We stop at Kanda's for a quick stop, then we reach where we're going.
"The Mall?! Yeah! Lenalee!"
Lavi immediately takes off to the nearest window and stares in, looking for anything interesting to buy. He jumps quickly to the next one. I can tell he's completely enthused, hopping from one store to the next.
Suddenly, he slumps back to us, and his head falls on my shoulder, and he looks almost like he's going to cry.
"Why didn't anyone tell me-I didn't bring any money!" It's one long sentence. Lavi burrows his face in the side of my arm and starts to sob. I have to laugh at his antics.
"Lavi, calm down. What did you want to buy anyway?"
He picks his head off my shoulder and glares at me, like he couldn't believe what I was saying. "Allen, it's a mall. There's always something to buy! Whether you know you want it or not..!"
I only roll my eyes. Only Lavi.
"I'm sorry, Lavi," Lenalee speaks up, "I wasn't expecting you to be so excited." She gives him a gentle smile, and he seems to perk up a bit. He finally straightens and wraps his arm around my neck. I try shrugging him off, but his arm is heavy!
"That's okay. Maybe next time." I glare up at him, and see a mischievous smirk on his face. I just hope there can be a next time. I don't think any of us feel like being kicked out of the only mall within a couple of miles.
As our group starts moving, I try again to work Lavi's arm from my neck, and he only wraps around me tighter. I try lifting my arm and manually removing him, but the cast won't allow it, and I finally sigh in defeat. I listen to him snicker quietly. We're half way through one of the sections of the mall and Lenelee spots a store she seems to find interesting, but Kanda stopped dead in his tracks.
"V-vict-toria's Secret?"
Oh no, what if she makes us go in there? What if Lavi makes me go in there?! What if he makes a scene, and everyone starts staring!?
"No way," Kanda tells Lenalee, unwavering like I unfortunately was not.
I start to relax; Lenalee usually leaves Kanda alone once he makes a decision. Apparently, today wasn't a usual day.
"Kanda? What's wrong?" She tilts her head slightly in confusion, almost like a kitten who only wants the feather toy and doesn't understand why it won't stop moving.
The wannabe-samurai crosses his arms over his chest with a, "Che," then glares down at the ground. "You heard me. I'm not going in that frou-frou, pink hellhole."
Lenalee seems to have taken up her ground, and she looks like she's starting to get aggravated. That's when Lavi speaks up, to my misfortune.
"But, Kanda!" He bounds to the long-haired teen and leans in to whisper something in his ear. He looks mildly annoyed at the closeness.
I'm near them, and I can hear clearly what Lavi is saying:
"Don't you want to help Lenalee pick out something cute?"
Suddenly, Kanda's ears are red (mine are too, honestly) and his hand is planted over Lavi's entire face. Kanda throws him into the nearest wall, and Lavi slumps to the ground, a devilish smirk still in place, yet hidden by his hair. Without another word, Kanda is following Lenalee into the all-too-feminine store.
I slowly start backing away and Lavi works to stand and brush himself off. He sees me panicking, and I can almost see his eye zoom in, identifying me as a target. I want to turn and run, every fiber of my being is telling me to turn around and take off, but my legs won't go. The sudden movement would attract even more eyes than walking into Victoria's Secret, trailing two guys and Lenalee.
I swallow my dignity before Lavi has the chance to steal it, or better yet, hand it out to all the other shoppers as party favor. He walks over to my paralyzed form and loops his arm through my left one, the cast not even bothering him. Did he do this consciously, knowing that I'd at least want my arm away from the general public? Has he learnt me so quickly? Or more so, am I okay with it?
I can't think any further on this as he drags me into the bright pink store.
Lenalee starts rummaging through different drawers, racks and other organizing systems, but I'm too worried fearing for my life. Thankfully, Lavi hasn't pulled anything yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not expecting it. He's probably going to wait until I put my guard down...
He hasn't let go of my arm yet, and he keeps a close eye on me. Why, I'm not sure, but it's starting to freak me out. At least I don't have to bother about protecting my scarred arm.
"Hey, Allen!"
I wince, bracing myself.
Here it comes. Get ready to run...
"Wanna go for out for dinner tomorrow?"
What?
"Hey, c'mon Allen," I hear Lenalee call, but I'm too shocked to reply to her, but she does knock me out of my trance.
"Oh, uh, okay...?" I feel a smile creeping up my neck and onto my face. Obviously it was an odd one because Lavi starts laughing. I only scoff at him and I follow Lenalee gladly, leaving Lavi behind.
