Story: Somewhere Only We Know
Rating: Teen
Chapter Title: You're Gonna Let Me In
Author's Note: Hope you're enjoying this now that it's taking a more positive Java Junkie angle. Chapters 5-8 were definitely the most angst-y, it'll be happier from now on, don't worry.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls, nor am I in any way affiliated with them. Story and chapter titles are taken from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane.
Loud. That was Lorelai's first thought upon entering the town meeting which Luke so frowned upon, yet he seemed to go every week. She figured it was a reputation thing – keep his growly outside up by saying he hated all town events, but she was sure he really loved them. The townspeople were bustling and shouting and pushing and finally there was a loud bang and everyone settled into their seats. The man standing behind the podium seemed vaguely familiar, and Lorelai realized that he was Taylor Doose – the same one she had asked directions from six long years ago. Well, he looked exactly the same.
"People, quiet, please!" he shouted, and the noise settled down. Rory giggled next to Lorelai, and Luke, sitting directly across the aisle, rolled his eyes dramatically. "Now. We have an important issue that has been brought to my attention by Miss. Patty." The large woman seated on the right of Taylor smiled proudly and preened, and Luke leaned across the aisle to whisper in Lorelai's ear,
"That's Miss. Patty – the gossip. Well, she and Babette."
"Hey!" a husky-toned woman seated behind Lorelai said indignantly. Then she shrugged. "Oh, who am I kidding?"
"What's the problem, Taylor?" Luke called out.
"Well, I was getting to that, Lucas. Now. As you know, the snowfall this year has been astronomical. Just last week it was up to five feet of snow. Now, the roads leading to and from Stars Hollow are icy and extremely dangerous, people. Apparently the snow got deferred to us and away from all the other parts of Connecticut, as they are having lovely sunny brisk weather! Anyways. I do realize that, in the past, we have dealt with icy roads and moved on, but this year there have already been two car accidents, and there have been fatalities!"
"What?" someone exclaimed.
"Oh, Taylor, it was two squirrels," Miss. Patty said off-handedly.
"Nonetheless, they could have easily been pedestrians. So. I propose that we raise funding to install heaters under the roads to melt the ice and create a safer environment for the good citizens of Star's Hollow."
"How much would that be, exactly?" a man in the back asked.
"Oh…well, that's not important right now…"
"Yowza!" Miss. Patty exclaimed, looking over Taylor's shoulder.
"How much?"
"Too much!"
"Taylor, no one's dead yet, the snow'll pass in a month – let it go!" Babette shouted. Taylor sighed.
"All in favor of spending, yes, a sum of funding on safe passage to and from Stars Hollow?" Several hands were raised. "All against?" The majority of people raised their hands. "Very well, motion denied. Now, onto the next order of business…ah, yes, there is a clarification that must be made immediately. Let's see…" he flipped through a few pages. "Ah, here we go. Lucas Danes, you are called to the stand?"
"To the stand?" Luke spluttered. "What stand?"
"Er…just come stand here."
"I'll stay right here!"
"Very well, then. Now. Over the course of the past two months, Stars Hollow citizens have noticed a chain of events that have lead them to question the honesty and openness of our small town. Just last month, there was a loud argument behind the diner, and over the last month there has been a frequent reoccurrence of that young lady and that little girl in your diner." Lorelai blinked in surprise.
"What is this?" she asked Luke, staring at Taylor's finger pointing right at her.
"Taylor, why do you care who goes to my diner?!"
"I don't care, this is a matter of clarification. What exactly is your relation to those women?"
"Women? Rory's six!" Lorelai said indignantly.
"Luke?"
"Taylor, this is ridiculous - "
"Luke! Direct avoidance of courtroom interrogation by the town selectman violates section E part 7 phrase - "
"Taylor!"
"C'mon," Lorelai said encouragingly, softly so no one else would hear. "You can tell him, it's okay. I don't mind." Luke sighed.
"All right, then, the little girl – Rory – is my daughter."
"What?" Babette exclaimed behind them.
"Rory? Could you attest that this true?" Taylor asked. Lorelai stared at him, incredulously.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded. "She's six! And what are you talking about, courtroom interrogation? This is a dance studio!"
"Oh. She's feisty," Miss. Patty said. Lorelai sighed. How had she lived in this town for six years and only now knew how freaking insane these people were?!
"Please state your name," Taylor told her.
"I'm Lorelai Gilmore. This is Rory Gilmore."
