So I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but I'm not well versed in science so I totally made all of this up. Yay for fiction, right? This chapter was kind of hard for me to write. It's not that I'm anti-Shay. I'm sure I would have liked her if Evelyne Brochu hadn't shown up and destroyed my life, but I'm anti-Shay with Cosima. Die hard Cophine fan, but some Shaysima was necessary for this chapter. I know you are all anxious to see what happens in the present time since Cosima just left Delphine crying at the hotel, but in due time...


2 YEARS AGO

"I am afraid we don't have a name for it. I've certainly never seen anything like it before."

"Great." Cosima scoffed. Her eyes wondered around the office at the various degrees and awards framed and hung pretentiously on the drab, grey walls. The ficus in the corner was dying and the plant on the window was hardly faring any better. If this guy couldn't keep a couple of plants alive how was he supposed to help her? Not exactly the vote of confidence she needed right now.

"I am consulting with colleagues across North America and we hope to know more soon, but for now what I can tell you is that your lungs are filled with these small polyps."

"Unidentified polyps." Cosima mumbled in disbelief. It didn't seem real. Sure she felt like shit and was coughing up blood, but these test results and numbers and images across her lap seemed a lot more serious than she was ready to deal with. The best part was that no one knew what it meant. Was this easily curable? Who knows. Would it kill her? Who knows. Are they tumors? Maybe. Was it a parasite? Perhaps. What would happen, what could she expect? No one knew a fucking thing and she was utterly petrified.

"Yes."

"Dr. Nealon, what about a lung transplant?" Shay asked nervously, reaching out to grasp Cosima's shaky hand.

The doctor closed the file in front of him and leaned back in his chair. "Well we aren't there yet, but even when we are it's unlikely that that will be a viable option. This … disease appears to be autoimmune. It's not like cancer that starts with one single, mutated cell and spreads from that. Her immune system is essentially attacking itself. It is destroying healthy cells and allowing these masses to go unchecked. Removing her lungs won't slow the disease down. If we do a transplant chances are it will attack the new lungs as well and she wouldn't be a good candidate for transplant under those circumstances. I'd like to run some more tests-"

"More tests?" Cosima asked. "You just did a biopsy two weeks ago. I have been thoroughly poked and prodded to the point where I wasn't sure how I had any blood left. I've had X-rays, MRIs, an entire alphabet of scans. What more is there to do?"

"Cos" Shay said softly, reaching over to wipe away the tear slowly trailing it's way down Cosima's cheek.

Cosima looked deep into her girlfriend's eyes. The fear was clearly written all over the other woman's face. They were both petrified beyond anything they ever could have imagined. How long had it been since they had a normal conversation that wasn't laced with trepidation, caution and pause. For all intents and purposes their lives stopped with that first drop of blood that spilled from Cosima's lips.

Cosima wasn't even sure how to breathe at this point or how much longer she would be able to. Her usual escape into science when things got tough was failing because there was no science on this. There were no studies or research or information anywhere. Neither the scientific or medical communities had anything on this. Or anything on anything like this, which, usually would have thrilled Cosima. Something unclassified to study and explore, to learn about, but this was her and this unknown may be killing her and suddenly unclassified wasn't so much fun anymore.

With a nod she turned back to Dr. Nealon. "So then I'm guessing you don't have any idea what kind of time I'm looking at? Or if I even need to be thinking in terms of time?" Maybe it was just a fungus with a relatively easy fix? A girl can dream, right...

"Not at this time. It all depends on how easily we can remove these polyps and how fast they spread. Now," he turned to his laptop. "I'd like to get you in again before the end of the week for tests and next week I'd like to schedule a surgery to remove a couple of these masses. See how that goes; if we can even remove them, if they re-grow, if they continue to spread, that sort of thing."

"I'm just a valuable set of data to you, aren't I?" Cosima snapped. Honestly she wasn't meaning to be an asshole to the guy. This wasn't his fault anymore than it was hers, but at the moment he was a convenient outlet. And there was just something about him that bugged her. She didn't like the guy, but unfortunately he was the best. She knew that getting one of the masses under a microscope would be invaluable, more so than a tiny biopsy that hadn't shown them much, but something inside of her just wanted to lash out at anything and everything she could. Her mind was a shitstorm of feelings and emotions she didn't want to deal with – shouldn't have to deal with, because they were going to figure this out and she would be fine. No one would even have to know.

