Chapter 12 - Please, Explain
Santana laughs loudly and then steals the pizza slice back from Quinn. "Eat your own," Santana growls at her.
With a loud groan, Quinn has to stand to where the pizza boxes are on the counter. She takes two slices this time, just so she doesn't have to stand up again. "Do you want another one, Rach?" She asks while she's still up.
Rachel nods, because she's currently chewing, and mumbles a "thanks." Quinn looks at her over her shoulder and smiles. She grabs a third slice and drops it on top of hers.
"Little B, you have to finish your entire plate," Britt directs at Beth, who is holding her spoon up in the air. Her smashed carrots have been forgotten. Half of her clothes are now orange. The half-jar of strawberries puree is gone.
Santana leans over with a napkin and cleans Beth's mouth. She pries the spoon away from Beth and tries to coerce her into eating some more but she doesn't want to.
"It's okay," Qunn tells them when she sits between Beth and Rachel again. "I'll give her another bottle before she sleeps." She looks at Rachel and raises an eyebrow at the pizza platter she set in front of them so Rachel picks one up.
"Thank you," she tells her and kisses her cheek in gratitude.
Quinn is going to get used to always getting these soft, delicious kisses from Rachel. These are much better than the chocolate ones from a bag she can get at a market. When she looks up, both Santana and Britt are smirking at her. She takes a bite of her own cheese pizza, flushing, and then asks, "what?" It's rhetorical; she knows what and she doesn't really want them to reply to her. Ignoring them, she turns to Rachel and says, "you're welcome."
Rachel's been trying to hold back a giggle at the way Quinn blushed under her friends' gazes. Instead, she says, "never thought your favorite pizza would be plain cheese..." with a mocking tone of voice. Taking a bite of hers, she glances at Santana, also trying to keep from laughing.
Quinn is feeling much better now, surrounded by friends who truly care about her, her daughter, and Rachel. Her eyes still feel kind of heavy from crying, and she knows her nose is red, but she ignores all of that because these women don't care. She's safe and comfortable and loved. She pulls up one of the sleeves of the long-sleeved OSU sweater she borrowed from Santana. "Whatever, cheese is all you need on a good pizza."
"Of course, Quinn," Rachel instantly agrees. "I was just surprised, that's all."
Santana laughs and Britt says, "She has a thing for bacon on pizza, Rachel. It's just that we know you're vegetarian."
This makes Rachel drop her slice on her plate and look at Santana, "really?"
"I knew that if I got something you didn't eat Q would kill me..." She shrugs and then looks at Quinn, wanting her to agree.
"It's true," Quinn says and motions for Rachel to continue eating. "I'd kill her and then I'd go back and order something you could eat." With a smile, she finishes the current slice.
Britt asks, "are you going to eat that?" As she reaches for the slice left on the plate.
Quinn slaps her hand away, laughing, and says, "you will not do Santana's dirty work for her, B." With a disapproving shake, but a smile still gracing her lips, Quinn gives Santana her last slice and sits back. "I wasn't going to eat that anyway." She grips a napkin and rubs her fingers on it to clean them, and then reaches for the Coke can in front of her. "I'm stuffed," she downs a long gulp of the soda.
"Thanks, Q." Santana says with a wink and a smile that tells Rachel this is all familiar to them all.
Quinn ignores her and looks at Rachel, who is still eating, and so is Santana. So she takes her empty plate, Beth's half-empty plate, and Britt's and takes them to the sink. Britt's up and behind her before she even starts rinsing them.
"Q, seriously, don't even." Santana says without looking up from her food. Rachel chews silently, completely engrossed in their dynamics.
Britt hugs Quinn, wrapping arms around her waist and leaning her cheek against Quinn's shoulder, and then spins them so that she's between Quinn and the sink. "It's San's turn tonight," is what she tells her, and then lightly shoves Quinn.
"Fine," Quinn grumbles. She hates it when after she has a breakdown they treat her like she can't do anything. So, she is upset, but that doesn't mean she can't wash the dishes.
The mother picks Beth up from her high chair and says, "I'm going to go give her a bath so she can get out of these stinky clothes." They disappear and then it's only Santana, Britt, and Rachel around the kitchen table.
"She hates it when we don't let her do that," Santana supplies. "She thinks we're babying her."
"We just want her to be okay, you know?" Britt says, with a half-smile and a shrug.
Rachel nods, "I'm sure she knows that. She's a little stubborn though, isn't she?" They all look at each other and end up laughing.
"Yeah. She's the strongest person I know, Rachel." Santana tells her, seriously again.
