder you were at Kuja's orgy. Everyone knows Kuja's the biggest closet furry there ever was. He even has the tail to prove it."
Lynn: o_o

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, in Limberry:

Kuja: "That bubble butt panda still evades me."
Sephiroth: "But Snugglebottom, why would you even think about him? He's got a girlfriend now."
Kuja: "A GIRL! Ugh! I'm so disgusted!"
Mateus: *busts in the room, dressed very... fabulously* "Giiiiiiiiiirls! Have I got news for you!"
Kuja: "Don't say that word around me! I only like penises and things with penises!"
Sephiroth: "IS that how you say it? Penises? Peni? Just say cock or dick or something, you're making my grammar nazi persona sink in."
Kuja: "Grammar nazi persona?"
Sephiroth: "Yeah correcting people's grammar and spelling turns me on."
Mateus: "...you're fucking weird, man."
Kuja: "No shit. He's into effeminate lady-boys with hidden tails. Of course he's weird."
Sephiroth: "No, actually, my ex-girlfriend made it kick in."
Mateus: "Oh that's right you did experiment with a female. Those woman creatures still creep me out. I'm afraid to be within seven feet of a vigina."
Kuja: "Says the guy who almost raped Terra."
Sephiroth: "You were digging her. 'Let me control you'. Shit, that was sexual and everyone knows it."
Kuja: "That's betrayal, Mateus."
Mateus: "Now, now, sugar, Golbez is throwing us a paaaaarty~ We should totally go and throw a whole new orgy!~ We'll send our flyers and maaaaybe we can all have a chance at that remarkable bubble butt~"
Sephiroth: "They started a kink shop in Igros."
Kuja: *pouts*
Sephiroth: "Snugglebottom...?"
Mateus: "Plllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase say you'll go, Snugglebottom~"
Kuja: "...fine..."
Sephiroth & Mateus: "Yaaaaaaaay~!"
Mateus: "I'm gonna go call Golbez, my Sexy Shoulders!~" *skips away*
Sephiroth: "I never thought Mateus would come to terms with his sexuality. Ever since he started being open about it, he's really been enjoying himself."
Kuja: "I wonder if Ultimecia treating him like a slave turned him off of women."
Sephiroth: "Very likely."
Kuja: "I heard she sold him to the Cloud of Darkness, and she let her little snake-tail thingies bite his penis over and over until he lost the ability to remain erect in her presence."
Sephiroth: "Yeeeesh. Where do you hear these things?"
Kuja: "The Chattering Chocobo. The best gay bar in Ivalice."
Sephiroth: "Holy fuck, there's a gay bar in Ivalice? In a country where it might still be questionable to be gay in the first place?"
Kuja: "Well yeah. The other gay bar was based on Nyan Cat in Igros but there was a battle that destroyed it. Something about a gigantic sentient food-projecting toaster, I heard."
Sephiroth: "...you don't know the details of the Nyan Cat bar, but you know the details of what turned Mateus gay?"
Kuja: "It didn't involve a penis, so I kinda didn't listen very well."
Sephiroth: "...Snugglebottom, you have a one track mind."

~meanwhile, elsewhere:

*the scene fades into Ultimecia hiding in a tree. below her is Cloud of Darkness. they appear to be playing a demonic form of hide-and-seek*

Cloud of Darkness: *has a very thick Russian accent* "You cannot hide from me, babushka."
Ultimecia: *teleports to another tree*
Cloud of Darkness: "I heard that sound! This violates the rules of the game! You cannot just change places before I find you!" *her weird tail tentacles get mad and start biting the bark off a nearby tree* "Now you've made Gyoro and Ururun mad."
Ultimecia: "That's what you called them?"
Cloud of Darkness: "I found it appropriate, Star Ocean 2 is my favorite game, after all."
Ultimecia: *facepalm*

~and back at the apartment in Igros:

Ryoko: "And that's how I became a summoner!"
Light: "What a sweet story."
Onion: "I'm so glad we skipped over it."
Firion: *slaps Onion on the back of the head* "Don't treat our new mom like that!"
Lynn: "I thought it was because of a dare?"
Aria: "...shut up, you'll ruin the moment."
Lynn: "What moment?"

*Ryoko and Light are staring into each other's eyes, and they're really starry. Very romantic looking*

Firion: "Okay, bro, it's time we beat the crap out of each other. Turn on a fighting game."
Lynn: "But ...what about my backstory?"

*the room is silent*

Lynn: "Seriously fuck you guys." *walks off*
Ryoko: "But you said it all ready. You told us about you living in a warrior's guild for years, and that now you're training to become a True Onion Knight."
Onion: "A... true onion knight?"
Aria: "Yeah, here the highest honor is bestowed upon one who has mastered every job available, and that honor is True Onion Knight."
Onion: "...am... am I a TRUE Onion Knight?"
Aria: "You'll have to find a job clerk to answer that. We can change jobs on our own, but we have to go to the Job Mastery Department to see if we've mastered it or not. That's where we buy new abilities. When you get a star over your head when you're that job, you've mastered it."
Lynn: "Yep. It's a long path to True Onion Knight. I will become one... because it's a promise I made..."
Firion: "That you never told us."
Lynn: "Well..."

