CHAPTER TWELVE: AFRAID
That night, Rachel tried to make dinner for the family. It was strange not to have the galley to rely on; she hadn't had to cook since leaving for the Arctic almost a year and a half earlier.
"What are you making?" Ashley wondered as she came in the kitchen.
"Fish," Rachel replied. Seafood would never be in short supply in that coastal area. The base got the fresh catch from the town of Portsmouth across the river, plus meat, dairy, and produce from a couple local farms that were still running. Food was brought to a 'market' of sorts a couple times a week for residents to pick up whatever they needed.
Ashley frowned slightly as she looked in the pan on the stove. "What did you do to it?" she wondered.
"Attempted to cook it..." But Rachel could see that she must have had the heat too high; the filet was starting to burn. She pulled the pan from over the burner. "I have more," she told Ashley. "I'll start over. How do you like your room?"
Ashley shrugged noncommittally. "It's nice. I like my bed and desk."
"It looked like a good place for your jewelry... or for homework," Rachel added with a smile.
She sighed, not thrilled with that last part. "Yeah, I guess."
"What's Sam up to?"
"Playing cards with Grandpop... Is something burning?"
Rachel turned to look at the stove. "No, I shut it off... Oh!" She opened the oven door and a small cloud of smoke escaped. A pan with baked potatoes looked pretty much unsalvageable. To add insult to injury, the smoke detector then started going off.
Ashley went to open the back door and let some air in, while Rachel threw the pan in the sink with a heavy sigh. What was she doing? The enormity of the challenge that Tom had left her with - suddenly being responsible for two other human beings - was slowly sinking in and starting to feel terrifying. There were so many things she knew nothing about, so many things she'd never done before. What had made either her or Tom think that she was capable of being a parent? The events of the last week seemed to be direct evidence to the contrary.
The noise from the alarm drew Sam and Jed up from the basement. "Everyone okay in here?" Jed wondered as he waved a hand back and forth in front of the smoke detector.
Rachel nodded, frustrated and embarrassed. "We're fine. I'm sorry; I never was the greatest cook and apparently I'm very out of practice."
Jed took in the ruined dishes as the beeping finally stopped. "I see."
"What are we going to eat?" Sam wondered, concern all over his face as though he thought they'd now starve.
"Well, how about we make our favorite pick-me-up meal?" Jed suggested.
"Pancakes for dinner?" Ashley asked. It had been a special treat during the months when they'd lived at his cabin.
"Exactly! I'll whip up some batter. Rachel, you shouldn't be on your feet, anyway."
"I'm fine," she protested, but Jed led her to a seat at the counter.
"Sit," he firmly told her. She could be mad at him all she wanted, but he was still going to look out for her. "Sammy, can you get out a couple eggs and the butter? Ashley, find me some flour and salt. Let's get this pancake factory rolling!"
Rachel watched as the kids happily followed his orders, feeling like a useless bystander. How was she supposed to do this? The changes they were all dealing with were huge, and Rachel felt off-balance and ill-prepared - two things she definitely wasn't used to. Being a friend and confidant was one thing; taking care of the children was something else. She loved Ashley and Sam dearly, but wondered if maybe they'd be better off just left with Jed.
"You want a Mickey Mouse pancake, Rachel?" Ashley asked, pulling her from her thoughts. The kids were pouring out the batter into fun and creative shapes.
"Um, no thank you, luv."
"How about a heart?" Sam persisted.
"I'm not very hungry, actually."
Jed looked her over, concerned. "You feeling okay?"
Rachel shrugged. "Perhaps you're right and I've overdone it."
He hadn't thought he'd ever hear her admit that. The last thing Jed wanted was to have to take Rachel back to the medical center that night. "Why don't you go lay down for a bit?"
She nodded. "Yes, I think I will."
Rachel was quiet the rest of the evening. She didn't end up eating anything other than tea and toast, and Jed handled getting the kids to bed. She tried to force smiles at all the appropriate times to keep them from being too concerned about her, but she knew Jed was concerned. Rachel was thankful that he didn't try too hard to get her to talk; he simply let her retreat to her bedroom for the night.
