ZAFT of the radiance
Inside Dr. Weird's lab, somewhere in the South Jersey coast. Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold! Anime's biggest douchebag, that isn't Kyuubei! The shutter opens to reveal Lelouch Lamperouge. Geno: Shouldn't we worry that he would geass us and turn us into slaves? Lelouch: Don't worry, I wont do that. Geno: (sigh of relief) Lucky! Lelouch: I will just stomp you with my giant power suit. (Lelouch suddenly transforms into a giant black armor 15 feet tall with a large beam cannon in its right arm and puts on his Zero helmet) See? (stomps on Dr. Weird repeatedly and rockets off blowing up a nearby wall which he uses to exit the lab) Geno: Well this blows... Suzaku Kururugi and Nunally Lamperouge appear from behind the shutter.
Suzaku: Hey we're back and... (sees the destruction) oh boy. Nunnaly: Lelouch isn't doing evil again is he? If he is its! Sukazu: (interrupts Nunally) I know! The oven punishment. (mutters) sadist... Nunally: (with an evil smile and tone) What did you say?
Sukazu: I said after him, he couldn't have gone far. (mutters) I hope we get more screen time, we ARE broke after all. Lelouch: (outside the lab and nearing a city) And now for some season 2 foreboding!
Chapter 10: Enduring competition
written by Aliasoddity
Before we go to our heroes, we go to our woefully bloated in number, and underdeveloped in personality supporting cast members. In our heroes house a huge destructive party raves on. The house packed with guests, and music so loud it could be heard from across the city. Stellar: (carrying flaming torches) FIRE! If only Shinn-kun could see the lovely fire. I miss him (starts tearing up) Why did he have to go? It was fun burning things with him. Auel: Hey sting, why aren't the cops busting us like last time?
Sting: Oh I took care of it. They won't be coming, heh heh heh heh.
Across town the Beverly Hills police composed of Mappy the police chief, Blue Senturion, Mihoshi, and Kiyone are currently pummeling Shams Couza without mercy or rest. Shams: Oh dear god why are you beating me like this?
Mappy: Because we're Sonic heroes! Blue Senturion (clobbers Shams legs with his club) Suck it down! Shams: (in tears) Please have mercy! Mappy: Oh i'll give you mercy! Sargent Slaughter! A large intimidating and somewhat fat man with an army uniform and shades shows up saying: Yes sir! (Grabs Shams and pile drives him into the ground) Kiyone: That's gotta hurt... Mihoshi: WOW! This is grade A blow! But it says property of Sting Oakley, wonder what that means? Kiyone: Who cares?
Just enjoy the beating and pass me some of that drug. I got dumped and I need to numb the pain. Mihoshi: (peppy) OK! Mappy: Pass me a baggie too! Blue Senturion: I wish I could get high like that. I suppose I will have to console myself by shooting this punk in the nuts. (cocks his gun) Shams: (scared) help...
Back at the party. Sting: (smugly) Serves him right for not paying the prostitution money from last time. Auel: So you set up your friend for a crime he did not commit, knowing that the Beverly Hills police are a bunch of racist pigs that would spend all night kicking the crap out of him because he shafted you on the last party? Damn you're evil!
Suddenly there is a knock in the front door the duo opens it to discover Lalah, Red ring of death, and The Arbiter Lalah: Where's Kira? RROD: Y3Z wii need his bl00d for our dmonik rezzurection riTual. Lalah: (curiously) What?
Arbiter: He means that we require Kira Yamato's and Tails doll's assistance on something. That is not in any way dangerous to life and limb obviously. And does NOT require their deaths and blood sprinkled upon the ashes of our dark lord so that he may revive and plunge all life into darkness in any way. (sheepishly chuckles) Lalah: Actually I meant that I don't understand his speech, It makes no sense. Auel: Yeah, apparently they got shipped off to Afghanistan thanks to Beecha.
