AN- HOLY MOLY! UM SERIOUSLY? DO I NOT HAVE THE MOST AWESOME READERS EVER!
Wow, wow, wow! Thank you SO SO SO SO VERY MUCH! To everyone, new and old, to reach even 50 reviews was such a huge milestone, and a gift just to know others were enjoying this story as much as I was enjoying writing it!
But this? THANK YOU!
To all my constant reviewers, a million hugs and kisses (you know who you are and I LOVE YOU!)
To all the new reviewers, I thank you and believe me when I say I read each and every comment you leave me, and I love when you can't help but comment on every chapter (82c10, and Conolrebecca!)
(And just to address a new reviewer, who apparently couldn't stand to even get past chapter 9 , do you feel they need more external conversation? I feel a lot of what is happening in this story is internal, and due to the history of this story, Bella being gone, Jacob dealing with it etc, I felt a lot of the dialogue needed to be within themselves before they could handle each other. I know its quite a few chappies of this, however, my chapters are short and quick and interspersed with dialogue. Let me know. Honesty is appreciated! )
ANYWHO, I want to give all of you a shout out I am just so happy right now!
Anyway, onto the story I suppose! That is what you came here for isn't it?
Prepare for some more fluff, maybe some groping, some intense moments, cuteness, and one shared bed.
P.S. Feel free to review and give me constructive criticism. I always attempt to take changes and use them to better the story!
Jacob closed the bathroom door behind him and paused, leaning his head against the cool wood of the door, sighing heavily to himself.
"What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you fucking doing?" he whispered to himself. Even as he said it though, he couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as he thought of Bella wrapped around him, Bella leaning into him, Bella laughing as he smacked her ass, Bella, Bella, Bella…
Jacob sighed again and ran his hands through his hair.
So, they kept letting things get out of hand, well, physically out of hand, ok, not too much, but she had…Oh geez.
Jacob couldn't even think of Bella's little hand creeping under his pants.
What in the world were they doing?
Jacob was a grown man. He shook his head as he walked to his room.
He knew it was …understandable, right? I mean, they were both adults…He assumed Bella had…ok, no. He refused to think Bella had done ANYTHING with ANYONE. If she had, Jacob firmly swore he would find them and rip off their body parts, specifically the one that he hoped had NOT been in his sweet little Bella.
He chuckled a bit at the thought as he rummaged through his drawers searching for something suitable for her to wear. He knew if it was up to him they would be sleeping al fresco, but, he knew that was NOT on the agenda, for both their sakes. He would treat this like a relationship...
Jacob paused as he held up a shirt.
"Relationship," he said the word out loud experimentally.
Wow. He grinned again and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs, trying very hard not to acknowledge the fact that she would most likely be underwear-less.
He never thought in a million years he would be able to say her name, his name, and that word in the same sentence.
When Bella had vanished, Jacob had slowly let that part of him die, vowing to never think of Bella again. He hadn't really kept his promise, but over time, it had become easier to think of her and feel a sad nostalgia instead of a burning rage.
Yet she had literally come to him with a bleeding heart and a look in her eyes that had brought all those old feelings to the surface and Jacob knew as scared as he was of losing her again, he was NOT turning back.
He wasn't one hundred percent sure of the woman who stood in front of him, this new Bella Swan, but he did know that her feelings for him, at least in this moment of time, were real and present.
He realized with a nervous laugh that he didn't care what the end result of it was. He actually didn't give a damn. He knew if they could make it through this weekend, this rare blessing of a weekend of just him and her and no outside world, that he could die happy knowing Bella Swan was his, if only for a few days.
He laughed out loud again, heading back to the bathroom to deposit her sleepwear for the night. He had come a long way from the days when she left. To be satisfied knowing she might only be his for a few moments, regardless of what she said to the contrary?
Unbelievable, at least by Jacob Black standards.
Yet, as he opened the door and sniffed a bit at the ridiculous amounts of steam billowing in his small bathroom, he knew he would be exactly that: happy and satisfied. He knew it then and there as he placed the clothing on the sink, that it was official.
Jacob Black was insane.
Bella sighed happily as she washed away the last 8 hours of driving. She did feel a little sad in knowing she was washing away the oh so manly smell of Jacob off of her as well, but she figured she could definitely rub herself over him again and get it back.
She smiled as she heard the door groan in opening, only to frown once it shut.
She had half expected a naked Jacob tearing open the shower curtain.
Was it wrong to be this disappointed?
Bella sighed and turned the water off. It seemed impossible to want someone as much as she wanted Jacob. She tried to remember wanting Edward this much as she dried off. With him, it felt almost like a …need?
A burning desire to get it out of her system?
With Jacob…it was…more than just a need.
It was…something that felt essential?
Necessary?