"Hey!"
I have to laugh as he lunges to catch up with us.
We enter another clothing store. A normal one, this time, and we start to subconsciously pair and split up. Of course, I'm with Lavi without even noticing it. Kanda and Lenalee don't go too far, but Yu doesn't look too enthused. He just stands to the sidelines, watching Lenalee browse.
Lavi and I, on the other hand, are searching rashly through shelves and racks, efficiently destroying the elegant setup. Then I stumble across something that catches my eye.
It's just a scarf, but the shade of orange that stares back at me is one I've never seen before. It reminds me of Lavi. I reach to pick it up and it's beautifully soft. I just want to rub my face in it; find a couple, sew them together and make a sleeping bag out of them, and snuggle into it without ever leaving again.
Well, that's a little crazy, but I wouldn't hesitate.
Lavi seems to have noticed the way I'm mesmerized by the scarf. He seems to be intrigued by it, too, but not to the degree that I am. I don't focus on him, worried he'd make something out of this and maybe say or do something unnecessary. As much as I want to put it back, I can't make myself. I run my thumb over the fabric again and-
"Hey, let's go somewhere else. This is boring," he declares loudly. He watches me lay down the garment with disdain, then pulls me from the store.
I try not to hang my head as badly as I want to, but I wander off anyway. It occurs to me that only Kanda is following, and I pause to see what the others are up to, and I see Lavi and Lenalee engaged in conversation. Jealousy almost bubbles to the surface in side my chest, but I manage to subdue it. What should I be jealous about? Lavi doesn't belong to me, and I don't belong to him...
"Hey Allen! Want to borrow a dollar?" Lenalee calls to me as she catches up.
I look at her mildly confused, but then it hits me what she's suggesting. I would have asked myself, if only I didn't want to feel guilty about taking her money. She slips the bill from the small bag hanging at her waist from around her neck and I take it and hide it in my pocket.
Lavi's finally catching up to us but we've already gotten a decent distance away from him, and when I see him pacing towards me, I speed up, walking backwards to smile at him.
"Moya-"
I see Lenalee quickly shut Kanda up. Lavi starts picking up speed, and I'm well away from our group, and Lavi's starting to jog to catch me.
"C'mon, stupid rabbit! What are you waiting for?"
With this, he almost slows down, deadpanned. Then, a fearsome smirk comes over him. I have to turn back around to avoid tripping with the speed we're now at. I take a quick turn, taking another route, and I can finally see my destination. I don't think Lavi does, or else he would've stopped in his tracks just to gape.
Man, is Lavi fast! I glance back and he's almost right on my tail. He could probably grab me if he just reached out his hand. I kick it into high-gear and speed down the hall. When Lavi starts getting close again, I slam on the brakes. Luckily for me, he doesn't realize until he's flown right past me. He does the same, to the best of his ability, and finally he sees.
ooOIOoo
In the crossroads of the mall, there's the main center. It's kind of like a town square, and in the center is one of the largest carousels I've ever seen. It's three stories tall and houses even the most exotic creatures, all slowly chasing after one another in the same exact circle for decades.
"Allen," I breathe as he joins my side.
He smiles up at me. "I thought you'd like it."
I glances down at him, my eye almost lustful. Is that healthy?
"I don't have any money! I want to ride the merry-go-round, please?!"
He slowly slides the dollar he borrowed off of Lenalee out of a crook in his cast, and I eye it in bewilderment.
Of course he's going to let me ride it. He can't not do it.
Taking too long, I steal his dollar, taking his hand and running to the man at the entrance to the ride. I hand it to the chubby ticket man and I pull Allen up each short flight of stairs encompassing the central tower that both powers and supports the ride. I take him immediately to the top, the third floor and he's already determined to sit in the middle row, but I pick which column, clamoring on to the back of a a lion in mid-roar. I mount the mighty beast and he climb onto the one next to it: a hippocampus. Half horse, half fish, all majestic. Maybe a little weird, but the animal is shiny and beautiful anyway. His casted arm wraps around the golden pole spearing the poor creature, and my hand finds Allen's, and his fingers sit right where they're suppose to in between mine.
I feel the ride shutter to begin, and I grip Allen's tightly. He does the same, tearing his gaze away from the people from below. I turn to him, beaming, and I realize I don't think I've ever been this happy around him. This... Real.
