The next morning Martin was quiet, remote even, Louisa thought. He barely looked at her across the kitchen table. She was relieved to see that he did spend some time with James before hiding himself away in his consulting room. She assumed he was working on his clock.

Martin woke despairing. His behavior the night before had been appalling and he wondered how Louisa would behave toward him now. Had he ruined everything with his lack of control? Breakfast was emotionally painful as he didn't know what to say or do beyond the obvious consumption of the meal. After spending a few minutes with James, reading him a story and playing with him, Martin did the only thing he could think of to do; he retreated.

Alone in his consulting room, panic set in. Fighting it off through the morning had taken effort and now he could let his guard down. He was an idiot, he told himself over and over. What had possessed him to behave in such an atrocious manner? He thought about pulling out his clock and tinkering with it. That usually calmed him. But today, he knew it would be useless and he'd probably break something. He was simply too upset to concentrate on anything. What must Louisa think of him now?

Sitting alone at his desk with all sorts of twisted thoughts running rampant in his mind, he felt like a boy again, wanting to cry. But tears wouldn't cure this mess and he knew it. He needed to talk to someone, but whom?

Ruth came to mind first. But he dismissed it quickly. He couldn't tell her about his behavior, about what he had in his mind to do last night. He couldn't tell her that he was no better than some of the criminally insane she had treated over the years.

There was no one else he realized as his mind silently checked off a list of everyone he knew. Except…

Martin opened his drawer and flipped through his book, looking for Engelmann's number. Thankfully the man took his call immediately. "I…I need your help," Martin said rather abruptly.

"Martin? Are you in trouble?" Dr. Engelmann said calmly over the line.

"No…yes…I mean, …yes. I…I did something, or almost did it and …I…. I need your help."

"Where are you?"

"In my consulting room at my surgery. I…I don't trust myself so I've hidden in here. I…I'm afraid of what I might do."

"Do? Have you hurt someone, Martin" There was concern in the doctor's voice.

"Last night I…I…. lost control and I…"

"Did you hurt someone? Your son…your wife?"

"No, I mean…not physically. But I … I might have if…please, I need to see you."

"Alright. Can you come in this afternoon?"

"Yes…er, no. I'd have to have Louisa drive me and…I can't be alone with her right now."

"You're afraid you are going to hurt her?" Engelmann sounded worried.

"I did; I mean I almost did last night. I was out of control and… I think I've ruined everything."

"Alright Martin, stay calm. It'll take me about an hour to get there but I am coming to you. Stay in your room if that makes you feel more in control. Try to remain calm. We'll sort this through when I get there."

"Yes, thank you," he replied. Martin settled back into his chair and tried to breathe normally. An hour…just one hour; he'd stay in this room for one hour and then…then what? Engelmann would want to talk, want him to talk. He'd have to explain his behavior. He'd have to confess that he'd been on the verge of raping his wife.

Of course Louisa didn't understand any of what her husband was thinking, why he was behaving as he did. He had frightened her the night before, it wasn't for the reasons he might have thought. No, she had been frightened because his behavior was so unlike him. She was afraid she was losing him just when they had finally seemed to come together. And his pulling away now made her even more nervous.

James, sensing the tension in the house became fractious, crying and fussing and nothing she did seemed to help. Louisa was coming unglued when Emily appeared at the back door to collect James for the afternoon. One look at Louisa told the woman that something was terribly wrong.

"Louisa, why don't you hand James over to me? Let me wrangle with him and you take a break. Maybe find Martin and…"

The damn broke for Louisa then as tears flowed freely. "I can't," she mumbled.

"What, take a break?"

"No…find Martin. He's …he's locked himself away in his surgery and …. I can feel him slipping away, Emily. And it frightens me."

Emily was working to sooth James, who was settling down some now that he was in the arms of the calmer woman. She looked up from the baby at Louisa."Slipping away?"

"Last night he… well, he wasn't himself….really not himself at all. And this morning, I think it frightened him, what happened last night. He was so out of control and Martin doesn't like to be out of control at all."

"Did he hurt you…or James?"

"No…no he… no. He didn't hurt me or James. He just … well, he was feeling a bit amorous and he went a bit …" Louisa was chewing her lip and blushing.

