Pieces 12
A few months ago I felt broken; like I had fallen to pieces and would never get put back together. It's amazing how far you can go in so little time. Every day I wake up, wondering if I'm dreaming and everything will turn gray again. But my eyes open, my senses awaken; and Xena's arms are wrapped around me.
I never expected for our relationship to evolve this way. The thought just never occurred to me even though I loved her with all my heart the first moment I saw her. It's so very different than anything I've ever felt, seen, or even heard about. I've discovered this whole other level of feelings that constantly swirl inside me. I've tried to document this; but even for a bard, words are just not enough to describe what I feel.
We've only been intimate a few times, and always Xena doing the pleasing. I think she does this on purpose as I pass out every time. I still feel shy in front of her; everything still feels so new, like an adventure I've only just begun.
'Gabrielle, I think I'll stay here from now on. You could give birth any day.' Her face is serious, the stern 'I don't want any arguments' face.
'Xena…'
'Gabrielle!' I suddenly feel like I'm five.
'Ok, jeesh. I just figured you would be bored.' Xena's face changes, a look of guilt spreading across her face. 'What?' I narrow my eyes at her. If she feels guilty, it can't be good.
'Well…I may have sent a messenger to your parents.' She winces as if waiting to be hit.
'You actually think they'd come?' I scoff as she lets out a burst of air she had been holding.
'They deserve a chance.' She doesn't sound very convincing.
'Well if they do show up, it will probably be to steal my child.' I grunt, trying to shift in my chair. She chuckles quietly to herself. 'I'm serious!' Not really, but the thought has occurred to me more than once.
'Hey, you're neglecting your duties.' Oops. Xena is sitting on the floor between my legs, her back to me so I can rub the knots out of her neck and shoulders.
'You're the one who distracted me.'
'Now, I'm undistracting you.'
'That's not a word.' I start the massage again.
'I've heard five people say it.'
'Could any of these people read?'
'Never asked.' I pinch her arm and she feigns being in pain. 'Have you picked a name?'
'No. I think I'll know when the time comes.'
'I'm not sure babies have any personality when they're born.' She laughs, then groans as I work out a particularly tough knot.
'You just aren't looking close enough.' Just as I'm thinking about taking advantage of her position, someone decides to knock on the door. Xena pushes herself up with a sigh, grabbing her sword. You never know who could show up on your doorstep. I lean back in my chair, trying to listen. First thing I hear is Cyrene's voice.
'I take it you know her?' Cyrene is asking Xena. Who?
'Yeah.' Her reply is a bit terse.
'Well are you going to invite us in or not.' A request not a question. Cyrene's voice is jovial so it can't be that bad. My life would be easier if my chair faced the door. As it is, I have to wait for them to walk around in front of me.
Cyrene practically comes bounding towards me, hugging me and touching my stomach. Slowly Xena then…
'Mother?' They both walk at a creep towards the center of the room. Xena looks uncomfortable; maybe she didn't think my mother would actually show up.
'Hi Gabrielle.' She says weakly, staring at my stomach.
'Father didn't come with you did he?'
'Oh, no.' She shakes her head vehemently. Her eyes are beginning to fill with tears.
'What's wrong? Did something happen to Lila?'
'No, no nothing like that.' She wipes at her eyes.
'Xena dear, why don't we go make some tea.' Cyrene tries to usher her daughter out of the room. I have to give Xena a nod of approval before she'll move though.
'Your sister got married.' My mother slowly sinks into a chair.
'Yes I know. They came by for a night.' I smile despite the stricken look on my mothers face.
'Oh, that's good, that's good.' She starts gazing around absently.
'Mother, why did you come?'
'I….I had to see you.' The tears spring to her eyes again. 'I'm so sorry for the way we acted.'
'It's ok.' I don't really want her to cry. If she doesn't stop I'll probably start blubbering too.
