Chapter 12
The next morning, Daryl felt her move beside him. He opened his eyes and saw her trying to stretch out. He realized they hadn't moved all night and Daryl could only guess at how sore she must have been. Beth attempted to roll onto her back causing pain in almost every part of her body. She squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed a cry. She did not want him to know how much pain she was in.
"Beth…" he began.
"I'm fine," she whispered. Daryl knew it was the furthest thing from the truth.
"It's ok," Daryl soothed, sitting up beside her. "You don't have to hide it from me."
She kept her eyes closed, biting her lip to keep from shouting out. She laid still, letting the pain subside to a dull ache. She tried to take deep, long breaths, but she couldn't. Her lungs refused to fill with the air she desperately needed. She started to cough. The hacking cough made her insides hurt. She rolled onto her side, trying to get in a better position to breathe. Daryl didn't know what to do; how he should act. Without really thinking about what he was doing, he began to rub her back slowly, being careful to avoid the cut he had dressed before.
She gasped at his touch, able to feel his warm hand through her thin shirt. She knew he was trying to do the right thing. He was trying to soothe her, but it had the opposite effect. It all came back to her. The darkness of the kennel. The sound of Joe's voice. The feeling of his hands on her back, on her stomach, on her legs, face, everywhere. The smell of his breath. The disgust of having him all over her, inside of her, it was too much to bear.
"No!" She shouted, pushing away from him. She tried to scramble off the bed, but her body protested. Daryl immediately took his hands off of her.
"I'm sorry," he said.
She curled herself into the tightest ball possible as far away from him as possible, ignoring the pain.
"Please…" she begged although she wasn't sure what she was begging for. Please leave me alone? Please don't leave me? Please take the pain and the memories away? Please just hold me?
"What can I do?"
"Just…give me a minute. Please."
"Ok."
Daryl stood up. He watched her as her body began to shake with convulsions. She made no noise, but she couldn't stop the physical reaction to the pain and emotions she was feeling. Daryl wanted to wrap his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder like she had the night before, but he knew she needed to work through her emotions on her own and he had to let her.
Daryl backed out of the room, not taking his eyes off of her until he reached the hallway. He left the door open and backed up against the opposite wall so that he could still see her. He slid down the wall, bending his knees and stopping in a squatting position. He hated seeing her in so much pain. He wished there were someone else there; a woman maybe. Maybe a woman would be able to help her. Maggie or Carol or even Michonne. He felt useless.
He watched her and listened as she tried to control her cries. After a few minutes, she had quieted down and her body had stopped shaking and had started to relax. Daryl wondered if maybe she had fallen asleep again.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
Daryl barely heard her and took it as a sign that she was ready to have him return. He made his way back into the room. As he approached the bed, she began to roll over towards him. As she moved, he could see the blood stain on her back had fresh blood on it. With all of her moving, her wound had opened up more and was still bleeding.
"You don't gotta be sorry," he responded. He gathered the medical supplies he had used the night before and put them on the bed
"I just can't seem to…forget."
"And you don't gotta explain." He paused. "Unless you…want to…talk about it."
She shook her head. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about it. All she wanted to do was forget.
"Looks like that cut on your back opened up. I wanna check it out when you feel like you can sit up. I dressed it last night, but it could probably use a fresh look."
Beth nodded. She pushed herself up, cringing as she moved. She turned and dangled her legs over the side of the bed so Daryl had access to her back. She attempted to lift the back of her shirt up, but couldn't move her arms without instant pain. She cried out.
"It's ok, I got it," Daryl said.
She tried to close off her mind. She tried to tell herself to be strong and to forget what happened to her, but she couldn't. It was as if everything that had happened to her was still happening.
He kneeled on the bed behind her. Gently, lifted the back of her shirt up and looked at the cut. The bandage he had put on the night before was soaked through with blood. The cut was deeper than he realized. He pulled the bandage off, knowing that peeling the gauze off her gaping wound would not feel good. She didn't even make a noise. He looked down at the medical supplies he had. It wasn't enough.
"Is it bad?" She asked, trying to get her mind off the image of Joe's face.
"Thought I could just bandage it, but…it's gotta get sewn up, Beth. It's too deep. I gotta find a needle and thread."
She shook her head. "No."