"All right. Continue." She rolled her eyes. That she had to be given permission to yell at this guy…
"Yes, Luke is Rory's dad, and yes, I'm her mom, but no, we are not together, but yes, you'll be seeing a lot of us. Happy?!"
"All right, thank you, Lorelai Gilmore, for this clarification…are there any other matters of business that must be addressed? No? Well, then. Meeting adjourned." He hit the table with a gavel.
"Why would anyone in their right minds give that man a gavel? It's like giving the Marx brothers a small enclosed area. You just know something awful's going to happen," Lorelai grumbled as they stood.
"Amen," Luke said emphatically. "Sorry about this…" She shrugged happily
"It's okay. I mean, yes, these people are insane, but, hey. Who isn't?" Luke chuckled as they shuffled out of the dance studio into the freezing January air.
"You wanna come by the diner?" Luke asked, and Lorelai looked at Rory, who nodded, her smile concealed behind a scarf.
"Yeah. Anything to escape the cold." The three of them entered the diner and as Luke went behind the counter, Lorelai sat on a stool and helped Rory up while he bustled around in the back turning on ovens and whatnot. "How was your playdate at Lane's house?" she asked her.
"Fun. We played hide and seek and then Mrs. Kim got mad and fed us flaxseed muffins."
"As punishment? That's awful."
"Not as punishment. But they were awful," Rory clarified. "I'm soooo hungry."
"Me too. Burgers, please, Luke!"
"And mac and cheese!"
"And fries!"
"And fries!" Luke poked his head around.
"You already said fries."
"Fries," Lorelai said slowly, pointing to herself, and then, pointing to Rory, she said, "Fries. And coffee, please."
"Fine. But you give her so much as a whiff…"
"Oh, chill out, you big baby." He went back to make their food, and Lorelai peered under the plastic cover that covered the donuts. She handed Rory one, and took a chocolate cream one for herself.
"You're going to be sick," Luke grumbled from the kitchen, and plopped two plates of fries in front of them. Lorelai looked at them for a moment.
"Luke?"
"What?"
"Do you consider me to be an idiot? This is one portion of fries split onto two smaller plates."
"It is not."
"Really!" She began to count.
"Okay, okay, okay. Stop. God. How you figure that out…"
"Ah, it's okay, I think we have enough coming as it is."
It was cold. Bone-numbingly cold, the kind of cold that Connecticut was famous for. Lorelai's sweater, scarf and long wool jacket over pants were not nearly warm enough, and a ridiculous ski cap was perched on her head. Why she had chosen now to finally come was beyond her, but as she left the Crap Shack on foot, she was seriously regretting not taking the car.
Of course she wasn't walking all the way to the woods – it was at least fifteen miles. But the bus stop in Star's Hollow was a good ten minute's walk, and in knee-high snow, it took at least twice as long. It was funny, because as a teenager, she had simply walked the mile or two from school to get to the woods, but now it was a big commute. But at least she was going.
Finally she reached the bus stop outside the diner, and she peeked in before sitting down on the nearby bench to see if Luke was there. He wasn't. She shrugged and waited for the bus, rubbing her hands together to keep warm and tugging the hat down around her ears. Finally, finally, the big bus came, and she boarded, letting her coins fall into the machine and sitting at the back. She stared out the window as they whizzed past rural Connecticut, and smiled faintly as she recognized different places from when she was a teenager. She got off at the high school, and paused as she walked by. It was around noon, and she figured it was the lunch hour, because the steps were packed. She saw friends chatting, but her smile faltered when she saw a girl and a boy, maybe in ninth or tenth grade, both brunette, having what seemed like a serious discussion on the stairs. He stepped towards her, reached out tentatively, and kissed her. She seemed to kiss him back, but then turned and darted down the steps and out of sight. Déjà vu much? She wondered, raising an eyebrow. It was like she was watching herself and Chris as tenth graders, after her fight with Luke after the part...but of course, she doubted that this girl hid out in the woods secretly and was in love with her best friend. The poor guy probably kissed her and she didn't like him back. And that was sad. She shrugged it off and stuffed her hands in her coat pockets and began the walk to the woods. She wouldn't have believed that she still knew how to get there, but her feet carried her down the road and veered to the left onto the frosted dirt path, through snowy trees into what she could only describe as a winter wonderland. She had forgotten how gorgeous it had been here in the winter…each tree frosted in snow, every spike of grass tipped by a frosty cap. It struck her how the same this place was, though. Absolutely gorgeous. So silent, so…away from everyone else. It was easy to see why Luke and herself had found such relief here. It was just perfect.
