Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 12
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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AN: This chapter was greatly helped by Wolvenstrom's efforts, thanks buddy!
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Twilight tossed and turned in her bed...as thought about the revelations that had come of today, the CMC had lead Dipper and the mane Six(after they'd recovered) to the place where they'd found those odd slugs...through the Gravity Falls forest...
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"Wait!" Shouted Dipper as he held the CMC back, "Something doesn't feel right." He pulls a chicken leg out of his 'bait' stash and throws it into a shaded area in front of them...the bone was stripped clean before it hit the ground...
While the ponies stared at this in horror...Dipper was casually reading through the Journal to find out what they were dealing with. Twilight was the first to regain her composure and help him search...she paled as she saw the answer.
"What's wrong Twilight? What is it?" Asked Applebloom. Twilight tried to put a reassuring smile on her face, "Oh, nothing to worry about-
"Vashta Nerada; basically imagine invisible swarms of shadow-based insect-like life-forms, that can strip you to the bone under five seconds." Interrupted Dipper.
The CMC looked like they were about to wet themselves, while the mane six looked annoyed at Dipper. "Don't worry, according to this...apparently their no threat in small groups...he's marked the places where they congregate during the day...as long as we stay away from the places on this map and NOT come here during the night, no worries."
The slightly(but only slightly) relieved CMC continued on. Twilight looked over to Dipper and opened her mouth to protest- "Look I get your annoyed by how I handled that, but i refuse to BS kids about important things like most adults do. I vowed I would never do that, judge me if you must. But no child will EVER have to learn about sex from a hobo and three paperclips instead of from my own mouth." he vowed passionately.
The main six looked at him confused, "Hobos and paper- What in Equestria are you- "Long story, don't want to talk about it, not important anyway and we need to get moving unless you want to stay here after dark..."
The main six paled as they looked toward the supposed resting spot of the Vashta Nerada...and quickly ran after Dipper.
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After a few more brushes with the 'oddities' of gravity Falls forest- By Celestia, how could such creatures exist!? Give her hydras and Timber wolves ANY day!...still...they found IT.
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"My word, how revolting!" Shouted Rarity disgusted. Dipper just smirked as he used tongs to pick several slugs up from the bubbling waters of a crevice in the ground, "They may not look like much...but these suckers are worth more then all the jewels in your shop..."
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And so Dipper explained to them about Plasmids...about DNA...and genetic engineering...Twilight's head spun at these concepts...Pony's had never really explored deeper then organ level before...they'd never needed to...between their magic allowing them to cure most ailments(save for hundreds of rare magical afflictions that you could only get from certain places- like Everfree -curses, or bad luck) and ponies dislike of blood and guts...the idea that their bodies could be made of something SMALLER, more complex, more ...Malleable...had never occurred or indeed even been explored at ALL...
Oh, and their was also that unpleasantness that occurred as they were heading home...
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"One...two...three?" Asked a startled Fluttershy, sure enough. The fish had three eyes...the Mane six looked up river...and saw that this part of the Everfree forest seemed fairly sickly...and the water...nasty...and the toxicity seemed to be coming from a pipe...coming right from the Northwest mudflap factory...
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That was horrifying...but Twilight wasn't too worried about that...she'd already sent a message to Celestia about it and she'd responded that she'd take care of it...no...what WAS on her mind..was Dipper finally explaining the end result of his 'where do you see yourself 5 years from now' question...
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Basically...Dipper theorized that most ponies didn't have much in the way of ambition...or drive. Once they were happy...that was it, they'd never want anything else.
Dipper told of an ancient myth...of how humanity had a hole in their heart that nothing- be it riches, power, knowledge, woman, food -could fill. He didn't know if there was any truth to it...but it described humanity nicely.
"Not even friendship or love could fill it?" Asked Twilight a bit hurt. Dipper shrugged, "Who knows? Honestly, going by those impulses...or at least, taking them too far...has caused humans nothing but pain in suffering...maybe filling us up with friendship is just what the doctor ordered." He emphasizes this by giving Fluttershy a hug...who happily gives one back.
