ACT FOUR

Scene E

FADE IN:

INT. THE GODDESS' TEMPLE, PARADISE ISLAND, MURDERWORLD – NIGHT

Rogue was laying in her bed. The fabric draping the bed trembled and swayed with the rumblings of the volcano. Rogue's face was very flushed, her eyes dark, her hair wild. It was hot. It was humid. Rogue's skin glistened attractively (with sweat). She was breathing heavily, her eyes fixed on the curtain of netting above her head. It took all of her willpower not to rip off her robe.

"Baseball...," she breathed, trying to distract herself. "The Blob in a Speedo...Wolverine's back hair..."

Rogue kept her thighs pressed tightly together, as if at any moment they might spontaneously throw themselves apart. She writhed around on the bed like a supermodel on the hood of a TransAm in a 1980s music video. Earlier in the day, she had distracted herself by talking to her three captives. Rogue had gone into great detail about the logistics of a long-distance relationship, her conflicted emotions, and her fear of committing herself to something so quickly without having complete resolution to past personal dilemmas. The captives had eventually lapsed into comas.

Now Rogue had very little to distract herself from the problem at hand, i.e.: her throbbing loins. This humiliating objectification of her sexuality was unbearable. Worse was being cast as the damsel in distress, needing rescue. Since when did she need someone to come save her, to liberate her, to solve her problems? Rogue heard the steady rumble of the volcano outside suddenly escalate. She could possibly delay or resolve the imminent threat of the volcano by throwing herself at one of the captives, who were splayed out on the floor of her chamber sound asleep. She could fall into the arms of a man for a night of passion. But that seemed to be a bit out of character. Rogue was in control of her powers. Shouldn't she be in control of her emotions and the rest of her body as well? Maybe that was the worst thing...not being in control of this situation. Why shouldn't she assume control? She was the queen, hot dammit!

Rogue threw herself to her hands and knees to crawl to the edge of the bed. Now on her knees, she yanked back the curtains. She was startled to find the Captain standing behind them. The volcano outside emitted a sudden blast of hot smoke and smoldering rock. Rogue was thrown forward. The Captain caught her against his bare chest.

"Your Royal Hotness," the Captain said. "Romy demands satisfaction!"

Rogue attempted to pull herself back from the Captain's powerful embrace. "Ah all ready told you...," she began. "Ah'm savin' mahself for the right man!"

The Captain held her firmly by the arms. "This is a matter of life and death...!" he said, his eyes boring into hers with compelling fervor. "It is your duty! Do as you are directed, and you will spare us all!"

Rogue put her hands to his chest and pushed but he only held her more tightly. "Ah'm not gonna subject mahself t'this nonsense for the sake of some stupid plot! It makes no sense whatsoever!"

"Do you want to get us cancelled?" the Captain asked hotly, shaking Rogue and sending her hair falling into her eyes. "You don't know what it's like! Having the plug pulled on your show time and again! I barely escaped the prison series Oz."

Rogue paused. "You were in Oz? But that was years and years ago!"

"Do you know how difficult it is to find work as a former action star in his mature years?" he asked.

"Ah imagine slightly less difficult than bein' a female actor over the age of forty...," Rogue answered irritably.

"I am tired of being typecast as the villain," the Captain continued. "This is my breakout role! You could be A Somebody. You've got the face, the body..."

"What about talent?" Rogue asked.

"That's not important!" he snapped and then kissed her.

Rogue's eyes went wide as his lips mashed into hers. "Mmmph!" she said as he fell on top of her, bearing her to the bed. The Captain pinned her wrists to the mattress.

"If you're going to be a leading lady," the Captain said and reached for his belt, "you're going to need a leading man!"

"Ah demand a re-write!" Rogue snapped and raised her leg to slam her knee into Captain's groin. With her one freed hand she reached out and seized the hilt of his sword. As he retreated to fold over his injured crotch, the sword pulled free of the scabbard. Rogue swung the sword and the Captain fell back. A lock of white-blond hair fell to the ground. Rogue clambered off the bed, the sword pointing at the Captain's chest.