Her want, need, desire for Jacob came from so much deeper than just the feeling of don't tell me I cant have something because it will make me want it more, which is what she in essence, felt with Edward.
It was a want to be as close to him as possible, a want to experience something new and amazing with him, it was a desire to feel every part of him, to feel complete and whole.
Bella smiled as she speedily wiped herself down with the one towel she found hanging off the back of the door. She pulled on the clothing Jacob had left for her, knowing full well she had her own pajamas in the broken duffel bag in the living room.
She didn't care though. She inhaled deeply the collar of the black AC/DC shirt Jacob had laid out for her. It smelled like him. A smell she absolutely loved.
She sighed.
Bella looked into the tiny mirror. All the grime and dirt was washed off, and she looked….
She looked like a teenager again.
However, she felt beautiful standing there in nothing but boxer short thingies, and a t-shirt, hair wet and curly. She felt beautiful because she was in HIS clothing, in HIS bathroom, alone with HIM.
She sighed again and pulled her hair back and with a big smile said to herself, "Here we go."
Jacob had never been more nervous in his entire life. HE of all people had changed out of his sleeping attire about four times, wondering what was acceptable and not forward of him. He finally decided on long plaid flannel pjs, figuring they conveyed a sense of warmth and fuzz, and "I just want to cuddle", instead of what he really felt which was, well, he didn't really need to even think about it what it was he really wanted to do.
So now, he waited, sitting on the edge of his obviously too small bed, a bed he had outgrown even before he had phased, a bed that left his feet and arms dangling off the bed.
It would create for a dangerously close sleep with Bella.
Jacob wondered if he should have tidied up more, if she would notice the pile of boxers, some ripped, some just…used….if she would care about the sad estate of the wood paneling, or the nasty carpet at the bottom of the bed that looked like someone used it as a welcome mat…
But before he could make the decision to clean up and hide some of his less pleasant room asthetics, Bella appeared.
Standing in his doorway, absently rubbing one heel against her shin, arms crossed, a little smile across her face. She looked all different adjectives for a beautiful, perfect woman.
"Hi," she said awkwardly.
Jacob grinned and smiled back just as goofily. "Hi, you look…clean?"
Jacob groaned inwardly at how stupid he sounded.
Apparently, he was 15 again.
Bella laughed out loud and came towards the bed, dropping her clothing haphazardly on top of his small corner desk. She sat down with an unceremonious plop, pulling her, as Jacob noted with a more than obvious stare, toned legs under her. She turned to him with a smile.
"I look clean?" she repeated. "Is that really the best you got? I am here in boxers and a t-shirt, in your bedroom and you tell me I look clean?"
Jacob smiled, "You heard me."
Bella laughed again and leaned back against the headboard and sighed.
Jacob scooted closer, which didn't require much on the small little bed. He now sat with one leg propped up, the other on the floor. There was about two inches between the two of them, and Jacob reveled in the little puffs of Bella's breath hitting his face.
She blushed a little at the proximity and poked him in the chest.
"Did you get a bed this small on purpose?" she asked.
"No, but I did get this close on purpose," he replied with a smile. Bella bit her lip and looked down at her suddenly very interesting lap.
"What?" Jacob asked, scooting closer. He suddenly felt very bold. He settled his hands on her crossed legs, right on her knees, noticing in the back of his mind how smooth her skin was. He leaned in and brushed his nose against hers.
"I just can't stop saying it Bells," he said softly. "You are so beautiful."
Bella smiled eyes half closed.
"Thank you," she said just as softly. "So are you…" she paused. "Sort of."
Jacob laughed loudly and planted a sweet chaste kiss on Bella's lips.
"Way to ruin the mood Bells with that same old joke," he said, playfully stern.
He frowned, and grabbing her arms, attempted to pull her back onto the bed with him. Bella playfully fought him, tugging backwards for every time he tugged forward. Jacob rolled his eyes at her and showing off his strength, easily pulled her into his chest. They both fell backwards; landing on the bed with Bella sprawled on top of him, Jacob's arms and legs dangling off the edge.
Jacob grinned, loving the weight of her against him, her breasts pressed up against his chest. Her hair had come undone, falling from its messy bun in loose, damp tendrils, creating a curtain around their faces.
It created a space of privacy and intimacy between the two and there was a palpable shift in mood.
Jacob loved looking at her, watching how she handled the close proximity and the obvious fact that neither were giggling or playing anymore. She bit her lip and looked at his mouth, his hair, a corner of the bed, everywhere except at him.
Jacob loved her sharp intake of breath as he ran the pad of his thumb over her abused lower lip, his other hand reflexively latching onto her hip, pulling her body even closer against his. She sighed softly as he continued moving his finger against her mouth, finally reaching up and gently catching her lower lip between his teeth, nipping before letting his head fall back onto the bed, his hand now resting along with the other against her hips.
