Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well I'm still here, not that I haven't tried to rectify that but for some reason Haruhi decided that she liked me so her subconscious keeps foiling my various attempts at suicide. Ropes break, poison turns to water, giant pillows appear below windows over two meters high, etc. It's a bit like trying to talk Mello out of using your carrots as his latest fetish, you can try but you're just going to end up disappointed and probably scarred for life.

Also, Kyon's agreed to help me save Haruhi from having her food spiked with Viagra, this because the following will happen to him if L and Light succed: A: He will become Haruhi's newest BDSM sex toy, B: He will become Koizumi's sex toy or C: He will become both. At the same time. L and the rest of the elopers will probably join in as well, even Matt who's still dead.

Anyway, right now I'm stuck in the classroom because despite everything I've been through lately I still have to go to school. Oh, and another fast fact. The seating arrangement has been changed. Now I have L and Light to my left (and I thought having them up the front of the class was bad!) and Mello on my right who's holding Matt's old rice bowl reverently. I really wish I could say I don't have a clue of what he's planning to do with it, especially since it's getting mouldy now, but the simple fact is I do. I see it in my nightmares.

Well, there's not exactly much for me to write about right now so that's it for now.

*****

Hello people, I'm Kyon, Near's busy fending off L and Light from Haruhi's lunch so I'm the one reporting this hour's segment of insanity. We're at lunch right now, Haruhi's go off to the bathroom, thus resulting in L and Light beginning their attempts to doom us all to an eternity of increasingly disturbed sexual experiences. Probably involving fruit and vegetables, considering what Near's told me about this universe.

What the- someone's just ran past ranting about Jam, and why is he naked? No, wait, let me correct that, he isn't actually naked he seems to be wearing red underwear... wait a second, that's not underwear-

*****

Near again, I managed to hold off L and Light until Haruhi came back to find that Kyon had helped himself to my dairy. Personally I don't really care if multitudes of people come in and start writing in it because the general incoherence might actually lead to a drop popularity and thus cause this fic to end and allow me release from this hell involving vegetable fetsihes and Jam cults.

Speaking of Jam cults BB just ran past, still clad only in the remnant's of his fetish, which caused poor Kyon here to keel over in sheer horror. Lucky bastard, still it's his first time experiencing the sheer relatedness of this fic and he just got a first hand look of BB full frontal without so much as heads-up so I'll let him slide this one time...

BB's still here, he has clothes now thank god. I've seen more than enough BB to last me several lifetimes. If you want a description think raisins. Very dry raisins.

The Twilight crew seems to be adapting well, apart from one who looks like BB just 'initiated' him into the elopers club. Edward still refuses to answer my question about how he managed to get an erection without blood pressure, the one called Bella currently chatting with a bunch of fan-girls about how awesome she is now that she's a vampire and....

Uh-oh.

There's a bunch of angry teenagers about to burst through the cafeteria doors, most them are wearing T-shirts with 'EDWARD-4-EVER' printed on in sparkles. For those of you who are too stupid to work out what's going on the aforementioned crowd are the numerous Twilight fans who want to wreak merciless vengeance on my poor, soft, extremely slow body for pointing out that there is no way Edward could possibly maintain an erection.

Excuse me, I have to run before they catch me, see you tomorrow. Or not.

July 11

Running like hell

The New Highschool of Hell

Nate Rivers