Lorelai walked tentatively over to the snow-covered boulder and shoved away a patch of snow. She frowned, and then took her scarf to wipe it dry. She sat. Didn't help with the cold, much, but soon she was settled, and felt less like an intruder here. Now, she felt like she was…coming home, even. However cheesy that sounded. She opened her bag that she had packed specially for the occasion, and pulled out a CD player and put the headphones over her ears. The music slowly swelled, and she closed her eyes and let her thoughts wander.
She hadn't been here in more than six years. Seven, really. She wondered if anyone else had discovered it. Any troubled high school students searching for escape. Or maybe this was where the prep school's senior class threw its parties now. That made her shudder – the thought of this magical place packed with drunken teenagers, music blasting…ugh. No.
And slowly, her thoughts drifted away from here and instead went to Rory. Her Rory. She was just perfect, really. She was doing well in school – or as well as one can do in kindergarten – and she was so smart. She read more every day, and even when she talked, she had the voice of a little girl, but she sounded twelve. The funny thing was, that mothers always said how much their daughters were like them, but that didn't seem to be the case in the Gilmore family. Lorelai was the complete opposite of Emily in every way, and while she was very similar to Rory, there were differences. Rory was a little more serious, a little more cautious than her mother had been at that age – hell, every age. However, they indulged in the same foods, Lorelai had introduced her to the best movies, and they listened to the same music. And, on occasion, she would see a part of Luke in Rory that would make her stop up short, it was so similar. Like, the way Rory laughed. A short, halting chuckle. And the way she smiled – her smile was Luke's. And, of course, her eyes…god, they were exactly the same, they even changed color in the same subtle ways that his did. They were a bluish grey most of the time, but when she was upset, or confused or angry, they darkened and became greyer, and when she was happy the blues sparkled. And they did the same funny thing where the corners of their eyes crinkled when they were trying to suppress any kind of emotion at all.
Of course, thinking about Rory and Luke quickly segued into just Luke. It was so strange…they were friends, and they were talking, but it was a little more banter and a little less seriousness than it had been in the past. Now, when they talked about something serious, it was a big deal – a sit down conversation, awkward pauses…of course, it might have just been that they were older now. Had tact, worldly wisdom…but she really, really wanted to go back to being fourteen where she could just spill her guts to him and he would sympathize and laugh and sigh where appropriate.
A part of her knew what the change was, but it was almost too complicated to put into words. It was like…when they had first become friends, they were young, fresh, and they hadn't even noticed the not-so-normal elements of their relationship that led to that night, and then to their six-year estrangement. But now…they were conscious that those elements had existed, and they were suppressing them intentionally, and that took out the extra something from their relationship that had made it so easy to just talk.
And, the six years apart hadn't helped. For all she knew, Luke had been with someone for those six years – she hardly thought he'd been celibate. Then again, it wasn't like she'd sold for ten bucks a dance. The first few years when she was still living at home she hadn't seen anyone, and then a couple years back she had dated a certain Jack Manfield for about a month in an attempt to distract herself and get over the hump that was Luke. She hadn't been able to bring herself to sleep with him, though. They'd gotten close – very close – but she'd freaked and made him leave. It was like…when he'd touched her shoulder, or held her hand, all she could think of was Luke, because he was all she had to compare him to. So that had ended, and now…now. She and Luke were stuck in this funny place where they weren't quite here nor there, and they knew that whichever direction they went, it would kill the other one. A relationship? Dead friendship. Solid friendship? No chance of a relationship.
The CD ended and she took off the headphones. She glanced up and jumped.
"Jeez!" Luke was leaning against the tree, looking at her. "Talk or something! How long have you been there?" He shrugged.
"A few minutes."
"And you were staring at me creepily because…" He shrugged sheepishly.
"I just saw you, and you were sitting there with your headphones, and you just looked exactly like you did when you were fourteen. Exactly," he said again for emphasis. She looked at him for a second and then stood.
"When did you start coming back?" she asked.
"A couple weeks ago."
"Oh. I haven't…until now."
"Yeah, I sort of figured." She sighed.
"Isn't it weird how it's exactly the same? I bet the spot where I spilled my nail polish once is still there." She looked around. "I wonder if anyone has come here the past years. I hope…not."
"Yeah, I doubt it, I mean…when I found this place, I swear no one had ever touched it."
"Wow." She looked at him quizzically. "How did you find it?"
"Same as you, I guess. I was just…I don't know, trying to escape, I guess? I didn't know I was here until…I was here."
"Funny how that happens," she said, a bit nostalgically. He tilted his head and looked at her.