He then goes on how his point is that ponies seemed content with 'okay' or as humans say 'if it's not broke don't fix it'. But for humans...'okay' was never enough...they always wanted MORE.
"That...sounds kinda greedy...and selfish." Said Twilight in a cautious tone. Dipper shrugged, "It can be...but if you tame this impulse...don't hurt anyone and give the 'more' to others, to HELP others...would that be so bad?"
"I...guess not?" Admitted Twilight finally. And thus the Mane Six learned of 'Enlightened Self-interest'.
They talked about some other things...the plasmids, harvesting the slugs, Dipper giving Twilight books on genetics, talking about the Corrupter and artificial intelligence- believe it or not, Twilight could swallow this concept more then the genetics...really, it was just a non-magical golem...of course...no golem EVER had the intellect to calculate complex strategy in nano-seconds, repair itself, or MODIFY itself during combat...that was some next level stuff.
But Dipper had one more bombshell to drop... "One last thing to consider Twilight...can you tell me what Starswirl's law of elemental transfiguration states?"
Twilight smiled, "Of course! No one can create something out of nothing! You can Summon it if you know where it is, you can transform it, you can increase the quantity if you've already got some- but that's it!"
Dipper noded, "Okay...final question...can you tell me WHY that's true?"
Twilight opened her mouth smiling...then stopped...frowned...considered. "Uh...because Starswirl said so?" She replied weakly, it was a lame response and they both knew it.
Dipper shook his head, "would you believe that's a typical Pony response?" Twilight could do nothing but nod...
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Finally, Twilight gave up her attempts to sleep...and filled out her first 'human/pony' relations report...among Dipper musings and he thoughts on said musings, she also reported about the 'corrupter' incident...as well as what a 'corrupter' was and also about plasmids...and their implications...
Finally...she ended with...
Dearest Princess Celestia...I must say I'm concerned...I've done research...and in the thousand years that Starswirl vanished...ponies have not made any BIG leaps in ANY fields of research...sure, we've rediscovered forgotten magic...and added small little tidbits bit by bit over the years to Starswirl's work...but nothing truly original or GRAND. We'd only recently built coal powered trains...something already obsolete in the humans world...a thousand years...and almost nothing to show for it..while humans...humans went from their first airplane to LANDING ON THE MOON in just under 70 years...
..it's like..we've stagnated...I don't know what to think here...but more importantly...I don't mean to sound insulting, I love being your student, I love learning about friendship...but is this it? Is this all I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Until Dipper asked that fateful question...I was completely happy with how things were..but now...well now...What do I want? I...I Don't know...
...please advise.
Sincerely, your devoted pupil Twilight.
Twilight yawned, woke up Spike Briefly to burn her letter away to Celestia...then after a while...FINALLY succumbed to sleep...
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Twilight flew down from the sky on her Alicorn wings to her library home- "MOMMY!" Screamed two twin colt and fillies, she smiled down at them and nuzzled them affectionately...she then looks up lovingly to the front door to see her husband smile at her, lightly tipping his pine tree hat to-
Twilight gasped as she woke up with a start, her heart racing. A contemplative look on her face. "Huh...Well...that's new." she stated in a flat, neutral 'matter-of-fact' way.
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Celestia looked at Twilight's latest letter...conflicted...Twilight's theory of 'stagnation' raised many concerns(both toward the future of Equestria...and Celestia's own ability as a ruler)...but the implications of these 'AI' and genetics...were far more disconcerting.
Any problems with the AI seemed to be far off in the future(the most advanced human labs around were Preston's and even he had his limits...at least...she hoped he did...it was scary how much he had packed away into the small town on the most silliest of whims) so that wasn't too much of a worry(for now at least)...but thanks to these 'plasmids', genetic manipulation would soon be a reality NOW.