"I will admit this is all very fascinating, but I assure you I am just trying to help."

Cosima nodded. Whatever this illness was she knew they had to run every imaginable test they could. They needed as much data as possible to develop treatment options, to come up with a plan, to anticipate what would come next. Cosima had everything to live for. She had a good life; friends, family, sisters, Shay, a degree she has been working her entire adult life for that she loved, a very prommissing future in the scientific field. Her entire life was waiting. She was only just beginning. "I'm willing to do anything."

"I'll be right here holding your hand the entire time. I promise."

Cosima offered the blonde a tight-lipped smile. They had a plan. First steps - they had a plan and she had Shay and she would get better and everything would go back to normal. Everything would be fine.

That night they stayed up late, neither being able to keep their hands off the other. Reassuring themselves that for the moment Cosima was still there, comforting one another, promising they would get through all of it together.

"I'm scared, Shay."

Shay placed a soft kiss in the center of Cosima's chest then gathered her frightened girlfriend in her arms. One hand played with her dreads while the other soothingly ran up and down her arm. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. Dr. Nealon said he's consulting with other doctors and they're running tests. They'll know more soon."

Cosima nodded, snuggling deeper into the blonde's embrace. Shay was naive. She didn't know the science like Cosima did so her heart didn't freeze in her chest with every new result Nealon forwarded or with every new symptom. "I don't want to die," she whispered.

"Babe" Shay's voice broke. "You're not going to die. We haven't tried anything yet. There are so many treatments, so many options."

"To treat something nobody has ever seen? How will they know what to do?" Cosima's mind was running at a mile a minute. So many scenarios and outcomes playing out in rapid-fire succession. Life, death, permanent lifelong consequences. So many questions without answers.

Shay silenced her girlfriend with a kiss. "I know you're scared right now. I'm terrified, but they will figure this out."

"I can't leave you. And my sisters, my mother...oh God, what am I supposed to tell them? We have plans, Shay. Big plans. My PhD...There's so much I want to see and do. I can't, I can't-"

"Baby, breathe."

Cosima forced ragged breaths before coughs wracked over her body, blood spilling from her lips to the sheets. Shay rubbed her back and whispered soothing words until Cosima calmed down, but the tears kept falling. Facing one's mortality was never easy, but facing it at such a young age wasn't something anyone knew what to do with. She was absolutely petrified. Her entire life flashed before her eyes, but it wasn't finished yet. She was nowhere near finished yet.

As much as possible she tried not to think about it because if she did her blood turned to ice and breathing became even more difficult, which was really saying something given the circumstances, and every step felt like she was stepping deeper and deeper into quicksand barely keeping her head from falling under too. Some days she didn't even manage to do that.

Pot helped. And it also didn't as the smoke, no matter how natural, and irritation wasn't good for her damaged lungs, but it was either that or she legitimately would never be able to leave her bed with the dark tunnel she found her mind trapped in. She was drowning. The walls around her were closing in faster and faster and the light at the end of the tunnel got darker every day. As much as she tried she couldn't help but wonder what would happen when that light finally gave out? Or would the walls close in around her first?

What would happen? How would it happen? Would she suffer until the end? Or simply fall asleep one day and never wake up? What happened when the blood stopped pumping and every molecule was still?

"Dr. Nealon has a plan. You'll get better. I know it."

Only she didn't get better and the plan was much less of a plan and more like a set of theories. Months passed and they tried different outpatient treatments. There were numerous surgeries to remove polyps, various solutions injected into them. She tried homeopathy and naturopathy and different shots, pills, liquids, inhalers, special diets, acupuncture, oils...nothing made a damn bit of difference. The disease was spreading and it was spreading fast. In a few short months it moved from her lungs to her esophagus and she was on supplemental oxygen all but for short amounts of time to shower.

"I'd like to check you into the hospital Ms. Niehaus. Start chemo, radiation-"

Cosima shook her head. "Not happening."

