Buahahahaha! I'm alive! Eh. Well. I kinda didn't notice NaNoWriMo until just recently, so...yeah. And I've been having the biggest ton of WRITER'S BLOCK since...since I last updated I guess.
SO. This one's where all the crazy comes flying out. Not that crazy hasn't been flying out since the beginning, but I think my brain finally went and searched out THE craziest parts and yeah. Here we go. Hope you enjoy it?
This chapter has not been edited for mistakes, so if you'd like to point out anything I'm game. I'm working on the next one already but we'll see how it goes.
If I was wondering where the title: Konoha's number one surprising knuckleheaded ninja came from, well, I wondered no more. (Actually, I didn't, but the thought just occurred to me and then it became a why me why me choir of angst. Don't bother, it's just the Uchiha blood talking. We were born this way.)
As I dodged another hilariously awkward flying tackle, I had to resist the urge to swing my arms and yell, 'HOMEEERUNNNNN!'
Instead, completely without any baseball assistance from yours truly, a certain annoying, blindingly-orange brat went flying over the Academy fence, snagging the tip of a plank, and taking the whole thing with him.
The final 'thump' at the end was as satisfying as all those cartoons I used to watch.
I shrugged and Uchiha-coolly (because Uchiha is always better) went back to practising my kata—Konoha Academy Style, not Uchiha Control-Power-Flexible Style.
…Yes, that's the name. (Okay, so it's Power-Control-Flexible Style. Or PoCoFlex for short. Hey, that's pretty catchy.) Our clan doesn't really care for naming things.
(Or originality, but you won't catch me saying that!)
Anyway, I ignored Naruto as I had done the half dozen times he'd tried to get my attention. I wasn't sure why he wasn't using pranks, but it'd still be for naught. No, this is not Uchiha pride. This is the pride of the person who has always won the prank wars against Shisui. HAH. So even IF Naruto had resorted to his specialty, it wouldn't have worked.
No, I'm not miffed that he didn't. I'm not!
…Why would I want someone to play pranks on me?
Oh shut up, I'm going to ignore you now. Just like Naruto. Who is never going to succeed. Because he doesn't have enough hatred.
xXXx
"There is no value in killing the likes of you…Foolish little boy…If you want to kill me…curse me! Hate me! And live a long and unsightly life…Run away…run away…and cling to your pitiful life," Midori intoned in a low hiss before bursting into cackles that sent shivers down his spine.
Itachi was dangling from his tree branch, leaning so far out of it that he was almost off it to put as much distance between his insane fiancée and self as possible. If there was an Uchiha version of running away screaming, he would have executed it at once. As it was, he had to make do with keeping utterly silent and still and hoping that the she-devil would not look up and drag him into her madness.
If she did, then to hell with Uchiha honour, he'd shunshin away screaming if he had to! Kawarimi with innocent civilians! Hide behind the Hokage's chair.
Oh Kami! His Sharingan had activated from the spine-chilling not-quite Killing Intent that the girl had spilled out.
Now it was going to be seared into his brain until he died.
Damn it to the seven pits of hell and into the bowels of the Shinigami's stomach! He was going to have nightmares of this for the next few months.
xXXx
Naruto huffed as he picked himself up from amongst the de-vas-ta-tion he had caused. (It wasn't really devastation, but he liked the word. Midori-neechan had explained it to him and demonstrated it via explosive tags and then told him to multiply the 'scale' by 100. He still couldn't count up to 100, but that was so cool!) He hadn't received so much as a twitch from his for-mi-da-ble foe, but he would never give up! He was going to be Hokage and he was going to be acknowledged by people and he was going to start with Midori-neechan!
Jii-jii had come back after a while and told him he hadn't done anything wrong, some people just preferred to be left alone. But who'd want to be left alone? That didn't make sense! Jii-jii must have fogged up his ball while smoking. Nobody wanted to be alone. He must have done something to make Midori-neechan unhappy!
Naruto swiped at his face hurriedly, he wasn't going to start crying right in front of Midori-neechan! He was a big boy and brave and strong and and and…
He was going to fix it! Believe it!
