Disclaimer: I do not own the Thunderbirds!

CHAPTER 12

Alan didn't know what he was feeling. Tin Tin and he had a complicated and messy past. It was obvious that she hadn't moved on from it. Part of Alan was thrilled by her confession. After all these years she still loved him. The other parts of Alan were screaming at him to build his wall back up. He knew where this conversation was leading and he wasn't prepared to make another commitment so soon. He loved Katie. He loved Tin Tin. Those were two conflicting facts that he knew were creating a war inside his brain.

He was instantly pulled out thoughts by someone bursting into the room. This is what Alan was used to. "Did I interrupt something?" Gordon glanced between the girl and his brother. They were still standing in close proximity to each other.

Alan was the first to back away. "What do you want, Gordon?" He groaned.

Gordon had a smug look on his face. For a moment Alan thought his older brother was going to press the issue. "Dinner's ready." He stated as he walked away.

"Do you think he heard us?" Tin Tin inquired.

Alan shrugged, "Probably."

"Great," The girl smirked. "Now the island is going to know."

"From now on let's leave all private conversations on the beach." Alan decided.

Tin Tin put her hand back on his shoulder to draw his attention. "You'll let me know when you're ready, right?" She requested.

Alan reached up and ran his hand through her hair. "You know I will." He promised.

Throughout the entire mealtime Gordon was casting daggers in between Alan and Tin Tin. It was the only way he knew to get his opinion across to his little brother. He wasn't over Katie yet. So what was Alan doing with Tin Tin? It didn't make sense. They haven't spoken in years.

"What gives, Nemo?" Virgil accused. "You've been burning a hole through the sprout's face all night."

Jeff, Brains, Fermat, Alan, and Tin Tin had already left the table. "I caught Alan and Tin together." Gordon divulged.

Scott snorted, "They're allowed to talk, Gordon. That was the whole point of bringing her back."

"I'd say they were doing a bit more than talking." Gordon muttered bitterly. He thought Alan was devastated by the loss of his girlfriend. All it took was Tin Tin to make him forget all about his grief.

John's eyebrows furrowed at the comment. "What are you talking about?" He questioned.

"I walked in on Tin and Alan kissing." The red head revealed.

"What?" Scott shook his head. "Are you sure?"

"They were too close to be hugging." Gordon explained. "Alan backed off as soon as I came in the room. So I'd say I'm pretty sure."

"But you didn't actually see them kissing, did you?" Virgil clarified.

"Well no, but they were." The copper haired man dismissed.

John rolled his eyes at his brother's observation. "There is nothing going on between Tin Tin and Alan. She was probably comforting him." The older boy rationalized.

They wished that Alan could open up to them like he had to Fermat and Tin Tin. It hurt them to see Alan so cut off from them. The four older brothers were sitting in the living room area watching television when their father walked in. They had made it a point of having family meetings weekly to keep everyone updated. The family would discuss everything to personal dilemmas to the thunderbirds. It was something Amanda recommended after Alan ran away.

Jeff had been sitting in his office for hours talking with his daughter in-law. What he had observed at the police station between his son and his abuser scared him. Alan actually trusted the man and went to him to seek comfort. He went out of his way to avoid his family to get to the man. It was something that Jeff couldn't stomach. After combing through his observations with Amanda they both decided that Alan needed to talk. It was blatantly obvious that Alan viewed his relationship with Lancaster in a different way than his family did.

The older man's eyes scanned the room before he spoke. "Where's your brother?" He questioned.

John shook his head. "I told him to come down, but he refused." The only blonde paraphrased.

"Scott, go get your brother. We need to have a talk." Jeff ordered.

Scott got up and started up the stairs to the right. He had no problem making Alan come down to talk. Recently Scott had found it difficult to be in the same room as Alan without demanding answers. It had put a huge strain on their relationship. They were the closest pair on the island and now they avoided each other at all costs. What Scott had observed between Lancaster and Alan was not rational to him. It drove him insane and made him want to shake some sense into his little brother.

Virgil sighed, "He's not ready to talk about things, Dad. We can't force him." The middle son thought that putting Alan into a corner was a recipe for disaster.

Jeff considered his son's words before speaking. He knew how all of his sons felt regarding the situation. Virgil and John didn't want to push Alan away by making him talk. Scott and Jeff wanted answers and an explanation for Alan's behavior. Gordon just wanted his brother back. "Amanda thinks it would be a good idea to get everything out in the open." The patriarch explained.

"I agree with Mandy. We all need some closure. But we can't make Alan talk if he doesn't want to." John reminded. "Starting a fight with him would only do harm."

It wasn't long before Scott descended the stairs with Alan close behind. The entire room got quiet. Alan took a seat next to John in an attempt to avoid Scott's glares. The younger boy missed his older brother. Scott had always been there for him. He had been defending and protecting him since he was three. The pair hadn't said two words to each other since he'd returned to the island. Alan knew it was because of what he had witnessed with Lancaster.

