L-2, like the other colonies, possessed climate control. The temperature remained a consistent 75 degrees. Some might wonder why so low. The reason being, the colony was formed by metal and machines. Overheating was a real possibility if the space was too warm. Even 75 degrees was pushing the limits, but concessions had to be given for the colonists.
The temperature barely registered to Heero as he stood in the muted lighting of the street. Automated lighting simulated day and night on similar rotations as Earth. It wasn't exactly like Earth, not even close, but it at least gave the semblance of routine for the colonies.
Lifting a hand to his brow, he clenched his fingers into a tight enough fist that a wetness began to seep through and ooze against his face. Only then, did he pull his hand back and stare at the crescent shaped cuts in his palm along with thick smears of crimson blood. Shaking wracked his body and his mind swirled with despair. He'd hurt Duo. It didn't matter that it was the result of a dream/flashback or that it had been unintentional. He had hurt him and that alone was worth all his personally directed disgust. All the medication in the world would not stop his self-loathing.
His psychiatrist was right. He needed to be institutionalized. He wasn't fit to live amongst the normal people, if he had ever been. If he could hurt one of the only people that he cared for, then what would he do to a stranger? What would he do if his mind finally broke under the strain of remnants of the Zero program and his lifetime of training? It was a question he could easily answer. If it came to the life of Duo and the millions of people living out their lives on Earth, he would destroy the planet a hundred times over. That one answer was what frightened everyone. It was why he had refused Lady Une's request for field work time and again. If he was barely fit to even walk amongst people, then what monster would be released if a gun was placed in one hand and a kill order in the other?
The small phone in his pocket beeped incessantly. Instinct had refused to allow him to leave the small device behind. A quick glance at the face showed Duo's name flashing desperately. He wanted to hear his voice. The shaking in him increased and he fought back the tempting urge to answer. He couldn't face him now, not after what he'd done.
He tapped the ignore symbol and turned his gaze toward the domed roof of L-2. The protective tint hid the brightness of the stars, even with the dimmed inner lights. It was one thing he missed, floating in zero gravity, the hidden windows in his cockpit allowing him to watch the twinkling of long dead stars, their light just reaching his eyes, even though they had expired millennia ago.
His phone chimed again and he fought the urge to throw it as far as his strength would allow. He couldn't face Duo, even if it was only his voice. He pulled the bottle of medication from his pocket, staring at the printed label with disgust. Worthless junk. He was foolish to think it would continue to work for him. No medication worked for long, when they found one that worked at all. His body developed tolerances too quickly. Even the pre-colony medications had only limited effects and those had been failing lately. He'd seen the signs and was too foolish to admit to them.
Staring at his phone for a long moment, he considered his options before sliding his finger in a quick action and scrolling to a familiar name. Pressing the device to his ear, he waited impatiently for a voice to answer.
"Heero?" WuFei's voice was clouded by sleep, but still remained alert.
He swallowed and opened his mouth, only no sound escaped. How could he ask for help when he was unable to bear the thought of asking? Could he bear to give Duo up when he had just had him returned to him?
"Heero?" The voice was clearer, holding a bit of sternness—demanding an answer. "Heero, is something wrong?"
Still he couldn't find the words to fully express what he felt. It was like a dam blocking his vocal acuity. He was almost to the point of hyperventilating from the distress of being unable to express to the one person who he was certain would understand him.
"Heero Yuy…Report."
The underlying sternness in WuFei's voice transformed into an order. It held no trace of concern, but matter-of-factly demanded an answer. The soldier inside him took over and the dam blocking his voice abated as if it was never there.
"Duo Maxwell was injured tonight." It was like he was watching himself from outside his body. His voice sounded cold and unfeeling in his ears, yet he was unable to fully unite his body and soul. He was aware that he sounded mechanical, and yet he could not find the emotion to bring forth. Only Duo could unite his mind, body, and spirit.
"Explain." Again an order, and again he reverted into his solder-self.
"A dream converted into a flashback and caused me to injure him."
"Continue. Why were you sleeping with Maxwell?"
"Irrelevant." The word wavered and a shudder went through him. WuFei was getting too close to personal.