Scrubbing roughly at his face, Naruto decided to go visit Teuchi-jii again for ideas. He'd already eaten for the day and wasn't gonna overspend his bud-get but Teuchi-jii had told him he could come just to talk to him and wasn't that awe-some?! (Another word he liked. Especially the way Midori-neechan had explained it. It was actually two words, and she'd told him 'awe' was the sort of face he'd made when she'd shown him that fire jutsu and the 'some' at the back meant a lot of it which was great! He'd make people feel that way about him when he was Hokage!)
xXXx
Little did the youngest Uchiha prodigy and the Nine-tails Jinchuuriki and the second-youngest Uchiha prodigy know, their little byplay was of great interest to many people.
Itachi was great at hiding for a genius-kid, but he wasn't an espionage specialist—if Midori could spot him, at least a dozen other jounin/ANBU could. Occasionally, Midori's Hyuuga classmate would wonder what the older boy was doing peeping on the Academy classes, but then he'd remember that Uchiha in general were mad, not perverted, (an opinion slightly confused by Midori's behaviour, seeing as she was both) and turn away so as not to catch it.
The Hokage himself, was confused, concerned, and cautious in turns while being constantly entertained. It was…interesting to watch the efforts Naruto-kun was going to to force Midori to acknowledge him. Although it was a constant barrage of the same thing (flinging himself bodily at her) it took some gumption to keep at it in the face of that particular wall. On the other hand, he had to give it to the girl as well for not caving in the first day after dodging thirty-seven attempts.
Thankfully, the ANBU guards had had the presence of mind to advice the kid not to follow his current object of interest all the way into her clan compound. That would have been…well, it would have been something for sure.
Speaking of said guards, most of them had taken to betting on when Midori or Naruto would give up. Surprisingly, a large majority was in favour of the kid. The Sandaime himself had had to abstain because all of them protested his ability to see the future. (Really, the imagination of kids these days…his crystal ball did not tell the future. It was simply the misfortune of the Mito-sama choosing glass as her medium for this particular sealing project.)
In any case, it didn't look like things were going to change any time soon. Midori was exceeding the boundaries of Uchiha stubbornness and going well into Senju territory. The Uchiha had always had difficulty dealing with the Uzumaki (especially the typical Uchiha genius), but this one seemed to be one of those throwbacks. Well…somewhat. The Senju really weren't that partial to throwing weapons, it was more of an Uchiha thing, with their jumbo-sized shuriken and wire-jutsu.
Was it perhaps (gasp) an improved amalgamation of the two?
…Well, it was certainly an unstable one, judging from the size of that crater. And it certainly wasn't from her paternal lineage!
…Ahem.
xXXx
Of course, not all the attention was as benign as that.
On the other hand, or rather, the underhand (hahaha…not), Shimura Danzo was making the extremely important decision of whether or not Uchiha Midori was suitable to kidnap/subvert and train into one of his ne corps. She certainly had talent in spades, and seemed rather more open-minded than the standard non-ne-brainwashed Uchiha. Her connection to both her clan and the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki could prove useful as well.
Of course, there were other considerations…
Perhaps then…a little testing of the waters was in order…
xXXx
When you are a six-year-old Uchiha hailed as the next (female) coming of whichever famous ninja, you get…well…you get kind of big-headed I guess.
It's natural. Really. I'm being honest. Of course I keep up with my training!
…Maybe not as much as I should have.
It's been all fun and games I guess I didn't realize—no. I intentionally ignored what was brewing.
Then again, what can I do? I've already resigned myself!
…Fuck.
xXXx
It had perhaps been too long since Shimura Danzo had had to worry about being discovered. Or rather, being revealed. Hiruzen and him had come to a compromise a long time ago, with his old rival turning a blind eye to the roots of his village and he being careful not to draw too much attention to them. It was a necessary compromise, one they had hashed out between them through scores of blood.
Perhaps he had been a little hasty. Danzo never did put much stock in the Uchiha clan. Except for the geniuses they produced, every single one of them was a tag waiting to explode. He had been carefully feeding their overblown pride and arrogance, watching as they grew conceited and reliant on their precious Sharingan. Even a mere generation after Uchiha Madara, the clan had fallen far from what it used to be.
It was a small advantage of all this damnable peace.
Except, it seemed, that while the clan itself could be disregarded, Danzo had not factored in the strength of their blood.