"Touch me again and I'll wring your brain out like a sponge," she told him. "Now...take off your pants!"

The Captain's eyes grew wide. "Wha-what?" he said, his hands still cupped over his injury.

"Pants! Take 'em off!" Rogue ordered.

The Captain hesitated, then unlaced his breeches. He hopped around on one foot to remove his boot, then the other before dropping his drawers.

"Toss 'em over!" Rogue said, holding out her hand. The Captain tossed over his pants, which Rogue caught. She threw them over her shoulder. "Okay...now-," she looked around the chamber at a loss.

With his hands raised in surrender, the Captain said: "You won't escape. You're completely surrounded! I need only raise the alarm and bring the guards into this chamber."

Rogue removed her robe's belt. "Then Ah'll see what Ah can do about shuttin' you up!"

The Captain's mouth opened. There was a sudden sharp crack and the Captain's eyes widened for a moment before rolling back into his head. He toppled forward onto the carpet. Behind him stood a figure cloaked in shadow. His eyes flashed in the darkness.

"Remy!" Rogue cried and leapt over the Captain's prone form to wrap her arm around the man's neck. Compulsively, she pressed her mouth to his.

The man drew back. "Hey!" he said brightly. "That was friendly! Thanks!"

Rogue drew back with a gasp. "Wha-!" she said, her face burning. "Longshot!"

LONGSHOT grinned at her a moment before she once more pressed her lips to his with fervent desire. She would have really made an embarrassment of herself if he hadn't stopped her. He held her firmly but gently with his free hand. Rogue stumbled back a few steps, her hand pressed to her lips.

"Ah'm sorry!" she said. "Ah can't control it!"

"It's okay! I actually get that a lot," he said and rubbed his forehead with the back of his forearm. He was holding a long stiff object in his hand. On the ground, the Captain groaned. Longshot reached down and smacked him in the back of the head a second time.

"What is that?" Rogue asked and pointed at the object.

Longshot held it up and looked at it. "I dunno. I found it in the Captain's belt. But it looks like a big-."

Rogue slapped it out of his hand and it fell to the ground with a clatter. "Longshot, how did you get here? How did you find me?"

Longshot set his hands on his hips. "Well..I'm not really Longshot at all. I'm some leftover bits and pieces from Spiral's Shoppe. Actually, I'm even less than Longshot than usual. I lost a few...essential pieces on my way over!"

Rogue glanced down at his loincloth. She might have seemed a little disappointed.

"But that's all right," Longshot continued. "Spiral breaks me all the time. She'll put me back together."

Rogue shook her head, her expression somewhat horrified. She set the sword down onto the bed while she stepped into the breeches she'd taken from the Captain. She pulled them up and tucked the ends of the short robe into her newly acquired pants. Retying the belt, she slipped the sword through it. "How did you get in?" she asked.

"I took the back way," Longshot replied. "C'mon. I'll show you. Your ride is waiting."

Rogue gestured at the Captain. "Help me with him, will you?"

Together they rolled the Captain up in the carpet. Rogue kicked it once in the crotch-region for good measure. "Arrogant prick!" she said to it.

"Follow me!" Pseudo-Longshot said. Rogue trotted after his lithe handsome form, transfixed by the sight of his lovely dimples. Instead of taking the right set of stairs down the pyramid, they took the left. They skirted the side of the pyramid in near-complete darkness (the rumbling volcano was providing a threatening sort of reddish-light). They came the the tall, tall wall of golden stone. Rogue looked upward. There was a tangle of vines all along the wall.

"Up we go," Longshot said, and began to climb. Rogue stared at him from below for a heartbeat or two before shaking herself.

Rogue followed, her hands grasping at the rough vines, her feet seeking out toeholds. The volcano belched out a plume of smoke, then a blast thundered through the air. The escaping pair clung to the vines as the ground shook. Behind them in the village, the natives were restless. Rogue could hear them calling to one another in alarm.

"Hurry!" Rogue said, and began climbing again. Longshot was moving at a slower pace.

"Rogue," he said, "you'll find your ride behind this wall. I've tied it to a tree. You need to get to Gambit. He should be in the Harpy camp. He knows a way out!"

