A/N: Part 2 of this little story. Castle's POV of the events before The Limey. Again can't thank everyone enough for everything. ENJOY!
All Richard Castle wants to do is forget. Forget how much he loves her. Forget how much he misses her. Forget the words she heard him say when she didn't know he was listening. Forget the words he said when he thought he was going to lose her. Forget his life in New York. Just forget everything for a little while.
That is why he decided to fly to Las Vegas last night. The distance, the tables, the alcohol, they were all supposed to be tools to help him forget. But the problem was he couldn't.
No matter how much he drinks, how much money he loses, how many girls throw themselves at him he can't forget. That's why he is sitting alone in his suite at almost 11 pm awake and doing nothing but remembering.
He almost lost her that day. He was a couple seconds too late to save her. A couple seconds behind the bullet that pierced her chest. The bullet that left her blood on his hands while she laid on the ground under him. He watched the life drain out of her on that grass. He watched Lanie fight to keep her alive in the ambulance and as they raced down the hall.
He sat in that hallway knowing he put her in the cross hairs. Josh had said what he already knew. He never thought he would see her again. Never thought she would make it out of that hospital. He never dreamed he would get to hear those words he spoke to her returned.
He needs a drink. The mini bar will have to do tonight. He's not up for facing the world. The memories haunt him more tonight than they have. He knows the reason why. But he's not ready to face that yet. Castle grabs a couple bottles out of tiny fridge, downing them quickly.
He just wants to forget.
He was ready to tell her. Repeat those three words that he shared with her on that ground. The bombing had put it all in perspective. He wasn't guaranteed a tomorrow with Kate and he wasn't about to waste another today. He was going to tell her he loved her again.
He went in that morning full of nerves and hope. Nerves that she wasn't ready to hear the words, didn't feel them in return. Nerves that he could get everything he ever dreamed of or come crashing down to earth. Hope that she loved him too, that her wall had come down, that she was ready. His hand was shaking as he gave her that coffee but she didn't notice. He was so close to getting the words out before Ryan interrupted. He could have smacked him for his lack of timing again. But the words could wait. He had waited that long he could wait until the case was over.
Things had been moving forward between them since she showed up at his book signing. She came to find him and they had talked some of it out. She had asked him to wait and he was more than willing to do that. Josh was gone and even if she didn't remember what he said she was there with him and she wanted him around. That was enough. He could wait for her.
Even during one of the most difficult cases they had faced they were getting closer. He knew she could feel it too. And then it all fell apart. She didn't know what her words had done to him. She didn't know he had heard them at all. She didn't know that he knew her secret. She didn't know just how heartbroken he was.
He fled that day and he fled the day he came to Vegas. He had to get away from her. Finishing out the case was hard enough but being around the constant reminders of her were his undoing. Kate was everywhere he looked. In the loft, on the street, in his words, in his thoughts, in his dreams, she was everywhere he was and he didn't want her to be.
The first night in Vegas had been enough to drown her out but the hangover this morning was more than he thought he could handle. As much as he wanted to repeat that performance tonight his heart wasn't in it. His heart was with her, in New York, in shambles.
She remembered. This whole time she remembered what he said to her. Remembered everything that happened the day they buried Roy Montgomery. She had played him for a fool this whole time. Leading him to believe that she didn't know that he loved her. Making him think that there was a chance they could be together if he could just get through those walls of hers.
But she obviously didn't love him. If she did she would have said so, would have told him she knew what he said. Even if she wasn't ready, if she was still healing, he would have waited. He had been doing that anyway. But everything was different now. She didn't love him and probably never would.
He knows he should talk to her about it. Maybe give her the chance to explain everything but the time for explanation has passed. Now he just wanted to forget, to move on and away from her.
The first step in his plan was to empty his mini bar. Screw the hangover he knew would come again in the morning. Screw the memories that were tearing his insides apart. Screw everything. Tonight he was going to feel nothing and think of nothing. Tonight he would escape.
With every bottle a image of her passed before him. At crime scenes, doing paperwork at her desk, lines formed between her eyes when she's staring at the murder board, the way she rolls her eyes at his theories, the cute way she bites her lower lip, all of these snapshots of their years together haunt him with every drink.
What seems like hours passes at mere minutes. A little after 11 he has emptied the mini bar and still feeling everything. The alcohol has only heightened the pain, made it all feel more real. He won't forget tonight. Tonight he will love her from afar, mourn her loss like she didn't survive that day and miss her like she is gone forever.
He faintly registers the sound of his cell phone when the text message comes through. It's enough to pull him out of the flash of her standing in the interrogation room ripping his heart out. He stumbles to his phone on the table and swipes open the screen.
It's from her. He's almost afraid to open it. What could she want from him now? She could be letting him know about a body, she is on call soon. She could be ready to try for that drink again. She could have sent him it by mistake. He knows he'll never know until he opens it.
Closing his eyes he opens the message and is not prepared for what he sees. Five words fill the screen. Three of the words that only break his heart all over again. Castle, I miss you. Kate.
His emotions are getting the best of him. The alcohol is only hindering his thoughts. He misses her too. How can he not? She is the love of his life. Nothing will change that. His non-sober mind can't let her go, can't let the hope of them go. Going with his heart, and the alcohol he types in his reply and sends it without thinking. I miss you too.