Rachel swallows and then sips on her water.
"Me, too." Britt adds, wistfully. She stands suddenly and kisses Santana's head, "I gotta go get ready for work." The two brunettes are the only ones in the room now, and Rachel feels like Santana somehow managed to get them alone.
"I just wanted to say thanks," Santana says with a soft voice and counternance. She clears her throat and explains, "for calling me earlier and for being here for Quinn. She, uh - well, like you said. Sometimes she can be stubborn and she usually doesn't lean on me, like I wish she would." Santana shrugs hopelessly once and continues, "I mean, I'm her best friend and she still feels like she has to put up a wall. With you - she's just," Santana looks up to meet Rachel's brown eyes and whispers, "Quinn. You know? If I try to talk about this with her, she dismisses it; pretends it doesn't bother her."
Rachel doesn't really know what to say, "I -"
"You don't have to say anything. It's not personal, I know," Santana assures her. "It's just how she is. But she completely trusts you, I can see it in the way she acts with you." Santana smiles, and it's gorgeous, Rachel thinks.
"I'm glad she does," Rachel replies. "I just want to be here for her."
Santana picks at the pizza crust with the tips of her fingers and then asks, "when do you go back to New York?"
Rachel wasn't expecting the question. She didn't really want to be thinking about that, and especially not right now, when things with Quinn seem to be moving forward. "Next Monday."
They both sigh. "Damn it," Santana mutters. "Well, I know she's going to miss you like crazy."
"I'll miss her, too." Rachel admits and crosses her arms.
"But, hey," Santana says, standing up, and Rachel knows the serious talk is ending. "She'll tell you why she was so upset this morning. She just needs you to listen." Rachel nods, promising without words that she'll listen and not judge. Santana seems satisfied and smiles, "gimme your plate. I gotta get started on the dishes."
Rachel hands it over and asks, "do you need any help?" One of the pizza boxes is empty, so she closes that and places it near the trashcan; the other, she closes it and finds a spot for it in the refrigerator.
"No, I'm okay." Santana tells her. "You can wait for the Fabrays in the living room."
Rachel does as told and finds a seat on the floor. The alphabet mat is still there so she distracts herself with it again. She takes out the letters of her name and spells her name on the carpet in front of her with them. She also wants to spell out Beth's name but she already used the 'E' for her name. Pondering about it, she comes up with a solution. She uses the same 'E' and writes Beth's name on a vertical.
Holding Beth in her arms, Quinn comes into the living room. The baby's noises make Rachel turn to look and she blushes because Quinn is looking at the names with an intense gaze. Beth looks fresh. Quinn sets her down on the floor next to Rachel and says, "I'm a little jealous."
Rachel immediately feels like she has to explain herself, "I did my name first... And then... Beth's name was the only other name that fit."
Quinn laughs and leans her back on the couch. "It's okay, Rachel. Really, I think it's cute." She takes a picture from her angle on the floor and happens to capture Beth in the background too. She smiles. She thinks about something for a little while then says, "I should probably tell you sometime that my first name's Lucy."
Rachel looks at her with wide eyes. "What?" She asks in disbelief.
"I know," Quinn rolls her eyes and then gets on her belly, "It's embarrassing but that's my name. Just so you know." She looks at Rachel and winks. Then she rolls toward Beth and picks her up, holding Beth above her and making baby noises. "Mama," she stresses. Beth giggles.
It's Rachel's turn to take a picture of the scene unfolding in front of her. She's seen Quinn doing this before: trying to teach Beth to call her mom. It's adorable, but this moment calls for a picture.
When the flash goes off, Quinn looks at her. "I look like a mess," she frowns.
Rachel looks at the picture and then shakes her head, "You look perfectly fine to me." Then she gets on all fours and crawls toward the two. She looks between Quinn and Beth and both are staring at her with wide, light eyes. "You are both so adorable," she says before she can help it. She kisses the tip of Beth's nose and then Quinn's forehead.
"You're biased... About me." Quinn tries to argue. "You feel like you have to tell me that."
Rachel sits criss-cross apple sauce by Quinn's head and runs her fingers through her hair, and Quinn hands Beth the 'R' in Rachel's name. The baby studies it. "R," Rachel tells her. "As in, 'Rachel.'" She points to herself. Beth looks at the letter again and makes some undecipherable noise.
"That's right, baby." Quinn encourages. "'R,'" she repeats. Beth's on her stomach now, staring intently at her. With a hand on her chest she tells her, "Mama," and then points at Rachel, "Rachel."