Rogue looked back at Longshot, who had fallen behind. "Won't you be coming?" she asked him. Another blast from the volcano had her clinging helplessly by her arms. Her legs swung free. Longshot looked up at her, holding onto the vines by one hand. She heard a slight pop! as one of his fingers came free of it's socket. "Longshot!" she cried and reached out her hand.

"Don't worry about me!" he called. "I told you, I'm just a construct! Now go! And watch out for—!"

Another blast and they were bathed in the red hot glow of molten lava as it began to erupt from the volcano. The temple and the temple grounds were suddenly pelted with hot black rock. Another pop! pop! and Longshot's fingers pulled free. He fell several yards to the cobblestones below to shatter on the ground like a broken doll. Rogue gasped, tears in her eyes. Her feet scrambled on the wall, seeking a place amongst the twisted vines. The wall rocked as if it were trying to shake her off. Rogue gritted her teeth until the worst of the tremors ended. Then she continued her climb upwards. She reached the top and hauled herself over the edge. Rogue's eyes searched the darkness for anything beyond the wall. On this side, all was cast in dark shadow from the glowing light of the volcano. Rogue picked her way carefully down the wall in almost complete darkness. A few feet from the bottom, Rogue dropped the rest of the way. She found herself at the edge of a jungle. Something moved in the darkness.

"Wark wark!" called a strange creature.

Rogue crept forward towards the sound, the sword held in her grip. As her eyes adjusted, she spied a large creature moving about. The shadow emerged from the gloom, its head cocked slightly to the side.

"Wark?" it said again.

"Aw!" Rogue said. It was an adorable giant bird. Its black button eyes blinked at her. Its cute beak smiled. When she reached out a hand to pet it, it tried to bite her. She smacked it with the flat of the sword.

The giant bird (or what Rogue was guessing was the "before" version of the Kentucky Fried Chocobo) was bridled and tied to a tree. Rogue untied the bird and drew the reins over its head. She pulled herself onto its fluffy back. She steered it deeper into the jungle.

Rogue had no idea where the Harpy camp might be as she had not seen anything of this island beyond the temple walls. She figured she'd have to wait until dawn before she could get her bearings. In the meantime, she would let the bird take her as far away from the temple and the volcano as possible. They trotted along at a brisk pace and the temple walls and volcano receded behind them. The earth still trembled as the eruption fumed in the distance.

The bird halted at the edge of a cliff. Rogue guided the bird along it. Now free from the jungle growth she could see the island spread out below her, glowing silver in the moonlight. Ahead was a sparkling line of light; a waterfall cascading over the cliff to a dark pool below. Rogue nudged the bird forward towards it. She made it walk slowly as the ground beneath them was still rumbling, sending bits of earth and dirt tumbling off the side of the cliff. The gentle rocking of the bird's gate did nothing for the situation going on in Rogue's pants. Rogue wondered if she shouldn't stop for the night and try to sleep off the effects of this libidinal experience.

Something clattered into the path before her. It was a crumpled up Solo cup. She stared at it for a moment. From the interior of the forest came a loud, long belch followed by raucous laughter. As she looked along the path, she spied more cups as well as smashed beer cans.

From the forest she heard a chant ring out: "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

The hair on Rogue's arms raised as gooseflesh prickled her skin. "C'mon!" she hissed to the bird and urged it forward with her heels. "Hurry!"

The bird trotted forward along the path, its large feet sent several Solo cups clattering over one another. Then the chanting from the jungle ceased and was replaced with a cry that sent Rogue's heart pounding with fear.

"WOOOOOOOO!"

FADE TO BLACK

ACT FOUR

Scene F

FADE IN:

EXT. RIVERSIDE PATH, PARADISE ISLAND, MURDERWORLD – NIGHT

"Y'know, I'd like t'go at least an hour wit'out getting soaked through t'de bone," Gambit complained. "I'm about t'grow gills here."

Spat and Gambit were caught in a sudden torrential tropical rainstorm. They were taking shelter beneath a broad-leafed tree. Occasionally, a stream of water would pour down onto them from above as if from a spout.