Emily smiled sadly. "You know, being married as long as I have been gives me some perspective that you and Martin don't have. Some men… husbands….sometimes when they don't know how to handle their emotions need sex to …oh I don't know, let it all out. And perhaps gather it all in too. Men like Martin aren't in the habit of asking for help or even a hug when they need it. But sex gives them a way to express love and feel it coming back too. Could that be what last night was all about?" She paused but when Louisa didn't answer she continued. "My guess is that he's locked himself away because he's full of remorse and very upset with himself. And it probably frightened him more than you realize. He's in a very scary place these days, you know. He was helpless for days and still depends on you for some things, I'm sure. Martin doesn't strike me as the kind of man who would take that well, being dependent I mean. And with his head injury he must feel that his job is in jeopardy. I know being a GP isn't his dream job but he is a doctor and it is what he knows. And then there's you and James… he adores you both, you know. I saw it the first time I met him. And like most men, he wants to take care of you, be 'the man' for you…the one he believes you deserve. It's a lot of stress."

Louisa sighed, still biting her lip. "I…I think I know that. I mean, he likes to take care of us. It bothers him that I work; he never liked it. I always thought it was his chauvinistic tendencies; he does seem to have a Victorian view of how things should be. But maybe it is as simple as what you say, he just wants to take care o me."

"Louisa, please pardon me for being blunt but I'm going to say this anyway. Martin probably never dreamed he'd have a family. He might have wanted one along the way but I imagine he never believed a woman would go along with him. I can't imagine he has much experience with serious relationships, much less seriously intimate ones that are required for a good marriage. He's probably felt like he was floundering all along. But I also imagine he feels immense pride, as well as pleasure, at having a wife and child, especially someone as lovely as you. And call it a man thing, but a lot of men want to be able to take care of their family, take on the whole burden… terribly old school and stressful too these days, but I think that is how Martin sees it."

Emily paused and smiled at Louisa. "I had to work for years when we were first married. Then the kids began to come and money was even tighter. So of course, I kept working. He seemed fine with it all those years, even relieved to have help paying the bills. So imagine my surprise when I decided that I really needed to be at home and on call for our children and once we'd worked out a plan for handling the finances, he was more excited than I was about me not having a job." She paused again, chuckling. "He called me every day for weeks to ask me what I was doing, was I enjoying being at home, and what were we having for dinner since I had time to cook. The house was cleaner, the kids more organized, and I had time to fix proper meals. And I found I was happier too. Finally when the youngest was off to college, I went back to work and I enjoyed that so much more too because I wasn't torn between my job and my kids. He was happier too and finally he confessed that it made him feel successful, proud even, that he was able to provide for his family. I'm not saying it is the right decision for everyone. But maybe that's why Martin is the way he is about your job. Did his mother work?"

Louisa snorted. "No. She doesn't know the meaning of the word."

"So that was his example when he was growing up…mom at home and dad out being the earner…"

"More like a mother that couldn't be bothered with raising a child and a father who didn't care."

"Oh, that's sad…" She sat back a moment, her lips twitching in thought. "I'd be willing to bet that growing up his ideal scenario was a mother at home who doted on him and a father who had all the time in the world for him. I've seen him with James; he wants to be with the boy, wants to take care of him. And he wants you to be there for James as well."

"But doesn't that make me…I don't know…a kept woman?"

Emily laughed."You're as bad as he is! Marriage is a partnership, Louisa. And I don't mean fifty/fifty. Either you're all in and then some or it won't survive. You both give and take in lots of ways. Money is only one of the contributions a partner brings to the marriage. You both have so much to give one another and to James. Don't let the old 'my money, your money' argument get in the way of your happiness. If you need to work, fine… but talk with him about why it is important to you. And right now, while he's feeling very vulnerable and like everything is out of control, find ways to give him some control back. Let him help you figure things out. He's injured but he isn't an invalid. Don't make him invalid."

Emily left a few minutes later and as she watched the woman carry James around the corner, Louisa nodded her head. Louisa thought about what Emily had said and agreed that she needed to explain herself better to Martin but more than that, she should let him be a part of her decision about her job, well about everything really. He was injured but that didn't mean he couldn't contribute.

With a small grunt, she realized she was considering resigning, especially if they had another child. She did miss spending her days with James and honestly, she missed seeing Martin through the day too. The last school year had been difficult for her emotionally because she did feel torn so much of the time. Emily was right, she did need to talk to Martin about it; but not today.

Still, was she making him feel even more helpless than he already felt? Was that why he acted so weird last night? Biting her lip one last time and furrowing her brow in determination, she walked across to his consulting room.