"I'll ask again. Why were you sleeping with Maxwell? Did he do something to set you off?"
Heero ground his teeth together and growled low in his throat. "That is none of your business."
He could almost hear WuFei's smile through the line. "Glad to have you back. Heero…are you taking your medication?"
Heero allowed his bangs to fall over his eyes. "The effects are…ineffective."
"Have you called your psychiatrist?"
Running a hand through his hair, he allowed his silence to speak for him. At this point, there was nothing that could be done for him through therapy, drug or otherwise. He heaved a sigh and dropped down onto a bench on the side of the narrow road.
"I'll take that as a no," sighed WuFei into his ear. "How bad was Maxwell hurt?"
"Bruising and a deep laceration to the thigh." Heero closed his eyes as he remembered cleaning the blood from the cut before stitching it.
"How did it happen?"
"Flashback."
He could almost hear WuFei roll his eyes. "Heero…"
"I threw him across the room. I don't recall all of it. I just thought he was an enemy…Oz." He tried to control his breathing least he revert back into the soldier that had threatened to overcome him only moments ago.
"What did Duo say?" asked WuFei.
Heero paused, silence stretching wide as he thought back to the desperate look into violet eyes. WuFei seemed to take the silence as the answer that it was.
"Damn it, Heero. You need to go back and talk to him."
"There is nothing to say."
"The hell there isn't." He'd rarely heard WuFei curse, though if compared to Duo's quite elaborate selection of curse words, 'hell' was not even one. For WuFei, it was bordering on vulgar.
"It doesn't matter because I'm leaving as soon as the transports start."
WuFei sounded livid. "What? Heero, stop being a damn fool."
"I'm a danger to Duo if I stay. The medication isn't controlling the flashbacks as well as before. I need to be reevaluated. I'm a danger to those around me." To Duo, the final bit left off, though most definitely implied.
"If I'm understanding the situation correctly, Duo is fucking fragile and I don't mean his body. What do you think will happen if you leave him now? I'll be visiting L-2, but not for a reunion. I'll be going for a funeral."
Heero froze at the words, his blood running so cold that it seemed to become like sludge in his veins. "He's stronger now."
"You are either blind or stupid, and we both know your intelligence borders on genius." WuFei was pacing, he could barely hear the sound of feet padding on hardwood flooring. "Listen to me. I'm your friend. We've known each other for over ten years and been through very similar hells. I may not have the same affection for Maxwell, but I do consider him a valued comrade. Maybe given time, I could consider him a friend. And I know, that if I lost what he will when you leave, I don't think I could survive it and I'm not nearly in the fragile state that he's in."
"I'll hurt him again."
"You don't know that," said WuFei quietly.
Heero shook his head. "I do know it. The flashbacks…"
"Don't use excuses. We all have flashbacks. It's something we have to live with. Yours are simply worse than most. I think the only reason Maxwell was hurt, was because he wasn't expecting it. You haven't seen each other in a decade, you can't expect things to be perfect and like you were never apart. It doesn't work like that. Maxwell is damn smart, I'll give him that. He's like a cat and can adapt if you give him a chance."
"I don't think I can stand if I hurt him again."
"You're stronger than that, Heero." He could hear WuFei typing something through their connection. "Listen, I'm at Quatre's place, but I'm going to head on to L-2. I've reserved a seat on the next transport. Don't do anything stupid until I arrive."
"Heero?"
Heero's head jerked up and he saw Duo, looking exhausted, sweat dripping from his face and hair. Even from the distance he could see the way his upper body quivered. If WuFei said anything else, it was lost to him as he was on his feet and nearly running toward Duo.
Glancing over him in a quick assessment, he took in the sweat pants and wrinkled shirt. His hair was messily braided, with strands escaping to frame his face. His breath gasped in and out and his eyes carried a desperate look he hadn't seen since the wars.
"You're fuckin' hard to find," panted Duo. "I searched twelve blocks 'fore I found ya."
Heero frowned at the street slang working its way into Duo's accent. He'd only seen it appear on very rare occasions, once when Duo had gotten ahold of some expensive whiskey during the first war, and again when he was doped up on pain meds after being wounded during a mission.