Uchiha Midori was indeed a credit to her clan. From the reports of six handpicked observers, it seemed she had displayed exceptional talent and creativity in dealing with the 'enemy' he had selected. The boy, one of his most promising recruits, had been drilled as both a frontline fighter and the more traditional assassin. He'd been the equal of an experienced chuunin, on the cusp of jounin.
He'd been specifically picked to show the girl that there were much greater forces than that of the so-called Uchiha might.
Unfortunately, he hadn't proven much except that the Uchiha were mighty.
And still crazy.
Codename: Dai had encountered the target at training field 3 at approximately 0800 hours in the morning and had acted visibly hostile and challenging. Target had taken offense as intended and accepted the invitation to combat. Dai had opened with a classic Bunshin and several exploding tags.
What happened next made Danzo reminisce about the old days, when tags had less than stellar performance and rather faulty triggering that could be taken advantage of. The old and defunct saying of never bringing tags to fight an Uchiha seemed to hold true for this one.
Somehow, someone had gotten it into their crazy minds to train the girl to target exploding tags with fireballs whenever they were thrown. Which meant activating them before the intended moment, which meant being in too close proximity for one's own safety on both sides, which meant…well, that crater in the ground and the new singed look his promising recruit was sporting. Sadly, it was not true for his opponent, being as she was such a dapper hand at kawarimi it seemed as if she'd been getting ambushed every day.
Danzo wondered if he should incorporate reaction training into the standard ne regiment. It certainly seemed useful…
But not everyone was capable of developing such fast reactions and that would waste more children than he could possibly steal. Explosive tags caused rather permanent damage even to experienced ninja after all.
(He resolutely did not recount his early days as a training dummy for one Uzumaki Mito. No. Nope. Not going there. Hashirama-sensei deserved the death he'd received a thousand fold.)
So…another attempt, then? The girl was proving more skilled than he had thought possible for even a clan-taught genius. And here he thought Itachi had set the bar, being more skilled than most chunin at the tender age of 6. (Barring the fact that they'd still been at wartime schedule, which meant the average Academy graduate/rookie genin was 8.) Just what did they feed her?
(Dango. Lots and lots of dango. That much sugar was not recommended for children. Much less a 6 year old genius Uchiha with an obsession with sharp pointy things.)
Danzo pondered a while longer, drinking his genmaicha while Codename: Dai continued to stand wiltingly in front of his desk.
Maybe another approach and a bump up for skill level.
Codename: Mai
xXXx
Midori wondered whether she should start dashing down the road of paranoia that Danzo seemed determined to pave for her. If you're wondering how she knows that she's been fighting increasingly strong members of ROOT, it's actually pretty obvious.
When she'd knocked the first one out, she'd checked his forehead protector and gotten his ID number AND pulled out his tongue to take a look at the underside. Why had she thought to do so?
…Probably because the boy who'd approached her looked very much like what she'd expected Sai to look like. Though he'd introduced himself as Dai.
Of course, once he'd done her the favour of introducing himself and arousing her suspicion, she'd done him the favour of knocking him so far from consciousness he'd have the headache for at least a week. Explosive tags against an Uchiha, and more importantly, explosive tags against her, were just asking for it.
If she'd snuck in numbing gas and smoke tags so he wouldn't see…eh.
Kunoichi have their own ways of fighting.
As she dodged Rai, she idly wondered whether this was going to lead up to something. Danzo was obviously trying to test her skill, though so far she'd managed to keep any Sharingan-use under wraps. All her opponents had yet to be older than 13 though, so it's not like she's fighting the cream of the crop.
So far, she hasn't killed any of them, though it's mostly because the watchers interfere and scoop her latest victim-opponent up before any mangling can be done.
She ducks under the swing of a tanto, steps inside the guard and lets loose a barrage of very painful palm strikes. She's not a Hyuuga, but palms have greater surface area than fists, and are less likely to drive any deeper than just under the skin without chakra. She's using chakra of course, but more to cause pain than any sort of real damage.
(She's trying to see how far it takes to make one of these ROOT children cry.)
Rai makes a sort of wheezing sound as his limbs tremble (it's not the first hit she's gotten in) and the weapon in his hand nearly slips to the ground. He retreats in a blink of an eye, kawarimi leaving her with a log that she slices into eighths with wire. She doesn't pursue because, well, obviously he's going to come to her.
