Chapter 12: Welcome to the Jungle
Zhang Liao felt himself drifting gently along, his arms stretched out either side of him. Distantly, he heard roaring water around him, and slowly he became aware of the throbbing pain pounding all through his body. Slowly, the general opened his eyes.
Roaring white water swept all around him, forcing him down river at breakneck speed. Liao cried out, swallowing a mouthful of water as he did.
Yukinaga gasped. Pain rocked his body as he landed up against a big rock.
Looking around, he realized that he was in the middle of a shallow river, which was strewn with rocks.
"How...?" Yukinaga asked himself, but then he remembered, "HONDA YOU SMUG PRICK!" Yukinaga shouted as he stood up and hurled his gauntlets off and into the river in rage.
The Wei general felt his heavy blue armor pulling him down beneath the river, only to have the racing tide bring him to the surface again. The warrior's face was green.
Liao screamed as he rushed to meet a particularly large rock. He cracked into it with great force, spinning away with his eyes rolling back in his head. The general smashed against another rock, then another. Expletives were lost under the sound of the water. Now completely senseless, he was carried onward.
Several seconds later, his unconscious form was swept into another large rock, where it crashed into Yukinaga.
Yukinaga stumbled forward as something big nailed him in the back of the legs. Catching himself on the rocks, he groaned with pain as they cut into his hands.
Turning around, he fully expected to see something like a small boulder. But instead, to his shock, he noticed a man on the ground. He looked extremely familiar.
"It is the lord of that ambush party!" Yukinaga gasped after he spun the heavy man face up.
Wondering what to do next, he instinctively reached for his swords, only to discover that they were missing.
"My grandfather's mother's step-uncle's swords!" Yukniaga lamented.
Then he looked back down at the man, what had his name been?
No weapons on him either, and that was a relief.
It was several minutes before the Wei general stirred. Slowly, he regain consciousness, enough to realized that he was no longer adrift in the river. River? What river? . . . battle! One eye flashed open, and Liao rolled onto his back. Aching all over, and his amour waterlogged, he soon found he could do little else.
A spurt of water blew from his lips when he noticed the man standing over him. Sputtering, Liao swore, and his reflexes took over. He swung his legs out, sweeping the samurai's out from under him. "Have at you, scum!"
Yukinaga was too tired to avoid the kick, and he fell flat on his back.
Instinctively, he rolled to the side and back onto his feet.
"Fool! Had I wanted to kill you I would have done so while you were unconscious!" he shouted as he brought his hands up in a defensive stance.
Liao blinked, weighing the man's words. Recognition flashed in the general's eyes. The warrior from before. . . the bible basher. He found himself too weary to kick out again, and lay flat on his back. "There is truth in what you say," he replied reluctantly. A thought struck him. "Why do I still live?"
Yukinaga considered that for a moment, "I do not know, earless one. I could not bring myself to kill you, not yet. We are both lost and without weapons or supplies. It would be best if we got ourselves out of this situation together."
The reference to his missing right ear seemed to go unnoticed as Zhang Liao listened, water still draining from his ear. The words seemed logical enough to him, although they were hardly cause to trust the savage from beyond the sea. He reached down to his side as he lay on his back, his fingers seeking to unfasten his weighty breastplate. Soon free of the amour, he cast it aside and sat up.
The samurai was still standing over him, and Liao eyed him warily as he rang excess water from his mustaches. My spear. . . curses. MY HAT?! He cast about frantically. WHERE IS MY HAT?
His two most prized possessions lost, Zhang Liao pushed himself to his feet and rounded on the Japanese man. Only a fresh rush of blood from the side of his head prevented his tirade. His bandage was loose, and he knelt to retie it. He then recalled how he had ended up in the river.
"Ugh . . . So, flunky . . . how is it that you came to be in the river?"
Yukinaga decided that he would try his best to befriend the man, at least, for now.
"Let's just say that it wasn't physically possible," Yukinaga said with a slight grimace, "I had thought that you had left the battlefield after your failed ambush," Yukinaga added. Well, he HAD tried to be polite. But it WAS a failed ambush.