This was unsettling... oh sure. She could see the benefits; Twilight and other scholars and doctor ponies would be positively amazed at the concept. Being able to isolate diseases, problematic genomes, D.N.A evidence and positively finding family(the whole 'is Pinkie an Apple or not' might FINALLY be resolved). With research to create magic they might even be able to alter or even remove such strands far more easily then humans could do manually. Yes they can perform polymorphic magic, but now they can effect these changes on a far subtler level.
But there were dangers that concerned her, An earth pony for example can't just become a unicorn. There are temporary spells to change into non magic using species, but with this they might even be able to transplant, duplicate or alter a ponies genes to they could turn into a unicorn or use magic 'like' a unicorn would.
After all; If you suddenly had the option to be able to use magic or fly, why stay an earth pony? If your a frail little pegasus whose to weak to fly, why not trade in your wings for some powerful muscles? And what if they tried to become an alicorn?- true it be nice to have more like her around to weather the ages together...but this was too fast! Too soon! -Would they have traits of all three tribes but on a lesser scale? Would they feel incomplete if it's only cosmetic?
When people start messing with the fabric of their life on a whim...what if someone wanted to fly faster with bigger wings? Or had a beak for aerodynamics? Or scales so you didn't have to worry about washing cake out your fur (pinkie). Or bigger muscles to buck harder, or re-design your body like it was one of your dresses?
True, you can do all this with magic sure, but its temporary. Messing with your genes isn't like getting a haircut or using make-up...What if EVERY suddenly made themselves an alicorn? Had a level of power equal to her self and Luna? What if they decided since now they were all alicorns that 'they' could rule equestria? With her experience she could probably hold your own for a while. But could she fight everypony?
Celestia shook her head...there were just as many pros as there were cons in fairness...plus, since the slugs were discovered on Gravity falls forest, they and their distribution were legally in the hands of the people of Gravity Falls. Making things more problematic!
...Or it would if Dipper hadn't been the one to lay claim to it...even though Celestia still didn't feel comfortable around the only person in Equestria to hate her...she couldn't deny he had a good head on his shoulders.
EX: She'd been very worried when the mass-production of cars(which thanks to Preston's hiring of powerful unicorn mages, helped streamline the usual logistic problems. Thus making it cost-effective to sell cars at a low enough price so EVERYpony could buy one.) was spread to all across Equestria...but that had been mainly because she'd been apprehensive about all this new 'human tech'.
But even she couldn't have foreseen the fiasco that followed! Seemingly overnight, most of the Taxi Pony companies were downsized if not outright bankrupt! Hundreds of thousands of her little ponies were on the street and unemployed!
This was completely unprecedented! Equestria had never seen an unemployment rate this bad, ever! Things had gotten very tense between the taxi pony unions and the police...Celestia didn't even want to think of what could've happened if Dipper hadn't intervened- well, actually. With Twilight's letter putting things in perspective...Dipper had less 'intervened'...and more 'been forcibly shoved in front of the mess'...my word, Twilight was right. They HAD been overworking him, hadn't they?
In any case, Dipper was able to (mostly) fix everything. He'd pointed out the civil leaders and their followers that Cutie Marks can be pretty abstract. Rainbow dash's tells people she's fast, Fluttershy's tells others shes kind. Maybe the taxi ponies special talents could be applied to other jobs. Or maybe even the same job if they learn to drive. Schools were already popping up!
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STAN PINES NON-HUMAN DRIVING ACADEMY. NO THUMBS? NO PROBLEM!
"Uh, sir? Shouldn't this be attached to my seat?" Asked the pony as he held up what was 'suppose' to be his seat belt
"working seat belts cost extra! So do airbags!" Shouted Stan...
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...Yeah, that had been a mistake on her part...
But also, Dipper had pointed out that their talents are in transportation. Not just taxi's but design, engineering. New tech could allows ponies to branch out their talents in ways they've never thought of before. Or maybe like any good cabby they could be good at conversation, creating new seemingly incomprehensible languages, and so on.
