Chapter 12: The Road Trip To Oblivion and the War to End All Wars.

A/N: It's a whole month (or more) since I updated, so if you're still reading then I'm really sorry. I'm guessing no-one is actually reading this, but I promised to finish this, and that's what I'll do. First stop : Road Trip to Oblivion!

56: Driving to Oblivion is banned. End of.

"Richard..."

Richard sighed. He knew what was coming.

"Yes Jamie?"

"Can I borrow your car for a little trip?" asked the telepath.

Richard tried to resist, he really did. But resistance was useless against Jamie, and he slowly handed over the keys.

"Woo-hoo!" Jamie yelled." Road trip!"

"Jamie."

"Yes, Matty-boy?"

"Why the hell do you think we're going to get in a car with you?" Matt asked slowly.

Behind Jamie's back, Pedro could be seen stuffing things into a backpack. Sharp, dangerous things.

"Because it's fun!" Jamie replied." C'mon, Matt!"

Five minutes later.

"Why did I agree to this?"

Matt was wedged in an uncomfortable position on the back seat of Richard's tiny Fiat, just above Pedro's Mafioso bag and next to the Don himself.

"Follar conducción mierda, imbécil*!" Pedro swore.

"What did you say?" Jamie shouted from his comfortable position in the driving seat.

"GOOGLE IT, MORON!" Pedro yelled." No, don't- OH MY GOD!"

Jamie had followed Pedro's advice, and taken out his iPhone to Google Translate the curse. Unfortunately, he'd also taken both hands off the steering wheel, sending the Fiat careering off the road.

"Bien hecho, maldito idiota*!" cursed Pedro, now squeezed against the wall of the car.

Jamie tapped away at his iPhone.

"Pedro!" Jamie said, shocked." I never knew!"

"I'm driving," Matt said grimly." Out, Jamie."

"My car, my rules," countered Jamie.

"It's Richard's car," pointed out Pedro.

"Yeah, well, possession's nine-tenths of the law," Jamie replied.

"And llamas are ten-tenths of the law," answered Pedro." Llamas, seize him!"

A squadron of llamas materialised, and dumped Jamie in the boot, to many protestations from the telepath. Pedro turned to Matt.

"You're driving."

Twenty minutes later.

"Your taste in music is crap," complained Scott.

"So's your face," replied Matt.

"Burn!" laughed Pedro.

"Shut up," said Scarlett tiredly, looking up from her game of Angry Birds.

Pedro 'accidentally' fell into Scott on the next corner, and the telepath 'accidentally' hit the bag of sharp, deadly things.

"PEDRO!"

"No weapons in the car," said Matt tiredly, sending the weapons flying out of the window.

"I'm going to kill you," snarled Scott.

"Trololololololollollolooloolllolollo!" Pedro sang, oblivious to the threats sent his way.

"Are you even listening?" Scott roared.

"Of course not," replied Pedro.

Scott growled.

"You two, shut up already!" Matt roared, and the two fell silent.

The car continued in silence for another twenty minutes. All was well, and Matt started to hope he might be able to get out of this alive. Of course, nothing was ever that simple.

"Are we there yet?" Jamie asked.

"No," snapped Matt.

"Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No," Matt replied, pressing a button.

"Are we theremfffff," gasped Jamie.

"What was that?" Scott enquired.

"Nothing," Matt said innocently.

"It sounded like Jamie was being smothered with a Pillow Pet," Scott said suspiciously.

"Whatever do you mean?"

Another few minutes of peace. Then...

"I'm sexy and I know it!" Matt sang." Wiggle wiggle-"

"SHUT THE F_K UP!" Scott roared.

"Scott!" Scarlett said, shocked." Not in a T-rated story!"

"We don't know what a T-Rated story is," Pedro pointed out.

"Not in front of Jamie then!" Scarlett admonished.

"Piss off!" Jamie's voice came from the boot." I'm a frickin' teenager, dude!"

"Aww, is ickle Jamiekins all grown up now?" Pedro teased.

"Shut up, you llama-hugging moron," snapped Jamie.

"Take that back!"

Somehow, by some great force unknown to mankind, the Fiat actually made it to Antarctica, and to a convenience store in the middle of the icy wastes. Matt and Scarlett quickly popped in, Matt leaving a knife on his seat (which, as Scott painfully discovered, was a very effective deterrent). They returned laden with snacks, and set off again. Little did they know of the peril that lay in wait.

"Pedro's eating my Pringles!" Scott complained.

"Scott's stealing my Coke!"

"Jamie's pinching my crisps!"

"Matt's drink-driving!"

"You what?" Matt asked Jamie.

"You can't drink-drive, Matty-boy. Not even if you use the holders. You'll have to let me drive," sighed Jamie, taking the offending Coke can and gleefully pushing Matt from the drivers' seat.

"NOOOOOO!"

Twenty minutes later.

A now-familiar thump sounded as the Fiat crashed into a tree.

"How the hell do you crash into a tree in Antarctica?" Matt wondered as he picked himself up.

"The only tree for miles around," added Pedro.

"Ask Jamie," said Scarlett darkly.

"Jealousy," sighed Jamie as he swerved to avoid a penguin." I'm used to it."

The radio suddenly switched to a news report, which was saying something about 'an unknown object wreaking mass destruction over Antarctica.' Four heads swivelled towards Jamie, who was completely oblivious to the pointed glances. Instead, he was fixated on not running over the people ahead - after all, one was his girlfriend.

"Could we get a lift?" Holly enquired.

"Of course," smiled Jamie, pushing Scott from shotgun and confining Matt to the boot.

Holly, the Traveller and Chaos all climbed into the car, and Chaos immediately joined Matt in the boot, which was starting to look like the best option. Jamie set off again, but Holly immediately seized control after the first few crashes.

