12

Book Two

Ian

I was bored. I was spending another afternoon with the guys I had deemed my "friends". There were five of us and it had become tradition to get the gang together every day after class, sit ourselves down, and talk about the things most guys talk about. Girls, sports, and boners. Even in the wizarding world boys were idiots.

By now I was used to it. I had mastered the art of pretending I was listening when really I was planning some kind of escape. It wasn't too hard to distract the guys but sometimes I liked to give myself a challenge. The most ridiculous excuse I had come up with was that I was in a mariachi band and was late for practice and unsurprisingly the guys were totally cool with it.

On this Thursday afternoon I did have actual plans. I was meeting with Wes for the second time to film more for his documentary and if I was being honest I was pretty excited. Being in contact with people that real brains and emotions was like going on vacation. My friends wouldn't get it but I was sick of being the stupid jock and the conceited popular kid. Sometimes I just needed a break from myself.

"Ian." Dan prodded, poking my shoulder. We were sitting in the Great Hall awaiting dinner that wouldn't come for another hour and I was currently staring lasers into the new Hogwarts crest tapestries that hung from the ceiling.

"Huh?" I jolted, suddenly feeling the burn in my eyes. I wondered if I had blinked at all in the past ten minutes. "What did you say?"

"He asked what you thought about that chick?" Tim said, pointing to a Ravenclaw girl with bouncy curls and a commanding look on her face. A face I recognized.

"No, that's Maggie. She's asexual." I answered, watching Maggie talk to some other Ravenclaws that looked slightly scared.

"What?" All four guys asked, dumb looks of confusion on their dumb confused faces. The question made me want to cringe but I kept my face carefree as always.

"It means she doesn't like girls or boys. Or anyone for that matter."

The guys all looked at each like maybe if they connected all their brain power they might be able to comprehend was I was saying. After a confused moment they all shrugged or shook their heads like the idea was just too daunting.

"What about her?" Robert said, pointing to another girl. Another girl I recognized. And as I looked at her I realized she was my way out of here. A plan formulated quickly in my head and when I looked at my friends with a grin on my face I don't think they noticed the difference.

"Why don't I go ask for her number?" I dared. All the guys raised their eyebrows and looked at me like no one else could come up with such a genius idea. I flashed a smile and stood up, straightening my already straight tie and flattening my hair. I winked at the guys before striding over to where the girl was sitting, homework spread before her.

"Hey Evie." I said, sliding into the seat across from her. She jumped and she looked slightly horrified to see me. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's alright." She replied, letting out a breath. When she went to scribble something on her homework her hand shook a little. But it was Evie and I was used to it.

"I didn't mean to interrupt yourself work I just needed to get away from my friends." I explained gesturing to the table two behind ours. Evie glanced at them and made a face and I couldn't help but laugh. She smiled a little before abruptly schooling her features and returning to her homework.

"So, I haven't seen much of you lately. What have you been up to?"

"Not much, I've been pretty busy with homework and stuff." She answered in a monotone. "Definitely not avoiding you or anything." She laughed awkwardly and just a bit too loudly and I forced myself to laugh along like I got the joke.

"You have a lot of homework?" I asked, desperately trying to find any source of conversation. Talking to Evie had only gotten harder as we got older and at this point it was just useless. I had spent a lot of time wondering if Evie even liked me anymore or if she was just pretending because there was no getting rid of me.

"Tons. What's the ingredient for Polyjuice Potion that needs to be picked at full moon?"

"Fluxweed."

Evie plucked one of the pencils from the intricate knot on her head and scribbled something down on a separate piece of parchment. The golden hair on the left side of her head drooped drastically but she didn't seem to notice.

"Your friends are staring." She commented without looking up from her frantic scribbling. I glanced behind me to see all four of them staring fixedly on me. I restrained from rolling my eyes and gave them an over exaggerated thumbs up.

"I told them I would get your number." I said, resting my chin on my hand. Evie looked up at me through her eyelashes but looked away as soon as we made eye contact.

"Here," she said, pulling the second pencil from from her hair and handing it to me. She ripped two pieces of paper and handed one to me. Her eyes flicked to the guys and when she looked back at me she had an unfamiliar smile on her face. She made a big deal of writing on her piece and I did the same. We switched papers and when I glanced behind me I saw the guys high fiving.

"I have to get a book from the library but if you want you can come with me. If you don't want to hang out with them anymore." Evie offered, stuffing her books into her bag. I thought I saw red on her cheeks but she had her face turned away from me.

"Thanks." I said, following her out of the Great Hall. "You're the best. My mom told me to tell you so before I left."

"I miss your mom." Evie smiled. "Her cooking is the best."

"She's always asking me about you. I think she would rather have you in the house than me."

"I'll have to visit her."

We both grew quiet after that, lost in our own thoughts. The last time Evie was in my house was the summer before fifth year and even then we were starting to grow apart. Now after everything it seems like we're two different people. Everything is different now.

"Wes, can I tell you something that I've never told anyone before?" I was reclining in one of the stiff chairs in the library, facing an excited looking Wes. We had just finished our second interview and he seemed more than pleased.

"I'm worried. Should I be worried?" He was joking but I winced anyway. The thought had been rolling around in my head all day and I knew that I should vent to at least one person.

"I'm not who I pretend to be." I said slowly, the words sounding wrong and inarticulate.

"I'm different from what everyone thinks I am." I tried again, not liking those words any better.

"After Cedric died it was like there was this space where he used to be. This sounds really cheesy but he was like sunlight filtering through a window, he just took up so much room. I wasn't much to him, merely a fan, someone who looked up to him, but without him I felt lost.

Wes seemed intrigued now, his smile gone and replaced with furrowed eyebrows and sad look.

"That summer was horrible. I cut off from everyone and basically became a new person. It was like I took everything that I thought Cedric was and made myself new. I wanted to fill the space he left with this improved version of myself.

"And things were good for awhile. People flocked to me like they did with Cedric and I felt bad for leaving my old friends without even a goodbye but I somehow thought it would all work out for me. Except now here I am a few years later hating what I've become. Its like the old me is hiding in a dark corner on a time out and when I actually bring him out it screws up everything I've built and I hate them. I hate all of those people who claim to be friends but would sell me out if they got a better offer."

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

"It's like wearing a mask and I'm so sick of it. I don't want to be this twisted version of what I thought Cedric was because he wasn't this way. He was kind and intelligent and better than what I am. What I'll ever be.

"I just want people to like me for me"

The air felt thick with everything I had just confessed and it almost felt good to have said it all. I still felt the weight of it on me but it felt just a tiny bit lighter. When I met Wes' eyes I wasn't afraid that he was judging me because I knew he understood. He always understood.

"I like you, Ian." Wes said. "And I knew from the moment I met you that you weren't that guy. And if people don't see that then they don't deserve you in the first place."

For the first time I wondered what it would be like if I left everything behind and lived how I always wanted to. Made real friends and acted like my real self. Now that was a thought.