"Lord Cao Ren graciously gave me another opportunity to redeem myself. The Great Zhang Liao never losses twice
. . . thrice
. . . well, four times would definitely have to be my limit."
He grunted and looked away. There were trees all around the rocky riverbank, a forset obviously. That information was little help though. "I have no idea where we are. Far from our forces at any rate. Perhaps no longer even in Wei."
Yukinaga grunted his agreement, "The air is much thicker here then it was at He Fei. And the trees look much different then they did before. You are more knowledgeable of this land then I am."
Liao made a disgusted face as he pulled a thrashing fish from beneath his undergarments. As he did, something else tumbled out onto a flat rock. The small, now-wet bible the samurai had given to him earlier.
He hurled the fish back into the river and quickly snatched up the book, and avoiding Yukinaga's gaze, he stowed it away again. As he spoke again, he began to take better measure of the samurai, noting he was also unarmed. "We appear to be on the southern bank of the Yangtze. It is now certain that we are in Wu."
Yukinaga pulled his helmet off of his head and walked toward the forest. Tucking the fierce image of a snarling demon under his arm, he walked off toward the forest.
"It does us no good to sit..." Yukinaga began to say over his shoulder, when something ran into him.
Looking down, he was surprised to see a small child dressed in a loin cloth looking up at him. The child looked shocked, and Yukinaga was also surprised.
When Yukinaga reached down to touch the boy, the kid shrieked and drove a fist straight into Yukinaga's armor, knocking the wind out of him.
On the ground, Yukinaga gasped in pain.
"What the- " Liao exclaimed, looking from Yukinaga to the frightened boy. "What is such an intelligent child doing out- " The boy dashed forward and slammed a small foot into the Wei general's cabrachees.
"Uurgh! You evil little- " From a kneeling position he watched the boy as he took off into the trees. Loin cloth, dark-tanned skin. Hmm, familiar . . . ow, my poor balls.
Zhang Liao dragged himself wearily to his feet, scooping up his breatplate. "Get up, you fool!" he shouted at the samurai. "No lone child would be out here alone unless a settlement was nearby!" Without waiting, he charged after the boy.
Yukinaga stumbled back onto his feet and took off into the jungle after the larger man and the younger boy.
Running through the trees and undergrowth, Yukinaga muttered a small prayer after realizing just how much his trip down the river had hurt him.
Weezing, Yukinaga came to a halt next to the large bulk of Zhang Liao, "You...you need to slow up..." he panted. When Zhang Liao didn't reply, Yukinaga looked up to see the boy, standing atop a treeless rise. Around him stood at least twenty dark-skinned men, wearing an assortment of purple clothing, and holding fully drawn bows.
Zhang Liao nudged Yukinaga and slowly raised his hands, letting his breastplate fall.
"I believe I know where we are," he whispered shakily.
"Nanman Territory."
"Nanman? Southern Barbarians?" Yukinaga asked, "A perfect prospect! They too have not heard the good word, or else we wouldn't call them Barbarians, would we?"
Walking forward with his arms spread wide in a sign of greeting, "Hello friends! I have wonderful news..."
He got about that far before an arrow hit the helmet he had in his upraised hand. It went right through it.
Gulping silently, he shouted, "That was a good shot!" before dropping the helmet.
"I was aiming for the other eye!" the shooter called back and Yukinaga noticed that the arrow had gone through his mask's left eye slit.
Putting his arms up, he let the men surround and capture him.
Zhang Liao stepped backwards slowly, turned around-
and came face-to-face with ten more grinning savages.
"Oh, hello. I was just. . . looking for the bathroom. . ."
Liao grunted as the pole his arms and legs were tied to was hefted to the savages shoulders. Yukinaga was similarly bound. Together they were carried through the humid trees, as forest gave way to jungle.
"This is your fault, you bastard. If you hadn't tried to convert these savages. . ."
"If I had not tried to spread the Word, then I would not be doing my duty to the Lord God," Yukinaga explained, "Those who have found Him simply must express His glory to those who have not. I had no choice," Yukinaga concluded.
