Nightmares.

I heard myself crying, I heard mom screaming. I heard the gunshot; saw myself looking down at her bloody, lifeless body.

I saw myself staring down the same barrel, asking my father to kill me. Just as he pulled the trigger I woke up, and I could hear my wails echoing in the room.

A familiar voice stopped me. "Shh, Jasper, your alright."

I felt her warm hand on my face and I opened my eyes, finding Bella through the mental fog that was blinding me. My head hurt a lot and my face was wet with tears.

She pulled me up, holding me in her safe arms until the terror of the dream had ebbed away. She let me sit there for as long as I needed, silent and supportive.

When I had calmed down I leaned back and she asked, "Are you okay?"

I shrugged miserably. What's counted as okay anymore?

She asked hesitantly, "So… what happened yesterday?"

I counter-asked. "How did you find out?"

She nestled into my arms and admitted, "Alice. You scared the hell out of her, and she has a nasty bruise on her shoulder from that calendar, too."

I had thrown something at one of my two best friends. I had lashed out at her in my anger. I was becoming a monster, become my father.

The very idea made me want to throw up.

I tried to joke it off, "Scared the hell out, huh? Maybe she won't complain about church this Sunday."

Neither of us laughed.

Bella wrapped her arms around me and said very quietly, "You hurt Edward."

I wanted to say I didn't care, because he doesn't either, but we would both know what a lie that is.

Instead, I whispered, "How?"

She sighed, "He's been with you every single day. Those days we weren't allowed to come see you, he sat outside of the room for Carlisle's entire shift just to stay updated. Yesterday when Carlisle said he couldn't come back, he got very upset and started crying."

Great!

I hurt my two best friends.

I'm such an idiot.

Only to make myself feel better I mumbled, "It's not my fault he's such a baby."

Bella glared at me, her brown eyes sparkling with fury. "Don't you dare say that, Jasper Whitlock! He's more of a family to you then when you really had family. He loves you, and you just tossed him aside."

I wailed, "What about me, Bella? Don't any of you care about me? Or more important, how about my mom? Nobody's even asked me about how I feel, not one of you. You guys don't understand!"

Bella hasn't seen her mom since she was four, and Edward's left when he was just two. They can't possibly get what it's like to loose the one thing you did so much to protect. The one family I had to love.

Bella cupped her hands on my face and demanded, "Help me understand, Jasper. Tell me what's on your mind."

I swallowed and whispered, "It's my fault she died. She was trying to protect me. It's my fault he's been hurting her for all these years."

Bella gently pointed out, "You said he's never hit her before."

I shook my head impatiently, "He didn't, but she drank herself half to death because of all the things dad was doing. He didn't start drinking until I got arrested for the first time. I was eleven, and I stole some kids shoes and set them on fire, just for fun."

I was a pretty stupid kid…

She asked me warily, "Then what happened?" I could see it in my mind, foggy with age but the memory was still there.

It always will be. "He was so upset. He told me to sit on the couch, not to move. I heard them fighting in the kitchen. He was drinking, he said such mean things."

I felt my grip on her tighten, but she didn't seem to mind. This was the first time I have ever talked about this, and the farther I got the more I could remember. Like one of those dreams you have over and over again, until every detail is clear as crystal.

"He came into the living room, still holding his bottle. I thought it was water at first, it was almost empty. He grabbed my hair and pulled me off the couch, shoving me against the wall. He raised the bottle to his lips and downed the rest, then tossed it onto the floor. He looked at me and snorted, 'Going delinquent on me, Jasper? Not if I have anything to say about it.' Then he…"

I trailed off when I saw the fear in her eyes.

I spared her, "It wasn't really that bad, actually. Nothing like recently, just a few bruises. But I had never been so scared in all of my life. Around the time I started getting into all the fights, he lost his job. That's when the drugs started. It killed mom to see the man she loves like that and hurting her only son."

She set her head against my neck and I rested my chin on top of it.

She was very emotional when she spoke, "Oh Jasper, you don't know that. Nobody knows why people become alcoholics, or drug abusers. And now that Richard is dead, we'll never know. Dad sees this all the time, parents drinking themselves to death and taking their frustrations out of the kids: the easiest target. No matter what you think, you have to believe that this isn't your fault!"

I wanted to trust her, I needed to believe that.

In a way, I knew it was true, and that she was totally right. But I also knew, deep down, that it will be some time before I can come to accept that.

I pressed my nose into her hair and breathed, "I love you, Isabella Swan."

I don't know where the sudden confession came from, but I could feel it to my very bones. Bella was my angel; she was my whole life now. She looked up at me and smiled, her beautiful brown eyes dancing. She looked so pure.

"I love you too, Jasper, more then the world."

I bent my head down and pressed my lips against hers. She pushed harder into me, opening her mouth just a little. I would have gratefully returned her fervor, but someone had entered the room and cleared their throat for attention.

Bella pulled away from me, blushing a deep scarlet when she saw it was Carlisle.

I asked, maybe too eagerly, "Time for pills already?"

He answered simply, "Someone pressed the nurse button, and they are all afraid to come into this room."

Bella lifted her hand sheepishly off of the red HELP button, turning from scarlet to crimson in her embarrassment.

"Sorry!"

Carlisle smiled, "It's okay. Your father called, he's waiting for you in the car."

She pecked my cheek, "I'll be back as soon as I can."

Hopping off of the bed she left the room, and I was left alone with Carlisle Cullen.

Just looking at Carlisle flooded me with regret and guilt. Edward looked too much like had dad…

Carlisle asked, "Do you need a pain pill already, Jasper?" I nodded a little, I hurt really badly.

He started to leave and I panicked, "Wait!"

This might be my only chance. He turned back around and patiently looked at me.

I played with the sheet between my fingers and asked, "What happens next?"

I had no family, I have nowhere to go! Would I become a foster kid? Group home? Could he or Esme adopt me, if they were willing to? I would be 16 in a few days, but I can't just live on my own.

The idea of not knowing where the next two years of my life were headed terrified me.

He pursed his lips, and after a few seconds of silence admitted, "I don't know, Jasper. I just don't know. Your caseworker has talked to everyone, but she doesn't know what happens next either. I've contacted a lawyer for you, though. As soon as you're well, you're going to talk to a judge and see what happens from there."

I frowned and set my head back on the pillow, glaring at the ceiling. At least with dad I had known what was coming at me.

Now I had no idea, and I felt very, very, small.


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