"What are you complaining about?" Spat griped. "You're not in a fur bikini. I smell like a wet dog."

Lightening momentarily lit the duo in harsh blue-white light. Thunder cracked the sky. Gambit and Spat sat with their backs against the tree, waiting out the storm.

"I can't believe you signed up to be here," Gambit said to Spat.

"As you've mentioned several times," Spat responded. "But look at it from my point of view... adventure, tropical locale, decent pay, fame...and the chance to meet a nice guy."

"You came here to meet a man?" Gambit asked incredulously. "That's kinda...desperate."

Spat had her legs drawn up with her elbows resting on her knees. "You don't know what it's like out there," she said, staring out at the rain. "It's not like I haven't tried to find the right guy. You know there's this website to help you meet people...Plenty of Fish, it's called. What they should have called it was Deadliest Catch. There are some real nutso fish out there, and I've had to throw all of 'em back."

"Maybe you're tryin' too hard. I'd heard that love finds you. That de moment you stop lookin' is when you find what you're lookin' for," Gambit said.

"That's all well and good for you to say," Spat responded. "You have someone."

"I don't," Gambit told her. "Rogue and I are Splitsville."

Spat turned her head to regard him. "Really? I'm-I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah...well..." Gambit said, picking apart a fallen leaf.

"So...what happened?" she asked.

"I might've broke it off wit' her," Gambit replied.

"Why?" Spat asked. "I got the impression you were more than a little crazy about her."

Gambit sighed. "Our relationship was on life support. Someone had t'pull de plug. I could tell she wanted an out."

"Ouch," Spat said. "That sucks."

He shrugged and tossed the leaf stem onto the ground. "Rogue's sort of an...internal person. Spends a lot of time thinkin' to herself. I felt pretty much lonely even when I was wit' her. And you're right...I like attention. Female attention."

"Who's the desperate one now?" Spat asked.

"I know I wasn't de greatest boyfriend ever. But I do want her t'be happy. So de worst thing wasn't de breakup part," Gambit continued. "De worst was seein' how easily replaced I was. Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time lettin' things go. I can't wrap my head around just pickin' up and movin' on wit' someone else so quick."

"Maybe your relationship dragged out too long. Maybe she had enough time to fall out of love with you," Spat countered.

"Thanks, Spat. That makes me feel real good." They listened to the rain fall and the thunder rumble for a moment or two.

Spat finally answered: "I wish I could say it'll get better... but you know, I wonder that it isn't our line of work that's making it so hard to find the right person."

Gambit said: "I just saw a bi-racial, human/mutant, homosexual couple get married in Central Park. If they are able to make it work, I don't see why a mercenary and a thief can't find love."

Spat stared at the side of Gambit's face for a moment. "So...you're back to being a thief? What happened to the X-Men job?"

Gambit looked over at her. "Oh...nothin'. I'm still wit' 'em, for de most part," he paused. "But I do think t'myself sometimes that maybe I should leave."

"You're quitting?" she asked.

"I was going t'call it a 'resignation,'" he corrected. "'Cause that about sums up how I feel right now."

"Just because you broke up with Rogue doesn't mean you should just turn tail and run, Remy," Spat said.

Gambit shook his head dismissively. "My entire life doesn't revolve around Rogue," he said. "Though sometimes it seems that way. No. This is more about de way things are goin'. Used t'be there was a pretty clear enemy t'fight. I mean, we all had our own personal differences, but then we'd at least be on de same page when it came to major issues. It felt like a family. Seems like nowadays we spend most of our time fightin' wit' each other. Cuttin' each other down when we should be holdin' each other up. Now it really is like a family...my actual real family, what wit' de infighting and de grudges and the backstabbin' and de yelling."

"Must be a real fun time around the holidays," Spat said.

"At least at de holidays it's socially acceptable to start drinkin' at ten a.m.," he said. "And when I'm back in N'Orleans, my family comes t'gether to agree on one thing-that everything is my fault. I need t'get away from it."