He grunted as one of his carriers slipped, making him swing painfully from his wrists. He would avoid rivers from now on.
Damn you Honda, he thought to himself.
"Look where His glory has gotten us," Liao snorted, twisting on his pole. "You haven't heard the stories about these. . . people. What they do to their enemies." He went quiet then, thinking of the battle he had left behind. Would Cao Ren and the others be able to hold without his might?
The two warriors were carried through the trees for over an hour before suddenly entering a large clearing. A huge clearing, with a colossal stone temple at its centre. The structure was surrounded by makeshift huts and buildings, and all around tribes people hurried about their business, some leading huge, four-legged grey beasts with saddles.
Around the camp there were large guard towers that stood twenty or so feet in the air, with archers posted on top of them.
One of the giant four legged monsters nudged one of these towers, and the whole thing toppled over and exploded.
"I knew we should have cemented those things into the ground..." one of the guards near Yukinaga muttered, "It's too bad the elephants walked over the contractors we hired to do it though..."
"Elephants?" Yukinaga asked as he stared at the huge beasts, "That would be a better mount then Mikuniguro any day."
All activity stopped in the camp and every single one of the savages stared at the two men being carried in by lashed pole. Yukinaga in his samurai armor was odd looking enough, but Zhang Liao with his curled mustaches and light blue armor looked even more out of place.
"I am Zhang Liao of Wei, you dogs! Release me immediately!"
A spearbutt cracked into the warrior's face, knocking him senseless. "Quiet."
The procession snaked its way through the maze of the village, making its way towards the temple's towering wooden gates. These opened slowly, groaning in protest as they swung inward to admit the prisoners.
Inside of the fortress sat the highest ranking leaders of the Nanman clans.
In the center sat Meng Huo, the supreme dictator of the Nanman clans and the only person in history to bind the fragile clans together. On his right sat his close friend and advisor, King Duosi, a wizened old man who had earned the title of, "Sage of Nanman." On Meng Huo's left side sat a man who was so tall, even sitting down he towered over his two colleges. This man's name was Wu Tugu, and he was in charge of the armored units of the Nanman's army.
In front of the leaders stood a roaring fire, and on either side of the fire smaller stoves were burning.
Yukinaga and the still dazed Zhang Liao were dropped onto tripods that had already been prepared for them.
Then realization dawned on Yukinaga, "What was that you said about what they did to their prisoners?" he asked.
Liao groaned. "Do you see the fire, and the stoves? What do you suppose they do to their prisoners?"
"You can't possibly mean..." Yukinaga began, but was cut off as a loud drum sounded.
Meng Huo stood up on his stubby legs, attempting to lift his own enormous bulk, "I now call this competition, open! The title for Bronze Chief will now begin!" he called in a deep voice.
Flames around the men began to flare up and the drums began to sound loudly.
A voice from the heavens seemed to resonate around, that was until Yukinaga realized it was Wu Tugu who was speaking. Breathing a sigh of relief, (he was worried that God had turned against him), and began to listen.
"Today's competition will require that both the challenger and the title's defender use an ingredient of the judges choice," Wu Tugu bellowed, "And our choice is...foreigners!"
Suddenly the crowd's attention turned to the hog-tied Yukinaga and Zhang Liao.
"In the name of God!" Yukinaga gasped.
"You cannot cook me- the Great ZHANG LIAO! Release me and I shall duel you all, you miserable- "
A passing tribesman jammed an apple into the Wei general's mouth, silencing him and causing his eyes to widen. The crowd cheered.
The drumming intensified, and a scantly-clad woman with long white hair stepped forward. She lifted her arms high and the drumming slowed again. "Contestants, take your plaaaaces!"
Two burly men wearing animal skins and belts made from bones came forward eagerly, prodding the captives with sharp utensils.
Zhu Rong, wife of Meng Huo, looked up to her obese husband. "Really, do we have to do this every time you get hungry? The amount of tourists you go through, you greedy fat bastard."
The king scratched at his bushy black beard. "But sweetheart- "
"This is the last meal you're getting until you agree to go on a diet."
