sorry sorry sorry sorry. I just had a bb, and I spent the two months before bb being lazy and reading Merlin slash (which is all kinds of awesome and really, my writing is quite shit in comparison. You should all be reading that instead). Super big thanks to TwilightMundi for the beta.
I'm messing with a pretty big scene in canon here. There is no trip to The Meadow. Why? Because it never made a lot of sense to me. I mean, why would he hike her out there for hours? The Meadow isn't pivotal as a setting (I'm guessing it's only there because it was in the dream) and the Cullens have a great big forest surrounding their house which Liam is able to drive to, so . . . yeah.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm simply playing with her world.
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Mind Over Matter
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Biology wasn't as difficult as I was expecting. We were finally finishing off Lorenzo's Oil and it was easy to focus on the screen and pretend Edward didn't know I found him attractive. It was easy because there were so many other things I had to think about now.
Like being a vampire.
I tried to imagine what it would be like. Jasper had said all I'd care about would be drinking blood. It was hard to imagine that—what it would be like with no control. I wouldn't be able to be around Charlie anymore, or Renee. I'd have to disappear.
I'd probably become one of the Cullens.
Alice had had a vision of me like that, so it felt like it was a foregone conclusion, but then Edward was adamant it may not happen. I had to wonder if I had any control over whether it did or not. Could it possibly be my choice?
What would I choose?
It wasn't as if my life had been amazing so far. There wasn't anything special about me—well, apart from the bit where I liked guys, but that was far from a blessing. It wasn't like I was going to grow up and meet a nice girl and have a family. I didn't have a lot of friends, and even those I did have, I wasn't exactly close to. I had no plans for my future—nothing beyond going to college somewhere I could afford.
With an audible sigh I realized there wouldn't be much to miss. Being a vampire would be an improvement, even with the pain and the blood thirst and the dying. It would be something.
I tried to sneak a glance at Edward but he caught me. Stupid over-developed vampire senses. He gave me an apologetic sort of smile and I probably should have been embarrassed by Alice and the sweater again but instead I felt a lot better. He was still human, figuratively, and the thought of being around him, possibly for ever, well, that wasn't bad either.
Edward looked back to the screen and I lowered my eyes to his chest, allowing myself one good unabashed look at him. I didn't ogle—I wasn't stupid enough to try and get away with that in class—I eyed him just enough to appreciate the sweater again without worrying about him catching me. And as I casually went back to pretending to watch the movie, something occurred to me.
Alice had picked the sweater for Edward. She'd known that I'd like it. That was a tiny little detail, nothing too conspicuous, but . . . Edward could read minds, so he must've known too.
And yet he'd worn it.
Why?
The most obvious answer didn't make any sense given Edward was straight, and yet, nothing else made sense either. Sure, maybe he just wanted to see my reaction, or maybe just fuck with my head a bit, but that didn't seem like Edward. And it made me wonder . . . maybe Edward wasn't entirely straight after all?
The credits began to roll and Mr. Banner stopped the tape. My thoughts were put on hold as he half-heartedly began explaining the relevance of the film and what we should have learned. He wrote some notes on the board for us to copy, along with questions for us to "think about" before Monday, and then dismissed us a few minutes early.
I glanced at Edward and found he was already watching me. Was it an interested look?
"So . . ." I searched for something to say. "Are you coming over this afternoon?" It seemed innocuous enough, and after the little revelation I'd just had, knowing if hanging out with me was the sort of thing he wanted to do was kind of crucial.
Edward's brow furrowed, but only a little bit. "No."
"Okay," I said, trying to sound unfazed, then unzipped my bag only to realize I didn't have to pack anything away.
"I need to hunt tonight," Edward added. "It's a precaution. For tomorrow."
"Oh." I stopped fiddling with my bag and looked him in the eye again.
And then there was a different idea in my head, one of Edward hunting animals, latching onto their throats and . . . lots of blood. Edward lunging. Edward biting. Edward drinking. I wanted to be able to see it.
"I need to be able to resist," he added, his eyes pointedly slipping over my neck before staring at the desk.
I wished, not for the first time, that he could just drink from me, then took a deep breath and shouldered my bag.
"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." I hopped off my stool and turned away, but his arm reached out and grabbed me so carefully, I barely felt it.
"You don't have to come."
