W00T, here it is! Chapter douze. Yay.
I noticed that I used a lot of chat speak in this chapter... I think I've been on AIM waaay too much lately. By the way, my AIM username is tacochickenwings, so if you ever want to talk, that would be fun. :D
Well, enjoy, peeps! XD
Chapter 12 -- Exotic Dancers Suck Monkey Balls
The plane ride was pretty much a blur of Jack screaming and shitting his pants, with Kai trying to casually explain to the fellow passengers that the reason for such was that Jack was suffering from a mild form of mental retardation, so they should stop staring. And somewhere around that time, I realized that Las Vegas was in Nevada and not California.
lol. My bad. Oopseh.
And at last, the plane ride was over. Jack flung himself from the plane, kissing the ground.
"OH, SWEET JESUS! IT'S OVER! THAT WAS THE LONGEST 10 HOURS OF MY FUCKING LIFE!"
"Umm, Jack? It was only a 45 minute plane ride..." Kai said, frowning.
"Wait, seriously?"
"Uh...yeah."
"Oh! That's cool. Now, let's go find that hermaphrodite!"
Soon after leaving the airport, Jack and Kai managed to hail a cab.
"Where to?" grunted the stereotypical-loser-high-school-drop-out-no-money-lives-with-mom-and-eats-tuna-out-of-the-can cab driver.
"Uh, hold on a sec..." Kai mumbled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a slip of paper, upon which the Witch Princess had written their destination.
"Ah. Says here we need to go to 'Spanky's Spank-A-Thon Strip Club'."
"lol, what a silly name," said Jack.
"Spanky's, eh?" said the cab driver. "I go there, like, pretty much every day! Good place, Spanky's."
"Er...yeah. Could you just take us there and not say anything else?"
The driver sighed. "Dammit, why doesn't anyone wanna talk to me!? This happens all the time! WHY CAN'T ANYONE SEE THAT I'M A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS, AND THAT I --"
"LOOK, just shut up and drive! If we wanted to talk to the 40-year-old virgin, we would have said so. Now, you're not getting paid minimum wage to yak. 'Kay? 'Kay," snapped Kai.
"Uh, yeah, we're in a hurry!" piped Jack.
The drive was silent, as both Jack and Kai contemplated their mission (though, there was the constant background noise of the cab driver muttering things that sounded vaguely like 'yer gonna die' and 'seven days to live'). It wasn't long before they reached a shiny purple building, decked out with a neon sign that said, 'Spanky's Spank-A-Thon Strip Club -- Prepare to get SPANK'D FTW!'
"WOW, this place looks awesome!" Jack enthused.
"Don't get too excited... We're not here to get laid. We gotta find that Jamie thing. Now, do you have everything we need?"
Jack reached into his pants, fished around, and pulled out a burlap bag and a hammer. "Yep."
"Ok, good. Let's go."
Jack and Kai jumped out of the cab as the driver called, "AREN'T YOU GONNA PAY ME?"
"Nope."
They slammed the door in his face and proceeded inside.
Spanky's was pretty much that stereotypical strip club you see on TV, with the pretty flashy lights, the shiny black tiled floor, round booth seats, and sleazy women. And cocktails. Oooh my, there were cocktails.
"Welcome to Spanky's, how may I help you?" greeted one of the "exotic dancers" (though we all know that 'exotic dancer' is just a nice way of saying 'whore').
"Umm, do you happen to have a dancer named, er...'Jamie' here?" Jack asked.
"Yes, we do. But she's busy right now. Why?" the dancer asked, curiously eyeing the burlap bag and hammer.
"Umm...we're here on important business. It's, it's personal stuff, really. But we have to see him -- uh -- her, I mean. It's pretty serious stuff."
"Well, she won't be happy about the interuption, but...well...if it's that important, follow me to the back then, I guess."
Ahhh, yes. It was one of those coveted back rooms that say 'STAFF ONLY'. The kind you always see in the stores, and just fantasize about jumping through and screaming, 'LOL, I'M IN UR STAFF ROOM BITCHES!!!' And like everyone else, Jack and Kai had had those fantasies. So, walking through that shiny black 'Staff Only' door was making them shiver with anticipation.
The whore led them through, and the door shut behind them with a soft, holy-sounding "whoosh". Jack and Kai stared around in awe.
"LOL, I'M IN UR STAFF ROOM, BITCHES!" Jack screamed.
"Erm...Jamie's right over there. I'm sure she'll be with you when she's done with whatever she's doing," said the whore, stepping back out of the room and eyeing Jack warily.
She had pointed across the vast staff room, where a sign read 'Whore Training'. Behind it were a number of poles and platforms and tables to dance on. Not to mention a number of chicks. And a couple of dudes that looked like chicks, too.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, LA FAWNDUH!? YOU NEED TO STICK YOUR TITS AGAINST THAT POLE, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT!" snapped a young woman with shortish purple hair at one of the girls on the pole.
"But...but I just got them done! I can't!" the girl protested.
"Oh, for the love of Harvest Goddess!"
"HEY! DON'T TAKE MY WIFE'S NAME IN VAIN!" Jack cried.
Everyone stopped and turned to look at him.
"Excuse me?" said the purple-haired one, raising a brow.
Everyone was staring now.
"Umm..." Kai said awkwardly, "Uh...which one of you is Jamie?"
"You're looking at her," replied purple-hair haughtily.
"But, but you look like a woman! Aren't you supposed to be half-man!?" Jack blurted out.
All the dancer's gasped. Jamie's eyes widened in outrage and shock, and before Jack and Kai could make another move, she grabbed both of them by their arms and dragged them out of the room while yelling over her shoulder to the dancers, "YOU HEARD NOTHING!"
The glory of being behind the coveted staff room door had evaporated as Jack and Kai found themselves being pinned against a wall by an unusually strong hermaphrodite exotic dancer.
"How the hell do you know about me!?" Jamie hissed.
"Dude, who DOESN'T know about you? You're only like, the freakiest Harvest Moon character EVER!" Jack retorted.
"Forgive him, he's got Tourette's Syndrome, he can't control the nonsense he speaks!" Kai insisted.
"Look, the others don't know my secret! How DARE you sneak in here and scream it to everyone!! YOU'RE LUCKY IF I DON'T KILL YOU DEAD!"
Jack squeaked in fear. This was definitely not on his list of ways he wouldn't mind dying.
"L-listen, we just need to ask you a favor! Jack is really, really sorry for telling everyone that you have a penis! Wait...you do have a penis, right?"
Jamie's legs moved closer together. "That's none of your business! Now, what the HELL do you want!?"
"W-w-we need to take you to a witch in the countryside so she can perform experiments on you and your penis so that in return, she can give the Bubonic Plague to a gay guy that keeps trying to rape me!" Jack held up the burlap bag he had been holding and continued, "So if you could just crawl into this bag here, it would make things sooo much easier for us!!"
Jamie gaped at them for a long moment. But it didn't take long for her to compose herself (or would it be himself? Or itself?) and scream, "SECURITY!"
After a rather short battle in which jack almost lost an eye, and Kai, a testicle, the two young men found themselves on their asses outside Spanky's.
"Ow... Did they have to be so rough with us...?" Jack whined.
"Well, you did try to hit Jamie over the head with a hammer and shove her in a burlap bag..."
"Well, that's true."
"Anyway, we'll have to find a way to get to her...him...it...whatever, again. We gotta kill Steiner."
Despite the beating, both Jack and Kai were feeling mildly hopeful. At least, until the voice of a certain somebody who they did not expect to show up purred from behind them, "Well now, why would you want to kill me?"
"Oh, fuck."