Huo pounded a fist against the arm of his throne, causing the fortress to quake. Zhu Rong ignored him and turned back to the 'arena' "The first contestant will be. . . the current title holder, Chef Zhang Tu! Step forward and begin preparing the lovely blue dish!"
Despite the loud protest of Zhang Liao behind the apple that had been shoved halfway down his throat, the Nanman chief named Zhang Tu picked up Zhang Liao and dumped him, armor and all into a typical black cauldron made of cast iron.
The other chief, the challenger, began preparing a combination of meats, veggies, and an assorted rack of spices, which he was throwing into the cauldron that belonged to him.
Liao thrashed in the pot as a thick, buttery sauce was poured over him. Chef Zhang Tu ran a finger along the general's arm and drew it back to taste. "Mmmm." He began to add various ingredients, then stooped to add fuel to the fire beneath the cauldron.
Yukinaga frowned at his chief, "You fool! Try using more raw fish and rice!"
The chief looked over and frowned, "Not cool. I've trained for ten years to get to this level, so you can just shove it up your koku."
Yukinaga's mouth gaped open, "I worked hard for that income!" he protested, "But you are right, I should have abandoned my wealth long ago. Now it seems I have damned my soul to purgatory."
The chief looked up in interest, "How's that?"
Yukinaga sighed, "It's not easy for a rich man to get into heaven. Nearly impossible in fact. Unless you can fit a camel through the eye of a needle."
"Eye of a needle? Needles have eyes? What is that supposed to mean?" The chief asked as he began mixing eggs in a bowl.
Yukinaga thought for a moment, "I'm not sure actually. I've never seen a needle with an eye."
Off to the right, Liao was now neck deep in a pale, gooey broth. At this point he had begun to digest the apple that had been forced into his mouth.
"Help! I'm being stewed! Stewed!"
" 'Food is to be eaten, not conversed with'," Chef Zhang quoted, bashing Liao with a wooden spoon. The broth was heating up now, and starting to simmer. The Wei general splashed about in terror, but there was no escape. He was going to be cooked alive.
"Enough of this talk about camels," the challenger said, "They're mythical creatures anyway. It's time for you go into this pot!"
The samurai lord watched in silence as the large chief took off the lid of his cauldron and began dumping in his collections of meats and vegetables, and then walked over to grab Yukinaga and to throw him into the pot.
"Wait a minute!" Yukinaga protested, "Why is the water purple and boiling off green gas?" he asked when he looked into the cauldron.
The crowd stopped chanting and the drums came to an abrupt halt.
"Let me see that!" Meng Huo shouted as he got to his feet, his enormous girth requiring an amazing amount of strain to stand up right. He stormed over to the pot, looking into it with a look of horror.
"You got this water from the poisoned lagoon!" Meng Huo growled, "You were trying to kill us all!"
"No, my lord, never!" the challenger said quickly as he saw his chances at being named bronze chief slip away, "It's just that there are so many lagoons and ponds here, and half of them are poisoned for some reason! It's not my fault!"
"Quiet maggot!" Meng Huo shouted. He opened his mouth wide, and then his jaw moved around funny, and then the mouth just kept getting larger and larger as though he had no jaw or restrictions on how large he could make it.
"No my lord! Please!" the challenger shouted, but it was too late. With one great pounce, Meng Huo wrapped his enormous lips around the man, whole. With an enormous gulp the king of the Nanman swallowed the unfortunate contender.
Yukinaga and Liao exchanged horrified glances.
The crowd stood in silence, though this was hardly an uncommon event they had just witnessed. One of the main reasons the various tribes had untied under King Meng Huo was fear of being eaten.
Still, for those tribesmen who earned the big man's displeasure. . . well, you just don't turn your back on 600 pounds of vengeful stomach.
Zhu Rong wrinkled her nose, storming over to her husband. "That's disgusting! Haven't you ever heard of table manners?"
"I don't see a table." The king belched and wiped his mouth. "Bwraaaah! I h-ate traitors!"
The crowd cheered, and Zhang Liao tried to squirm over the rim of the cooking pot.
