Chapter 11

"Didn't anyone tell you not to play with your food?" Jack said taking the still untouched bowl of cereal Danny was still stirring. He flinched as Danny looked up at him with haunted eyes. "I'm going to head out and get some food. Oh and Martin's here."

Jack was right; Danny had changed Martin thought as he looked at his friend. He was used to his friend being so full of life, but the person sitting at the table was still, as though his soul had ripped from his body. "Hey brother," he said walking up him, handing him a coffee. "I thought I would get you one of these, so, well you know, you didn't have to suffer Jack's coffee."

"Martin, I'm so-"

"Danny stop right there, okay. You trusted your handler, that's all. You trusted the guy who had your life in his hands and he lied to you, in fact he fucking betrayed you. So don't you apologise to me, it wasn't your fault!"

Danny let his head fall into his hands. "I'm still sorry man; I never wanted to hurt you guys. I just didn't want the ELN to do want they do in America. I didn't want people to get hurt, but I just hurt the people closest to me."

Martin pushed the open doughnut bag towards his friend. "I know you didn't want to hurt us brother, and you didn't. Yes, your 'death' was hard, I don't think any of us are over it, but it wasn't your fault. You trusted Hutchinson, we believed the fucking bastard. I'm sorry we believed him, I'm sorry we didn't continue to look for you."

"Martin it wasn't your fault!" Danny said in disbelief.

"Well if it's your fault, then it's my fault and Jack's, Sam's, Viv's, Emma's and Rafi's!"

"That's absurd!"

"Really and you blaming yourself isn't?!"

"You don't understand."

"Help me then. Tell me want happened, so we can help you. We've got your back. I swear to you, I will do everything I can do to help you get your life back, but you've got to talk to us. You've got to stop blaming yourself." He stopped and looked at his friend, at the untouched doughnut bag and coffee. "And you've got to fucking eat!"

"I don't think I can start again, I don't think I can start a fresh again!"

"You don't have to."

"What? The girl I loved, the girl I still love has moved on. The girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with has gone, I blew it!"

"Danny what are you talking about? Emma still loves you, she wrote Rafi's business plan. She, she probably broke every speed limit to catch the first flight out here." He shook his head. "Give her bloody credit man; she still wears your ring."

Danny racked his hands through his dishevelled hair. "I went to our apartment, well our old apartment and found she hadn't been living there for over nine months. So, I slept rough outside Jack's apartment for three days, waiting for him to turn up. Then I found all of those letters were lies, but maybe it was better that way. Martin, I've done some terrible things, things I don't think I can come back from."

"Shit Danny, you didn't deserve to find out like that. Hutchinson shouldn't have lied to you. "

"Maybe I did Martin, after the things I've done."

"Man, you were undercover. There are things you have to do when you are undercover. You had to establish your cover."

"Yeah, undercover," Danny laughed bitterly.

Martin inhaled sharply. "Hey, seriously have a doughnut, if Jack is cooking god only knows what we will eat."

"Shit man, I haven't asked about you. You've listened to me whining about my life, but I haven't asked single thing about you, and what's happening to you. Jack told me you are dating Beth from Legal Affairs."

"Yeah, it's going really well," Martin said with a smile.

"So, is she the 'one'?"

"I don't know, I really don't but I am happy."

"That's good Martin, I am really happy for you. What about the rest of the team?"

"Sam's pregnant with Brian."

"Who's Brian?"

"Some guy she met at a bar."

"What?!" Danny exclaimed. "Sam's pregnant from a one night stand?!"

"Yeah," Martin said sadly. He took a breath. "Danny it's been a crazy eighteen months."

"Oh fuck," Danny said racking his hands through his hair. "But she's okay, right? She's happy?"

"I think so," Martin replied. He looked at his friend. "Oh don't do that, it's not your fault. Yes, it could because of your death but it could have been because of a shitty case."

"What about Viv?"

"She's good. Reggie is doing well; he got a full scholarship to top private school."

"I know, Jack said. That's great news, I am so happy for her." He looked down. "What about Jack?"

"Jack, Jack," Martin said. He sighed. "Jack blames himself. You were the first agent the New York office has lost. He took your death personally; he thinks he should have protected you more. He was five minutes away from quitting the FBI when Van Doran forced him to close your case. But now his daughters are New York, and I think that helps." He looked at his best friend. "Don't you even go there Danny, don't fucking blame yourself!"

"Who else is there to blame?"

Martin's expression darkened. "Hutchinson."

Danny's jaw tensed and he looked away. "I could have-"

"Could have done what Danny? You thought Hutchinson had told us about what you were doing. You had to trust him; your life depended on it. If you tried to contact us, you would have blown your cover and probably ended up dead!"

Danny stood up and started pacing the room. "You know I thought I would just walk back into my life. That's what held onto all those months, my life. My life with Emma, my life at the FBI." He let out a hallow laugh. "Not like that's going to ever happen."

"Why not?!"

"Because, because, fuck I don't know. I clung to those images, to those memories; it's what kept me going through those dark nights and when the stench of fear grew too much when I was in prison. And now find I probably won't have that life again!"

"Danny, Danny for fuck's sake sit down," Martin yelled. "Why not? You are in Jack's apartment, and he's letting you stay as long as you want. He phoned me, and I dropped everything on my weekend. I don't care many weekends, evenings or leave I have to take, but I take it until this, all of Hutchinson mess has been sorted out. Your fiancée has dropped everything and is on the first flight out here. So sit down, stop blaming yourself and fucking well eat something!"

"Martin, I-"

"Danny, it's going to be tough, I'm not going to lie to you. You are going to have to tell us want happened out there. It's not going to be easy, but I've got your back brother. It's just a bump in the road, and you will come out of stronger than before."