"I know it's gonna hurt, but it's the only way. Otherwise it's gonna keep bleedin'. I gotta…" She shook her head again. She could still see the images in her mind and she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take the feeling or the smell. "Beth…"
"It's not the pain," Beth practically shouted, forcing her eyes open.
Daryl was taken aback by her outburst. "I don't understand."
Beth knew he was only trying to help. He was trying to take care of her, but she knew he would never understand. He would never know what it was like to have something taken from you that you can never get back.
She turned to look at him. "I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help. I just…" She stopped, unsure of how to explain herself.
"Just what, Beth?"
"I...I just...I need...I need to feel...clean."
Daryl cursed himself. He should have thought of trying to clean her up the night before while was asleep. He at least should have gotten the dried blood off her face.
"I'll get you a washcloth and…"
"That's not…it's not the blood or the dirt. It's...him. I can still...feel him on me, Daryl. I can still...smell him. I can still...taste him."
Daryl felt that familiar feeling of anger pass through him. He knew Joe was dead. He knew there was nothing he could do about what happened to her, but that didn't stop him from getting angry. He had hurt her on Daryl's watch.
"I'll go down to the lake. Get you some water. You can take a bath."
Beth shook her head. She hadn't realized what getting clean was going to cost her and him.
"No. I can't ask you to do that. It's too dangerous. You haven't had time to properly scout the place. I'm fine...I'll be fine. I just have to...forget about it and..."
"I'm gonna get you that water, Beth, but I gotta fix you up first. I'll just wrap it up for now, then we'll take care of it after your bath. Ok?"
She nodded. Daryl dressed her wound, being as gentle as possible. When he was done, he stood up and grabbed his crossbow. He glanced over, making sure Beth's knife was still on the bedside table where he had left it. The gun was there too.
"You don't need to go," she said in a near whisper. "I'll be fine."
"It'll only take a little while and I'll be careful."
"Daryl…"
"Beth, you need…"
"Please don't go," she begged quietly. She bowed her head so she couldn't see him. She concentrated instead on her fingers. She began to pick at her finger nails, something she hadn't done since she was a kid.
As much as she wanted to be clean, she also didn't want him to leave her. She had grown up so much in the past year. She had learned how to protect herself and how to kill walkers quickly and efficiently. But there she sat - afraid to be alone.
Daryl could see the fear in her eyes. It had taken only one moment and one man to take away her confidence. She was more vulnerable in that moment than she had ever been before; even when he had first met her on the farm.
Daryl reached over, placing two fingers under her chin. He applied a small amount of pressure, trying to get her to look at him. She finally did. There were tears welling in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.
"It's ok," he assured her. "It's ok to cry."
"No it isn't."
"Beth…"
"Please don't go. I know I'm being weak and I don't want to be, but…"
"You're not weak. You're scared. That's different. You've been through something terrible. It's ok to be scared. But you can't allow that fear to stop you or us from doin' what we gotta do, Beth. You're strong. If you weren't, you never would have made it through that. I need you to keep being strong for me, Beth. Can you do that?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"Ok."
He helped her lay back down against the pillows. He grabbed an extra pillow and placed it under her bad foot, propping it up a little.
"You splinted my foot," she observed. "With rulers." She gave him a weak smile.
"It's all I could find," he said. "I broke my arm once while Merle and I were out huntin'. He ripped up the bottom of his shirt and got two sticks to splint my arm. If he hadn't done that, I don't think my arm ever woulda healed. It ain't as good as a cast, but it'll help."
"Thank you."
"Your knife's right there," Daryl said. Beth glanced over to the bedside table. "Just in case."
"Are you sure you're…"
"I'll be fine." He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll be back soon."
He turned to leave.
"Daryl?"
He turned back around. "Yeah?"
"I left…a book in other bedroom. Could you…"
He smiled. "Harry Potter number three? Thought those books were for twelve year olds."
"It'll help pass the time while you're gone."
"I got somethin' better."
Daryl walked over to his bag and pulled out a book. He threw it on the bed. Beth picked it up.
"Number two?" She asked. "How did you…where did you?"
"Found it in someone's house," Daryl answered. "Picked it up for you to give to you when I found you again. Thought you might want to read 'em in order."
"Thank you."
"I'll be back," he said before he left the room.
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you for reading!