Beth looks like she's concentrating really hard. And then she seems to get bored so she scoots down from sitting atop Quinn to the floor and then rolls toward a box of children's books they have here. Books with large pictures and thick pages of cardboard. Beth sits on her bottom and pulls a book out of the box with both hands. She stares at the pictures. Quinn and Rachel watch her.
"Want me to read you a story?" Rachel asks. Quinn's eyes snap to her. Beth looks, too. She looks like she could say something but only babbling comes out. Rachel takes that as a yes and scoots closer. She takes the book from Beth's hands and reads the few lines that go with the pictures, making sure Beth's still listening as she reads on. Quinn is enchanted, dying to know how the story ends. (She just really likes to listen to Rachel's voice, especially when Rachel's reading to her daughter.) It looks so natural. It seems as if they've done this many times before.
Once the story is over, Beth holds the book in her hands and stares. She opens her mouth a few times but nothing coherent comes out.
Quinn's been thinking about when it would be the best time to tell Rachel about her drama. Now seems like the perfect time. "Do you want to go talk?" She asks and Rachel's attention is pulled away from Beth's confusing language to Quinn.
She smiles, "Sure."
Quinn gets up and extends a hand for Rachel to take and be helped up. She walks back to the kitchen door and tells Santana. "Rach and I are going out on the balcony. Keep an eye on Beth, please?"
"Yeah," Santana says. "I'm almost done here."
"Thanks, S. You're the best!" Quinn chirps in her ear and pecks her chubby cheek (which makes Santana squirm in mock disgust), and then goes out of the kitchen to where Rachel is. Playing with Beth. Rachel is playing with Beth as if they're both babies. If Quinn has seen cute before, this trumps it.
With a glint of amusement in her voice, Quinn asks, "ready?"
Rachel looks up without any worries and smiles. "Yes." Then she looks at Beth and says, "excuse me, baby, I have to go talk to your mama." Softly kissing Beth's forehead, she points to Quinn when she says 'mama'. Then, stands and looks up at Quinn, who seriously just fell hard for her.
"Balcony? Like last time? There's no wine but Santana always keeps beer cold."
Rachel makes an incredulous face and then narrows her eyes at Quinn, "Are you trying to get me to sleep on the same bed as you again? Because if you are," Rachel leans closer (Quinn mirrors the action without even realizing it), looks back at Beth and then at Quinn again, and whispers, "You can just ask." Bouncing on her heels, she winks at the flushing blonde and turns toward the balcony. "Yes, beer's fine."
Quinn tries to stiffle a giggle, but she can't help it, because Rachel sometimes is really impossible. She watches Rachel disappear and goes back in the kitchen. "I'm taking two beers, okay?"
"You tryina get her to stay again?" Santana mocks as she dries the last plate.
Hazel eyes snap to the smirking Latina from within the refrigerator. She hadn't even gone back to her normal skin tone after Rachel, and now she's blushing harder. "Why does everyone keep saying that?" She pouts, takes the beers, and goes to find Rachel. She passes by Beth, now playing with the alphabet mat. Kneeling next to her, she kisses the top of Beth's head and whispers, "love you, B."
"Love you, too, Q!" Brittany says and twirls in the room. She has a duffle bag with her and her hair is up in a bun. "I gotta go to work. Tell Rachel I said bye?" Britt engulfs Quinn in a hug and drowns her in love.
"I will, Big B." Quinn assures her.
Santana appears, "do I get a hug and an 'I love you' before you leave?" She whines at Brittany, while smirking at Quinn.
"Watch Beth, S!" She tells her as she steps out into the balcony, and closes the screen door shut behind her. "Hey," she says to Rachel and hands the beer over.
They are sitting much like last time. The two white plastic chairs are side-by-side, and Quinn sits and just watches Rachel for a good minute. Patiently, Rachel sits and lets Quinn watch her; opening the bottle, taking a swig, wiping the back of her hand over her mouth, licking her lips. Then she turns toward Quinn and smiles. It's not anything but sweet and telling Quinn, 'take your time.'
"Thanks for the beer," Rachel says and lifts the sweating bottle.
Quinn says, "no worries - it's Santana's. You should thank her." She chuckles at herself and then says, more serious than before, "She's a good friend. She worries too much about me."
"They love you," Rachel says, as if it's that simple. "They care for you, so they worry."
"I wish they wouldn't. I'm fine, you know? I only have these breakdowns when... I hear about him being back in town."
Him? If Rachel were a dog, her ears would have spiked up at the word. "Him?" She asks, carefully. "Beth's father?"
