CHAPTER TWELVE

What's done is done

She bit back tears for the third time today. Shekinah had let her off by the skin of her teeth. She had had a serious break down and Shekinah had taken it as remorse for what she'd done. She should have been happy; should be shouting to the heavens her thanks, but all she could do was bite further into her lip to keep from shedding another tear. She hadn't gone to class in well over a week, her teachers were worried, her grades were slipping and she wanted more than anything to return to her basic, boring, human life. She was safe there with her average father and loving sister. Had she stayed home, Nehemiah would have never been permitted to come back; her sister would still be speaking to her; there would be no voice in her mind; she would have never had the strength to attack; Andy would still be her stoic boyfriend and she would be o.k. but no, in the matter of a month she had lost everything that mattered to her; even the things and people that didn't were gone. She felt like the fetus and the people in her life the teenage girl carrying it; unwanted, unloved, a problem. Now they had aborted her and left her for dead on the steel tray in the doctor's office. How long had she felt this way but simply blocked it off? How long had it been since she could say, "They love me" without the evident "but"? She bit down hard this time and the constant flow of blood came rushing into her mouth. It was calming, but still an eerie reminder of who and what she was. She sucked on her reddened lip and tried to feel the least bit of satisfaction. Though it might have been relaxing, it was far from thirst quenching.

"You're still crying?" a sympathetic voice said from the hall.

"I thought I locked that door?" she said turning to Embry, her voice but a whisper. It wasn't a threatening hiss like she'd planned it to be, but the mere plea of a child.

"No, you didn't. why are you crying now? You're off aren't you?"

She nodded in agreement.

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm alone" she admitted. She looked away in shame, not getting the opportunity to notice the smirk on Embry's face.

"But you're not alone. You've got me! I'm here for you, sis" She said, winding the words through a string of musical notes.

She turned to the black eyed girl and smiled her old empty smile. She'd never let Embry know everything about her. Never break the poor girl's shiny view on life. Never let her know that not even in the smallest of towns or the most wholesome of cities did things still go bump in the night. She'd let her keep her innocence for now; this girl would see some day. I'll be the only one in this room to die inside so young. She thought.

"Let's do something tonight?"

"What?" she asked flatly

"There's a ritual?" she hardly wanted to face the entire student body, Zoey and Nyx all in one evening right now.

She shook her head no.

"alright, well I here the boys are having their own personal skip day. They plan on watching movies and eating junk until they puke? Beyond the puking stuff, it sounds pretty fun."

She was ready to protest but hardly had the means to explain without going into the gory details of her late night fiasco with Brae. So she nodded and Embry went into a full fledged attack on dame's closet in search of something for the occasion. As Embry ransacked through the just barely empty closet, Dame took the first shower she taken since the trial, nearly three days before. She let the water hide her tears. She let the chokingly thick fog of the bathroom fad her into nothing but the silhouette she felt like. But soon it was time she got out. She had to leave the safety of her bathroom before the all too perky Embry called the National Guard to come in and get her. She turned down the water pressure and proceeded to exit the shower when she heard it. Embry was shouting at the top of her lungs; screaming at someone. Normally Dame wasn't one to mind other people's business but there was something alluring about Embry of all people screaming at someone that drove her to turn up the water pressure, crack the door ever slightly and press her ear to the opening.

"I UNDERSTAND THAT! She's fine, god mom! It's all about her isn't it? Your precious little-"

(muffled yelling from the receiver)

"OOO, I'M SOOO SORRY! When are you going to call me and ask me about me, huh? When does your daughter get that? You remember don't you? That I'm your daughter and not her? No, of course not, it's all her all the time!" (waits for a reply. She sighs and continues to respond) "huh, I thought so. Look I'm handling it. Just, just relax alright. She's coming with me tonight… yes we're still friends!... No, No she's wasn't mad! Look I'll call you tonight alright? … Because pushing her any further will drive her over the edge; if she isn't already there. Mom, I promised everything will fall together soon enough! ... well, unlike some people I-" she turned around and faced the door that led to the bathroom.

"Dame? Dame, are you alright in there? You've been in there pretty long. Dame?"

She said frantically. Dame took a deep breath and turned off the shower water.

"Fine. I'm fine, I'm coming out now." She said a little cautiously. Who was she talking about? Dame had to know. Embry offered her the clothes she had picked out, through the opened door and dame looked at them with confusion.

"These are mine?" she asked running her fingers over the bright red t-shirt and dark denim jeans with red patterns stitch on the back pockets. The fire bright, peep toe pumps with the wedged heels lay on the floor with an entanglement of assorted necklaces, rings and bracelets.

"No, they're not. They're my roommates. I think you're about the same size. She won't miss them. I don't even think she knows she has them; they still had the tags on 'em"

"I don't think she wants me wearing her new clothes Embry."

"no, they're not new; they were in the back of our closet. She does stuff like that all the time; buy something and call it ugly as soon as she brings it home. Then she goes out and buys something else. I wear her things all the time; she doesn't care."

