Author's Note: Thank you again for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites for this story. I'm overwhelmed. You guys are awesome. I hope this lives up to your expectations.
Brennan and Benjamin stopped for ice cream on their stroll back to her apartment. As they walked, he asked, "So? What happened when you got back?"
"My friend Angela showed up just a few minutes after I got home."
"Really? Does she have ESP or something?"
She looked at him sharply. "I'm going to assume that was meant to be a joke?"
He chuckled. "Sure. So how did she know you were back?"
Brennan stopped walking and frowned. "I'm not certain. She just told me 'I have my ways.'" Brennan shook her head and began moving again. "She wanted to know where I'd been and that I was okay."
He nodded. "And Booth? Did he show up out of the blue, too?"
She shook her head. "I went to him on Sunday. We talked and it…it almost felt like it used to."
"Did something else happen? You still seem troubled."
"He just…he shared some personal information about me with his…girlfriend."
"How personal?"
"I'm not certain. She saw the picture you sent me and made a comment that alerted me to the fact that Booth had discussed with her that I'd met someone on my cruise. I was so angry that I didn't allow him to explain any further."
"Met someone?" He looked at her in surprise. "You didn't tell them I'm gay?"
She avoided his eyes. "No, I did not."
"Do they think we're…involved?"
"No, I assured them we're just friends."
"I don't understand."
"It's none of their business. First, your sexual preferences are your business. I did not feel at liberty to reveal such personal information. Second, I'm trying…I need to separate my personal and professional lives. The more they know, the harder it is to separate the two. I can assure you, I'm not going to ask you to participate in any sort of deception." She was quiet for a moment, and he regarded her skeptically. She stopped and fixed him with a piercing gaze. "Although I do have a favor to ask of you."
"Shoot."
"Would you accompany me to a benefit next weekend, please? As my escort?"
"That sounds like…a fake date."
She nodded, dropping her eyes. "I understand."
"Wait, Temperance." He grabbed her arm as she turned to continue walking. "Why do you need an escort?"
She looked at her shoes. "I normally attend these functions with Booth, but he will likely be bringing Hannah."
"I still don't…listen, one of the things that I liked about you from the moment we met was that you're straightforward. I feel like you have no…" he searched for the right word, "artifice. What you see is what you get."
She nodded.
"But this feels…disingenuous."
She straightened her spine. "I can assure you that I am not asking you to pretend to be my boyfriend or lover or…whatever the appropriate word would be. I am asking you, as a friend, to accompany me to this function so that I will have someone with whom I can converse and dance and…" she trailed off.
"Hey," his voice softened. "I'm sorry. I just…" he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. Of course I'll go with you. This is…I didn't mean to accuse you of anything."
She quirked an eyebrow in his direction.
He drew in a deep breath. "I spent most of high school dating girls and pretending to be interested in them. I didn't 'come out of the closet' until college, and even then…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've already spent too much of my life lying about who and what I am." He stopped and looked her in the eye. "Nothing good ever comes from lying to the people you care about."
She smiled at him. "I am not asking you to lie. You are welcome to make an announcement of your homosexuality if you so desire. I would just like not to be alone."
"I can help you with that. Is this function black tie?"
"Yes."
They walked in comfortable silence for a several blocks. "Hey, has it occurred to you…" he trailed off, looking uncomfortable.
She stopped. "Has what occurred to me?"
He rocked back and forth on his heels, biting his bottom lip. "Well, just to play devil's advocate here…you're angry with him for sharing your personal crisis with his girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"Well, is that qualitatively different from what you've shared with me?"
"I—" she began, but stopped. Her brow furrowed. "I don't—do you think I have betrayed him by talking to you?"
"No, I don't. I think you confided in a friend because you needed some perspective. But…do you think that he was doing the same thing when he talked to Hannah?" He took half a step backward and put up his hands, palms facing outward. "I'm not saying he didn't cross a line, but…I wonder if maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt."
"You think it's hypocritical of me to discuss him with you but also to be angry that he discussed me with Hannah."
"I'm not saying that. I'm not making any sort of judgment. I'm just saying…try to see it from his perspective. We haven't known each other for very long, and I don't know him at all, but…I can imagine that it's very painful for you to see them together. Anger is easier, simpler than sadness."
She scoffed. "I don't put much stock in psychology."
He raised his eyebrows and smiled. "So you've said. But from what you've told me about him, he cares about you very much. He's extremely protective of you. Regardless of whether or not he still has romantic feelings for you, you and I both know that he was probably going crazy while you were gone, especially since you yelled at him just before you took off. I'll bet he was pretty frantic. Is it so surprising that he would look to his girlfriend for support? Who else would he go to?"
She looked deflated. "Your argument has merit."
"Hey, no argument. Just a different perspective," he said as they arrived at her building. He eyed her critically, "Hey. How's about I give you a rain check on that drink?"
"What?"