Lalah, RROD and Arbiter: AFGHANISTAN? Auel: Anyway, they will be back when their tour is over or the story arc whichever comes first. Lalah: (worried) Won't Kira get hurt? Inner Lalah: (pissed off) I'm gonna kill that fucker Beecha when he gets back! He better pray he dies there! Auel: He is Kira freaking Yamato, he survived a nuclear explosion. He will be alright trust me. Lalah: Yes, you are right. Inner Lalah: (relieved) That's my man! Arbiter: I believe we should take you on that offer my kind sir
The trio enters inside for the party RROD: teh snip3r w1ll get slamd! The r1tual cAn waet
And now the turn to our authors in their company headquarters Killdeath masters incorporated in Washington D.C. Aliasoddity along with Kyuubei are relaxing in a jacuzzi with several very attractive women. Aliasoddity: This is great! You were right about selling weaponry to any tinpot nation. The AEU can suck on it! Kyuubei: Yes, I am amazing aren't I? Hey blondie! Another martini on the rocks! And make it snappy! Blonde woman: Right away sir... (leaves to get a martini and gets slapped in the ass by Kyuubei) Kyuubei: That's a good bitch. (turns to Aliasoddity) So why did you put the a of your name in capital letters now? Aliasoddity: I got tired of having to edit the name in the writing program, so basically I'm being lazy more or less.
Without warning the building explodes in a spectacular manner leaving it in ruins. Aliasoddity dig out of the rubble and corpses of women to discover the Eva's next to them. Asuka then pops out with a warning. Asuka: Okay noobs! This is a warning!
Don't muscle in on our turf! There's only room for one evil conglomerate in the U.S! And that is Halliburton! The Eva's run off into the night while Aliasoddity and Kyuubei look on. Kyuubei: Should we call the cops? Aliasoddity: Fuck no! Those bitches want a war! We'll give em a war! (rises up from the ruins clutching his hand up high) THIS SHIT IS ON!
Carnage rules from the Spiderman Maximum carnage game begins to play and a montage begins.
Aliasoddity and Kyuubei leading a F-15 bomber fleet carpet bombs a Halliburton weapons factory destroying it and killing everyone inside it.
Asuka sends intercontinental ballistic missiles at a Killdeath exhibition destroying the stage, and killing hundreds of people.
Kyuubei pilots a giant Kyuubei shaped robot, and rampages on Halliburton office buildings disintegrating buildings with laser eyes.
Rei poisons the coffee of hundreds of Killdeath employees causing them to die of dysentery.
Killdeath fires a satellite laser on a Halliburton's investor meeting destroying the building and everything else in a three mile radius.
Halliburton sends a platoon of terminators to kill the families of Killdeath designers.
Killdeath trucks blast Spice Girls music at full blast at NERV HQ. Causing the ears of all who hear it to bleed and then their heads explode.
Dick Cheney commands hundreds of Shocker soldiers to turn into rockets and blow up Aliasoddity's neighborhood, leaving all in ruin.
Aliasoddity sends a powerful computer virus at Halliburton's mainframe causing it to detonate and destroy all the stored data.
Asuka organizes a drive by shooting at the Game stop Aliasoddity frequents, killing many employees and bystanders.
Aliasoddity kidnaps Liz Cheney and lets a group of orc sailors rape and kill her leaving the corpse at Dick Cheney's mansion.
Dick Cheney orders a million anchovy and pimento pizzas to Alias and Kyuubei's house, forcing them to pay a large bill.
Aliasoddity sends a cargo plane to dump tons of sewage and poo at Dick Cheney's limo while it was being washed.
Halliburton anti air missiles causes a group of Killdeath investors to crash and be stuck in Poughkeepsie New York for seven days leading them to go insane and requiring institutionalization.
Kyuubei use Meteor on Dick Cheney's mansion destroying it, while Alias kills all who escape with sweet ninja sword skills.
Shinji is forced to pilot a 300 foot tall Kuriboh shoe and use it to stomp on Alias hometown.
The song ends.
ZAFT of the radiance will be back after these messages
We find ourselves in a gloomy kitchen with a woman looking at two raw eggs. Woman: (points at the eggs) This is your Wii. (grabs a pan and smashes it on the eggs) This is your Wii on casual games. (Starts rampaging and breaks dishes) And this is the game industry! (rips out a faucet with her bare hands) And THIS is Nintendo's reputation among gamers (throws a grenade into the trash can, blowing it up) And THIS is the potential of the Wii! (gets a flamethrower and burns down the kitchen) AND THIS, is the eventual collapse of the economy due to there being too much of this crap! (throws the flamethrower away which explodes off camera and calms down) Any questions?
Paid for by the society for real Nintendo gamers
ZAFT of the radiance returns
Meanwhile in Beverly hills we find the party long over with the neighborhood in ruins. The time past 12:00 in the afternoon and the house of our heroes covered in the smell of vomit, booze and drugs. Sting, Auel and Stellar are cleaning up peacefully while Shams appears from the horizon, horribly battered and bloody to the point where the extended trio could only look in shock and amazement at his state. Angrily and quietly he gives Sting a piece of paper and leaves. The three visibly scared at the sight fearing for their lives. A few minutes pass and Sting reads the note in surprise. Sting: (yelling) We're being sued?