Quinn shakes her head as she throws it back to drink a long, refreshing gulp. "Not her father; my father."
Rachel's mouth opens in surprise. That had not been what she was expecting. Of course she understood by now that her father hadn't been happy when he found out about the pregnancy, but she had no idea that it was this bad. So many questions jump to the front of her mind - all of them important but there's only one that bothers her. 'Did he ever hurt you.' She wants to ask it so badly, and even without knowing an answer yet, her anger is already growing.
At this point, after seeing how Quinn was in the morning, the answer to that question really doesn't matter anymore. Because yes, he did - even if not physically, Quinn has definitely been emotionally scarred.
Rachel bites her tongue because she doesn't want to make assumptions without concrete evidence. She'll wait for Quinn to elaborate it in her own time.
Quinn's hazel eyes are distant and glazed over for a long while, until she snaps out of her thoughts and says, "he has never hit me." That instantly makes Rachel relax. "But," and that worries her. She turns more so her knees are pointing toward Quinn, and she really wants to reach and hold her hand but it feels wrong somehow. The blonde looks down as she mutters, "he made me feel like the worst human being alive, Rachel." Angry - in a way Rachel has never seen before (and it honestly frightens her a little) - hazel looks up at Rachel and she continues, "He made me feel like the one mistake I made in my entire life made me a whore; a slut; unworthy of love or forgiviness or grace. And despite all the other crap he's put me through, that's what I can't get past."
Her eyes slip shut as Quinn's soft-spoken voice brokenly tells her tales of pain. The ceiling seems like the safest place to look at.
"Well, those things and the fact that he wanted me to terminate my pregnancy."
A tear starts to burn, threatening to spill. Rachel has always been an empathetic person, and maybe she's biased toward Quinn, but holy hell. And this is because she hasn't even told her the entire story.
"At first, I tried to keep it a secret from my parents because I was still on my second semester of college - I was young and scared... And not married. That goes against everything my parents believe and my church upholds and my faith teaches. Instead of supporting me when he found out, he told me to change because, despite being 'pro life,' we were going to make a visit to one of his friends' clinic - someone who he trusted, and he paid enough money to, to keep quiet about it all. And he said that nobody ever had to find out. He was so ashamed of me."
Rachel dries the tear because if anyone has the right to cry here, it's Quinn.
"The perfect daughter turns into the most hated person in his life. And don't get me wrong! I'm definitely pro-choice; all the way! But I wanted to keep Beth. I had already made my decision to stick to it. I could never go through with it and live with myself. But he dragged me there the Monday morning after he found out. Had it not been for Santana calling Beth's dad, my father would have made me... Get rid of her."
"I'm so sorry, Quinn. I had no idea..." Rachel reaches across the distance and grabs Quinn's closest hand with both of hers.
"Her father, Noah, showed up there and blocked my father from passing. My father had a good grip on my arm and he went into rage mode, flailing me around - and almost hurting me - when Noah got too close. So Puck punched him." Rachel recognizes the name now. She doesn't know how it hadn't clicked before: Beth Fabray Puckerman. At the bank, when they first met, Quinn had said that is Beth's name. Except a few things still don't add up. Like for example, what happened between her and Noah after everything because on Tuesday, she overheard Santana telling Britt that 'she wasn't sure how much Rachel knew,' and that Santana and Noah were the really close friends. Which implies that Quinn and Noah aren't. But why? And where is he?
Quinn barely smiles at the memory of Puck punching her father. "So Noah took me in for a while, because I didn't want to be around him." She sighs and thinks about her mother right now, probably doing whatever it is Russell is asking of her.
"Eventually, my mother turned around and decided to support me, for once. Two weeks after I left, she came after me and said she told him to leave, but now I'm not so sure she wouldn't take him back. I mean, she knows he wanted me to basically kill my daughter. My perfect, most precious thing. And then when I got home this morning and saw him holding her? All I could think of was her safety. I don't know what he's capable of." Quinn doesn't let go of Rachel's hold but runs her fabric-covered shoulder over her upper lip. "Sometimes I hear he's in town, and that freaks me out - but... Today was the scariest I've ever felt. He was in my home, with my daughter. And my mother - I can't believe she let him hold her."
Completely forgetting about the Noah of it all, Rachel tells Quinn, "I know that was scary, but she's safe now, huh? She's with Santana right behind the balcony door and you're right here with me."
Quinn sniffles and tries to release Rachel's hands now, but Rachel tightens her hold. "You don't think my breakdown was stupid?" Quinn's voice comes out weak and in this moment Rachel can only seem to think of her as a fragile little lamb; looking lost and vulnerable.