"You okay?"
"What? Me? I'm fine!" she exclaimed. "Fine. Why?"
"You look distracted."
"Oh. Well. Yeah. Maybe." He moved towards her, and they sat on the freezing boulder.
"Something wrong?" She frowned, formulating her thoughts before she spoke.
"I…no. Not really. It's just lots of stuff…happening." When he didn't respond she took it as a cue to continue. "Like, you. You're suddenly back in my life, and it's great, and I love that you're getting to know Rory."
"But…" He knew her too well.
"But, it's…different. Than it was before. I feel like talking – really talking – is a bigger deal than it used to be." A frown crinkle his brow.
"What do you mean?"
"I used to be able to spill my guts to you, tell you everything on my mind, nothing was off limits, but now…" she sighed. "There's stuff that's off limits." He didn't say anything, just nodded ever so slightly. "Like…" she stopped, looking at him warily. "Is it – is it okay? For me to go on?"
"Yeah. Of course."
"Okay. So, right now, forget Rory, forget…November 28th."
"Okay…" She bit her lip and then released it, and spoke.
"There's all this stuff floating around my mind about this – this guy. We slept together when I was fifteen, he was eighteen, and we didn't talk for almost seven years, but now we're talking again. We have a kid. But when we were teenagers, I could tell him anything, and now…I can't. Because the stuff I really need to talk about is stuff we barely ever mention. Like, I don't know what I feel about him." She paused, glancing at his face before continuing. "It's different, what we have now, than what we had before. Because before, I think it was more than friendship, we just didn't realize it because it was the first time either of us had just had such an intense friendship. And I feel like now everything we felt before might still exist, it's just locked away because we're either afraid to let it out or – well, that's it, afraid. Of the consequences, I think. But I don't even know if that's what it is, I just know that I haven't stopped thinking about him since I was fifteen, and if this is love, and I don't know if it is, then I'm just…scared. Terrified, really. Because I don't know how to do this, I'm stuck at fifteen years old. I don't – it's all so…new." She closed her eyes, resting her forehead in her hand. "I'm sorry. That was…ugh, don't even pretend you heard that, that was humiliating." She heard him shift, and then say,
"No…it's okay. I'm not sure I understood all of that, but I know what you mean. But, Lorelai, you and that guy…don't risk it." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "It seems like you guys might be able to get back to where you were before, and - "
"No, we can't!" she exclaimed. "Because until now, we haven't discussed this at all! How can we be as close as we were before if we can't discuss the one thing that I know is haunting both of us?!"
"We can," he said. "Its weird, maybe, but we can. It might be the only way, you know? To get back where we were before."
"Oh, Luke, how can we ever?" She looked him right in the eye. "Are you over me?" He blinked, obviously taken aback. "See, we're doing this honesty thing, spilling your guts. Are you over me?" she asked again. He exhaled heavily.
"No," he finally said, and he didn't look at her. That hurt, that he couldn't look at her…like he was afraid of her.
"See? It's been six years, and we're still not over each other. What makes you think it'll magically happen the next few weeks? Because until it does, we can never be as close as we were before."
"So what do you want to do?"
"I don't know. That's why I need my friend back. He'd tell me what to do," she said after a little while.
"Well…what do you think he'd tell you? Because my sense is that he usually told you what you already knew, and just didn't want to admit to yourself." She smiled a little.
"Probably he'd tell me that…I should just try to go back to being friends, because it's too complicated to try anything else. Because look what happened last time. And…he'd say that if we can just work past the past and get to know each other as adults, then…then maybe we could get back to how we were before."
"Sounds about right." Then he looked at her. "Whoa. You okay?" She was biting down hard on her lip and pressing her fingertips against her eyes, what she always did when she was trying not to cry – it never worked. "Hey…" he reached out tentatively and put an arm around her, and when she leaned against his strong shoulder he pulled her to him. It was platonic, reminiscent of the past, and it just made the tears start flowing. She pressed her face against his shoulder, against the soft green of his jacket, and knew that she didn't have to say why she was upset, he got it. He got that it was hard, knowing that what you wanted so, so badly, you could never get. "It's gonna be okay," he said, squeezing her shoulder.
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess," she said quietly. "I mean, it's taken me six years to get to this point, maybe in another eighteen, yeah, it'll be okay. Damnit," she said, swiping at her eyes with her gloved hand.
"It'll be okay," he said again, and this time, maybe it was because of the way he was holding her – like they were teenagers again and she was crying over Chris – she believed him.