A few days later the trio find themselves at a courthouse facing Shams in a lawsuit. Auel: (afraid) NOW WHAT STING? WE"RE GOING TO JAIL! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! I CAN"T GO TO PRISION! I"LL GET RAPED FOR SURE!
Sting: (angrily grabs and shakes Auel) Shut up! Stellar: Don't worry! Stellar got the best lawyer in the state! Charlie Sheen: (appears and goes to the trio while clearly in a drunken stupor as he struggles to stay up) Hey guys! (pukes on Sting again) Sorry dude.. Sting: (sarcastically) Oh joy, oh rapture! You got us the local drunk for a lawyer. Charlie: (insulted) Aren't YOU a lawyer? (pukes on Sting) Sting: (remembering) oh yeah... Auel: (cries) Oh lord! My anal virginity! Charlie: It can't be too bad!
I mean he's just some grunt soldier. What kind of Lawyer could he afford? Then the court door opens revealing Shams Couza and his lawyer Miles Edgeworth. As the duo go to their stand, the four defendants look in terror while Auel breaks down emotionally. Charlie: (whistles impressively) Hope you don't drop the soap dude. (pukes on Sting once again) Sting: (angry) Why do you puke on me? Charlie: I dunno, Karma I guess? (pukes on Sting once more and passes out cold)
Stellar: (comforting Auel who is now in the fetal position behind the defendants stand) Don't worry Auel! The great Firo the fire lord of fire will save us! Pyro Jesus will come down and slay the evil Smokey the bear that has Shams possessed! (Auel begins to cry inconsolably) Shams: (smugly) You guys are boned.
Bailiff: This court is now in session, all rise for the honorable judge Mentor the mind taker. Mentor: Okay people lets begin, as I astound you all with my psychic powers. (telepathically lifts up a glass of water) mind taking... ooohhh... Anyway, opening arguments, now, prosecutor you go first. Miles: Thank you judge, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here because of the evil mischief of the defense. These hooligans deceived and framed my client, leading to irreparable physical and mental damage...
Charlie: OBJECTION! Mentor: Overruled. Miles: ...As well as causing valuable municipal resources to be wasted on this misunderstanding... Charlie: OBJECTION! Mentor: Overruled. Miles: …So esteemed jury I ask you to listen to your conscience, and screw these bitches for all they're worth! Charlie: OBJECTION! Mentor: (annoyed) For craps sake! We barely started! What is your problem? Charlie: Where's the steak? I hear a courthouse has really good steak. I could go for a rib eye.
Mentor: (annoyed) That's a steakhouse you drunken imbecile. Now shut up before I have you removed. Charlie: So there are hookers here? Awesome! Mentor: (annoyed) That, is a whorehouse, this is a courthouse. Charlie: Is the crack around here?
I wanna buy some. Mentor: (annoyed and angry) That's a crack house you moron! Shut up! Charlie: Well is there beer and togas? Mentor: (really angry) That's a frat house! Are you TRYING to piss me off? Charlie: Well this doesn't really look like
Run D.M.C's house! Mentor: SECURITY! (calms down as Charlie Sheen is dragged out of the courtroom) Very well, now that that is over with. Defense your openin... (looks at Sting's puke covered visage) Let's take a short recess so the defense can clean up.
Later on, at cross examination. Miles: So, police chief Mappy. How did the defendant force you take your alleged actions against my client? Mappy (nervously sweating) Uh, he, said, they, would, rape me! That's right! They would rape me if I didn't do it! That they would kick me in the shins and. Sting: (interrupts) That's fucking bullshit! I did no such thing! Mentor: Order in the court! (bangs gavel) Miles: So, Miss Mihoshi is what police chief Mappy said true? Involving the defendants assault and rape upon your group. Mihoshi: I didn't hear about that. But of course I was high at the time on cocaine that had the defendants name on it, so maybe it happened. Auel: (to himself) The first thing I'm gonna do when we end up in jail is shank Sting dead in revenge.
Sting: Miss Kiyone, isn't it true that you agreed to this to get a promotion in the force? Kiyone: (anime style sweat drop) Of course not! (smiles) That's just silly! Mihoshi: That's not true Kiyone! I heard it myself you know! You were all (imitating Kiyone) This is great! Now I can get promoted out of this shit hole department and be able to boss around that cheese shitter Mappy! I'm gonna run your ass to the top! Bwahahahaha! Kiyone: (angry and clenching her fist) Mihoshi!