"Duo?"
"I'm fine." Duo waved a hand as if to shoo away any thoughts that he was more than capable. Heero was not fooled.
"You do not look fine." Heero took his wrist between his fingers and measured the racing pulse, while taking in the pallor of skin and cold sweat.
Duo took offence and jerked his hand away. "Stop it. 'm fine. Jus tired."
"Then why has your accent changed?"
"Whus it matter ta ya? It's who I am." Duo stared intently at him from his chair, defiant as ever. Heero nearly laughed.
"Yes, it is."
Duo relaxed slightly, his body slumping in his chair. "Comes out when I'm worried."
"I'm sorry." There was nothing else he could say.
"Yeah, well, if I woke up next to me, I'd freak out too."
The words had barely left Duo's lips before Heero was in his face, anger radiating from every pore in his being. "Don't you dare think that!"
Anger was a strange emotion for him. It was hard to control because he was not used to feeling it. His training had taken his anger and redirected it. Strong emotions such as anger and hate were not useful in battle. They clouded the mind and endangered the mission. Duo even suggesting that he was anything but perfect in his eyes brought forth that rare emotion in such a heavy rush that he thought for an instant he might hurt Duo for even thinking it.
"It's true. Literally half a man. Scarred all to hell, looking like shit. Hell, ten years ago, running twelve blocks wouldn't have even winded me. Now, I can't even roll myself half that distance without nearly giving out. I'm definitely not going to win any contests." Duo's voice had very little emotion as he spoke matter-of-factly.
"No, it is not." Heero wrapped an arm around Duo's waist and lifted him so that his legs dangled, using the strength of his arms to keep him aloft and their faces close enough that they could feel each other's breaths on their cheeks.
"Put me down." Duo's hands clenched at Heero's arms with surprising strength.
"No." He tightened his grip and buried his face into Duo's damp neck, smelling the sweat and fear and relief. He was lost without Duo, but he was too afraid to keep him. Damnation was his in either situation and it burned a deep hole in his stomach. How much he had changed since the days when his emotions were held back beneath a curtain of righteous duty.
"Heero." Duo's desperate grip on his arms loosened and the thin arms slipped around his neck, holding him just as close.
Heero's breath escaped him in soft puffs and the fear and desperation abated ever so slightly. Duo was in his arms. He could hurt him…would hurt him, again and again; and yet he did not care. He could not find the strength to care when his tattered soul was being soothed by the balm of Duo's presence. Years apart had done nothing but cause him to revel in his regrets.
"I hate you," Duo whispered against his neck.
Heero nodded his head and held him even tighter, his body trying once more to be absorbed into Duo. The only true peace he had ever known was in Duo's arms. After last night, after the release of all his frustrations, both physically and emotionally, he had never had such a restful ease in dropping off to sleep.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again.
"I'm not weak, Heero." Duo pulled back enough so that their gazes could meet. "I can take a beating and give as good as I get. I know how to handle myself, so you don't have to be an idiot about it. You're fucked up. I'm fucked up. This whole damn world is fucked up. No one who lived through the wars is ever going to be right. This world won't be free of this shit until we're all dead and gone and nothing but a paragraph in a student's history book. Hell, I'd be surprised if we even make it that far. I think History would rather forget all about use and what we did. Probably be better if it did. I sure as hell wish I could."
"It's not so simple."
Duo shook his head. "Nope, not so simple. Listen, put me back in the chair and let's talk like we should have before you went all crazy and stormed out. I'm not going to lie, dangling like this isn't the most comfortable position for me anymore."
Heero eyed the chair. He wasn't ready to release his hold on Duo and return him to that chair, so instead of following the request, he scooped an arm beneath limp legs and lifted him bridal style. The squawk of indignation was ignored as he carried him to the bench and settled down with Duo on his lap.
Duo's grumbling was ignored, but at least they were both more comfortable. He waited for Duo to speak, afraid to start.
"What happened was my fault," said Duo, finally breaking the silence between them once more.
Heero's body gave a jerk. "No."