"I think I'm gonna head on to Victoria's. Would you like to have lunch tomorrow? I'm meeting my client at 11, but I should be finished by about one. I'll give you a call?"
Distractedly, she nodded. "That will be fine. I'll…I'll talk to you tomorrow."
oOo
When they finished eating, Booth walked Cam to her car and then headed for his SUV. When he got home, he just sat in the driver's seat for several minutes, trying to decide what to do.
Losing himself in a bottle of scotch was tempting, but he needed a clear head to figure this out.
And so, despite his exhaustion, he began walking. As the pavement passed under his feet, he replayed everything in his mind, trying to make sense of everything, and figure out how he'd gotten here.
He couldn't believe how easily he had betrayed Bones' trust. He'd been so wrapped up in his own worry and frustration and guilt that it hadn't even occurred to him that he was revealing information that she'd shared with him in confidence.
Not to mention the months he spent before that, deliberately blinding himself to her.
He stopped at a street corner, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to erase the memory of her face this afternoon, so cold and distant. He couldn't remember ever being on the receiving end of that particular look, even in the beginning of their partnership. Today she'd been looking through him.
Cam's words played on loop in his head, But you know what's worse than admitting that you used somebody? Continuing to use them just so you don't have to face that you messed up…you need to think about what you really want.
Had he used Hannah? It hadn't started that way. In Afghanistan, they were just having a good time. It began as a fling, and regardless of what he'd told Bones about the relationship when he came back—serious as a heart attack—it really wasn't.
At least not until she came to DC. To be honest, he hadn't even known when they'd see one another again. She had told him she loved being a war correspondent, and she couldn't see herself settling down stateside in the foreseeable future. Things had been…vague between them when they'd parted. At best his statement to Bones had been an exaggeration, at worst it was just an outright lie.
He wasn't really sure why he'd said that to her. To prove to her that someone actually wanted him? To reassure her that he wasn't mooning over her anymore? Some part of him had been afraid that if she saw that his feelings for her hadn't changed, she might check out of his life completely.
This thought gave him pause. Wait, your feelings for her hadn't changed? This was the first time he'd actually admitted that, without equivocation, even in his own head. Shit. No wonder things are so fucked up. You can't even face this in the privacy of your own mind.
Which brought him back to the question of whether he was using Hannah. He liked Hannah, even loved her—didn't he? But when it came down to it, she was a distraction—a buffer, Cam had called it. And proof that he wasn't completely worthless and unlovable.
So where did that leave him? In love with his partner who no longer trusted him and living with a woman he cared about, but didn't see a future with. He stopped and dropped onto a bench.
Well, he had at least a couple of days to figure out how to handle Hannah, because this wasn't a conversation he was willing to have over the phone. They usually didn't talk much when she was on assignment anyway. But Bones…
He'd finally owned up to the fact that his feelings for her hadn't changed. He was still in love with her. He wasn't sure what her feelings for him were, especially given his recent betrayal.
He wasn't sure what the hell to do. Obviously, attempting to move on and find happiness was not going to happen as long as she was in his life. Which meant he had a decision to make. Either deal with the fact that he might never have her as more than a partner and friend and learn to live with that. Just that.
Or.
Or he could leave.
He could put in for a transfer to Philly or New York and still be close enough to Parker to see him as often as he did now. Maybe…maybe if he actually left her behind for good, he'd break the thrall in which she held him.
He felt physically ill at the thought.
He gulped a breath of cool air to fight back the nausea. Could he actually do that? Could he just leave?
What would happen to her if he did?
What would happen to him if he didn't?
He shook his head. This is what Bones would call jumping to conclusions. He didn't have all the facts yet. He needed to talk to her.
But not tonight. Tonight everything was too fresh and too raw and…confusing.
Pushing up from the bench, he realized he'd been wandering aimlessly. He considered hailing a cab back to his apartment, but figured the additional walking might help exhaust him enough that he could actually get some sleep. And so he trudged.
As he climbed the steps to his apartment, he felt a measure of peace. He'd finally sorted through his feelings about Hannah. He cared about her. He'd miss her when she was gone, but compared to the ache he felt without Bones it was insignificant.
It was time to stop hiding behind his relationship with her. As he reached his front door, he was hit by a realization. It couldn't be a coincidence that since Bones' departure, Hannah had been out of town on assignment almost half of the time. Until a few weeks ago, she worked almost exclusively in DC, complaining about all the hours she spent in the White House Press Room and roaming the halls of the Capital Building, lamenting the lack of travel opportunities. The fact that he hadn't even noticed until now spoke volumes about their relationship.
He shook his head as he unlocked the door. It seemed likely that this relationship was dissolving before it even had a chance to break.
He was surprised to find a light on when he came in. He called out, "Hannah?" Had she come back early?
He rounded the corner into the living room and stopped dead. Heart pounding, he croaked, "What the hell are you doing here, Bones?"
