Life without her

Song I listened to while writing this: Photograph by Ed Sheeran

"Are you ok, Nayura?" that was the umpteenth time my boss had asked me the same question this week. I didn't know why. I was the same me. I doubt anything had drastically changed about myself. Well maybe it was just some coincidence that people were so concerned for me. But being asked "if I was good" by co-workers who never spoke to me was getting on my nerves. I had detested that question ever since I was a teen. I mean, no one really cares if you're ok or not. It's something that people feel they must ask you in order to satisfy their own conscience.

It had been nearly two weeks now since I had seen or heard anything about Elma.

On the way to my apartment, Kobayashi caught up with me.

"Hey Nai-san" she said, almost out of breath.

"Hi Kobayashi, what's up?"

"Um I haven't seen Elma in a while. How are things with her and yourself?"

Everything seemed to freeze at her question. The wind stopped blowing. The cars stopped driving. The earth stood still. It felt like a thousand arrows had shot me in that moment of realization. I knew Elma was gone but the blunt realization was too harsh for me to handle.

"Everything's good. Uh-um Kobayashi, I'm in a bit of a hurry. See you tomorrow!" I said while speed-walking down the pavement, hoping Kobayashi wouldn't follow me again.

I eased my pace as I neared my apartment complex. I passed the regular food trucks that Elma and I would stop to buy treats on the way from work almost every day.

"Hey there! Wouldn't you love to try our new pear and grape combo?" a sweet vendor called to me as I passed.

"Sorry not today" I waved back. Pear and grape- that was one of her favourites.

They were all pretty familiar with me and Elma since we were their regular customers. I haven't bought a snack since then. I couldn't bring myself to, because every goddamn thing reminded me of her. It was like she was everywhere. She infiltrated my world and left with no trace.

"That's not how you treat people. Life's unfair. I wish I had never fallen in love with her. Why the hell did I invite her to live with me? What's wrong with me?" I thought.

I blamed myself for most of it. I wish I could have ran to some place that didn't remind me of her. The freakin' apartment was a bust. The clothes she wore, the scent of the chairs she sat in, the bed, my room… Her scent was everywhere. The blue sweater she wore was, neatly folded in a corner on the sofa bed where she slept.

As I sat on the chair going through all the selfies we had taken on my phone at various food festivals and shows, I found myself selecting them and hitting the 'delete' icon in my photo gallery.

I turned on the television to distract myself from thoughts of her but every channel I switched reminded me of when she and I would hopelessly spend hours looking for something good to watch.

"God, even the television too!"

It was faster and felt less lonely to take public transportation to work than walking, something she and I would do every day.

I went to work feeling deadbeat for the last 2 weeks because I barely got any rest in the night. The only thing I could have done was toss and turn on my bed. By the time I was feeling sleepy, it was already sunrise.

I didn't feel anything though. I simply felt nothing. It was an empty feeling- like the little light inside of me was stolen, making me incapable of feeling or tasting anything.