I stared at his hand on my arm, the cold touch so inhuman yet not unfamiliar. He noticed and abruptly let go, which annoyed me because he was assuming I didn't like it.
"I want to."
His eyes glanced around, checking the others were leaving. "Alice's visions . . . they've been stronger, more certain, after you said you would. It's dangerous for you."
There was a small spike of fear at his words. Was it going to be so soon?
"You won't hurt me," I said, barely managing to keep the uncertainty out of my voice, then turned and walked out before he could try to convince me otherwise.
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On Saturday morning, I tried doing some homework, actually did some laundry, and then gave up trying to wait until eleven just to spite Alice and just got ready to go to the Edward's.
Alice had made sure I knew where they lived and I managed to find it, despite the house not being visible at all from the street. The house itself was huge, had to be the biggest in Forks, but that kind of fit with the Cullen family—immaculate, exclusive, beautiful. Before I got out of the truck I glanced at my watch. It was just after ten in the morning, just like she'd said it would be.
I approached the door and had a brief moment where I worried what I'd do if Doctor Cullen answered, but then it swung open before I could knock. Alice stood there, smiling brightly.
"Hi," I said, climbing up the few steps to the porch.
"Hi. Come on in."
Okay, so the house was huge, and decorated like something off TV—the type of decorating that Renée always claimed she loved, yet failed to replicate in any way. I'd always thought that Forks seemed stuck a few decades behind, but this house sure wasn't. Alice led me through to a living area where the other Cullens, all the other Cullens, were sitting and standing around. They looked carefully arranged, the whole scene straight from a furniture catalogue or something.
"Look who's here," she announced. They all acknowledged me, either with a wave or a nod, or in Edward's case, a stern look.
I gave a general nod and said "Hi," feeling more than a little trapped. I was expecting Edward and maybe a couple of the others, not everyone, and it was disconcerting. They were all staring at me and I didn't know who to look at, letting my eyes flick from one to the other nervously, my smile forced and uncomfortable on my face. The lack of conversation became startlingly obvious, and Alice jumped to fill the gap.
"This is our mother, Esme," Alice said, steering me towards the kitchen. Esme didn't look that much older than the others—definitely not old enough to be their mother, and I briefly wondered how anyone could ever believe this was a regular family. Esme gave me a fond smile with crinkly eyes and shook my hand.
"And you've already met Carlisle," Alice added.
Doctor Cullen didn't hold out his hand. "Nice to see you again, William. How's your dad?"
"He's okay," I answered automatically.
"Good to hear."
Doctor Cullen's smile wasn't nearly as off-putting as everyone else's. His was easier, like he knew exactly how I was feeling, and that made me feel more relaxed.
"Well," he said, touching Esme's arm gently, "we just wanted to say hello. No need to make you feel like an exhibition," he added, pointedly looking over my shoulder in the direction of the others. "We'll be upstairs if you need us," he said to Alice.
She smiled and nodded in a reassuring way and I realized what they were really saying. To get him if Alice saw anything bad was going to happen. The nerves that had settled while talking to Carlisle came back ten-fold, and I had to remind myself that I wasn't uncertain about this. It was what I wanted.
"Edward," Alice called out. "How would you and Liam like to go for a walk?"
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Edward led me out through the shaded forest. It smelled earthier out there, or maybe it was the lack of sound that made it seem that way. It was eerily quiet.
"They'll all be watching us," Edward commented with a backward glance at the house.
"Checking on you?"
A short laugh escaped him. "I'm sure that's part of it."
We continued to walk, not in any rush.
"So, how far do we have to go before they can no longer hear us?"
"Further than I want to. It wouldn't be safe." He paused and gestured to a fallen log. It looked like it had been ripped out of the ground, the broken dry roots all visible and sticking out the end.
I sat down and waited for him to join me. He didn't.
"Do you ever get sick of it? I mean, having them be able to hear you all the time, and Alice being able to see everything?"
"I'm used to it now, we all are. And they're used to me," he added. I'd forgotten he could hear all their thoughts. "Alice and I make an effort to not be too invasive; we try to preserve their privacy, out of respect. It's in our own best interests anyway. There are some things you don't want to know about your family." He smiled and looked almost coy. "We don't have secrets from each other."
My whole life felt secretive, like there was always something I was holding back and not telling people about. I wondered if that would be different if I was part of the Cullens, then stopped, not wanting to send my thoughts down that path until I knew it was a real possibility.