"Cosima, please." Shay begged. True to her promise, Shay was there with her every step of the way. She took work off to be able to drive Cosima to every appointment and be there for every procedure. She held Cosima at night when she was crying out in pain, she held her dreads back as she emptied the contents of her stomach, she brought home flowers and croissants and wine and stupid sappy movies and through everything she was there. Unwavering. The only good thing Cosima could hold onto, but she could see how it affected her. How Shay cried when she thought Cosima was sleeping or couldn't hear over the sound of the shower. How the fallen Catholic had started praying again and wearing her cross. Anything and everything Cosima needed Shay was there.

It was almost like she was a completely different person. Her usual attitude was gone, which Cosima admitted was nice. She didn't fight Cosima on stupid shit anymore, she helped more, did more of things Cosima liked and wanted to do. It was nice. Until Cosima remembered her girlfriend wasn't doing it because she was nice. She was doing it because Cosima was dying.

"Ms. Niehaus whatever this disease is, it is very aggressive. For every polyp we remove two more pop up somewhere else. We cannot keep up with it like this-"

"It doesn't seem like you can keep up with it at all," she snapped.

"Which is exactly why we need you here in the hospital. We have a plan-"

"Do you?" Cosima deadpanned.

"We will try a different treatment each week. Cyclophosphamide treatment with chemo and radiation...I would like to bring your sisters in for testing as well."

Cosima's face fell, her blood once again turning to ice, the pressure in her chest increasing ten fold. She didn't even want to think of the possibility of any of them going through this too. "Do you think they could have this?"

"It's possible since you are all identical, but I was thinking more along the lines of finding a stem cell match for you. A bone marrow transplant could buy you the time we need to figure this out-"

Cosima tuned the doctor out and looked out the window behind the large oak desk. It was raining. Fitting, she reasoned, given her mood. A few months ago she had so much hope. There was a list of treatments a mile long – something would make her better. Only nothing did and that list was now extremely small. The only options left were ones she wouldn't be able to do on an outpatient basis. She would need to be in the hospital hooked up to an IV twenty-four/seven. In Cosima's experience when you were sick enough to need to stay at the hospital you didn't come back.

"Mommy! Mommy where is Daddy going?" Cosima stopped running as her mother grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back into the house. "Mommy I want to go with Daddy!"

"Cosima" Mrs. Niehaus knelt down in front of Cosima and ran a hand down one of her long braids. "I am so sorry you have to deal with this sweetheart. You're too young to-"

"I'm a big girl Mommy. I'm six!" Young Cosima beamed proudly, standing up straighter to prove her point.

"You sure are sweetheart." Mrs. Niehaus laughed. "Then I'm going to talk to you like a big girl, okay?" Cosima nodded her little head enthusiastically. She was extremely intelligent for her age, but her mother made sure people still treated her like a child. Cosima was bright. She could understand concepts and theories better than most twice her age, but she was still just a little girl. Just because she understood didn't mean she should have to. "Daddy is sick."

"Is he gonna die?"

Mrs. Niehaus took a deep breath, buying herself a second to swallow the lump in her throat. "He is very sick. The doctors said it's best for him to stay in the hospital right now. So I need you be strong, Cosima. And go upstairs and pack a bag. You're going to stay with grandma for a little while, okay?"

Cosima nodded sadly, hugging her mother tight. "I'll be strong, Mommy."

"We just need to fight this babe. Be strong."

Cosima couldn't even look at her girlfriend. She was fighting this. With every cell in her body she was fighting. The first time they were in this office she had been scared, naturally, but she had also been hopeful. Science was her friend not her enemy, but every time a treatment didn't work, every new mass, every new symptom, every time she struggled to breathe her hope faded. Little by little the fight had been taken out of her. Now she was just tired. So very very tired. A deep ache in her soul kind of exhausted.


It was getting to be too much to keep up with her PhD work. Some days she was too tired to make it to class much less the lab to work on the research for her dissertation.

"Babe, come on. Cosima-"

"Shay I can do this."

"No you can't." Shay stepped behind Cosima just in time to catch her as her legs gave out.

"I need to get to the lab." Cosima protested with a quivering chin.

"Cosima" Shay began gently, taking the bag from her girlfriend's hands without much resistance.