Ex: Applejacks mark appeared when she wanted to go home to her family. Not because she suddenly realized her expertise in apples after all. It tells your strengths, it's up to you to know how to apply it
"Your backside doesn't tell you who you are. 'You' tell you who you are." Dipper had stated firmly...which caused a bit if a stir...as after all, cutie marks are considered very highly among ponies.
Their were still some problems, some hiccups to look forward to in the future during the transition. Fortunately Preston had agreed to hire the majority of the now unemployed pony's as uber drivers, attendants to the now hundreds of electric pump stations around the country, or working at the car assembly line.
Speaking of Preston...she and Luna had arrived at the mudflap factory. Reports of contamination had reach all the way to Ponyville...which made this a potential international incident.
She sighed, there was still more of Twilight's report...but it looks like she'd have to read it later...
"Your majesty's! You honor us with this...surprise inspection." Said Preston trying VERY hard to hide how nervous he was. Indeed, had it not been for the still greenhorn contacts in the Equestrian government he'd been grooming, he wouldn't have know to be here to intercept them at all!
Celestia looked at his presence in surprise, but shook it off. "We've gotten reports of rampant pollution cause by your business here."
"What?! Why that's preposterous! This industry has practically been the lifeblood of the town for over a century! It hasn't harmed a fly!" Suddenly one of the nearby pipes belched out some smoke that killed a fly...and a bird...and the tree it was resting in.
Preston just chuckled nervously, "Why that's unseemly! I'll have that pipe fixed at once...but just an isolated incident I assure you."
The two princesses just looked at him skeptically... "We'll see." Says Celestia blankly. Luna then turns to various royal inspectors they'd brought with them, "Right, get your hazardous energy detecting prisms ready!"
The Inspectors and do so...and are shocked to find that it's already on HIGH! Alarms beeping like crazy!" They have to double check to make sure their still OUTSIDE the factory!
Preston began to sweat, "Um...normal healthy background emissions I assume?"
Luna just gaped at him, "What?! NO! I've seen less hazardous readings in dragon country volcano's!"
Preston gulped as they went in...
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Celestia's eye's widened in disbelief, "Is that...chewing gum holding this pipe together?" "Why, I'm as shocked as you are!" Shouted Preston quickly.
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"Why is hazardous waste being used as a paperweight?!" Demanded Luna. "Oh, now That shouldn't be!" Exclaimed Preston in his best shocked voice.
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A drop from the pipes above melts through Celestia's list...they both glare at Preston. Preston's eye's dart back and forth nervously. "Um...it was like that when we bought the place! Hardly my fault if the last owner was negligent!" He defended.
Both Princesses just stare at him...
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"Excuse me Mr. Preston I have an injury- "Oh, just take a salt-tablet! You'll be fine! Get back to work!" "Mr. Preston, there's a pipe lodged in his brain!" Shouted Celestia horrified.
Preston paled, and cursed himself for letting old habits of cruelty come out at the worst time!
"oh, uh...Oh my word! So he dose, sorry my boy! The steam in here must be irritating my eyes...of course, go to the hospital, I insist! It's on me!" He personally leads him away, and when he's sure the monarchs aren't looking-
"Dock the medial expenses from his wages..plus interest." He whispered to a nearby accountant, who nodded...
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"Lethal poison means something entirely different in our world." Lied Preston skillfully
Luna points to the label again, with a smaller label reading beneath the big part of the label, which has the dictionary definition of both lethal and poison.
"...It's purpose is entirely benevolent." Said Preston quickly
She then Points to a third part of label stating 'for the spreading on all local, non northwest owned farmland in order to destroy local farming so that the boss 'Preston Northwest' can buy the land cheap and gain a monopoly over areas economy.'
Preston just stands their quietly "...lets finish this inspection in my office shall we?" he says finally.