Just after 1AM, she was awakened by a quiet knock on her door. "Rachel?" Ashley's voice came from the hall.
She sat up slightly, looking across the moonlit room. "Come in, luv," she called. The door opened and Ashley ran over, her eyes wide with fright. "Are you okay?"
The young girl shook her head vehemently. "Daddy's not coming back."
Rachel lifted the edge of the blanket, inviting Ashley to lay down with her. "Of course he is," she replied as she wrapped an arm around the young girl.
"No, he's not. I saw it. Th-there was a flag and a coffin... Daddy died."
"It was just a dream, darling," Rachel promised, smoothing her hair back. "Your father will move heaven and earth to get back to you."
Ashley sniffled. "I'm scared," she whispered.
Rachel laid a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'll let you in on a secret. I am, too."
"Of something happening to Daddy?"
She shook her head. "Mostly of something happening to you or your brother. I'm scared that I can't take care of you."
Ashley thought about that for a long minute. "We'll be good," she promised. "We don't mean to be trouble."
Rachel held her close. "You're already truly wonderful. I just... I want to do the right things for you, but I'm not sure what they are."
"Pancakes for dinner every night," Ashley decided. "And no homework, ever."
Rachel smiled. "Neither one of those things sound like very good ideas to me." They both giggled softly.
"It's okay if everything's not perfect," Ashley assured her as she fought a yawn. "Maybe we can all take care of each other?"
"Maybe…" Rachel was used to perfection. She'd demanded it of herself for years. She was used to situations where there was a right or wrong answer. An exam question. A test in the lab. The cure. The idea that children were nothing but gray areas was intimidating. "Do you want to sleep in here tonight?" she asked, and Ashley nodded, her eyes already closing. Rachel was about to join her in going back to sleep when there was another quiet knock on the door.
"Rachel?" Sam asked. "Are you awake?"
A small smile crossed her face; of course he was up now, too. "Yes, luv, come in."
Sam looked surprised to see his sister when he opened the door, but that didn't deter him from running around the bed and laying down on Rachel's other side. "I couldn't sleep," he whispered.
"Why not?" she quietly asked.
Sam just shrugged at first, but then relented. "I didn't like being in the dark."
That was a surprise; Rachel couldn't remember him ever being afraid of the dark before. "You were okay in your room on the ship," she pointed out.
"Yeah... but now I don't know what's out there."
Rachel smiled sympathetically; she could understand that. His brand new room was still unfamiliar and therefore unsettling. "I can try to find a little light for you."
Sam gave her some phenomenal puppy-dog eyes. "Can I just stay here with you?"
She smiled and wrapped an arm around him. "Of course. I don't think any of us really wanted to be alone tonight."
Both children cuddled up with her, resting their heads against her shoulders. "Love you," they sleepily whispered with closed eyes.
Rachel smiled. "I love you, too."
"I'm glad... you're... with us," Sam murmured as he drifted off.
Tears pricked at her eyes. Their unremitting affection and freely-given trust made her heart swell. This was the essence of family - no matter how bad it got or how much she tried to distance herself, they were still there, wanting and needing her. Making this work would take some effort and some luck, and there was going to be a steep initial learning curve, but it would be worth it. Things didn't have to come easy when the rewards were this good.
~ % ~
As Rachel fell asleep thinking of what she'd gained, Tom was awake in his bed thinking of what he'd left behind. He lay on his back, holding a picture of Rachel and the children from the beginning of the summer. It had been a Father's Day surprise, along with breakfast in bed. Their faces beamed at him from the paper, with a lovely day on the ocean as a background. Tom slowly traced a finger over each of their faces, wishing he could actually touch them. He wondered how they were faring, what they thought of the house, or what they'd had for dinner? Most importantly, were they okay?
