One week later:
Dean's plan to grab Sam and leave Tucson had hit a roadblock. It turned out that Sam was actually happy living in Tucson and was enjoying building solar girds and planning to farm. He also refused to believe that Erica and Gayle were witches who were holding him in an evil, yet sexy, thrall. Sam had even had the gall to claim that he, Dean Winchester, Sex Machine, was "just jealous the girls like me for a change, Dean". Umpossible!
To make matters worse, Melissa hadn't been kidding about the chore roster. They genuinely expected him to clean up after the cow and maintain the privies. Dean had taken various forms of petty revenge, but that had backfired. Last night's meeting had featured one Dean Winchester getting raked over the coals. They'd even had a list. Geez, you leave one bag of flaming cow pies on Todd's porch and they treat you like an axe murderer.
Sam, that traitor, hadn't had his back. He'd even said, "Well if it wasn't you who peed in the pool, who was it?"
Dean decided to lay off the pie filling and resume the search for survivors. If Sam could find two hot women without even trying, there must be more out there. Hot women, lonely women, women waiting for a handsome devil like himself to come along.
As he packed some supplies into the Impala, he heard a familiar voice growl, "You! I should have known it. You Winchesters are like cockroaches. Nothing can kill you."
Dean turned around. Somehow he wasn't surprised to see the King of Hell standing behind him. Of course Crowley was still was alive. It was bad enough that he was striking out with all the chicks while Sam was getting lucky. Fate just had to add an evil sarcastic cherry to the turd sundae of his life.
Crowley gave Dean a once over. "I see there's more of you to love, eh Squirrel," he said. "Been hitting the pie bar have we?"
Dean ignored that remark. He wasn't sure if he should gank Crowley, make a deal with him or both.
"If Squirrel is here, Moose must be nearby," Crowley said, looking around the cul-de-sac. "Where is Winchester Jumbo?"
Dean gave an involuntary glance towards Gayle and Erica's house. Crowley, astute as ever, looked at Dean in shock and said, "Moose? Both of them? And they're not dead yet?"
All Dean could do was nod.
Crowley raised his eyes to the heavens and cried, "This bloody world make no sense!"
Dean couldn't help but agree with him. However, Dean couldn't let Crowley live to rebuild hell. He pulled out his favorite demon ganking knife.
Crowley saw the knife and made a fatal mistake. Instead of immediately teleporting to safety, he paused to make a witty bon mot. Before he could speak, he was slammed into the ground by a familiar looking angel falling at terminal velocity. The angel's sword ran through several of Crowley's vital organs, skewering him like a kabob. A brief light shone out of Crowley's eyes before dimming forever.
Cas stood up, pulled a bottle out of his coat, and said, "Hiya Dean, want a little drinkypoo?" before chugging the bottle's contents and falling down on top of Crowley's corpse.
Before Dean could react, Phil came running out of his house.
"Um," Dean said, desperately trying to think of a cover story that Phil would buy. "Uh, Phil, this isn't what it looks like."
"Really," Phil said. "It looks like an angel of the lord just skewered the King of Hell like a kabob. My Uncle Rufus told me all about Crowley and the angels", Phil said in response to Dean's incredulous stare. "I assume that's Castiel?"
Dean stared at Phil in shock for a moment, and then said, "Rufus Turner? He was you're uncle?"
"Yes, he was. I used to help him out from time to time before I joined the service," Phil said. Phil looked at Crowley's rapidly cooling body. "We need to get him out of here before the others wake up. Here, put him in my pickup truck. I'll dump the body before anyone else wakes up."
Dean chucked Crowley's remains into the truck and covered them with a tarp. Phil got into the truck and drove off towards the desert.
Meanwhile, Cas managed to stagger to his feet. Dean felt a growing sense of irritation. Cas obviously hadn't been killed by Metatron. Why hadn't he answered Dean's prayers? If Cas had shown up sooner, Dean could have found his baby brother before he'd fallen into Erica and Gayle's clutches.
Grabbing the angel by the booze-stained lapels of his trench coat, Dean yelled, "Where the hell have you been for the last two years?"
"I was busy, Dean. We had seven billion souls arriving at once. Do you have any idea how much paperwork that created?" Cas snapped. "I didn't have time to visit you."
"You had plenty of time to tie a load on," Dean said.
"I was under a lot of stress. Alcohol is my way of coping. You know that," Cas said. "You sound just like Aziraphale." Cas saw the half-loaded Impala. "Hey, road trip. Let's go to the wine country." He pulled another bottle out of his coat and collapsed into the back seat.
Sam had heard the commotion and went out to investigate. Cas gave him a drunken salute and continued chugging down tequila.
"Hi Cas," Sam said. Turning to Dean, he said, "What's going on? Where'd Cas come from?" He noticed the supplies in the trunk. "Are you going somewhere, Dean? Is it about the pool situation?"
Dean gave him a brief rundown of the morning's events before telling Sam about his planned road trip. He gave Sam an expectant look. Surely now that Cas had rejoined them, Sam would be eager to resume life on the road.
Sam looked at the Impala, then the mansion, then at the Impala again. His choices were clear; he could either stay in Tucson and make a life for himself with his new friends, or ride around aimlessly with Mr. Pie Filling and an alcoholic angel for the foreseeable future. It was a no-brainer.
"Um Dean," he said rather sheepishly. "I think I'll stick around here for a while."
Dean let forth an anguished cry of, "Duuuuude," his voice full of betrayal.
"Dude," Sam said apologetically.
As if on cue, Gayle and Erica leaned out of their bedroom window and called out to Sam.
Dean looked up at the two women waiting for his baby brother to join them. Staying behind for one hot chick was a betrayal of their brotherhood, but two hot chicks? That was every man's dream. Who was he to stand in the way? It would be a gross violation of the Bro Code. Dean gave Sam his best smirk and said, "Dude".
"Dude," Sam agreed.
Dean got in the driver's seat. "See ya later Sammy. We'll be back in time for Thanksgiving," Dean said, before peeling out of the cul-de-sac in a cloud of dust.