"are you sure?"

"of course I'm sure! Besides, she's at the ritual. Just tuck the tags and I'll return it when we get back. She'll never know you had them… just don't sweat." She said jokingly. She laughed and told Dame to hurry up.

"what's wrong with my clothes?"

"Hun, a lot of your shirts are hanging by a thread, your jeans look like you played football in them this morning on the pavement, and lost and I have yet to see an earring anywhere in that empty thing you call a closet! First thing tomorrow, I'm taking you shopping! With that body you should be ripping the runway, not your thread bare jeans!" she laughed tauntingly and dame pouted just a little. Her words stung. Dame had never really noticed how crappy her clothes were. She thought she took good care of her clothing; after all she'd had most of those shirts for well over 5 years. They were everything she had left, that reminded her she was a person before all this. She slipped on the red top; it felt like air against her torso. The shirt was snug, but she had a feeling the girl who owned it wanted it that way. The jeans weren't exactly a perfect fit. She wondered how narrow and hipless Embry's roommate was. Luckily for her, they stretched and reached past the bottom of her foot. She must be tall. She thought, being as though dame herself reached a cool 5'9" any day. She smiled at herself in the mirror as she put on the finishing touches to the assemble Embry had chosen for her. The necklace was beautiful and vaguely familiar. When it touched her bare skin where the shirt's V-neck met, she felt a tingle. It was a deep red spherical pendant. It looked expensive in an ancient, antique way. She worried that this necklace was something she shouldn't be wearing, but she didn't want to take it off.

She exited the bathroom after fixing her hair up with one of the clips in the pile of jewelry Embry had given her.

"Hot!" Embry said, smiling brilliantly, "Now, let's get going."

"Is anyone else coming with us?"

"Just two other girls Dame, why?"

She thought fast, "Will they tell your roommate I'm wearing her stuff?"

"They-don't-know-she-owns-them!" she said highly irritated by Dames false fear. It was better than suspecting her of ease-dropping, she guessed. She smiled at her hidden victory as Embry escorted her to the other girls dorm room.

Embry knock on the door and it opened to loud music and the frantic throwing of clothing.

"I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING OF MINE! MIRA! MIRA? Where is my cream baby doll dress top with the gold sequin neck-trim? Where is it!" a small girl, crouched over a pile of clothing yelled in the direction of the bathroom.

A laugh boomed over Paramore's, "Fences", from the lighted bathroom.

"Whatever do you mean, dearest?" an English accent replied emptily.

"Ugh, you're wearing it aren't you? You are! You are! I knew it! I told you don't touch my things!" the childlike voice echoed from the petite figure who now stood with her arms crossed and her feet in a fighting stance.

"well, I simply believe that when you don't follow your own rules, they are official null and void!" the English accent replied matter-of-factly.

"I do too!"

"Yes, sure you do. When I found my black 'I say I worked hard for that promotion; but in fact I screwed your boss to get it' skirt, tuck messily into your dirty clothes basket, you were definitely following the 'don't touch other peoples things' rule!"

"I needed it!"

"Yes, and I need your top tonight! It goes with my gold leggings!"

The petite girl made a gagging sound at Embry and replies, "those ridiculous, metallic things you got from Rue21? Ugh, those things are hideous!"

"Not with your top!"

"Let's see it then. If we approve, then I will rescind my demand."

"Deal!"

The girl opened the bathroom door, but didn't quite exit. Instead she began applying her lip gloss, making a pouty expression in the mirror.

Finally she glides out of the bathroom with a strut that could make Naomi Campbell feel a little insecure. she was a vision in gold; making dame feel a little inferior in her fire red outfit. The only thing that kept dame from believing she was made of the stuff was the soft cream color that dominated the top.

The petite girl sighed and rolled her eyes, "fine, I rescind."

"Smashing! I told you I can make anything fabulous; even a clear crime on fashion such as these!" she said twirling her legs to give her audience a better look. "now as for you my dear." She said gesturing toward the petite girl.

She was getting ready for another clothes pile ransack, when she stopped and looked directly at dame.

"Oh, hi! I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Lalani and this is my roommate Anyamire. You can call me LaLa and her Mira."

"She can't call me anything!" Mira retorted.

"Mira, be nice"

"You can be nice to a psycho, but I'm not. Poor boy! She nearly killed him! And to think the wench got off!" she said, as if dame weren't sitting right there. And she wasn't. she'd bolted from the room the moment she heard Mira call her a psycho. How could she possibly ever think anyone had gotten over it?

She threw herself onto her bed and wrench tears that created an ocean on her pillow. Embry sat at the door looking a little confused. As if she weren't sure what a friend should do in this situation.

"Uh, dame? Look, Mira's just… well to put it in her words, a 'bloody bastard'" she said in a horrible English accent. Dame was no longer up for the charade of acting as if she didn't care.