"Hear me out. I've gotten…complacent. I've let myself go dull. I wasn't thinking. I should have let you work yourself out of your dream like I did back in the day. I wasn't so stupid to ever wake you back then and I should have known better now. I just…I didn't want you to have to relive whatever it was you were dreaming. I didn't want you to have to see it again because if it's anything like what I dream, you would do whatever it took to make it stop."
Heero clenched his jaw and thought back to the dream. He could do nothing else but recall the horrors he had brought. Good. Evil. During war, they were nothing but a matter of perspective. In his eyes, what they did was a good and necessary thing…but to the family of Oz personnel, they were an evil. It was not the act of killing that haunted him, for such was the nature of war. What continued to plague him was the knowledge of his own distance from it. He had killed with little remorse. And that haunted him more than anything. Yes, Oz had done evil things—war crimes if there were really such a thing. But still, had the side he fought for done any different?
"I was stupid and it won't happen again. Just…don't…leave me alone. I'm stupid. I let you get close again. I was at the point where I could die and welcome it with relief. But now, I can't do it and it's your fucking fault, so don't you dare leave me alone to this. We're gonna work this out because I refuse to let you leave me in this hell again after pulling me back." Duo clenched a fist into Heero's shit before slamming their lips together in a brutal kiss.
It was less a kiss and more a desperate and violent plea to be understood. Heero tasted blood, and drew back to see a small split in Duo's lip where his teeth had accidentally cut him in that forceful coming together. Without thinking, he leaned forward and stroked his tongue across the faint trickle of crimson, tasting the coppery flavor of fresh blood.
Duo moaned and angled his head so that Heero had easier access. When the bleeding stopped, Heero pulled back enough to stare into violet eyes. He was broken…so very broken. How could he stay and what could he offer another who was just as broken as him? The other question that spiraled through his mind was just as painfully difficult. How could he leave?
Duo pulled back as much as he could, their eyes never breaking the connection. He moved so quickly, Heero never saw the fist coming. His head snapped to the side with more force than he thought Duo possessed. "Don't ever fucking do that again," growled Duo in a voice very much reminiscent of the Death God Gundam pilot he had once known.
No more words were spoken after that. Neither had any fight left in them for physical or verbal sparring. Duo was as limp as a noodle as he reluctantly returned him to his chair. He didn't even fight when Heero took hold of the handles and propelled him down the sidewalk toward his house.
As they entered the house, he looked down to find Duo deeply asleep. The shadows beneath his eyes created a sickly appearance on his face. He was wearing his exhaustion for all to see. And it shamed him.
As carefully as he could, he lifted Duo from the chair and carried him to his bed, settling him as best he could. He so desperately wanted to join him, but fear still churned inside him and he refused to allow himself to hurt Duo again that night but was afraid to leave him. He had to settle with making a thin pallet on the floor against the wall with a few blankets and pillows. It was nothing compared to the places he had slept in the past and it took only a few moments until he adjusted to the hard floor.
Closing his eyes, he listened to the faint snores coming from the bed and smiled. This reminded him of years past when he and Duo would share space. Just the sound of his breathing was a comfort and brought back the few moments of peace he had known while the world collapsed around them.
oOo
The sound of loud knocking roused Heero immediately. His eyes flew open and his hand instantly reached for the gun that was not there. It took several moments before he could process where he was and more importantly what had happened the previous night. When he heard Duo stirring from where he still slept, he was on his feet and moving as silent as a cat toward the door, ready to send away whomever it was so Duo could continue to rest.
The door was pulled open and the sight greeting him was not what he had expected. Three men stood before him, one looking slightly annoyed. WuFei, he immediately noticed was glaring at a slightly taller, blond sporting a neatly trimmed beard and bright smile upon seeing Heero.
"Heero, my friend. It's been too long."
Quatre Raberba Winner was a force to be reckoned with. A tall slender man with light brown hair and kind eyes stood solemnly behind Quatre and WuFei. He knew him. He knew all of them. They were all here. They had come.
"I'm sorry, Heero. I tried to sneak out." WuFei brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Damn Maganacs reported to him before I was even out of the building."
Heero had no doubt that he had tried. He should have known this would happen eventually. His solitary time with Duo was at its end. The five original Gundam pilots were about to be reunited, whether he wanted it or not.