Letting the princesses go on ahead, he glares at the factory supervisor. "Why on EARTH would you spell out my very ILLEGAL plans like that for all to see!?" He snarled at him baffled.
The man sighed, "Sir, what do you want from me? You told me only to hire druggies, drunks, hobos, drop-outs, legal immigrants, illegal immigrants, mentally-handicapped, ex-convicts, CURRENT convicts and anyone else we could get away with paying LESS then minimum wage! If we didn't spell it out like that for these morons...literally NOTHING would get done!"
Preston nods, "That's fair."
The supervisor smiles, "Really?"
Preston nods, "Yep, clean out your desk. Your fired, and expect a lawsuit of all the malpractice and negligence YOU'VE allowed here." He says dismissively as he walks away from the former stunned supervisor.
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Celestia walked with Preston and Luna into the office. "Mr. Preston let me be blunt, in all my years I've never seen a more shoddy, deplorable, poorly put together, hazardous, dilapidated-
"Why look at that!" Interrupts Preston suddenly. "Some thoughtless person has left thousands of bits lying around! I'll just leave the room and wait to see if the money vanishes..." He then leaves the room.
The two sisters look at this scene confused...
"Why would a person leaving money around his office make it necessary for him to leave in the middle of a meeting?" Asked Luna finally.
"...maybe it's a human thing?" Asked Celestia confused.
Suddenly Preston returned...disappointed. "Oh...the money is still here."
"Of course the money is still here! Why wouldn't it?" Asked Celestia confused.
Preston looked at them equally baffled, "Well...I just figured...SOMEONE could take it...and make BOTH of our problems disappear." He explained carefully.
Luna looked at him confused, "If you could pay someone to fix your factory, why not do it BEFORE now?" She asked confused.
Preston looked at them even more confused...then a thought occurred to him...and then decided to roll the dice. "Tell me your majesties...if I were to tell you that I'm...'bribing' you, would you understand what I mean?"
Again, the sisters look at him baffled. "I...No..what is it?" Asked Luna confused
"Is this 'bribe'...human magic?" Asked Celestia suddenly
Preston, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth- pun intended -seized on this lifeline ...uh...yes! It's a 'kind' of human 'magic' that literally makes both your problems and mine VANISH into thin air."
Celestia: "Oh! Sounds exciting!" Exclaims Celestia enthralled, envisioning the factory magically being brought up to code.
"Very well...we'll accept the power of this...bribe." Stated an equally enthralled Luna.
Preston smiles at this good fortune, gives them the bits, has them sign some 'bribe release' forms, and like that, they were gone...
Preston lounged in his chair, and pushed the intercom button, "Charlotte...bring the good champagne, I feel like celebrating..."
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"Try to think of it like this; humans are like a raging river...ponies seem more like a peaceful meadow." Explained Dipper. The Mane six were at the Mystery Shack. Were both humans and ponies came together...and got ripped off...
"Behold the legendary Satchcrotch!" Shouted Grunkle Stan as he amazed the humans...yet revolted the ponies...who for some reason STILL couldn't look away.
Applejack looked at all this suspiciously, "What exactly dose your uncle do-
WHAP!
OW!
WHY!?
I am so sorry!
The group turned to the now familiar sight of Pinkie sobbing before a human with a black-eye...Pinkie knew Dipper had explained to her that surprised humans were like Fluttershy...except instead of hiding..they just immediately gave her the STARE! Pinkie could understand it...but she refused to give up making people happy! ...no matter how much it hurt!
"I admire your determination", Whispered Dipper to the sobbing pink pony as he hugged her(who quickly hugs him back) and put ice on her black eye. Wendy both an employer of the Shack and the person who just punched the cute pink pony for sneaking up on her to give her treats...was guilt ridden, and apologizing profusely.
Twilight watched Dipper curiously...as if she was just seeing him for the first time ever...
After, Pinkie was calmed down and taken care of. They went back to their discussion...except Applejack who was busy talking up with Wendy. The two of them had become fast friends...despite the ROUGH beginning.