'No, it was wrong. I only have two children and I don't want to lose either of you. Even if I don't understand your actions and your choices…..' Her tears finally begin to fall. 'The world changes and sometimes it's hard to adapt, especially for people like me and your father.' She gets up, kneeling down in front of me and resting her head on my stomach.
'I can't believe we were so stupid. I could have missed this.' Her hands grasp either side of my belly as she whispers weakly. I run my hands through her rough grey hair.
'Oh mother.' We sit like this, crying and trying to console each other at the same time. After a time we both finally calm the tears. 'Mother, I have to tell you something.' She lifts her head, looking at me with her tired eyes.
'What is it?' She is obviously afraid of what I might say; and I'm afraid how she may react; despite this new found closeness.
'Mother, Xena and I…..' How do I say this. 'I love Xena and she loves me.' I force the words out but look my mother in the eye. She stands slowly, backing up until her legs hit the back of the chair and she's sitting once again.
'What do you mean?' She's swallowing hard, looking at me with what looks like fear.
'I mean we're…..lovers.' If Xena was a man I still would have a hard time saying these words. My mother brings her hand up over mouth as shock settles on her face. Then she drops her head into her hands with an audible gasp.
'You're father will never approve.' She sounds like she's in pain. Her reaction is not a surprise, but my heart is beginning to ache. 'Why? He could have accepted this.' She waves her arm at me and around the room. 'But he will never accept this.'
'That is your choice to make mother.' I fully expect her to leave, to abandon the words she had spoken to me moments before this revelation. She sighs, shaking her head. She stands and walks towards the door.
'I need to ummm…..' She doesn't finish her though, just walks out the door, leaving it standing open. Well I still have Lila, I think. My tears come again, this time with such a force that I can't breathe. Xena and Cyrene come rushing into the room at the sound of my sobs. Xena gathers me into her arms, whispering soothingly into my ear. Cyrene walks out the door, following the path my mother just took.
'Hey, it'll be ok.' She grasps my face between her hands, trying to look into my eyes. I try to wipe the snot and tears away.
'I must look horrible.' I laugh in between my fading sobs. Xena smiles, handing me a cloth.
'Sad, but not horrible.' She watches as I wipe at my face.
'I'm sorry.' I whisper as my head falls forward to her shoulder.
'You have nothing to be sorry for.'
'Did you hear what she said?' Xena hesitates a moment before answering.
'Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop.' She kisses the top of my head.
'No, it's ok.'
'She didn't say she couldn't accept us.' She says, rubbing my back slowly.
'No.' I'm tired of this drama.
'Don't worry, mother will talk some sense into her. You know how she is.' We both laugh, finally easing the tension.
'I love you. I don't know what took me so long to realize.' I mumble into her chest.
'It's called growing up. Everything can be confusing especially when you're traveling with me.' I can hear the smile in her voice.
'Do you think of me as a kid still?'
'No, every day you become more and more of a woman. After everything you've been through, I know how strong and confident you are. You are an amazing woman.'
'I bet you say that to all the girls.' I tease.
'Yeah it's a good line.' We both laugh as I slap her arm playfully.
'I need to pee.' She laughs again, helping me up out of the chair.
'Well come on, don't want you having an accident.'
Later that night Cyrene calls back around just as we are sitting to eat. She walks in, looking at me with such compassion.
'Shouldn't you be at the tavern?' I ask her as she sits down next to me, giving me a little squeeze.
'It's not that busy, besides I had to see if you were ok.' Her eyes narrow in question.
'Yes, it hit me harder than I thought it would. It wasn't anything I didn't already expect.'
'Well I had a good long talk with your mother.'
'Oh Cyrene, you didn't…' She raises her hand, stopping me mid sentence.
'You don't deserve to be treated like that. You are the kindest, gentlest person I know.' Ok I can't start crying again. 'I think she'll come around eventually. Sometimes it's just hard for people to see past their own morals and judgments. We don't always give people the chance they deserve.' She glances at Xena, trying to make her point. Xena grunts and tries to look as if she's not interested in the conversation, folding her arms across her chest.