"This is so cool," I begin, obviously tearing him away from his thoughts before they can spiral into depressing 'what-if's. "Thanks." I pause. "Thanks for everything."
I turn away from him before I can catch his surprised expression; I know he wouldn't want me to, but I still know it's there. I hold his hand tighter and he takes mine almost for dear life and my smile widens.
"Can we come back tomorrow?" He laughs, and turns out towards the people. I think I can see Kanda and Lenalee approaching. It should be them, so I wave, and I see Lenalee wave back, so it must be.
A warm-hearted laugh escapes Allen's throat. Is this the first time he's ever really been happy? This specific kind of happy is a rare one, but most people get to experience it before they're sixteen, right? In my past, I've never really had this kind of happy before; I've never had time to be this carefree.
That's it. That's what it is. Carefree.
And I love it.
"Sorry, Lavi. Not tomorrow."
I really expected it, so fortunately it doesn't ruin my mood. "Hey Allen?" I turn to him and I can see him focus on my functioning eye. His two appear to be sparkling, and they're peering intently into my one. "No one's ever done something like this for me."
Allen looks at me like he doesn't know what to say. I don't blame him; I didn't expect him to take this in stride, but I needed to say something, and to tell him how much I appreciate it. That's when the ride ends and the playful music fades. I keep a good grip on his hand and slide off the shiny plastic creature I've been mounted upon, towards him and he blushes furiously. He does the same, but it seems mechanical and awkward. I step closer to him and he backs into the animal behind him. He takes his hand from mine and plants it on my chest, his face bright red and eyes wide. My hand that he left behind makes it's way to his waist. His gaze lowers and he stares down between us.
"May I-"
"Lenalee and Y... W-what if they s-... We shouldn't keep the waiting."
I can only nod, disappointed. I step off of him, my head hung. I catch him move to say something, but I snuff it out.
"No no. You're right. Let's go; we have a surprise for you," I tell him, a fake smile in place. I feel he can tell, but he looks at me confused anyway, and I lead us both down the stairs and back to out friends.
When we arrive by their side, Lenalee's wearing Allen's scarf. He sees this and looks shocked and irritated at the same time; almost jealous. Lenalee unravels it and it slides off from around her neck, and she drapes it around Allen's in return. "Consider it an early birthday gift," she smiles, "From all of us."
"Except Yu," I add.
This sends him off ranting, but Allen doesn't care. He starts toying with the ends of the scarf, soaking in the feeling. Then suddenly, he buries his face where it bulges up by his ear.
I can't help but laugh at his innocent behavior. But he is, more or less. Innocent, that is. He's been through things that most people haven't, and it's affected him. He hasn't been able to enjoy or experience life; many things are new to him.
Like having true friends.
Like being loved.
The ride home, I fell asleep. Of course, Kanda drove, and Allen and I were in the backseat. It was starting to get dark, even though we left the mall moderately early. I was already fast asleep as soon as the car started up, but I guess Kanda must have hit a bump, and I must have fallen, because when I woke up, I was comfortably curled on the seat, my head resting in Allen's lap, and his arm over me awkwardly.
As soon as I woke up, I just laid there. I didn't want to move, in fear of ruining this moment. Every so often when Kanda and Lenalee weren't looking, Allen would glance down and run his hand through my hair, speechless, and it warmed me to the core.
I was so fully content with today, I doubt there would ever be another day to rival it.
I felt the car move into the driveway, because it stopped shortly afterward.
"No, Lenalee. You don't have to get out, it's okay."
That's when Allen started rocking me gently. "Lavi, wake up."
Nothing.
"Lavi! We're home. Wake up!"
I groan and roll over in his lap, wrapping my hands around his knee affectionately. I hear him sigh, and I'm trying to hold back laughter when-
"Ugh!" I lurch up in my seat. It's not until I look over to see Allen blowing smoke off his thumb that I understand what happened.
"Into my chest!? Why! I was awake!"
Allen smirks, and I'm left rubbing my chest.
"Usagi! Get out of my car!"
I groan as I move to the car door. "Shut it, Yu."
He starts to fume, but Lenalee cuts him off, spouting about how he needs to learn to be nicer.
I clamor out of the car, rubbing my chest. Allen's at the door waving goodbye to Chinese girl. But not Kanda. Yu doesn't deserve it.
"Why? You already punched me this morning! You know, you're abusive! I'm going to report you!"
Allen almost winks at me, and I can only guess at what's coming next.