He picked the fight after all.
Midori hums as she merrily cracks her knuckles.
xXXx
The older boy wobbles on the tree branch he'd escaped to, looking like he'd rather not throw himself into the fray with the she-demon again. He'd come in to test her taijutsu skills against an armed opponent (which really didn't matter as much to shinobi) but ended up testing his endurance against her ability to find the softest parts of his body and repeatedly smash them. His armpit was sore, his tailbone was aching, the back of his knee was decidedly not happy. Worse still, she'd decided to make a game out of hitting the right side of his torso, and now it was so unbelievably tender that every move made his eyes tear, let alone lift his tanto.
(Obviously he did not let them fall, he was still an agent of Ne.)
The observers have yet to interfere, so it means that his mission is incomplete. Which means…
Which means…
(Yes, he's stalling, but it hurts!)
With a silent sob, he hurls himself back onto the field.
xXXx
Itachi shudders as he watches the boy twitch under Midori's eye. His skimpy shirt had ridden up enough that it exposed the bruising on his ribs.
…It was not a pleasant sight.
Normally, when one bruises, it is a red mark that fades. Anything too hard will cause blood clots which turn the colour of purple or even black.
The boy looks like a kid's first foray into art or calligraphy. Blots of black circles overlapping each other, two terrifyingly clear handprints on top of each other, and the flesh not even swelling yet from how quick the assault was.
Incidentally, to Midori's very obvious satisfaction, his eyes are red despite not having the Sharingan.
The Uchiha heir twitches as his fiancée decides it's a good idea to act her age and poke her victim-opponent with a stick. Whimpers erupt from the poor thing's mouth as he tries to curl up in a way that does not aggravate his injuries.
…He wonders why the watchers have yet to take their foolish kid away.
(Better yet, he wonders why the heck they keep sending children to her. If there was such a thing in Konoha, he'd be filing for child abuse already. On them, not his fiancée.)
As the adults have obviously all lost their minds and nobody is going to stop this blatant impugning of human (or at least a fellow Konoha member) rights, Itachi decided that he was going to risk drawing the she-demon's wrath and rescue Rai (Or was it Kai? He'd stopped paying attention after the first three fake names).
"…Midori, stop that."
xXXx
There is a moment in their life when a child sees someone doing something great and decides that he/she is their hero.
Shisui's moment was this very one.
Itachi, his younger cousin, had decided to brave the attentions of their obviously insane female cousin in order to save the foolish boy who had had the gall (or at least been lied to by his caretakers) to challenge her to a spar so vaguely elaborated on as to exclude the all-important rule of no extensive damage/pain. Or in layman terms: NO TORTURING THE LOSER!
It was even more painful to watch than the one where the challenger had simply lobbed a handful of explosive tags at her.
The genius spared a thought to who was orchestrating this string of willing victims, but didn't really feel like delving into the sticky situation that was politics. In his time (was he getting old?), he'd also been subject to testing because the Clan had not deigned to inform the Hokage of his level.
(Which kind of peeved the old man, because he'd had allowed Shisui into Push-class only to realize his mistake after the bored trickster flooded the class with the contents of seven dismantled bathrooms, sinks, cubicles and all.)
He should probably raise some concern, because he didn't think this was quite the same. His opponents had been experienced chunin at least twice his age, not several years older. They'd also at least indicated that the spars had Hokage approval and written up the reports in front of him.
On the other hand…Midori was a lot younger than he had been.
On the other, other hand, he wasn't sure what she'd do to him if he spoiled her fun.
…Best not to find out.
Rather, Shisui decided, he'd help his cousin run interference in case his fiancée got—ohshitrun!
xXXx
Itachi was in pain.
Itachi was very much in a lot of pain.
Itachi regrets ever giving his evil cousin/demon of a fiancée his anatomy notes.
Itachi wonders if it is possible to break off the engagement because it is unlikely he will survive long enough to continue the Uchiha line. He would also like it to be known that if he dies he wants Shisui, that freaking traitor to take over his duties and marry Midori.
Chichiue? What do you mean it's too late?
Hahaue? Is there a festival right now? Why are you dressed like that?
Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. You. Are. Doomed.
Memory25
