I hustled to my room hoping no one would follow me, but in the background I heard Steve tell his best friend that he would take care of it. I assumed, "it" was me. I headed down the hall and looked towards the back door. For a second, I considered not turning into my room. I thought about bolting out the backdoor and running away as fast as I could. I realized quickly that idea would have helped me, but not my brothers. They would have had to pay again for my mistake if I ran, so I walked into my room and shut the door for privacy. My nerves and emotions were on edge.
I knelt down and pulled an old suitcase out from under my bed. I hoisted it up and let it fall flat on my mattress. I reached down and pressed hard against the metal latches until they popped open to unlock the lid of the case. There was a knock at the door. I didn't answer, but that didn't matter because Steve walked in without an invitation. I tried to ignore him by pulling open a dresser drawer to begin packing for my move.
Steve was still dressed in the same DX uniform he had worn the day before, and he cleared his throat to speak. "Don't you worry none, Sissy. Two-Bit and I are going to do anything we can to help Soda out, and try to get you and Ponyboy home as fast as we can. You got that?"
I tried to sniffle back my emotions, and watched one of my tears fall into my drawer as mumbled. "I've got nothing."
Steve stepped towards me and laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. "That's not true. You got your brothers and me and Two-Bit…"
I interrupted and cried out, "No, I mean I've got nothing! I've got nothing to take to my new school. All of my clothes are still at the laundry mat and all I have to take are ratty old hand me downs. Everything is gone, and the outfit Owen bought me for my birthday was destroyed by James." I couldn't help but bawl. I hadn't thought of Owen all morning.
Steve stood shell-shocked for a moment then he spoke up. "I'll see if I can go get your clothes. I'll be right back." The boy turned and left the room.
I looked up at the mirror on my dresser and studied the pictures shoved between the frame and the glass. I pulled on a color photograph of Owen and held it in my hands. My knees went weak and I slumped to the floor. I looked into the boy's eyes and knew I wouldn't have the chance to say goodbye or to tell him how much I cared for him. Sobbing, I crawled over to my bed and pulled the suitcase down onto the wooden floor with a bang. I stuffed the photo into the satin lining for safekeeping. Then I reached up onto my dresser and pulled off a notepad and a pen. I wiped my nose with my sleeve before I began to scribble.
Dear Owen,
I am so very sorry that I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. I will write to you when I can. I should have listened to you. I should have stayed in the car. I am sorry. Be safe.
Love forever,
Scout Marie Curtis
I ripped the page out of the notebook just as Sodapop and Steve appeared in my doorway. I looked up at my brother and wept. "Soda, I wrote this note to Owen, will you make sure he gets it."
Sodapop tilted his head in pity and frowned in pain. My mother's look appeared on his face as tears streamed down his face and he quietly acknowledged my request. "Sure."
I hastily folded the page three times and handed it to my brother. "Be sure he gets this okay, Soda."
Sodapop grabbed the letter from me then he shoved it into the pocket of his blue jeans. He paused a second to look at me, on my knees crying. Sodapop stepped to me, fell to his knees and wrapped me in a tight hug. He cried, "Sissy, I want you to be good at your new school. Make Darry and me proud, okay?"
"Uh Huh." I sobbed back.
"Don't ever forget how much we love you. Okay?"
This time I was sobbing too hard to reply. Sodapop held on to me for a minute then he let me go a little. "Listen Sissy, we aint going to be able to get any of the clothes from the laundry mat, so just pack what you have okay? Mr. Ottavi says he will help me mail a lot of it to you when I get it back. He's going to pay for the postage stamps and everything." I nodded my head, but didn't speak. "Here, let me help you pack your things." Sodapop let go of me, and the two of us spent a half an hour rummaging through my room looking for anything I could pack that would be nice enough to wear at an elite all girl school. We packed my stuff into two of my mother's old suitcases. Sodapop carried the luggage out of my room.
"Scout?" Ponyboy's hoarse voiced called from my doorway. He walked into my room with his hands apprehensively shoved into the pockets of his jeans. "I'm all packed. Are you done packing your things?"
At first, I avoided looking at him. He was the person I loved the most in life and I had possibly ruined his life. That was a hard realization for me to live with. My reply was unintentionally snide, "it doesn't long to pack when you have nothing nice to take."
Uneasy, Ponyboy licked his lips and choked back his fears. "Scout, please don't be like that. Don't act as if this is all your fault, because it isn't." I turned my head and looked at my twin brother. His face was more pale than usual.
"Whose fault do you think it should be?" I asked with a sob.
"James!" Ponyboy demanded through his tears that I agree with him.
"No. I was the one who chose to date him and start this whole mess…"
"That's not true," Ponyboy interrupted. "At first, you didn't want to date him. Sodapop was the one who told you it would be okay. Everyone in the gang thought it would be a good thing."