"Yeah, well technically-" he gestures between us, "this could be rape. Report that."
He always manages to make jokes that might mean something. He opens the door and we both slip in. I work my shoes off at the door, and Allen does the same, using the wall as balance.
Did that mean something? Did he just call us a couple? What? Why is he so good at this...!
I want to just squint my eye really hard and believe that I could figure out the answers that way, but I know that's not going to work. Well maybe two can play this game.
"I'm sorry!" I shrug, "I like dating younger dudes! Is that a crime?"
He looks like he wants to continue this banter, but I think I finally caught him up. He's almost at the couch, about to sit down I assume. Now, however, he's just starting at me extremely shocked.
"I-... Is this-?"
I shrug, completely poker-faced. "Is it?" I ask confidently.
Allen suddenly looks extremely sad, like I've broken something inside him. I rush to his side and take his shoulders in both hands. "Alle-"
With some strength, he shrugs me off. "Allen, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it like that."
"No, no, Lavi. It's okay."
I sigh, and try again, laying my hand gingerly on his shoulder. He only glances at it this time. I so desperately want to move it to his cheek. I just want to hold him. "Allen I'm sorry. Please don't do this." Almost unconsciously, my hand on his shoulder slides to the nape of his neck, and gladly he doesn't swat me off. I take his chin in my other hand, forcing him to look at me. I stare down into his eyes, trying to stare away all the unshed tears. I lean in cautiously; I just can't stop myself.
We're two inches apart.
A nose-length.
A breath.
A hair.
My hand abandons his chin and settles around his waist. It takes no effort to bring him closer to me as he upturns his lips and they meet mine. Unlike what I would have expected, his lips move gently against mine and I carefully sigh a sound of relief. After what felt like simultaneously a milisecond and a millennial, he pulls away.
"What is this about, then? Talk to me, let me help you."
"You're... You're asking a big thing of me."
"Huh? Allen, what are y-"
"You know what I'm like. I don't exactly..." He pauses for what feels like forever and a half. "Lenalee's my only friend, besides you. And we only ever became friends because I thought I had to, if you were moving in."
This twinges a bit, but I ignore the sting. "Allen, what are you saying?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve. I just... You'd better without me."
Blood rushes through my ears and I can't hear whether he continues or not. I feel my face get hot, but not in the way I'd hoped. My head starts pounding with all the thoughts assaulting it, and I can feel the fury bubbling up in my stomach.
Why am I so angry with you.
I can't tell why, but I am. I'm enraged, furious, at this boy, who won't accept anything I give him. Why can't he see? Why won't he? Why is he so blind? I don't understand why he doesn't think he deserves me; he's never done anything to not deserve love. The things he's been through over-qualifies him for it, actually.
"Fine."
His eyes find my one, which is rock solid in rage. He's shocked, but I don't care anymore; I just want to hurt him.
"If you don't think you deserve me, this, then I might as well leave."
"L-Lavi...?"
I can't bear to look into his undoubtedly pained eyes. "Don't bother me. I'll get a bus tomorrow, and I'll get out of your hair."
I turn on my heels, forcing myself past him and down the hallway.
"L-Lavi that's not what I-" I can hear him chasing after me, but I turn, holding out a hand to stop him.
"Don't worry. I promise."
I slam my door, making sure to lean against it in case he tries barging in. When he doesn't, although I secretly wanted him to, I slide down to the floor, resting my arms on my knees, and cry into them. The tears hold mixed emotions; anguish, rage, disappointment, fear. It's a collage, all for Allen. If he thinks we're both better off without each other, who am I to argue against him? I just hope this will prove him wrong. But why do I have to hurt him? Why do I want to? He's my-...
What is he to me? My friend? I don't think he qualifies as just my friend anymore. I can't even tell; our relationship is too complicated for either of us to have a title, I guess. I hate complicated things. There's never any definition, and it gets on my nerves. Maybe that's why I'm trying to destroy, no, not destroy. Maybe, excavate what's going on here between us. I need an answer and Allen's just not giving it to me. I've tried my best. I've done everything I can for him, for us, but he hasn't done his part and now I know why. Now we both have to suffer the consequences.
I sit like this for too long for me to comprehend, but it's suddenly almost pitch black outside and the house is completely silent.
I wipe the dried tears from my cheek, and fix my eye-patch when it must have gotten knocked askew. I look for my backpack, then realize it's out by the couch from when we did homework yesterday.