Chef Zhang Tu rang his hands, approaching the king nervously. ". . . Does this mean I get to keep my title. . .?"
"You ALWAYS do that!" Wu Tugu bellowed from his canopy height level, "For once I would actually like to see the END of a competition!"
"Why do we have a poisoned lagoon near our court?" King Duosi asked sagely, "For one, a number of our peasants die every week from drinking from it, and for another it serves no military purpose. Any advancing army will simply avoid the swamp, as they can see the hazy purple cloud from a mile away."
"I agree," Wu Tugu rumbled.
"Be quiet both of you!" Meng Huo growled menacingly, "I am the leader of the Nanman and you will do as I say!" Just to show what he meant, he turned and swallowed Chief Zhang Tu whole.
"Great! Now we have nothing to eat!" Zhu Rong yelled.
"What are you talking about!?' Meng Huo shot back, "Have you forgotten about the prisoners?"
"And who will prepare them?" King Duosi asked, "You ate the cooks!"
"Some of us prefer not to eat our food raw!" Zhu Rong shouted.
"Then you're all too fussy!" The king spat out one of the chefs' helmets, then jabbed a chubby finger at Zhang Liao "I call dibs on the blue one! And the other one!"
Wu Tugu rose from his seat, his head bursting through the canopy above. "Why do we even bother with this contest, if you don't care if food is cooked?"
King Duosi folded his arms. "Come to think of it, why can't your wife cook the prisoners? She is a descendant of the Goddess of Fire. Isn't she?"
Zhu Rong growled. "You'd better believe it, old man!"
"Yeah!," Meng Huo chimed in, flapping his loosened jaw. "Because if you don't. . ."
As the Nanman yelled at each other, Liao's head bobbed up and he hooked his chin over the lip of his cook pot. "You! Samurai! This might be our chance."
Yukinaga's eyes shot over to where Zhang Liao called to him, "If God wills it," he replied.
It seemed that in the hurry to eat the cooks, everybody had forgotten that they had left the Samurai warlord to his own devices.
Getting to his feet, he moved over to Zhang Liao's cook pot, and started trying to pull the water logged man out of the pot.
It wasn't all that effective. Neither could find purchase enough to heave the Wei general over the side, and he slipped back and slammed into the other side of the cauldron.
The force of his weight tipped the pot over, and sent Liao spilling forth on a tide of broth. The cauldron rolled away, and Zhang Liao rose to his knees.
Yukinaga looked around, but thankfully everybody was arguing with one another, "I think I have an idea..." he said to his blue armored companion.
"...and I'm telling you that you are going on a diet!" Zhu Rong shouted at her husband.
"After you apologize to me for calling me a tree!" Wu Tugu insisted as he glared down at Meng Huo.
"Wait a minute!" Meng Huo shouted, "Wait a minute! Where did our food go?"
"Leave it to you to think about food, even in the middle of an argument," King Duosi growled.
"He's right!" Wu Tugu realized as he looked all around him, "Every body is dressed in skimpy clothing! No fully dressed foreigners around anywhere!"
At that moment, Zhang Liao and Yukinaga rode through the collection of assembled Nanman on an elephant, sending people flying out of their way and overturning tables. Wu Tugu tried to stand in front of the elephant, but only succeeded in taking a head-butt to the chest.
After a few moments, everybody recovered from their shock.
"You let our dinner get away!" Zhu Rong shouted at her husband, fire in her eyes.
"Me!" the King of the Nanman shouted, "It wasn't me! I was about to eat them!"
"So you admit it! You were really trying to eat all of them yourself!" King Duosi shouted.
"Wait, no, that's not what I meant!" Meng Huo said trying to defend himself against the barrage of angry voices.
"No you listen to me!" Zhu Rong growled as she grabbed him by the beard, "We are seeing a doctor about this jaw thing of yours, it can't be healthy..."
In the distance, Yukinaga looked back as he heard a painful howl light up twilight from the direction of the encampment.
"I'm glad that's over with," he commented.
Liao grunted. "You're telling the broth. . ."