(Goes ballistic and starts attacking and strangling Mihoshi while she is crying in fear)I'll cheese shit you! DIE! Mappy: She will suffer for this insult, that's for sure.
Sting: So Shams, isn't this whole mess because of revenge? Maybe because by California law African Americans can be beaten up via circumstantial evidence? Shams: (offended) I don't know what you are talking about. In fact I'm shocked you would say that. After all the Heineken's we shared together. Sting: (annoyed) That didn't happen. Shams: Yes it did! You never did hold your beer. Stellar (laughs) Lightweight! Sting: (angry) That not only is a lie, but fuck you Stellar you couldn't even handle a shot of raspberry schnapps!
While the kangaroo court was going on. Our authors and villains were along with their large private armies, facing each other off in a final climactic battle in the valley of Meggido in Israel. Kyuubei: Why are we even here?
I mean couldn't we do this in Maui? At least after we kick all your asses I could get some pina colada. Dick Cheney: (angry) Quiet fools! You have e-vily disrupted my e-vil plans for the last time! Aliasoddity: You had a plan?
Dick Cheney: Of course! It was my e-vil twelve easy step plan for bringing a thousand years of e-vil and ruin to the universe. Step 1: Take over the U.S. Government. Step:2: Orchestrate the September 11 2001 attacks on the world trade center, by using e-vil magic to pose as Osama Bin Laden. Aliasoddity: That explains so much... Dick Cheney: Indeed, Step 3: Use the war in the middle east to drive out the Muslims, letting the Jews conquer all of Israel triggering the apocalypse of legend.
Where Satan and the Anti-Christ will be awakened with my patented e-vil satanic rituals. Aliasoddity: Didn't the devil worshiping Pokemon tried that and failed? Dick Cheney: Yes, but they suck. Step 4: Serve Satan at the surface while secretly playing both sides to the battle of Armageddon. And step 5: Once the battle ends, kill the winning deity with the mythological god killing Chronos Ax of Greek legend. Taking over all of creation as its new e-vil God! Aliasoddity: Great, so you're a Geriatric Kefka Pallazo now? Dick Cheney: I taught all the e-vil he knows! He was like a son to me after all. Aliasoddity: I see, soldiers, KICK ALL THEIR ASSES! Dick Cheney: E-VIL!
All of the soldiers starts fighting each other in a bloody brawl hours pass and all of the grunts, tanks, planes and other stuff lie dead and/or broken as blood stains the soil. In the end only the authors and Dick Cheney were left standing.
Aliasoddity: HA! Its over! You lose! Dick Cheney: Oh really? Sorry, but my e-vil plan for complete global e-vil saturation will not be e-villy derailed! Aliasoddity: God! Now you're ripping off Albert Wesker? Dick Cheney: Another fine e-vil apprentice of mine. Aliasoddity: Next thing you're gonna say is that you were Palpatine's teacher in the Sith arts. Dick Cheney: Dont be silly, I was his e-vil lawyer. Kyuubei: Can we skip the banter and just get on with killing this fossil before old age does him in?
Asuka: (appears along with Shinji and Rei in their Eva units) Don't worry we'll crush this fool! The Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann theme, Sorairo days starts playing Aliasoddity I don't think so Cheney! Let's go Kyuubei!
Suddenly Kyuubei shows a drill shaped key which summons a white/pink version of Gurren and a green abd black version of Lagann which the duo mounts Alias in the Lagann, and Kyuubei in the Gurren. Which they combine via Lagann grabbing Gurren and smashing it into its head. Suddenly growing taller and stronger while launching and putting on a helmet. Alias and Kyuubei: (yelling together while the Gunmen poses) Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann! Just who the hell do you think we are?
Aliasoddity: Okay you sons of bitches! When they talk about a bad-ass author, they're referring to me! The mighty Aliasoddity! So prepare to suffer the awesome power of Gurren Lagann! Kyuubei: (embarrassed) Seriously... Now we are spoofing Kamina... Aliasoddity: Don't worry Kyuubei! Just believe in the me that believes in you!
