Chapter 11

Hermione had avoided Severus all weekend, taking the time to prepare what she would say to him the next time they met. She knew she wanted to be with him, and felt she could handle an unrequited love. She didn't want him to feel awkward around her but she didn't want him to avoid her either.

On Sunday evening, after dinner, she decided that she had to give him her speech then, otherwise the moment would be lost.

As she and her friends finished their last peice of dessert, she told her friends that she had to swing by the Potion's classroom before going upstairs to study.

Ron was the only one to question this, "Why do you need to go?"

"Potion's question."

He nodded, as if telling himself this was a legitimate response.

Ginny looked to her friend, "Do you want us to wait for you outside?"

Although neither girl had discussed the younger one's actions Friday night, Ginny had gone back to her normal, heterosexual self, around her brother and boyfriend. Hermione still felt awkward with the girl and made sure she was never alone with her.

"Well, if all of you don't mind?" she asked, hoping Ron and Harry would stay with Ginny. They agreed, and walked her to the Potion's room.

When they got there, they decided to stay outside and let Hermione go on by herself. Hermione walked inside, the scent of burnt roots from earlier that day filled her lungs, as she closed the door behind her.

Her professor sat at his desk, his eyes moving to the corners of his eyelids as he read three tests at once and his wand marking them as he told it the marks. He stopped when he heard her footsteps in his deadly silent room.

"Hermi-"

She put a finger to her lips and pointed to the door. He understood and used the WORD HBP on the door.

He walked past his desk and enraped his arms over her. She smiled at the warm gesture, feeling his crooked nose against her cheek and his hot breath on her neck. He pulled away from her, about to spoil her with ripe kisses, when she stepped back from him.

"Severus, I don't have much time," she said, gulping down her fears and trying to steady her heart.

"I wasn't going to suggest we do anything," he assured her and she could hear the honesty in his voice and it made her cringe. She felt like a criminal, yearning for him yet pushing him away in such fashions.

"Severus, we need to discuss what I said to you the other night."

He nodded, whether simply understanding her or from having his own plans to do the same, she couldn't tell, but she wouldn't let that stop her.

She cleared her throat and explained, "Severus, what I said...is how I feel. But" she held up her hand so that he wouldn't interrupt her from what she needed to say, "I can hide those feelings, I'll be it, some days better than others, Thrusday night was definately one of the others--But that's just how it is. I love you and I can't change that but I understand that I don't mean that to you. You are a lot older than me and an actual relationship isn't what you want, espically with someone so young. And since you don't want a relationship than I don't either." She sighed, hoping, if nothing else, he heard the next part of her speech. "I just don't want to loose you, loose what we have, I don't want to drift away from you. Not yet." She bit her lip, trying to hold in her tears but not having very much luck. "Please, I'll ignore my feelings, I won't tell you anything about what I'm feeling. I just want...I just...I'm not ready to loose you, Severus."

She burst into tears and would have run out of the room had he not acted quickly and thrown himself at her. She gulped down her tears and rubbed her delicate face into his old robes.

"Me either." He whispered, his voice showing the same low emotions she was feeling. He held her tightly to his chest, his breathing becomming eratic as he found it troublsome to breath. "I'm not ready either," he tried to say and felt her whimper into his clothing.

Still holding her, he tried to say what he felt, something he hadn't done in years. The rejection from his family and friends had always taught him to keep his feelings bottled up, never expressing them to anyone. But here he felt he had to do something, he had to tell her how he felt, the problem was he wasn't sure how to say it.

"Hermione, I don't know how I feel about you. You're not something I want to loose but I just don't know if its love." His mind practically kicked itself. Idiot, shut up now, you're making it worse.

He tried again, "I mean I do have feelings for you." Good.

"I just don't know what they are..." Uh...Try a different approach.

"I mean, I've never loved someone before, well that's a lie."

Stop.

"I used to, well I don't know if I ever stopped, but I used to love a woman." Stop. Now.

"Atleast I thought I loved her." Slightly better.

"But then I started feeling things for you." Keep going.

"And those things weren't what I was feeling for her." Shut up. Shut up.

He gulped down a wad of spit, wondering if he should listen to his mind like he'd done all his life or his heart. He took a dive and risked the latter.

Pulling Hermione away from him he looked upon her face, he could tell what he was saying wasn't making her feel good about herself. He decided to explain.

"Hermione, if what I felt for her was love than I don't think I love you." She bit her lip, about to exhaut a rush of tears. He rushed to finish his thought, "But, if what I do feel for you is love than that means I never loved that other woman." She thought about this, her expression confused. "Which would mean that you are the only person in my life who I have ever loved." This seemed to prevent her from crying again, but, the intellilect realized, from the way his speech had been going, that there would be something to counter this statement.

And she was right.

"But if that is true than that means that everything I have ever done in my life was a waste. That I was wrong in doing every little thing possible for that woman. The problem is, I'm not willing to admit that yet. To admit that my life's work was all for nothing. That it was a meaningless sham is something that I'm just not ready for, just yet."

That was it. That was how he felt. He enjoyed the lightheartedness that his heart felt at releasing all those thoughts. However, he could tell that Hermione wasn't jumping for joy for what he had said. He waited for her to reply.

It took a while but in some time he heard her soft whisper say, "I need some time."

His face fell. How could she say such a thing after saying she didn't want to loose him? However, he only nodded for her to know that he understood.

"It's not just that I think this is awkward, it's other things. I just realized Friday how much I lost contact with my friends. I need to rebuild that and this week my friends are making it a Mione week, before the trip to Hogesmeade."

The trip. Severus had nearly forgotten the day. He snapped his fingers to get his attention. "Hogesmeade. We shall meet up there and rekindle our love." She looked at him, asking him to continue in more details, searching his mind he tried. "Ah...well you will go with your friends, I'll get a room. By...say five oclock? You come in for a drink, I give you the key. At eight o'clock you go to our room, get comfortable and I join you in a half hour's time."

She considered it, and then nodded. "Yeah, that should be enough time for me to do what I need to do..." neither of them really knew what that was but both pretended they understood.

He held open his arms for her and she accepted the hug. They then moved to the door, showcasing for the hallway audience that they had been discussing a potion's question.

"Thank you for your help Professor."

"Just don't mess it up, Granger."

"I hope I don't Professor." She left before he could counter the statement.


Thanks for reading. i apologize for the delay and the filler chapter. .