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"What in tarnation are you doing to our orchard!?" Shouted an enraged Applejack to the entire Corduroy clan...who'd just destroyed fifty of her best trees. Wendy glared at her father, "That's IT! Dad, next time we ask for directions instead of relying on your 'manly survival skills'- y'know, like a sane person!" She snapped.
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Things downward spiraled for awhile a bit when ponies learned of the concept of a 'lumberjack'...and were horrified by it. Turns out cutting down trees is illegal throughout Equestria. This...confused humans who pointed out things made of wood or firewood stores. It's then revealed that the wood used for all that were just clipping's from trees enchanted to be large!(it was the first thing unicorns are taught to do in schools)
Things looked like they could get nasty between ponies and the (surprisingly large) Lumberjack community in Gravity Falls; as they now only had the Gravity Falls forest as a source of legal lumber...and using only that would be just suicide. Wendy, worried of conflict. Went to Dipper for help.
Dipper was quick to come up with a rather daring proposal...turns out 'technically' the trees of Everfree are excluded from the 'tree protection law'- the reasoning being that, well, who'd be crazy enough to go there to chop wood in the first place? The Lumberjacks of Gravity Falls, that's who!
At first the ponies thought they were crazy and begged them to not throw their lives away...that is until the cockatrice, hydra, manticore and Timber wolf(especially the timber wolves...they make good kindling apparently), etc. population took a nose dive overnight. Many ponies began to look to the Lumberjacks in awe/terror...especially the Corduroy clan...but especially Wendy and Dipper. Applejack -having felt guilty forcing the 'tree protection' issue- had run into the Everfree forest to save everyone...found herself with a front-row seat to their combo of Wendy's front-line fighting and Dipper's hit and run magic/tactical expertise bring down an Ursa MAJOR...the equal admiration for each other's strength, independet streak, and taste in rustic hatwear had made the girls fast-friends.
"Yeah, right! Like you could hogtie more then me!" Shouted Applejack. "Challenge accepted, Loser has to let Rarity give them a makeover!" Stated Wendy!
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash inquired more on Dipper's last statement. "Dude...aren't you kinda being harsh on your own people? comparing them to a raging river?" Dipper smirks, "Who says that's a bad thing?"
Twilight couldn't help be amazed by Dipper's turn of phrase...he quickly explains how while a raging river at first may seem like a bad thing- and it DOSE have it's con's like being uncontrollable and chaotic -but it also has the perks of getting things DONE. It went where it wanted and God help anyone or anything that got in it's way. As for comparing ponies to a peaceful meadow...at first that seems like a good thing...but well...would YOU want to stand on a peaceful meadow and nothing else forever? In other words...nothing would get worse...but nothing would get better...it would just BE.
"This is more of that grey morality stuff you talked about yesterday, isn't it?" Asked Twilight inquisitively. Dipper shrugged, "Well..sorta...but really- And so this went on...and Twilight was amazed. For the first time since her talks with Celestia...she was having an intelligent(by her standerds) conversation. Not only could Dipper keep up with everything she said- regardless of subject -but also sometimes managed to even outtalk her! It had been great with Celestia...but with Dipper it was better...he was near her age after all...and...a guy...
Twilight felt a strange warmth in her checks...as she began to discover a 'new' type of magic...while Dipper continued to talk on...
-basically, It think both our species could have a lot to offer to each other...we maybe different as night and day, hot and cold, me and Mable-
"Speaking of Mable, did you handle that? Apple bloom is too afraid to leave the house now!" Snaps Applejack annoyed. Dipper groaned, "I tried to have her punished or grounded...but Stan refused...it's like my parents all over again. Nobody wants to punish sweet, adorable, energetic Mable...but me on the other hand- Dipper shakes his head to get his rant back on track while the Main six look at him with concern, "I'll try to keep talking to Stan but-
"Horsefeathers to that! We'll talk to him ourselves if we have to!" Says Rainbow Dash annoyed. Rarity and Applejack heartily agreed.