"I don't want this disease to take this from me Shay. My PhD is . . . it's everything. Everything I've ever wanted, everything I've been working for. I need this." When she was nine years old and her father died, Cosima decided she wanted to become a scientist. She vowed not to stop until people didn't have to lose their loved ones like she lost her father. This disease was literally stealing the breath she was breathing, but for it to take away this too was unimaginable. Being sick was one thing. Letting her father down was another. She made a promise.

Shay smiled sadly at her girlfriend, helping her out of her jacket and shoes. "I know it is. But I need you to live, okay? Everything else is secondary. I think ...I think you need to take a break. Until you beat this thing," she added quickly as Cosima took a deep breath to protest, helping the shaky brunette to her feet. "Your work will always be there. You can go back and finish once you're better."

"What...what if I don't get better, Shay."

"Cosima don't talk like that."

"I'm serious Shay. What if I don't get better? What if this is it for me?"

Shay silently led Cosima over to the couch and sat her down before moving into the kitchen.

"Shay we need to talk about this!"

"I can't talk about this Cosima!" Shay turned around with tears streaming down her face. "That is not an option. You are going to beat this."

"And if I don't?" Cosima pushed. At first her girlfriend's positive attitude had been a blessing. When Cosima was feeling particularly doubtful or panicked or scared Shay would hold her close and tell her how everything would be fine. It would suck for a bit, but Cosima would get better and things would go back to normal. Now it wasn't helping. Cosima was a scientist, she knew what her test results meant. She needed to talk about this, to face her own mortality, and she needed Shay's help to do that. "Shay please. I need to know what will happen if I don't."

Seeing the desperation in her girlfriend's eyes Shay crossed back to Cosima and held the brunette as close as humanely possible. "Then I will still be there. Always."


"Here you go nice and slow. That's it."

Cosima pushed the glass of fluorescent orange liquid away as another spasm took hold of her lungs.

"Cosima maybe it's time to listen to the doctors." Shay said gently as she rubbed circles low on Cosima's back. "Maybe it's time to check yourself into the hos-"

"No."

Shay let out a frustrated sigh. "You're getting worse. Dr. Nealon said that there are much more aggressive treatments they can do in the hospital. A couple shots a week and a handful of pills clearly aren't helping you."

Cosima settled herself back against the headboard and took deep breaths. "If I go into the hospital I'm not coming back out."

"Don't be so dramatic." Shay chuckled.

"Dramatic? Is this a fucking game to you?" Cosima's eyes narrowed.

"You know it's not. I'm as invested in this as you are."

"Oh really?" Cosima scoffed. "Because I don't see you struggling for every single breath you take. I don't see you giving up your dreams, everything you've ever worked for. I don't see your body slowly eating itself from the inside out. I don't see you fighting with everything you have to get nowhere – to get worse. So don't give me that shit."

"Look Cosima you can yell at me all you want. Hell you can be mad that I'm healthy if it helps you feel better, but I will notlet you push me away. We are in this together whether you like it or not right now," she took a deep breath and cupped Cosima's face gently in her hands. Being so weak, Cosima didn't have the strength to look anywhere but right into the blonde's eyes and she saw something. Something deep. Something different, but she couldn't tell what. Whatever it was, it was unnerving. "I know you're scared. I am petrified. If being mad at me helps you feel better, than go ahead. But you do not get to tell me I'm not invested in this. You are my life Cosima."

Cosima's heart fell and she crumbled. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she cried. "I don't know what to do Shay. I don't want to die."

"Then fight Cosima!"

"I am! I'm just so tired." It had gotten to the point where walking down the hall to the bathroom took a huge toll on her body. Every time she tried to eat anything she got sick. She lost weight and muscle tone, her skin had lost it's sun-kissed glow and was getting more and more translucent by the day, her hair was falling out. Her body was shutting down.

"If you won't fight for yourself" Shay began, taking Cosima's weak hands in her own. "Fight for me."

"I don't know how much more I can fight." Cosima said sadly as she looked down at their joined hands. She barely had the strength to run her thumb across the back of her girlfriend's hand.

"You need more aggressive treatment. Beth was the best match for a bone marrow transplant. Let Dr. Nealon keep you in the hospital and get the transplant. That at least gives you a real chance. Then maybe the other treatments would work better."

"If I go into the hospital it . . . it feels like I'm giving up."

"You're not giving up sweetie. You're fighting."