"Aww," complained Jamie." I only crashed-"

"One hundred and seventy times," finished Matt from the boot.

"Positively spotless."

"Yeah!" Jamie agreed." See that skill!"

"No," said Holly flatly." Anyway, where the hell are we going?"

"Chaos' house!" Jamie piped up.

Sighing, Holly entered the address into the sat nav, which cheerfully replied:

"Fifty miles until you reach your destination."

"Oh, God."

Unfortunately for the car's occupants, the sat nav was using Apple Maps from Jamie's iPhone. As such, it was horrifically inaccurate. So when they arrived at a crater instead of Chaos' house, and nearly drove into said crater, they were a bit... surprised.

"STUPID F_ING SAT NAV!" Holly yelled, pounding the sat nav with one of Pedro's weapons.

"You have arrived at your destination."

Holly finally snapped, and a dagger went straight through the sat nav, whose final words were:

"I hope you had a pleasant journey."

The car's occupants collectively sighed.

Now with Chaos directing from the boot, the car neared its destination. Thousands of miles of horror were about to end.

"Left - avoid the shark tank! Right - minefield. Southwest - laser weapons - we're here!"

"WHAT?"

"We're here!" Chaos said." But my spidey senses are tingling. All is not well."

"Hallelujah!" Matt yelled." Free! Free!"

Of course, that was when the fangirls appeared. Chaos turned to his companions.

"Back in the car."

*Pedro Spanish 1: Your driving's f***ing s**t asshole.

Spanish 2: Well done you f***ing idiot.

As you can see, Pedro's not happy.

57: Watch out for the fangirls.

Unfortunately for the brave companions, the car finally gave out. They were trapped.

"To the palace!" Chaos yelled, leading them into his throne room.

Luckily, the hordes of fangirls didn't see them thanks to Pedro's super-sneaky Mafioso tricks. However, they could hear them. More specifically, they could hear Pedro's theme tune.

"OMG it's Pedro!" gasped the horde." Marry me, Pedro!"

"En tus malditos sueños," cursed Pedro.

Unfortunately for Pedro, the fangirls could speak Spanish. But what was even worse was the fact that sometimes things get lost in translation. And sometimes things have double meanings. So when the fangirls started squealing, Pedro was confused. But confusion turned to fear when Pedro realised who these fangirls were.

"Mary Sues*," cursed Pedro." NOOOOOO!"

*Mary-Sue - 'perfect' characters. Think Bella in Twilight.

**Pedro Spanish 3: In your f***ing dreams.

58: Especially the Mary-Sues.

"Wonder what's happened to Pedro?" Matt asked.

"Do you think we should've told him they were Sues?" Jamie asked.

"Nah," said Chaos." He'll only be kidnapped, and tortured, and Sued."

This is my last stand, thought Pedro from his perch upon one of Chaos' walls.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Pedro roared." Oh, crap, wrong script."

"THIS IS LLAMA!" Pedro yelled." Still wrong script."

"OK, LLAMAS, TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! ASSEMBLE, LOYAL SOLDIERS!"

Vast armies of llamas assembled as per Pedro's command, and began to battle the Sues. It was an epic battle, and everything hung in the balance. After all, Jamie couldn't lose the money he was making from his new betting stall...

"5-1 on llamas to win! Great odds! 10-1 on Sues. 15-1 on Pedro making a decent speech. 0-1 on him making another cliched, awful speech, and our special odds, 20-1 on him falling off the balcony!"

Jamie was raking in the cash, and the llamas were pushing the Sues back. But the two were trapped in a deadlock. Pedro was going to break it.

"LLAMA SHOWER!"

Pedro's last-resort power sent the Mary-Sues squealing for a very different reason. They ran, the llamas hot on their heels. Onwards they fled. Straight towards Chaos' throne room.

59: Chaos is not allowed to throw people to the sharks.

"OMG Chaos!"

"Why me?" despaired the villain.

"S-S-s-sues!" Jamie stuttered, overcome with fear.

"Jamiekins!"

Matt and Chaos burst out laughing. Even Scott sniggered. Jamie gave them the evil eye. The impending violence was stopped by a fresh wave of sickeningly sweet declarations of love from the Sues.

"My innocence!" Matt moaned.

Scott took it like a man. He screamed loudly and curled up into a ball on the floor, with a loud 'F*** you Nightrise'. Chaos, however, had a plan.

"I have a plan!" Chaos declared, pushing a button.

The floor in front of the door rolled back, revealing a lake of great white sharks, teeth bared. Just in time for the Mary Sues, bickering wildly, to fall in.

"And that's how you deal with Sues," Chaos declared through the shocked silence.

"Isn't that cruel?" Jamie asked.

Chaos motioned to the pool.

"Do you want to join them?"

60: I am not allowed to dance on Chaos' throne.

All was well in the throne room. The Sues had been fed to the sharks, Pedro's llamas had chased off any more and even Chaos was smiling. So Jamie reckoned it'd probably be OK to dance on Chaos' best throne.

Meanwhile, Chaos was fiddling with the controls for his new throne...

"Spikes. Lasers. Shark pit," read the villain." Ooh, what's this?"

Chaos squinted at a small button.

"Anti-intruder mode," he read." Hey, not a bad idea..."

"Everybody dance - OW!"

Jamie's gleeful dance was cut short by the new throne's intruder mode, which had decided to release the spikes. Straight through Jamie's foot.

Not to worry, thought the telepath. Pedro can heal it.

Then the throne exploded...

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it!

NEXT UP: Where did Jamie land? Have we seen the last of the hordes? And what else does Chaos have up his proverbial sleeve?

RM