The question snaps something in her, and she shakes her head viciously, to try to get Quinn to feel it too. "No! Definitely not stupid. You're not stupid at all. Come here," she pulls on Quinn and then she throws her arms around the shaky mother. Whispering, she tries to soothe Quinn, "you're so strong for always sticking up for Beth. I don't think it's stupid at all."
There is no way Quinn will ever get used to the feeling of being in Rachel's arms.
"I grew up with Noah Puckerman," Rachel finds herself saying. Quinn makes a confused noise and backs away a little, sniffling and through raggedy breaths, to look into Rachel's eyes while she says this. Rachel's lips tilt into a smile and Quinn irks an eyebrow. "We went to temple together. I haven't heard from him in a long time and I had... No idea. I only made the connection now."
"Wow," Quinn muses.
"I know. Little Noah Puckerman," Rachel says with a glint of mischievousness. "I can see why you'd fall for his charm. When I was a kid, I totally had a crush on his badboy attitude. He was always a badass." She chuckles and Quinn laughs along. "I got in trouble so many times with my fathers because of him."
"How come you guys stopped talking?" Quinn asks, leaning back on the chair, but still holding onto Rachel. It feels good to move on from the harder part of this conversation to a topic she finds interesting. No, she's not in love with him, but she holds him dear to her heart.
Rachel shrugs because she really can't explain what happened. "I think it was around the time we both started high school. We went to different high schools and he was cool and I was not..." she trails off. "Then I went off to New York for college and we never really spoke again. I'd actually like to know how he is."
Quinn knows. She saw him this morning. "He's pretty good. I... Saw him this morning, before meeting Sam. I ran into him, actually. He's back in town from OSU and he's been asking me to come see Beth."
"Really? Why haven't you let him?" Rachel asks, distracted by the way Quinn started to run her thumb over the back of her hand. She feels like she should be the one doing the simple gesture, but she really likes the feeling so she doesn't do anything to change that.
"I didn't want to confuse Beth. I told him about... Well, you. And asked him for a little time, but now you know everything, and he knows of you. And Beth really misses him."
Rachel's heart wrenches. "Do you miss him?"
"I do," Quinn says, honestly. She sighs and then explains. "I adore Puck. He is a wonderful father to Beth. I just, don't love him. I don't think I ever did. He was a friend from high school and we ended up at OSU together. It was familiar, you know? So one day, I let him get past second base. I may or may not have been drunk, but I knew what I was doing. He was - is, I think. He is in love with me. So it's a little awkward between us right now. He wants to be around, and he supports Beth and he works back in Columbus so he sends us money. But, I feel like it would be wrong if I always kept him around because I know of his feelings for me and give him a fake illusion that the three of us are a family."
Woah, Rachel thinks. That's a lot to take in - poor Noah. Poor Quinn. There is not a single soul in this story who seems to have it all. "He's an amazing guy," Rachel feels like she has to contribute.
"I know." Quinn admits. "And I wish I could love him and marry him like he wanted me to, but I just couldn't. He also was very mad at me when I moved back in with my mother. He worried about what'd happen if Russell came back..." Quinn realizes that Puck might have had a point. "I guess I always hoped he wouldn't, or that if he had, she wouldn't have let him..." With a quick shake of her head, making her blonde hair sway, she tells Rachel, "I made him go back to OSU. Well, I didn't make him. But I convinced him. He didn't want to at all, but it's what's best for everyone you know?"
"Right, he needs to make a man of himself, for Beth." Rachel supplies and gets a nod from Quinn.
"Yeah. And I don't want him to eventually resent me if I had kept him from the college experience because he was stuck with a wife who doesn't love him. And the distance is good for us. We are much better friends now because we miss each other. I know it's hard for both him and Beth but it's what needs to happen for her future, and his too. For his happiness."
"When is he coming to see Beth?"
"I'm sure that by now Santana has told him what happened and he's waiting for me to call him or something. So probably sometime tomorrow."
Rachel frowns, even though she doesn't want to, because tomorrow is their date, but this is more important. She has to ask, though, "we still get our date?" And as selfish as it sounds, she knows it's also important for her to take Quinn out anyway. She needs this.
Quinn looks up and sees Rachel looking down, worry marring her features. With a shy smile and soft-spoken voice, Quinn tells her, "of course. I want to. Plus, that way Puck gets to spend the day with Beth. It'll be perfect."
Rachel thinks for a bit then says, "I'm glad you had Puck."
Quinn agrees, "me, too." But she's also extremely glad she has Rachel now.