Spat nudged him with her shoulder. "Well, hey. If you ever want to partner up sometime...like the old days, let me know. It'll beat having to babysit for my sister. Those kids of hers are holy terrors, let me tell you. And of course she never fails to remind me that I don't know anything about children as I'm not a mother myself."

"D'you really mean that?" Gambit asked her.

"Yes, my sister can be a real smug b-word. And her kids are certified brats. Possibly demonically possessed."

"No, I mean about the partner up part. Considerin' our track record," Gambit clarified.

"I'm actually a little concerned about you going off on your own," Spat told him. "You're kind of a dum-dum sometimes, Remy. You need someone to help you strategize."

Gambit stared at her, his mouth set in a frown with his lower lip stuck out a bit.

Spat continued: "But you take direction well-with a unique interpretation. And you're able to take on a role and make it completely your own. Kind of like a cajun Robert Downey, Jr."

Gambit continued to stare.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm waitin' for de part where you say somethin' nice about me t'make me want to team up wit' you," he informed her.

"I did say something nice. I said: you're like Robert Downey, Jr."

"That's not necessarily a compliment," Gambit told her. "That guy always struck me as kind of a jerk."

Spat sighed. "Okay, what I meant to say was that I think you're talented, charming, funny, and handsome. But don't feel bad about the jerk part. A lot of women seem to like jerks."

Gambit agreed. "Tell me about it. I hear women sayin' they're just lookin' for a nice guy. But then I know two perfectly nice guys and I couldn't tell you de last time either of them had been on a date."

Spat blinked. "Wait...you know two nice guys...? Single nice guys?"

"Yeah. Bobby and Sam. They're single, nice, from traditional families, educated, tax-payin', Christian American men," Gambit told her.

Spat looked doubtful. "They must be ogres or something," she said.

Gambit shook his head. "No. Good-looking. Like in a wholesome kind of way."

Spat's eyes narrowed. "So what's wrong with them? Seven previous marriages? Are they baby-daddies? Heaps of emotional baggage?"

"No, none of that as far as I can tell," Gambit responded. "One's a Yankee though."

"Did it ever occur to you that they might be gay?" Spat guessed.

"It did. But I asked Jean-Claude and he said they weren't. Right after he got done yellin' at me about panderin' to stereotypes."

Spat said: "I have dealt with alternate dimensions, space aliens, clones, and magic spells. And what you're telling me now is the most unbelievable thing I have ever heard. Two single, unattached, good-looking men exist in the world."

"It's true. But like you said, women like jerks."

Spat rolled her eyes. "All I meet are jerks. You would not believe what I have had to put up with. One of those jerks actually texted me a photo of his penis. No comments, no information regarding the penis. Just a penis. Another one opened with the clever remark, and I quote: 'I'd like to taste you.' Tell me, who does that?*"

"It must be de modern adult male equivalent of pushing a girl down on de playground," Gambit said.

"Well, it's gross. And from what you're telling me, Bobby and Sam sound too good to be true. They're probably into some kind of Fifty Shades of Grey kinky sex stuff," Spat complained.

"I have no idea, nor would I want to," Gambit replied. "But maybe when we get out of here, I could set you up or something."

Spat folded her hands and twiddled her thumbs for a bit. "I don't know, Remy. They sound a bit out of my league. I don't think I can handle any more rejection."

"See, you're all ready settin' yourself up t'fail. They wouldn't reject you, they're too polite. They're all ready housebroke. You won't have t'chase 'em down and put 'em in a cage or anything."

"Hey. I didn't want to put those meatheads in the cage," Spat said defensively. "It's just that some of the girls at the camp kept falling for the same guys over and over again. Then it was all: Why doesn't he call me? Why doesn't he respect me? And I was all: Oh, I dunno. Because you picked him up in that skeevy sandbar area that's crawling with crabs and you slept with him within hours of meeting him? Ugh. I locked those guys up hoping to keep the girls out of trouble. They're really sweet girls. I hate seeing them get hurt."

"You can't make decisions for other people, even if they're makin' de wrong decisions. You just have to let them make 'em and hope they figure it out on their own. It's easy t'see de problems wit' other people's relationships when you're on de outside. Less easy when you're de one caught in de middle of it," Gambit told her.