Asuka: Charge! Show those assholes that Gurren Lagann sucks! Its peppy and hopeful viewpoints are unrealistic in today's world! Aliasoddity: You wish! Evangelion is a nonsensical piece of emo crap whose ending made less sense than Star Driver's plot! Besides, You don't see Shinji punching holes in the fabric of time and space with sheer gar alone! Asuka: You prick! Evngelion's characters are deep psychological representations of the flawed human psyche and are a realistic portrayal of how children would react in war! Aliasoddity: You wish! The only reason people still remember that show is because of you and Rei's boobs! After all you are nothing but parodist cliches at best and unoriginal and unlikable character templates at worse!
Asuka: Unoriginal? I was the original Tsunedere! All bitchy girls in anime owe their careers to me! There wouldn't even be a Kagami Hiiragi, or a Taiga Asakura if I didn't come along! Shinji: (looking on whispers) (sigh...) This is pointless, Mazinger Z was the superior mecha program... Maybe you should stop the Gurren Lagann song... (song stops) Kaworu: I prefer Gaogaigar and the other Brave series myself. Rei: MACROSS SUPERIOR, ALL OTHER MECHA INFERIOR.
Dick Cheney: Martian Successor Nadesico is better... Kyuubei: They really should watch Hyakkujyuu Go-Lion for once. Aliasoddity: Seriously, those two? Besides I saw Lucky Star, It sucks! It's basically a watered down lolified Seinfield!
And Toradora is a clearly a total rip off of Tenchi Muyo! Only in high school, and crappy, and unoriginal. Asuka: Tenchi Muyo! You watch that crap! What's next Bishoujo Sailor moon, Outlaw star, DBZ? Aliasoddity: No one insults Dragon Ball Z, or the rest of Toonami's 90's programming! Except the unnecessary Buu saga at least! Prepare to die Narutard! Asuka: How dare you insult Naruto! I'll kill you just like Sasuke killed Orochimaru! Or like 4kids killed One piece!
As the two charge into combat they get interrupted by the appearance of four Gundams, the 00 Quanta, the Zanbaya, the Harute, and the Raphael. Who land in between the two fighters. Asuka: (angrily) Who are you freaks?
Aliasoddity (in fanboy mode) Oh my god its Celestial being this is so cool!I can't believe I'm facing an armed intervention by Celestial Being! This is awesome! Lockon Stratos: We'll what do you know, a fan of ours. Allelujah Haptism: That's a surprise...
Kyuubei: We're gonna get owned and all you can think about is that? Aliasoddity: Look, everyone knows Gundam is the best mecha series ever. Asuka: Screw that, i'm gonna kill you all! Shinji, Rei lets go or i'll blow your heads up! Rei: YES.
Setsuna F. Seiei: 00 Quanta... Eliminating targets... As the Eva's charge they are skillfully dispatched with ease by Setsuna falling apart into pieces. Tieria Erde: Lets end this now! Full power! (Raphael charges up its cannon lunching its blasts at the trio blowing them away Team Rocket style into the distance.) And now (looks at Alias) Aliasoddity: Actually I was just leaving. But can I get your autographs first?
Dick Cheney: I think this is the e-vil time to e-vily escape... (puts on his Osama Bin Laden disguise and flees as fast as he can)
After all that we return to our authors new lair at the old Aperture science research center, which he bought after the destruction of his mothers house, and apparent death. Kyuubei: (sighs) We'll it was fun while it lasted. Still I'm surprised the Gundam Meisters let us go. Aliasoddity: Yeah, and I even got their autographs! Kyuubei: I wonder what happened to the Eva pilots?
Back at the courthouse we find ourselves at the verdict process. Mentor: Okay jurors, have we reached a verdict? Silver the hedgehog: Indeed we have your honor. Vector the crocodile: Find the computer room! Silver: Shut up Vector!
We find the defendant... (The Eva remains crash into the courthouse smashing into the jury killing them instantly) Mentor: Well, since the jury is dead, I supposed the case is dismissed. Court is adjourned! (bangs gavel) Shams: (shocked) What?
Miles: Too bad sir, I'll send you my bill. (walks off) As everyone leaves the three extended remain stunned at their luck. And among the rubble Rei and Shinji pop out slightly bruised, but otherwise okay. Rei: We're alive! (happily) And I have a personality again! Shinji: The collar is gone (happily) I'm free! Kaworu: What happened to Asuka? The trio find Asuka with most of her body shattered and dismembered gravely injured under rubble. Her arms and legs clearly in pieces, pinned by rubble, and drifting in and out of consciousness. Asuka: What are you doing losers? Hurry up and save me! Rei: (angry) Payback's a bitch and so am I! Shinji: (cockily) Yeah now we're in charge. Asuka: fuck!
To be continued...