"So . . ." I began, "What else did Alice see?"
Edward changed his mind then and sat down on the log as well, a good distance away.
"After the first two visions, there were more. And they became more frequent. There was the accident—Alice saw what was about to happen, although only just before." He sounded almost apologetic.
I nodded, wanting him to continue. The accident wasn't what I was interested in.
"There were a lot of glimpses of you at school, things you would be doing. There was blood-typing. I mentioned Lauren and what could have happened there." He paused and seemed to smell the air, his head tilted back slightly. "That's when they started to change."
"Change?"
"You'd already shown that you were trustworthy after the accident," he continued. "And I guess some part of the visions made me see you as a potential friend. When Lauren was thinking about making your life difficult, I wanted to interfere." He sighed. "It's been a long time since I've wanted to try and change a human's future."
"And that changed Alice's visions?"
Edward stretched out his legs and gripped his hands together. "Alice still sees you as a human a lot of the time—and there are glimpses that could be years away—but she sees you as a vampire more and more. And she sees you with me."
"...with me." His words echoed around in my head for a bit. I wanted to ask in what way, but he'd said it so casually that there was no way he meant it like that.
"So it's likely I'll survive today," I joked.
Thankfully, Edward smiled. "Yes. It's likely, if you trust Alice's wildly inaccurate premonitions."
We sat in silence for a bit until I couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'm okay with becoming a vampire," I said, a bit impulsively. He may as well know.
"Don't say that."
"I am, though. It's not like I'm giving up a great life."
Edward glared at me. "You would still be giving up life. Our family—most of us are vampires because the only alternative was death. What you consider giving up . . . it's akin to suicide."
"But my life could be better. I wouldn't have to worry about . . . being different."
Edward shook his head, brought his hands up to drag through his hair. "It's abhorrent that you think dying is better than living as a gay man. You don't even know what it could be like; you've never talked to anyone about it. Your father—"
"I don't want Charlie to know." At Edward's glum look, I added, "Ever."
"He's more understanding than you give him credit for."
I laughed, because that was not my dad. Charlie was withdrawn and emotionally stunted. Just the way I liked him.
Edward scrunched his face up as though reluctant to say his next words. "He already thinks you are."
My mind jolted because Charlie couldn't know. I'd been careful.
"He would understand," he added.
I swallowed before talking. I'd already made up my mind about this and I didn't want Edward changing it. "Look, I don't want him to have to understand. It would be easier if I could just . . . " start over. I didn't bother finishing the sentence. It was cowardly and there was no way I could justify wanting to become a vampire that way. It was never the real reason anyway—that was always Edward, but I couldn't tell him that, could I?
"Even if he would understand, that's not the life I want." I looked at Edward and stared at his weird-colored eyes, trying to tell him what I did want without having to say the words. I wanted to be near him, to get to know him, and if that meant eventually becoming a vampire, well, so be it.
He met my gaze without flinching and after a few beats he gave a small nod, like he understood, before looking away. It was too simple though—there was no way he caught what I wasn't saying.
"Alice's vision of us together," he continued, "I didn't take it seriously because it wasn't possible. Your scent—even now, it's a strain to be close to you. And it was easy to tell myself that my interest was only because you were so unique, that I needed to know what you were doing because I couldn't hear it. And then there were urges, at first just to check on you, but then they became more . . . protective." He smiled slightly, amused by his thoughts. "Everyone else in the family seemed to know what was happening well before it occurred to me."
"What was happening?"
"Vampires can become . . . attached to one person." He was smiling but it was like he was trying not to. "I'd always believed a person's thoughts were what appealed to me. But with you . . . I can't hear anything. Somewhere between finding that intriguing and discovering that I could sit next to you without endangering your life, I've become attached to you. More than I should."
He was silent for a moment before rolling his eyes. "Attracted is probably a more correct word for it."
From the house there came a very distinct Alice-sounding squeal.
I scoffed, because his words hadn't really sunk in. He had to be joking, right? Then I saw the touch of hurt on his face that my reaction caused.
"Sorry. It's just a bit . . . unexpected. I mean, you said you like girls?"
He grimaced. "When I said that, I was still trying to distance myself from you. Not that it was a lie; it has always been the case in the past. I've never met anyone like you before though, male or female."
"So you like me because of my mind?" I asked jokingly.