"You've gone all Dr. Phil on me, Remy," Spat said.

"He's always on in de teachers' lounge when classes let out," Gambit said.

"The rain's letting up a bit. You ready to climb?" Spat asked.

Gambit looked out at the rain. "I think you're bein' optimistic about de weather situation, but yes. Let's get going. I hope nothin's happened to Rogue."

They crept out from under the tree and onto a rocky path that ran alongside the river. "She should be okay up at Temple Big-Schlong. I don't think they'd hurt her. The show depends on her."

"That Captain puts off a creeper vibe," Gambit said, picking his way carefully over the rain-slicked rocks. "And why d'you keep calling it Temple Big-Schlong?"

"Wait'll you see it," Spat said. "This huge thing they've erected up there. It's like a monument to how awesome they think they are. I think the Captain is totally overcompensating for something."

Beside them the swollen river rushed past. The water became more and more turbulent as they went. The ground beneath their feet also began to slope upward. Soon they were finding that they had to walk with the aid of their hands. They came upon a deep pool. A waterfall tumbled down from the cliff above to plunge into the dark water. A fine mist swirled through the air. Gambit and Spat couldn't get wetter however; they were both rain-soaked, their hair falling in wet tendrils, their clothing damp and clinging. Beneath their feet they could feel the steady trembling of the earth. Rocks occasionally broke free from the cliff to clatter down the slopes and into the pool.

"We're going up there, are we?" Gambit said doubtfully.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Spat told him. "There's a little sandy pathway that switches back and forth between the rocks. It takes awhile, but it puts us out right behind the temple."

Gambit followed Spat as she squeezed past a boulder to the path she described. "What are you going to do when you get back?" Spat asked him.

"Hopefully dry off," Gambit responded. "Then maybe watch some television, have a drink, and take a nap."

"I meant in the long-run," Spat said. "And I can't believe you'd actually want to watch TV after all this."

"Maybe I'll read a book. That ought t'take me about a year. But I'm also supposed t'go on a date."

"Good luck and godspeed," Spat said. "It's a jungle out there."

Something clattered down the cliff above. It bounced down from stone to stone and finally came to a rattling halt in the path several yards ahead. "What's that?" Gambit asked.

They approached the object. It was a red Solo cup.

"Uh, oh," Spat said. She picked up the cup and sniffed its interior. "This is bad."

"What's bad about it? Does it smell like Coors?"

"Worse," she said. "Cheap tequila. Bottom shelf for sure."

Gambit looked up at the cliff. "Are those meatheads up there?"

"Looks like. I'm actually surprised none of them have tried jumping off the cliff into the pool yet. That usually happens when you hear-."

"WOOOOOOO!" rang out and echoed along the cliff walls.

"Oh, here it comes," Spat said. They waited, but no one jumped.

Gambit and Spat looked at one another at a loss. "They must be doing keg stands or something," Spat guessed.

Then they heard: "Mo-tor-boat! Mo-tor-boat! Mo-tor-boat!"**

Spat gasped.

"What? What does that mean?" Gambit asked.

"It means they've spotted a woman with big boobs," Spat said and tossed aside the cup.

Gambit drew a quick panicked breath and then began to run up the path.

"Oh no!" he said, then cried out: "ROOOGUE!"

FADE OUT

*All examples cited are based on actual real-life events. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. Except you, Paul Skruggs. You ass.

** Also based on real-life events. And why I won't be going to any more of Tommy's parties.

***Hey, y'all! Thanks for the reviews! Chellerbelle, I'm ecstatic that your friend recommended this disaster to you...are you sure he or she is really your friend? LOL. JasmineBella, if you'd like to remember Spat, hearken back to the infamous Uncanny X-Men #350. She also appears in the first Gambit ongoing series, when he re-ages her to her current Barely Legal status. She's usually seen in the company of a dinosaur-thingy named Grovel.

Also, if it isn't completely obvious by now, the Captain is Murderworld's version of Magneto. Though if I have to explain that, I'm probably not doing my job very well.