Jeff took a deep breath before starting. He had no idea what forcing Alan into this meeting would result in. Alan could completely shut down or run out of the room for all he knew. His youngest son's behaviors had always been erratic and unpredictable. He hoped that Amanda's advice would help them all. "Alan, I called you in here because I wanted to talk about what happened at the police station. I talked to Amanda and she said it could help us understand." The father treaded carefully.

Alan kept his eye on his hands as he fiddled. "There's nothing to talk about." He whispered.

"We think there is, Allie." Gordon intercepted. "Dad told us what happened. I've seen the security tape. Why on earth would you let him say those things to you? You don't honestly believe him, do you?"

Alan shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." Scott let his anger get the best of him. He met Alan's eyes briefly before the boy broke contact. "How could you say that? What Lancaster said wasn't true, Sprout. It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve any of this."

"You don't understand." Alan spat and he stood up and met Scott's hard glare.

"Then help us understand." Gordon argued. "Explain it to us in the way that you see it."

Alan ran his hands over his face in frustration. "I already told you why I got to know Keith. I thought it would help me rationalize what was happening." He reminded.

"We understand that, Alan." Virgil comforted. "You did the right thing. You were making the best out a bad situation."

"I didn't tell you everything." Alan admitted. "I didn't want you guys to look at me different."

John put a hand on his brother's shoulder lightly. He was surprised the boy didn't shrug it off. "It's okay, Allie. Whatever it is we can handle it." The older blonde promised.

"You guys know what he did to me. You know how sick it made me." Alan's voice was soft and he refused to meet any other their eyes. He knew they were all trained on him like an ant under a magnifying glass. "But I never told you about how good it felt. I never doubted that he cared about me. I never doubted his intentions or feelings. He may have been one twisted bastard, but he did love me in his own way." The younger man was in tears now. "I've never felt that safe with anyone before, even after he tortured me. I know it's wrong, but I don't feel that with you. I know you care, but I doubt you guys. I feel like you're going to forget about me again. I don't know where I stand with you guys. I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me. It doesn't make any sense."

All the older men met each other's eyes. The anger had been replaced with concern. Although the words stung Jeff as they were spoken he knew Alan felt his way. Amanda had explained this to him several times. Amanda had assumed that Alan's fear of his father had accelerated into a fear of the entire family after his discussion with Lancaster. It was definitely Stockholm's Syndrome at this point. Alan had been manipulated for three years and still felt loyal to Lancaster. It wasn't a problem when the man was dead. But now that Lancaster was alive and in their lives it manifested again. Jeff could see how conflicted Alan was by his emotions. One side of him was telling him to hate his former professor for raping and abusing him. The other side was telling him that the man protected and cared about him when his family couldn't be bothered.

John pulled his brother onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. Alan was wracked with sobs and deep breaths at the release. "Shhh…" The older man whispered calmly.

Virgil put a hand on the younger boy's back to comfort him. "I'm sorry," Alan muttered again.

"There's nothing to apologize for Sprout." Gordon reassured. "We asked for the truth."

Alan pulled away noticing how awkward his position was in his brother's lap. He wiped the tears with the back of his hand. "It's not okay. Don't pretend like this is all going to fix itself." He ranted. "You guys don't get how much I hate feeling like this."

"Then talk to us." Scott stated harshly. "We can't help you if you lie to us or hide the truth. Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't deserve to be punished."

"Scott!" Jeff reprimanded. "That's enough."

Scott remained standing and shot his father a stern look. "No, he needs to hear this now." The brunette debated. "I can't believe you gave that monster permission to hurt you. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you possibly trust him over us? We love you Alan. What he did to you isn't love. A person doesn't hit or tear down another person out of love. That's not love. Do you care about yourself at all? Do you even know how we all see you? You say that you hate feeling like this all the time, but you're doing it to yourself. We've been here waiting for you to confide in us."

Alan remained sitting with his eyes fixed on the floor. He knew Scott had every right to be mad. He had been holding in these emotions for a long time. If he wanted to vent, then Alan was willing to let him.

"Say something," Scott snapped at his brother.

Alan shot out of his seat at Scott's demand. "I told you that I was sorry. I don't know what else to say." He mumbled.

"It's not us you're hurting, Allie." Scott warned. "It's you. You need to start talking to us and telling us how you feel. Even if you think it will hurt our feelings or make us look at you different. I've never seen you more open then when you were in that room with Lancaster. We want to see you like that with us."

"You want to know the truth." Alan's voice had lost all of its sorrow and pain. It was stone cold. Jeff hadn't seen Alan like this since Sam died.

Scott crossed his arms at his brother's defensive tone. "That's what I'm asking." He insisted.