It was then that a loud commotion was heard, everyone turned around to see the princesses heading for the Shack. Stan naturally responded by kicking everyone out unless they paid the 500$ 'good enough for royal company fee'(he promptly made more money in five minutes then the last 5 years combined).
The mane six- and Dipper after Twilight forcibly grabs and yanks him down -bow to them. "At ease my little ponies...and humans." Amended Celestia quickly. Twilight smiles up at her mentor, "Princess Celestia, what brings you here?"
Celestia returned the smile, "I thought it be best to inform you quickly; soon all our problems concerning Northwest will be gone!"
"You mean the forest will be free of pollution and my animal friends will be free to head home?" Asked Fluttershy excitedly.
Celestia nodded, "Yes, and we owe it all to Mr. Preston's magic of bribery! We should all- Why Dipper, why are you laughing?" Asked Celestia confused.
Sure enough, Dipper was on the floor laughing. Also, despite the fact they were doing their best not to show it...clearly, the other humans were also trying hard not to laugh. The ponies just watched this confused.
Dipper quickly sat up, (Snort) Wow- Just, wow...(chuckle) Your an idiot!" He mocks right in Celestia's face, leading to a shocked cry from all ponies...and Twilight to faint...
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'When the truth is shoved down your throat...it's STILL the truth'...Celestia had heard a human say it while passing by...but hadn't really understood what he meant...until now... Tricked...she'd been tricked. A very obvious trick too! Dipper was right...she was an idiot. This- this bribery...it sickened her!
True, one pony exchanging a favor for another wasn't unheard of...but it was ALWAYS for stupid, silly, little things! Harmless things!(like that whole Gala ticket 'fiasco'). NO ONE EVER GOT HURT FROM IT! EVER!
For the first time in many years...Celestia was eating Humble pie...and she did not like it one bit...
Dipper just shook his head at the whole thing, "I just don't get it, I know I put you down a LOT...but even I have to acknowledge the fact that you are competent enough to not only run a country for a thousand years or more...but also intelligent enough to make it more happy and prosperous then humans ever have...you literally have no excuse to grab this big ball of idiot-
"DIPPER!" Shouted Twilight horrified. "It's okay Twilight, he's right...I was an idiot." Everyone gasped as her sister comforted her. "He fooled both of us sister." She assured.
Celestia thanked her sister and turned to Dipper; "The wicked of this world Dipper, are never subtle. They've never had a reason to be. I understand what it is, of course. Or else I would question the meaning of the word. Subtly is a part of daily politics. But I've never thought anyone with wicked intent would be able to use it. Villains in Equestria have always just wielded massive amounts of power to force their goals with all the 'subtlety' of a hurricane. Mr. Northwest has caught me of guard. I do not wish to be caught off guard again." She said firmly with a trace of steel in her voice.
Dipper just frowned at that, "I just don't get...Preston is clearly a clever guy...he'd have to of known that you'd have found out the deception quickly so why did he...wait, he didn't have you sign anything did he?"
Celestia nodded, "Yes, the 'bribe release' for- She trailed off...and slapped her face with her hoof...and sighed. "Dare I ask what it REALLY was?" She groaned, cursing herself for being so dazzled by Preston's charm and learning of 'new magic' that she didn't even read the documents she signed with her ROYAL SEAL!
"Oh Starswirl...you'd tan my hide for making such a filly-error!" She thought to herself in shame.
Stan chuckled, "Oh, probably the usual: exonerating him of all crimes, giving him permission to run his factory how he sees fit without fear of consequence, maybe a government grant or two if he was slick enough-
Both sisters flopped to the floor, "I've failed you my little ponies...if what Mr. Pines says is true...Preston is now free to pollute and destroy our homes with no fear of consequence...I am now powerless by my own laws to stop him."