'Thank you Cyrene. You are too kind.' I kiss her cheek as she smiles sweetly at me.
'Well I'll leave you two girls to eat.' She starts to get up to leave.
'Oh, please stay and eat with us.' I urge.
'That's ok sweetheart. I think you've had enough visitors today.' Cyrene leans down, hugging me before Xena escorts her to the door.
The rest of the night is quiet. Xena insisted on giving me a bath even though I couldn't even get in the tub. She ended up sponging me down; it wasn't as erotic as I thought it'd be. Of course I don't think she intended it to be. But still, a girl can dream.
It's at some point in the middle of the night that the pain comes. When I first wake up, I'm confused as I feel the bed wet beneath me. First I thought that maybe my bladder decided it couldn't wait for me to wake up. But then this pain grips my body, making me cry out.
'What is it?' Xena is up and on her feet as soon as the sound leaves my lips.
'I don't know. It hurts.' Not very descriptive but I'm a little panicked at the moment. Xena pulls the blanket back, pulling it off me all the way.
'Shit!'
'What?'
'You're going into labor.' She smiles at me. 'I have to go get my supplies. I'll be right back.' She kisses my forehead before running out of the room. Well I'm not dying so that's good, but I'm not sure this pain thing is really something I want to experience.
Xena comes in and out of the room a few times, dropping off supplies before running back out. So far I haven't felt any more pain, but my stomach feels uncomfortable. Finally Xena stops running around, climbing onto the bed she positions herself behind me.
'Xena, shouldn't you be there?' I point between my legs. She laughs.
'You could have contractions for hours. I don't think we're at that stage yet.' Her hands slide over mine, fingers locking together. Pain hits me again, I feel like I want to curl up and die. Xena is whispering in my ear, trying to calm me.
'Xena, I don't want to do this anymore.'
'I think it's too late for that.' She chuckles in my ear.
'You never said it would hurt this much.' I'm actually becoming angry.
'I think I did.' I stop talking, trying to calm my heart that's beating out of control.
'Ok, this won't be so bad; just a little pain. I can handle that.' I'm trying to convince psyche myself up, but I don't really believe me. And the pain does just keep coming for hours. I'm completely exhausted before I've even gotten to the worst part.
'Looks like we're almost there.' Xena says, her head between my legs. 'You're going to have to start pushing soon ok?' She looks at me with a smile but I can only glare at her.
'If this doesn't happen soon, I think I am going to die.'
'Ok.' She says, as she feels my body tense. 'Push.' I try to both deal with the pain and do what she is saying, but it's hard. My body feels like it's on fire; I think a monster is crawling out from between my legs. I barely hear Xena's instructions to push, every time the pain hits; but somehow I manage to do what she says until I feel a tearing sensation and suddenly it doesn't hurt quite as much.
I try to lift my head to see the baby, but Xena is bent over it.
'Xena?' My voice trembles. There's a soft cry from the baby, but not very loud.
'It's a boy.' She says, lifting him up in her arms. 'But Gabrielle….' She trails off as she stares down at the baby. After a moment she sits him on my chest and goes back to work between my legs. My eyes are blurry with tears as I realize what's just happened. I can't believe it.
'Gabrielle.' Xena looks at me solemnly, but I don't know why. He's alive, what could be wrong. 'Look at him.'
'What?'
'Look.' She points slowly, and finally I see what she's talking about. This baby is imperfect, most would say the God's are angry with me and are punishing me. I say, he's a blessing no matter what the reason. His tongue sticks out of his mouth, and he's unusually quiet for a newborn. I've seen this before, when I was really young.
'Perdicus had a sister.' I run my finger down the soft cheek. 'She died when she was only three. She was just like this.'
'Are you ok?' Xena asks.
'I understand if you can't deal with this, but I will love this baby no matter what.' Xena smiles, coming around to the side of the bed.
'How can I not love something that comes from you?' Her finger plays with the tiny hand. 'He's beautiful.' Suddenly, I feel complete.
The End TBC