"You guys know nothing about me. You never did. If it wasn't for the drugs and Lancaster we wouldn't be having this discussion. You guys never would have noticed what was happening to me. I would be in Portland right now with Wesley, Matt, and Sam. I like using drugs. I liked smoking pot and having no one in my business. I enjoyed talking to Keith about my personal problems. He knows me better than anyone. I knew I could never live up to what you wanted, a perfect son and brother." Alan paused. "How could anyone live up to the standards you all set? I was average in academics. I wasn't artistic or musical. I was average at sports. The only thing I excelled at was breaking the law. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that truth enough for you?"

Virgil knew pushing Alan had been a mistake. Although they all hated hearing that they had played a part in hurting their little brother it needed to be said aloud. The younger boy was right on many levels. "You're your own person, Alan. No one said you needed to become a Thunderbird." Jeff reasoned. "That was why I sent you away in the first place. I wanted you to have a normal childhood."

"That's a lie and we both know it." Alan challenged. "There wasn't a single vacation that I didn't come home to some kind of fight or teasing. 'You need to grow up, Alan.' ,'Why can't you be like your brothers.', 'What did you blow up this time?', 'Is the school still standing?'. You didn't send me away because you cared. You sent me away because I was in the way. Lancaster didn't have to tell me that. You did that all on your own. There were some nights I would hide out in my room and call him for support because of what you all did and how you made me feel. Keith may be a monster, but at least he didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't. As soon as you guys found out about my relationship with him you started acting like I walked on water. It was all a lie. You guys aren't nice to me out of love. You're nice to me because you feel guilty and want to clear your conscious."

The room remained silent as they took in the boys words. What Alan had said was true. They did start treating Alan different after they found out about the abuse. But they did love him. They had assumed that Alan had gotten over the teasing after all these years. He had never said anything about it before.

"We didn't mean to hurt you, Allie." Scott's voice was soft and comforting. "You're our baby brother. We always loved you. I know we were jerks and we said things that we wished we could take back. I knew something was wrong with you when I came to visit you at school. You'd completely changed. You used to pull pranks with Gordon and laugh at our jokes. After you started at Wharton's it was like you had become an entirely new kid. You stopped talking to us. You started fighting with Dad about every little thing. That wasn't something we did, Allie. That was Lancaster putting thoughts into your head. There was nothing you wanted more than to be a Thunderbird alongside us. But after you started at Wharton's it was like you couldn't be bothered with any of it. Your grades dropped. You started getting into trouble. We called and you wouldn't answer or call back. That was all you, not us. We wanted a closer relationship, but you pushed us away. Dad had every intention of making you a Thunderbird after college."

John could see that both Alan and Scott made good points. Alan was angry and hurt by his brother's actions. But they were escalated by Lancaster's comments and suggestions. The younger boy could see that now.

"We're sorry for teasing you so much, Sprout." Virgil apologized. "We were idiots. We should have seen what it was doing to you. Even if Lancaster wasn't in the picture what we did was wrong and we feel terrible."

"I know you do and I'm sorry I held it all in for so long." Alan accepted.

"Alan, I wanted to know that you can talk about your relationship with Lancaster openly." Jeff encouraged. "Amanda offered to video chat until she gets back from her conference. Or you can talk to one of us. We can't help you if we don't understand what you're thinking. We want to earn your trust back."

Alan nodded, "I never talked about him with anyone. Not even Wesley or Katie."

"How are handling what happened with Katie and Matt?" Jeff inquired.

The young blonde ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not." He confessed. "I feel like it's my fault. I miss them and I don't know how to get passed it. I feel alone like no one understands me."

"What do you need from us?" The older man questioned.

Alan shook his head as if he was battling his emotions. "I don't think you should trust me to be alone." The boy whispered.

Jeff was shocked by his son's statement. "Do you want to go back to the mainland? Is being here bring back too many memories?" He wondered.

"No, I like being here." Alan concluded as the tears threatened to fall again. "But I feel out of control. I feel like I have nothing to live for. Every day is pain and memories. I can't take much more. It's becoming too much to handle."

Virgil studied his brother's expression as he spoke. Alan was trying to tell them something. It was obvious to the doctor that he was avoiding the truth as he had done with the molestation. The chestnut haired man noticed the boy fidgeting with his long sleeves. Suddenly the truth hit Virgil in the face. Alan had no access to drugs. He had no friends to confide in. The boy obviously didn't trust his family. Everything he had been fighting for was taken away. The doctor reached over and pulled his brother's hand into his lap. To the man's surprise the boy didn't fight him at all. Perhaps Alan wanted them to know what he had been doing. Virgil gently pushed the boy's sleeve up to reveal the ugly red gashes.

The doctor took a deep breath before meet the boy's eyes. "Oh my god," Scott gasped as he rubbed his hand over his face. Jeff and Scott shared worried looks of shock. They were losing Alan all over again and they never even knew.