Bella sighed, closed her eyes, and leaned her forehead against his.
"You do not play fair Jacob Black," she murmured huskily.
"Never have Bells," was his response. They stared at each for a few moments, the air thick with unsaid words, feelings, and wants. Before they could continue in their less than innocent pose, Jacob shifted, moving them easily so that Bella's back was now flush against the bed and he was on his side next to her, propped up on his arm.
He stroked her face sweetly, as she looked up at him, lids heavy.
"I missed you Bells," he said. "I never even thought how it would be to have you back, but all I keep feeling is this…this feeling of how damn much I wanted you here, how surreal it is to actually be here, with you, in my bed."
She laughed softly. "Did this feeling," she made quotation marks, "include me being dressed in your bed?"
Jacob chuckled and playfully patted her cheek with his hand.
"Behave yourself," he said. "If I didn't know better, I would say I am totally rubbing off on you."
She smiled and grabbed his hand, kissing his palm.
"Shush," she said. "I am teasing. Please go on."
Jacob laughed, loving this new, slightly spunkier Bella. It was funny how she could switch from being shy to being bold, to being shy again.
"No," he said. "I refuse to compliment you further! It's your turn now. Tell ol' Jakey boy how much you missed him and longed for him on those long nights on the road, or whatever the hell you were doing."
Bella smiled and linked her hand thru his, watching their fingers intertwine. She turned her eyes back to his.
"I missed everything about you Jake," she whispered. "I missed your eyes, how they light up with excitement whenever you talk about something you love."
Jacob grinned.
"Go on," he said.
"I miss these," she raised their joined hands. "These big ol' bear paws, ok, well, wolf paws. They always gave me such a sense of security….just like the rest of you. There is so much of you I always felt like you were my personal wall against the world, no safer place than hiding behind Jacob Black, ya know?"
She closed her eyes. "I missed the way you smell," she said finally. "You always smell like….sweet, and heavy, and open air and woods. It always makes me sleepy, and feel like, I don't know? Also, makes me feel safe?"
Jacob felt odd suddenly, and stopped his absent minded stroking of her arm. He looked down at her with a frown, feeling very confrontational suddenly. Something had oddly hit a switch in his brain and he found himself...angry?
"So is that why you didn't want me?" he asked.
Bella looked up at him questioningly.
"What do you mean that's why I didn't want you?" she asked.
"Well, apparently, all I was, and maybe still am, is the protector, the safe guy," he said a little harsher than intended. "The one who is always there, waiting for Bella, the fail safe."
Bella sat up angrily.
"Jake, are you serious? That's not what I meant at all!" she said.
Jacob rolled his eyes, leaning away from her. He didn't feel very amorous suddenly, and he hated himself immediately for feeling that way, but the words were bubbling out of him faster than he could censor himself.
"So why was it always him Bella, huh? Why was it always the person who could have KILLED you at a moment's notice, who did nothing but bring danger into your life?" he said, his voice rising slightly. "If I made you feel so safe, why didn't you pick me back then, why wasn't it me who could give you life, not take it from you, huh? Always leaning on Jacob Black….is that what this is Bella?"
He realized with a horrible dread that he was screaming and he couldn't stop himself.
"Are you here after all this time just looking for comfort? Someone to hold your hand, protect you? Is this another act in the little show that is your life Bella? Huh? Is it? Am I going to wake up in the morning and find you gone?"
Bella opened and closed her mouth, searching for words but coming up with nothing.
Jacob sighed heavily, suddenly feeling very, very exhausted.
"You know what? Just never mind," he practically snarled. He rolled over onto his side, back facing hers, suddenly wanting to be alone, suddenly caring about the morning and what could be him once again longing for Bella.
He felt the bed shift, and then Bella was draping herself around him, pressing herself into his back, sliding her silky smooth leg between his and wrapping her arms around his middle. He felt her press small, hot kisses all along his shoulder and back, resting her little chin into the space between his neck and shoulder.
"I'm sorry Jacob," she whispered. "So, so sorry for not doing right by you. I didn't mean you were the safe guy Jake, you know that. You are so much more to me than that, what I meant is, you are my safe presence, I feel so open and free with you… You are, were, my sunlight…I was just…" He felt her loaded pause.
"I was caught up in lust and excitement and…." She stopped again and breathed heavily, leaning down to brush her lips against his skin again.
"I was just young and stupid and too immature to see what was in front of me the entire time."
Jacob sighed again, and turned to face her.
"So what is this Bells?" he asked. "What does any of this even mean?"
He felt her chest rise and fall.
"I don't know Jake, honestly… I don't know," she said after a long time.
She grabbed his hand again, bringing it up to her mouth and kissing it. She smiled at him, caressing his forehead, running her hands through his hair. Jacob let her, feeling emotionally drained and tired. He turned now, so that they were both facing each other on their sides.