"It was me who decided to ignore him when he got out of the reform school. It was me who didn't press charges on him yesterday. If I had…" Memories of Darry laying in his own blood flashed to my mind. I choked up then yelled out. "Darry would be here and not fighting for his life in some lonely hospital bed."
Ponyboy cried out in my defense. "Do you really think the police would have bothered to find James between the time he left the diner and the time he followed you to the laundry mat?"
Sodapop's arrival in the room was announced to us through his interruption into the conversation as he walked over to stand by Ponyboy's side. "Sissy, the cops would have never found him. He and his gang would have made sure of it."
"What if they had?" I challenged my brother's opinion.
"But they didn't!" Soda argued.
"If I would have said something maybe they could have, but I didn't give them that opportunity!"
"You said you didn't tell them because you didn't want to make things worse." Ponyboy tried to reason with me. "You were only doing what you thought was right."
"Well I was wrong!" I snapped and cried out, "All I did was make things worse. I broke up our family and probably killed our brother." My voice cracked as the words left my lips.
"He's not dead! He aint gonna be dead!" Sodapop sobbed and his lower lip began to quiver with pain. "And I aint going to stand here and listen to you go on and on about how all of this is your fault. The truth is, any one of us would have taken that knife if it meant saving your life. Aint that right, Ponyboy?"
Pony let out a teary, "Yeah."
Tears flowed from my eyes as I tried to reason with myself. "What about me? Huh? Why don't I get a choice? Why couldn't I be the one to die and spare Darry's life?"
"Cause he's tougher than you, that's why!" Sodapop said in a more soothing voice. "Cause it's his job to die protecting you. He's the man of the family. If he hadn't saved you he would have never been able to live with himself."
"What about what I have to live with?" I looked at my brothers for answers. "Darry is suffering because of me. I won't have time to patch things up with Casey before I leave. I don't even get the chance to tell Owen goodbye. Worst of all, it may be months before we see each other again, and I can't live with the fact that caused all that."
Ponyboy stepped toward me and cried out in a hoarse voice, "You don't have to, cause none of it is your fault. Nobody blames you." My brother grabbed me in a hug and I lunged into him squeezing him with every last ounce of energy I had. "I love you Ponyboy! I am so sorry I caused this mess!"
Pony squeezed hard and cried out, "It's not your fault Scout. I love you. I'm going to miss you the most." The two of us bawled then Sodapop joined the embrace and bawled along with us.
Somehow, Sodapop managed to choke out a few words, "I love you two more than anything in this world!"
Moments later Mrs. Dillard appeared in the doorway to my room. She spoke softly as she let us know it was time for Ponyboy and I to leave for our new homes. Sodapop grabbed Ponyboy's hand and mine. The three of us walked together through the house and out to sidewalk where Mr. Ottavi was waiting.
He reached into his pocket and removed his wallet. "I want the two of you to know that I haven't given up on your case. I am going to do whatever it takes to convince the judge to bring you home as soon as possible. Till then, just know that you kids can ask me for anything." The man opened his wallet and pulled out three fifty-dollar bills. He handed one to each of us. "Soda, I expect you to spend this wisely. Ponyboy and Scout, you may have to buy a few things from time to time when you get where you are going. So be sure to keep your money safe."
All three of us accepted the gift without hesitation. Using my manners I thanked the man for the money and for helping my family as best he could. Two-Bit and Steve came up behind us with the suitcases. The boys handed the luggage to the officers. One officer loaded my suitcases into the truck of his police car as I stood at the end of our sidewalk wrapped in Sodapop's left arm. He slammed the trunk deck shut and walked to the side of the car. He pulled open the rear car door and looked to Mrs. Dillard.
The woman took a steadying breath and forced a smile. "Scout, we'd best be going."
The boys all whimpered at the cue, even Steve who couldn't seem to stand me most days. My nerves were riddled with guilt as the sound pierced my ears. In a small way, I was looking forward to getting away from the horrible mess I had made. I hugged each of the young men one last time then took a steadying breath myself. Stoically, I walked to the car, turned and waved goodbye, then climbed inside. As the officer and Mrs. Dillard climbed into the front seat I turned and knelt on the backseat so I could look out the rear window. The car lurched forward and pulled away making the weeping faces of my family and friends grow smaller and smaller. I put my hand up to the rear window as if I could touch them one last time, but all I could feel was the smooth, cold glass.
The car turned the corner and my family, street and home disappeared. A lump formed in my throat, and my eye caught the image of a familiar girl running up the street. Casey's flowing black hair bounced as she raced to the intersection that the car had just turned at. I pressed my hands against the window hoping she would see me. The girl stopped to study the car, then she waved uncontrollably as the car I was in sped away. Once she was out of sight I sunk into the brown vinyl car seat, curled into the fetal position and quietly cried myself to sleep.