"do they all talk like that? About me I mean? They all do it don't they?" she said in a small voice

"Not me… and not LaLa. She doesn't like talking about people. She thinks it's bad Karma or something. You know what screw Mira; we'll go to the party ourselves!"

"Party?" dame looked down at her outfit and felt extremely naïve. who goes to a movie night in heels? She thought, combing her fingers through her hair to find the clips she'd place to hold it all back. She found one and pulled it down the long strands of hair in hast. When she got to the very length of her hair she found the pendant, tangles amongst some of the silver streaks. She let go of the clip and pressed the ball pendent into her palm. No longer a mere tingle, it felt like fire against her skin; searing into her hand. "Mine" she whispered under her breath. She ran her fingers of the smooth surface until she felt a crease. She dug her nail into it, trying to open it. I can't open it. she thought.

She looked up at Embry who had stopped talking and was now staring at the pendant with clear anticipation.

"Party?" dame repeated. Embry snapped back at looked blankly at the girl.

"Oh, uh, right, party. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Hun. I wanted it to be a surprise! I figured you needed something. I thought a party would cheer you up."

"But why would everyone have a party on the night of a ritual?"

"It's not a everyone thing!" Embry began cheerily, "it's exclusive." She continued it a discreet tone.

"Exclusive?" dame replied skeptically

"Yup, only the most elite!"

"I'm the most elite?"

"Well, no. but I am and I invited you."

"And let me guess, Isis invited you?"

Embry turned bright red, matching Dames tear stained shirt. "Well Isis, Isis gave me her invite. She's not going."

"why?"

"look, what's done is done, ok!"

Dame shrugged. She had not the energy, nor the drive to argue. "I'm not going"

"Why not?" Embry whined

"cause I don't want to see them." She said nodding toward the door.

"who"

"Anyone!"

she returned to her flooded pillow and began to weep once again. Embry rolled her eyes and began to turn and leave when she stopped and leaned against dames shoulder and whispered into her ear.

"Brae will be there."

Dame switched her head around, barely missing embry's face. "he is?"

Embry nodded and continued, "yup and her asked me if you were going" she said excitedly.

"what did you tell him?" Dame replied with an eager tone

"that you were! Now let's get going, I don't want to be late!"

she sniffled a little and nodded her reply.

Her stomach made a neat knot at the bottom. She grabbed it as if to stop it from completing. The door to the party was only a couple feet away; this was her last chance to run before it was too late. But Embry pressed her on, nudging her ever so slightly. She whimpered under her breath as she turned the knob. She could feel the music pulsing through the door's vibrations. Before she could, it the door swung open and out popped the snooty look on Mira's face; her arms wrapped around Brae's waist. His laughter stopped abruptly as he and dame made contact, as Mira swung him directly into her. She lost her balance and the both of them went tumbling to the ground. Dames' hip made a satisfying thump and brae quickly followed on top of her.

"GET OFF OF ME!" she yelled more hurt in her voice than expected; not from the fall but from the sight of Brae and Mira so close. She choked back tears as he shuffled off of her murmuring apologies. Went she was completely free she bolted in the opposite direction of the party and down the hill. Tears poured from her eyes, blurring her vision, and fogging her mind to incoherence. Something grabbed her arm and she swung out of reflex.

"get away from me! Just let go! I want to go home! I want to go home!" she yelled until her voice crack and with it her whole body. She slinked to the ground, feeling the weight of the world, she never chose, on her shoulders.

"calm down." The voice cooed. He wrapped his arms around her, attempting to stop her from shaking uncontrollably.

"Why should I? Everyone here hates me! Everyone! I can't even hold myself together long enough to go to a fucking party." She screamed

"but I don't hate you?"

"no, you want to screw me! Just like you want to bang Mira. What? You get bored waiting around for me, so you went after Mira? Didn't know she was so easy." She said cruelly. With one easy thrust, he pushed her back to the ground and stepped away.

"WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, HUH?" his voice echoed and boomed down the hill. She looked shockingly at him. He shook his head and continued. "I liked you a lot! But you kept pushing me away. So I waited; I was patient and you finally let your guard down. We spend the whole damn day together; I tell you everything you want to know about me; I thought, I thought that you were- you smiled. You were smiling!" he smiled a little; staring into the distance as if to hold on to that moment, "I wanted to be with you! But not like that. Not until you were- God, why do you think I would ever do that. That's the exact reason I didn't go up to your dorm with you; because you were vulnerable. You were hurting and I DIDN'T want to take advantage of you. Why do you generalize everyone in your life? I'm through! You want to be a bitch, be one!"

She flinched at his every word; letting them soak in and burn out her insides. She had no tears left. She felt weightless and non-existent. How could she had ever thought that about brae. Brae, who had been nothing but calming and sweet. She wondered if the feelings inside her were his doing.

"Stop doing that?"

He turned on his heels and swung his head around viciously.

"doing what?"

"making me feel like my insides have been ripped out! Stop!"

He rolled his eyes, had whispered softly, "that's not me" then he turned into nothing but a blur as he left her sitting there on the ground; in the mud.