All the other ponies just bow their heads in defeat, if their princess say it is hopeless...who were they to argue? Fluttershy sighed, "I...better start moving more of the animals out of the forest...also myself to a new home AWAY from the forest...the fumes are starting to make me dizzy..." She begins to walk away sadly...
"(sniff) I'll go tell Granny to accepts Preston's deal to sell our farm to him...with already lost 10 trees to his toxins...might as well get what we can before he lowers his price..." Said a tearful Applejack as she walks away to accept her fate...
Rainbow dash turned to her friends, "Hey, you guys can bunk with me in Cloudsdale if things get too hazardous down here." Said the resigned Pegasus, her friends glumly nodded and thanked her-
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Everyone turns to see an irate Dipper, "So that's it? Your just going to roll over and give up?"
Twilight looked over at Dipper confused, "Dipper...you heard Celestia-
"FRACK CELESTIA!" All ponies gasped, but Dipper ignored them as he turned to Celestia.
"What are you going on about being 'powerless' -YOU RAISE THE SUN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
Celestia looked at him baffled, "Dipper the law-
"Abraham Lincoln- The LAW isn't a suicide pact!" Dipper just shakes his head, "What's the point of your precious LAW, if upholding it brings suffering to those you care about!?"
He turns to all the ponies, "Look, I get that you try to see the bright side of things and try to be okay with everything...which is usually a healthy attitude that in most situations I wish more humans would emulate- BUT NOW IS NOT THAT TIME! When life gives you lemons-
"Make lemonade?" Interrupted Pinkie as she pulled a pitcher of lemonade from her mane and poured it into a glass.
Dipper shook his head, "No...we have that saying too but it's been Loooong supplanted by a more popular one...which frankly my Grunkle Stan would do it better justice-
"I only act for bacon- Dipper tosses bacon right into mouth -I'm pacified." He then turns to the ponies, "When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your DAWM lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"
The humans cheer as the ponies just gape in horror. Twilight meanwhile slowly pours the lemonade back into the pitcher, puts it on the floor...and slides it out of sight with her hind-hoof.
"What's wrong with lemonade?" Whispered a VERY confused Dash, to which Twilight could only shrug, equally baffled.
"...Mmmmm, and were could I find these...exploding lemons?" Asks Pinkie Pie inquisitively.
"Yer plannin' on baking them into pies ta prank ponies ain't ya?" Asked a concerned Applejack. "Whaaaaaat? Psh. No. Of course not (under her breath) they'd see that coming."
"But shouldn't everyone try to just make the best of when bad things happen. You certainly can't just ignore them." Asked Fluttershy confused.
Dipper shook his head. "I'll say again, You can't always look for the bright side in everything. Sometimes you have to 'make' the bright side yourself."
"Hows making it any different from looking for it?" Asked Twilight confused/interested.
Dipper shrugged, "It's kind of like wanting an apple but all you have is oranges. Looking for the bright side there is thinking that you still enjoy oranges. Making the bright side on the other hand is going out and getting more apples." He explained.
"Now THAT I get", Said Applejack firmly.
Dipper nods and turns to Celestia, "So what's it going to be? You going to let your little ponies down again?"
Celestia just looks at him in disbelief...but nods, "No, I don't think I shall." She gets up and heads out. "Come sister...I think it's time we show Mr. Preston some 'New Magic' of our own." she says with a smile. Luna smirks and tags along...
...
Needless to say after all of Preston's newly acquired 'get out of trouble free cards' mysteriously got burnt to a crisp...he was suddenly very accommodating to the two sisters...
The mudflap factory was condemned, torn down, and all employees were either moved to better jobs or laid off with very generous severances and references, and all the pollution was cleaned up on Preston's Dime.
Meanwhile, Celestia FINALLY read the rest of Twilight's letter with concern. While Twilight added another concern to herself as her 'education' on 'friendship' took a...interesting turn...
But that's a story for another time...
...
TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me