And then the previous night begins replaying in my head.
"I'll go back to Bookman's."
My eye stings furiously, but I try to bite it back. I leave my room quietly and find my backpack. I return to my room and begin stuffing necessities into it. Tears fall onto the clothing as I'm shoving it into my backpack and I grit my teeth. I have to remind myself that this is better, that this is what Allen wants.
When the bag is full, I lie down and try not to think about what I'm doing.
ooOIOoo
I wake up excruciatingly early, hoping that Lavi's still here. I want to try and talk to him, now that we're both calmed down a little bit, and most importantly, I want to fix this.
I don't want Lavi to leave.
In fact, I think it would break me.
I don't bother trying to be quite when I leave my room. I pace in the hallway, wondering if he's actually in his room. I don't have the courage to knock on his door, so I'm hoping he'll come out when he's ready. Then the thought comes to me that if he knows I'm out here, he won't show himself.
I sigh, trying to hold back the welling in my already tear-stained eyes, and take to the kitchen. I scrounge around for something for breakfast, but I'm too upset to eat, which I didn't even know was possible.
I stare at the pantry blankly for a while, and when I leave empty handed, I hear the front door close.
"Lavi?!"
I barrel out from the kitchen, but he's gone. I throw the front door open, fully prepared to chase him, but he's no where to be seen. The door closes behind me, and I slide down it, wrapping my arms around my knees and pulling them tight to me.
I can't remember when I got up to go back inside.
The rest of the day passes, and I'm sulking for all of it.
"This is all my fault," I tell myself sometimes. Other times I just cry.
I check my phone once and I see Lenalee's been trying to text me. I lie and nonchalantly tell her I'm busy today and she buys it.
After a while, I turn on the TV to distract myself and curl up on the couch, wiping the thick tears from my face. I check the time out of curiosity and I'm surprised that its already late afternoon.
When the television doesn't work out, I consider taking a walk, or maybe taking a trip back to the bar, but I know that's a death wish. The diner is painful, too, but a different kind. I decide that the fresh air would do me some good on it's own, and step outside.
I pay attention to the cars that pass. Some mini vans, a few trucks. Mostly cars. And a bus. And it looks like rain, naturally.
I start walking aimlessly. I just walk. I'm of decent distance from the house when I realize I forgot my phone, but that's okay. I have no one to call anyway.
I just walk, wondering what I'm to do from here.
I have to keep living; I know that. I can't, no, I won't let this ruin my life. So I made a mistake. People make mistakes. It happens, but telling myself that doesn't make me feel much better.
I hear a commotion up ahead, but I don't pay much mind to it.
"Maybe it was a car accident." I shrug it off and keep walking, waiting and listening for the police car, ambulance, tow truck; whatever kind of vehicle would ensue.
I hear it, the ambulance and it passes me, and even once it's out of my view, having turned a corner, I can still hear it. Was the crash really that close?
I speed up, interest peaked, trying to find the location.
"Hey, that bus passed me...?"
Stopping a distance away to let families and officials in, I stop and watch. The bus that had passed me was on it's side and the front of another truck was flattened, almost sitting under the larger vehicle. I watch as the medical team tows away victims, access damage and load people into ambulances, now as two more arrive. The crowd seems to have gotten as big as it's going to and I start closing in, watching grief-stricken family members and friends watch in horror as people they know leave the rubble.
I can't help but feel sorry for all of them. None of them could have expected this, and none of them could have prevented it.
Then a flash of orange catches my eye.
"No. No it's not. It was just someone's shirt."
"Hey, there's one more!" Someone from the rescue team shouts and I realize I've worked my way almost to the front of the mob.
Some others gather around him and they work to pull the body from the wreckage as carefully as they can.
My heart sinks.
Okay, I know it's been quite a while, but this is closing in on the end, and I promise that I won't abandon it; not that I've gotten this far.
SO! Whether I have a bit of explaining to do or not...?
Lavi's in some deep shit. Keeps trying to make moves but it just doesn't work... I know guys, I'm sorry. I know you were all looking for the cliche ending, with the 'realization of the undying love' scene, but I just couldn't let that happen. Not now, maybe not ever. Maybe Lavi will just die and Allen will spiral into depression or simply move on. ;3 Nah, I'm not that cruel.
Or am I?
Nah.
So, you can has this, and I'll be on my way. On a completely unrelated topic:
CLIFFHANGER MUHAHAHAHA.