*flashback animation fades in, where Lynn is swordfighting against a little boy at the Warrior's Guild where she grew up. They're about six years old, and dressed like FFT squires*

Little boy: "So, what are you gonna do when you get out of this stupid excuse for an orphanage?"
Lynn: "I'm gonna do something special with my life. Where it won't matter that I was sold to these guys or not... I'm gonna accomplish what no one else has."
Little boy: "You're going to become a True Onion Knight?"
Lynn: "...what's that?"
Little Boy: "When someone masters every single job out there, they become a kind of knight that's virtually unstoppable. That's what I heard from one of the older kids. But it takes years of intense training to get there. I decided that I will one day become one so I can bring happiness to kids who grew up like me."
Lynn: "What an awesome dream! I hope you are able to make it!"
Little Boy: "I will make it! I promise you, Lynn!"

*suddenly a gigantic monster falls from the sky and lands right on top of the little boy, squishing him into a pile of blood, bones, and guts*

Lynn: "NOOOOO! I didn't even know your name, and I just met you five minutes ago, but I... I will somehow become a True Onion Knight in your honor! I will make life better for all the kids like us!"

*Lynn gained 25 Brave points*

*the flashback fades back into the apartment*

Aria: "That was... incredibly traumatic."
Lynn: *sniffle* "I will become a True Onion Knight - for him!"
Onion: "So what happened with that monster that killed the little boy?"
Firion: "Yeah it killed that kid in one fell swoop, right next to you. How did you stop it?"
Ryoko: "Actually..."
Lynn: "That's how Ryoko and I met the very first time."
Ryoko: "...yep."
Light: "But you grew up in Gariland. What were you doing in Zeltienna?"
Ryoko: "Alis."
Onion: "That doesn't make any sense."
Ryoko: "Alis was practicing a new teleportation spell... on me. I was sent all the way to Zeltienna. I saw the monster and tried to fight it off, but..."

*the flashback fades back in, and Time Mage dressed Ryoko is standing in front of the Squire Kid Lynn*

Ryoko: "Get behind me."
Lynn: "But you're a mage!"
Ryoko: "I'm also higher leveled than you."
Lynn: "I don't care. I'm going to be a True Onion Knight one day." *steps in front of Ryoko* "I'll defend all the weaklings..."
Ryoko: *mutters* "Weaklings?"
Lynn: *charges at the monster, but can't hit it*
Ryoko: "Ugh... so unrefined, young one." *charges a spell*
Lynn: "Yeah and your spells are gonna take a fort-night to charge."
Ryoko: "You're so uncooth that I'll have to teach you a lesson once this battle is over!"
Lynn: "Snooty magicians are all the same..."

Ryoko (voice over): "But the truth was... we were never able to make a scratch on that monster until we actually learned to get along despite how we were raised."

Lynn: "You're not so snooty after all."
Ryoko: "And you're not as unrefined as I figured you were."
Lynn: "But you can't be from the Warrior's Guild... who are you?"
Ryoko: "I'm a mage from Gariland Magic City. Name is Ryoko. I have a brother named Dimitri and a friend named Alis. We're a party doing odd jobs to help us train in our respective fields."
Lynn: "That's why you spoke so formally. I hear that's the way everyone speaks in Gariland."
Ryoko: "It's true. Gariland is a very high-class place full of high-class people. We have to speak like that or they look down on us. I just got used to it after a while. Alis, though, she can't stay in it, so she leaves all the job managing to me."
Lynn: "Then how'd you get out this far?"
Ryoko: "One of her spells went crazy and sent me here. But I'll be fine. She owns an airship."
Lynn: "An Airship? Whoa! You guys must be so rich!"
Ryoko: "No. She stole it during the confusion near the very end of the 50-Year-War. Some ass named Balthier pissed her off so she stole his airship. Now we kinda live in it. Better than the dorms at the Magic School."
Lynn: "Such... such freedom."
Ryoko: "Eh. It lacks real purpose though."

*flashback ends and the scene goes back to the apartment*

Aria: "And that's how Equestria was made. By forging friendships."
Lynn: "I never forgot Ryoko. She was so inspiring to someone who spend all her life being raised to be sold to armies looking for more troops. I never thought I'd see her again in Ramza's army."
Ryoko: "Yep. I joined Ramza's party to search for my brother, who'd gone missing on a job to Lionel. Turned out that Cardinal Draclau sold him out to the Bart Company and he was trapped in Goug Machine City."
Lynn: "It was like being adopted into a family, because by then Aria was there, too."
Light: "So what you're telling me is that you were all bound somehow before you even met."
Aria: "Sometimes, that just happens."
Ryoko: "Yep."
Lynn: "I couldn't believe how great it felt to finally be among what I felt was the only family I'd ever had."
Onion: "...that's all I ever wanted, too. I was raised in the village of Ur. Me and my three siblings, none of whom knew their names either, went on a quest to save the crystals... but... we were so... sad because we didn't have a family. Just the elder who took care of us, but he acted like a complete jerk sometimes."
Firion: "Being an orphan isn't easy. The war... the war took away my parents, and I went to live with my girlfriend and her brother... it was weird."
Light: "...I don't even have that. The first thing I remember about my life was fighting in the Dissidia war. That's all there was. So this IS the first family I've ever had."
Ryoko: "Automatically a dad, huh?"
Light: "Yeah. I guess so."

*the credits fade out, where a cheesy Japanese song plays over a picture of them all huddled around a TV. Firion and Onion are playing King of Fighters while everyone else is watching*