"Perhaps."
He was being serious. Edward Cullen was telling me that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't completely off the mark when I suspected his motives for wearing the sweater. He was staring at me now, waiting for my reaction, and for the first time I let myself imagine the intensity in his eyes wasn't just frustration and bloodlust after all, that there was another kind of want there too.
I smiled, wanting him to know I was okay with that, and his sternness eased into a look of bordering on relief, the hard edges softened. Then Edward's head tilted up and when I followed his gaze I saw the sun was out, beaming through the clouds that had blanketed the sky all day.
"We can't be seen in sunlight," Edward said absently, still looking up.
"What?" I asked, confused by the sudden topic change.
"Our skin reflects light differently," he explained. "The sun doesn't harm us, but it does reveal what we are." He dropped his gaze, slightly abashed. "That's what Rosalie was referring to."
"Oh."
Edward's head tilted to side, like he was listening. I wondered what Alice was telling him now.
"Would you like to see?" he asked.
After I nodded, he ducked his head, definitely embarrassed, then stood up and began unbuttoning his shirt. I didn't even try not to stare. Edward's chest was pale like the rest of him, completely firm, and perfect. So very perfect. He walked a few yards to where the sun peeked through the trees and stopped, turning toward me and holding his shirt open.
Rosalie's 'sparkling' comment was appropriate. Wherever the sun touched his skin, it looked like it was made of diamonds. It looked somehow fake, but it couldn't be because it was there, right before my eyes. Proof of just how unnatural Edward was. How inhuman I'd be.
Edward stepped back after only a moment, buttoning his shirt and obstructing my view. I barely registered it happening, though, my thoughts momentarily somewhere else.
I wouldn't be able to be seen in the sun.
"That's why you were away from school," I realized. "It was sunny."
"Yes. It's also why we choose to live in Forks."
"The least sunny place in the world."
"Only in the USA," he corrected with a wry smile.
I sat in silence with my thoughts and Edward didn't disrupt me. This was the first time I'd really seen how different he was. I knew about the blood and the other things, but I hadn't actually witnessed those. And now I was struck by a mild kind of panic—a fear of being different in this new way—and suddenly I needed more reassurance that this was the life I wanted.
"So what else can you show me?" I asked, hungry to see the benefits. "What about strength? How strong are you?"
Edward nodded towards the tree I was sitting on. Suddenly the jagged roots made more sense.
"You did this?"
His lip quirked up into a secret grin. It made him look younger, more reckless. "Yes," he admitted. "With ease." It was almost like he was boasting.
I stared at it some more, kind of floored by how it was even possible someone his size, no matter how strong, could uproot a tree that big. And that he'd done it 'with ease.' My mind swam with possibilities.
"How fast are you?" I asked.
He paused before answering, a hopeful look on his face. "I could show you." He glanced briefly toward the house and I was reminded there were others listening in. "Do you trust me?"
"Sure." I did trust Edward. I also trusted Alice to see anything that might go wrong.
"I'll hold my breath," he said, walking closer and then turning and presenting me with . . . his back? "Climb on."
"Okay." I stood on the log and placed my hands uncertainly on his shoulders. "Ready?"
He nodded and I sort of jumped onto his back, wrapping my legs around his waist and feeling completely ridiculous.
"You should close your eyes," he said, gripping my thighs and pulling me in closer. "And don't let go."
"I won't." I laced my fingers together around his chest and started bracing myself.
He launched us forward and I belatedly remembered to shut my lids. I could feel the movement around us, but I wasn't jostled at all. It was like he was gliding through the forest, holding me perfectly still. The noises whipped past my ears as he streamed between the trees, Edward holding me so firmly I didn't even sway.
I wanted to look, but to do that I had to shelter my eyes, so I tucked my face in as close as I could to Edward's cold neck and glanced out to see the world flying by. It wasn't possible to be moving that fast and it only took a few seconds before my inner ear reminded me of that, so I closed my eyes again. My blood pounded with adrenalin and I felt giddy, light-headed.
Edward's smell was stronger this close up and I dragged it into my lungs greedily. And then, even though I knew he'd feel it, I pressed my lips just a little more into his neck than the rest of my face and gave his skin the lightest kiss I could possibly get away with. When Edward didn't immediately throw me off, it was all the reassurance I needed, and I settled in for the rest of the ride unable to hide the smile on my face.
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