For some reason - actually, for several reasons - it hadn't been this hard to leave in a very long time. At the moment he felt like a puzzle piece that was missing from the full picture.
Ashley and Sam started school the following morning. It was a quick adjustment, but there was no real reason for them to stay home. Hopefully keeping busy would keep them happy and from missing their other life too much.
"I don't have anything to wear," Ashley complained as she came downstairs in pajamas. Rachel was standing in the kitchen, pouring bowls of cereal for them - one meal she knew she could successfully make.
"What about your turquoise shirt?" she suggested. Ashley shook her head. "The purple one?"
"No."
"Your yellow sundress?"
She shook her head again. "It's too cold."
Rachel smiled; she had a feeling Ashley was going to be interesting to deal with as a teenager. "Well, luv, you do have options. You just have to pick one." Ashley heaved a sigh, but headed back upstairs. She passed Sam as he came in the kitchen.
"Morning, Rachel," he greeted her. He was already dressed in jeans and a green shirt.
"Morning, luv. How did you sleep?"
"Okay. When do we get our things for school?" They didn't have backpacks, notebooks, or most of the other standard supplies yet.
"Well, Mrs. Tophet said you can borrow some of Ava's extra things for today, and I'll work on getting your supplies, okay?"
Sam nodded. "Can you get me an Iron Man backpack? That's what I had at home."
Rachel smiled. "I make no promises, but I'll see what I can do."
Sam grinned. "I'm glad we're going to real school again." Back in Norfolk, he'd just finished second grade when the Red Flu struck. He'd spent his third grade year on the Nathan James, and as much as he loved his grandfather, it just hadn't been the same.
"I'm happy for you, too." Rachel told him with a smile. "You'll get to make new friends and learn new things - "
"And have a real playground!" Sam interrupted.
Rachel laughed. "We didn't do too badly with what we had on the ship," she protested.
He thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah..." Sam wrapped his arm around her waist and leaned against her. "I'll miss you and Grandpop," he softly admitted.
Rachel dropped a kiss on top of his head. There had been a lot of changes in a very short amount of time. Hopefully now they could start to find stability. "I'll miss you, too. But I can't wait to hear all about your day when you get back, alright?" Sam nodded.
Jed and Rachel walked Sam and Ashley to school and made sure they met their new teachers. The school's attendance definitely wasn't at pre-Red Flu levels, but they had separate classes for different age groups and ran from 8:30 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon. It was as close to life before the virus as they could get.
Afterwards, Rachel began to realize she had no idea what to do with herself during the day. The only thing she HAD to do that day was meet up with Kelly to shop for the kids' school supplies. As nice as a little vacation from responsibilities sounded, she was used to having a purpose, something to work towards. She felt a bit lost without that.
"What do I do now?" she asked Kelly as they walked together to the market on base. It had been set up after the Red Flu as a place that residents could get anything they needed, from food to tools. Kelly normally spent her days working there, but was taking some time off to be with Katie. The traumatized and clingy young girl had not started school that morning with Ashley, Sam, and Ava; she still remained firmly attached to her guardian's side.
"Well, what do you want to do?" the other Brit wondered.
"I don't know... But I don't think I can just sit home and knit."
Kelly laughed at that mental picture. "Not exactly your style."
"Maybe I'll go see how the base's production facility is doing," Rachel finally decided. A large storage warehouse had been converted with whatever equipment they could get their hands on into a production facility where hundreds of doses of the cure were made each day. They didn't have a lot in the way of personnel, but they'd been managing. Rachel had originally wanted to keep some distance from her work for a little bit, fearing it would only fuel her bitterness about being stuck at the base, but she couldn't imagine what else she'd do with herself.
Kelly smiled. "You'll be running the place by the end of the day," she teased.
TBC...
A/N: Just want to reassure everybody - I'm not trying to turn Tom into the bad guy. I don't think I've got any bad guys in this, really. People make less than optimal decisions for what they think are good reasons. The things that 'Scotch' have to work through will make them even stronger together in the end.
