A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.
The Mizard Of Odd
Chapter 12: Miz Thinks About Distractions
"What, all of us?" JJ said with a frown.
"Yes," Miz said. "Pixie was pretty clear on that part of it. It's going to take all of us to get out of here."
"But I'm pretty comfortable here," JJ said. "The outside world isn't going to understand about the name thing."
"You'll be fine," Miz said. "Besides, if you don't go, who's going to help me with Christian?"
"Drew could help you," JJ muttered.
"Rawr!" Matt screamed, stomping after Mark, who let out a shriek.
Miz sighed and watched Matt, then turned back to JJ, eyebrows raised. "Really? And what happens when he's Godzilla?"
"It would happen a lot less without me there," said JJ stubbornly.
"I'd be busy chasing Matt and have to leave Christian with Punk or Randy."
"Ugh," said Christian with a shudder. "That's not good. Come on, JJ. You're fine, so long as you don't say names."
JJ shook his head. "I won't leave you at Beth or Hornswoggle's mercy," he said. "But why go at all, Rey? Don't you like it here?"
"It's comfortable," Christian said. "Sometimes. Which is more than you can say for most of the outside world. Why do you want to leave, Miz?"
"Because I don't belong here," Miz said, "and neither do you, Christian."
"So maybe you two should go alone," JJ said. "And come back for the rest of us?"
"Pixie said I'd need you, though," Miz said. "All of you. That this wouldn't work without you. I assume it's because you guys have skills that I don't."
"Yeah, they're called reality," Punk said.
Christian laughed. "That's freaking hilarious coming from you, Jesus. Reality." He shook his head.
"What?" Punk demanded. "I happen to be very in touch with reality, thank you very much."
"You think you're Jesus," Christian repeated. "How in touch could you possibly be?"
"Guys," Miz said, "come on, it doesn't matter."
"Well, I'm not going if he goes," Punk said with a sniff. "And you're going to need me."
"I'm going to need all of you," Miz said.
"Rawr!" Matt yelled, tackling Mark, who let out a high pitched squeal.
"What's going on in here now?" Will demanded, barging back through the door. He took one look at the scene, then turned to Punk. "I thought you were watching them!"
Punk shrugged. "I left it up to my dad for a minute."
Will sighed and pried a roaring Matt off of Mark. "Terrific. Godzilla, go to your corner."
"Rar?" Matt said, frowning.
"Or to your room," Will said. "I don't care which right now."
Matt dragged himself to the corner and sat down with a sniffle. "Rrr."
Will helped Mark up. "What happened?"
"The dinosaur tried to eat me!" Mark said. "I am a lovely six tier wedding cake and I was attacked by Godzilla."
Miz frowned. "That sounded surprisingly close to the truth," he said to JJ.
"Every so often," JJ said, "Shawn will say something that's true or almost true, which makes it all the harder to trust him. The staff never believes a word he says." Will stomped back into the kitchen, leaving Matt to creep quietly from his corner so he could stalk after Mark again.
Miz looked at Christian and Punk, who were glaring daggers at one another. "The two of you need to resolve this so we can have peace. I need you both."
"What kind of skills does the blind man have?" Punk asked.
"I don't know," Miz said, "but I know we're going to need his help out there. So can you two put aside your differences and try to get along?"
"Of course," Christian said, mock smiling. "I mean, I'm a Christian, and what is a Christian without Jesus?"
"Oh, that never gets old," Punk said. "Ha ha. Maybe if you wore your glasses now and then, you could tell it to the person you're talking to instead of the nearest wall."
"At least the wall appreciates it."
"I happen to know that it doesn't," Punk said. "It suffers in silence to keep you from feeling bad about yourself."
"And now you've undermined its' hard work," Christian said. "Way to go, Punk."
"So what if I have?" Punk countered. "What is it to you?"
"If it's my feelings that the wall is protecting…" Christian began, but he was interrupted by Punk's shriek.
"OW! Orton!" Punk glared at the Viper, who was gnawing on his leg. "What is your problem?"
"Friig aks be awe," Orton said.
Miz pried Orton off of Punk's leg. "What?" Christian asked.
"I said," Orton said, "Fighting makes me angry."
"So you bit me?" Punk asked. "I'm Jesus! Why didn't you bite Christian?"
"You were closer," Orton said with a smirk.
Punk rubbed his leg. "Now I'm going to need some holy Pepsi so that I may heal. Excuse me." Holding his head up high, he limped off through the door into the kitchen.
"Well, that's one way to end an argument," Christian said. "Thanks, Orton. Remind me to give you my dessert tonight."
"No thanks," Orton said. "He was making my head hurt, and I had to get him to shut up somehow. Biting Punk was my pleasure. And if he dies from the venom, so much the better."
"You're not really a poisonous snake," Miz said with a sigh. Orton shrugged. "I wish you would quit biting people."
"It got him to shut up, though," Christian said. "And he's only pouring Pepsi on himself this time. Not like the time he tried to baptize me in the name of holy Pepsi."
"That was you?" Miz asked, shaking his head.
"Yeah."
"Will mentioned it, in passing," Miz told him.
"It made an ungodly mess," Christian said. "Pepsi everywhere. I was washing it out of my hair for an hour. That stuff is even more sticky than you'd expect. And Punk, for all his shortcomings, has a hell of an aim with a two liter bottle of Pepsi."
Miz winced. "I can imagine."
"No," JJ said with a shudder, "you can't. We weren't allowed into the sunroom for two days while they cleaned it up. Shorted out the TV and everything. Two days in this place with no TV… yeah, not fun."
"It was a nightmare of epic proportions," Christian agreed. "They took his Pepsi away for a week. Well, until Orton bit him."
Randy said, "He was annoying me."
"I meant the time he tried to baptize me," Christian said.
"So did I," said a smirking Randy.
"So the good news is, if you need someone baptized in Pepsi on this road trip of yours, Punk's your man," Christian concluded. "Otherwise, he's a pain in the ass."
"I have no idea what we'll need," Miz confessed. "Just that the cat thinks we should take everyone. And that Mark Henry is to be the distraction."
The four of them watched Mark pirouette, crashing into both Matt and a nearby table. The two men and the table collapsed to the ground, bringing Will back from the kitchen a third time, shouting at the two of them. "He's definitely got the distraction thing down," JJ said.
"I'm a daisy!" Mark shouted. "Whee!"
"Rawr!" Matt cried.