"I hate seeing you mad Jake," she said softly.
Jake half smiled.
"I don't like being mad either," he replied.
"I am sorry I can't give you a better answer Jake," Bella said.
Jacob let out a long puff of air.
"Yea, so am I," he replied.
He stared at her, the honest to God love of his life.
Bella smiled, brushing her mouth against his. He brought both his hands up into her hair, clutching huge chunks of it, almost angrily as he pulled her face against his.
The kiss was hot, long, and passionate. Jacob ground his mouth into hers, teasing her lips, bruising her mouth with his tongue and teeth. Bella responded in earnest, soft moans coming from her throat as she responded to him kiss for kiss, mouth open and inviting.
Jacob paused, lips still touching hers, slightly parted as they panted heavily.
"Seriously Bells, what we are doing?" he asked, his voice practically breaking.
Bella sighed, wishing she had an answer for him.
She wished she could say a million and one things that would make him feel as safe as he made her feel.
She was still so scared though.
Scared to say the wrong thing…
Scared to say she still feared something would go wrong…
Scared to say that she was scared of happy.
So instead she responded with her body, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her again so that his entire upper half was on top of hers. He was practically crushing her, pressing her deeper into the soft give of a too old mattress.
Bella sighed into his mouth as he ran his tongue down her neck, running his hands over the thin fabric of the shirt she wore.
He squeezed her breasts thru it.
Bella wished she could do this forever, wished that she never had to face the outside world, knowing she was home, feeling the sense of security wash over her, but feeling nervous, anxious, and tempted to run all at once.
Jacob brought his attention back to her face, kissing the tip of her nose, tenderly cupping her cheeks.
"What are you so afraid of Bells?" he asked finally after a few minutes of staring at her.
Bella felt naked and vulnerable under his intense, bright gaze. She felt he was seeing past everything, into her and she could do nothing but be hopeless under his assault.
"Everything," she whispered softly.
Jacob shook his head in disbelief, sitting back and pulling her up with him. He crushed Bella against his chest, and she inhaled deeply, feeling her resolve weaken.
He brushed her hair back from her face. "Why Bells? Tell me?"
She bit her lip, hating that she couldn't break that damn habit, even after all this time. She thought she could avoid this…confrontation, at least for a few more hours.
She didn't want Jacob to know she wasn't the perfect Bella he imagined her to be. She was flawed and a lot of her didn't work the way she wanted it too.
"I'm broken Jake," she finally said. "I am not perfect Isabella Swan. I never was, and now? Ha, even less. A person doesn't have the kind of, " she took a deep breath, "relationships I have had and comes out normal on the other side…and that's just who I am now and I want to be perfect for you Jake, I want you to know I will never ever hurt you, ever."
She paused.
"But I am so fucking scared Jake, so scared that this," she motioned between them again, leaving her hand pressed against his heart, "will be taken away from me. I don't know what 'happily ever after' means, and I know, if I just, hold it in, you know, just…don't say a word, just live in this moment, just you and me, then I wont have to face what's out there Jake, I just don't. So please, don't make me say anything, don't make me label this, and don't make me say out loud how badly I want this to be real and forever…."
She hated the soft whimper she inadvertently let out. She wanted to scream at how stupid and naïve she sounded. She lowered her head and attempted to control herself, waiting on bated breath for Jacob's response.
Jacob sighed.
There it was.
The truth.
Albeit not exactly what he wanted to hear, but still the truth.
He held onto Bella tightly, kissing her head, rubbing circles on her back. He hated, HATED how fucked up she was, how Edward, how the Volturi, how HE himself had led to this fragile girl still scared of happiness.
Her exterior of worldliness, her smug responses...all a cover to how hurt she was, even after all this time; a testament to the pain of her running.
Jacob squeezed her tighter, raising her face to his, raining kisses all over her, kissing ever spot a tear fell.
"Bells," he said softly. "I want to tell you nothing will ever happen, but I know that's not true. You know by now me and you live in a less than normal world, and you just happen to be a part of. I can't ever promise you perfection, because that would be lying to you and I would never, ever do that Bells."
He kissed her sweetly on the mouth.
"What I can promise you Bells, is this weekend, it will just be you and me. No one to hurt us, no one to keep us from each other. I will make you feel as beautiful, intelligent, and loved as you really are. You are not broken Bells, you just need a bit of tweaking." She smiled and Jacob continued.
"You need to remember what it feels like to rely on someone, to let someone else be there for you. Just give me this weekend, let me remind you what it feels like," he whispered softly.
Bella sniffled, and wrapped herself tighter around him, sighing into him. He felt her grinning against his skin.
"Promise?" she asked thru a yawn.
Jacob chuckled, and said, "I promise Bells."