Cosima took a breath and with what little strength she had left, lifted her head to look her girlfriend in the eyes. It felt like a surrender. It felt like she was giving this disease permission to take what little she had left, but Shay's eyes were so hopeful. Every week when they went to Dr. Nealon's office for her weekly check-ins, Shay hung on his every word. It didn't seem like he could do any wrong in her book, or be wrong. Her naivete gave her a hope Cosima, as a scientist, knew better than to hold on to.

"Okay." She agreed softly. She didn't agree that it was what was best for her, but if it would make Shay happy she would do it for her.


"Hey. There you are."

"About bloody time."

Cosima opened her eyes slowly, the bright fluorescent lights taking some time to get used to. When the room came into focus she smiled. "Hey guys. When did you get here?"

"This morning." Sarah answered. "You've been pretty out of it all day."

"Yeah, well, welcome to my life." Cosima grimaced as she attempted to sit up. Beth was up in a second to help.

"I thought the bone marrow was supposed to help you, Cosima?"

"It is." Cosima said as she adjusted the ever present cannula on her face. It never stayed in the right place when she was sleeping. "This is me doing better."

"Why didn't you tell us it was this bad?" Sarah asked gently, but Cosima could tell she was desperately trying to keep her emotions in check.

All Cosima could do was shrug. She knew, of course. Telling them just how bad things were would only make everything seem so final. Like admitting she was this sick was admitting that she wasn't going to get better. Because if she was going to get better she wouldn't have to tell them any of this and she could avoid the looks they were giving her right now. "Where's Shay? She go get something to eat, or..."

Beth and Sarah shared a quick look between them. "We haven't seen her today." Beth said.

Cosima's brow furrowed in confusion. "Like, at all?"

Her sisters shook their heads. "Maybe she's at work?" Sarah offered.

Cosima ran a hand through her dreads – nowadays looking a lot thinner as the majority of her treatment side effects included hair loss. "No, she took a leave. She hasn't left since I've been here." She thought. How would she really know though as she slept ninety percent of the time. Her phone was laying on the bedside table, but she was too weak to reach for it. "Can someone check my phone?"

"Yeah." Being the one closest Beth grabbed the cell off the table. "Passcode?"

"My birthday."

"That is seriously not smart." Sarah teased. "You should know better."

"Shut-up, I know." Cosima couldn't help but chuckle.

"There's a missed call from Shay early this morning. Before we got here. And a voicemail."

"Okay, play it." Cosima nodded tiredly. These days she could barely stay awake for even five/ten minutes.

"Hey Cos."

What little color left in Cosima's face drained immediately. Shay was crying. Since her diagnosis Shay never let Cosima see or hear her cry except for one time. Cosima had heard her, of course, but not for Shay's lack of trying.

"I am so sorry . . . I can't...I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong like you. I . . . I'm sorry."

"What the bloody hell?"

"Is she serious?"

Cosima remained silent as every nerve ending in her body shook with an ice cold chill. This wasn't happening. Shay promised. Promised to be there. Promised not to leave her. Promise they would fight this together. It wasn't possible. The only reason she was lying in this hospital bed right now was for Shay. "No … no no no no."

"Right then." Sarah stood up straighter. "I'm going to your place. See what the bloody hell she meant by that."

Sarah was gone before Cosima or Beth could say anything. After a while of Cosima sitting there staring straight ahead not moving or speaking Beth turned the TV on for some background noise. She didn't try to get Cosima to speak for which Cosima was grateful. All she did was hold her sister's clamy hand and let her know that someone was there.

Half an hour later the ringing of a cell phone woke Cosima from her light slumber and Beth answered it on speaker. It was obvious by the loud breath Sarah let out before she spoke that it wasn't good news. "She's gone," she said with a combination of anger at Shay and sympathy for her sister. "All her stuff, her car, the keys are on the counter . . . I'm so sorry Cos."

As if waking from a dream Cosima took in a loud breath of air before sobs overtook her whole body. It was as if the world disappeared beneath her feet. Of all the scenarios and outcomes of this disease she had run through her head, this was never one of them. Shay was the one constant in her life through everything. This disease had taken her hopes and dreams and plans for the future and now it took her love too.

What was the point in fighting to stay alive if she was losing everything anyway?

Cosima looked across at her sister as the world faded to black.