A/N: If there's one thing I keep losing sight of with this fic; it's that I just need to have fun with it! So I give up going through it again and again. I'm just gonna kick back and enjoy the response. So a million and one thank-you's, for allowing me to breath a sigh of relief each time I receive a review and a hit :D *Tackles you all*
Easing The Guilt
Walking into the large and open kitchen at sixteen hundred the next morning, I stopped in my tracks when my eyes had caught sight of Susannah pouring herself a cup of coffee. Seemingly relaxed and unbothered as she went about her task. Her hair pulled back and clipped so it was off her neck. Giving me a perfect view of her slender creamy skin I wanted nothing more than to kiss all over again. With the fresh memory of the night previous still clear in mind, it had taken quite a bit of mental barraging for me not walk over there and do just that.
"Do you want some coffee?" Susannah asked, breaking the silence I'd caused by walking in and not saying anything. Other than to stand and sweep my hungry gaze over her. "It's only just been brewed, so it's fresh."
She still hadn't turned around and I couldn't read anything in her voice. I'd thrown a look around the kitchen, expecting to see Lance sitting at the kitchen table, playing with his toys. But I swallowed when I discovered I was very much in fact, alone with Susannah.
I'd tried telling myself that it wasn't awkward at all, as I silently walked across to her. "Yes," I replied, making Susannah jump when she discovered how close I actually was. She obviously wasn't as relaxed as she'd made out. Or at least, not when it came to anything to do with me. "Coffee would be great please."
I stood just to the side of Susannah as she reached into a cupboard above her head and retrieved a cup for me. Pulling one out that read, 'Too Sexy' in bright blaring colours across the china. She didn't seem to notice what she got down until she started pouring the hot liquid into it. Her face flushed as she twisted her lips and passed it to me. Meeting my eyes for only seconds as the cup kept the connection between us. Once she'd let it go, I held it up and tilted a brow at the choice. A small teasing grin lifted the edges of her otherwise indifferent and stoic expression. Before turning away from me.
'Well that's a step in the right direction,' I thought happily.
It had taken a lot of will power and restraint for me to leave her the way I had the night previous. And even more for me to just cross the hall and disappear into my own room. Carrying the heavy press of guilt that had settled on my shoulders, the second I realized what we'd been doing. How stupid and foolish I had been. So caught in the moment and the rising emotions between us, I hadn't exactly been thinking with my head again. It had only been made much worse when I accepted the fact I felt everything running beneath that unregrettable kiss, as much as Susannah had.
And I knew she had. I saw it in her glittering eyes. I felt it in the claw of her nails aross my shoulders. The emotions weren't just because of her terrifying dream.
But that had been the one point that had made me have the strength to pull away. The knowledge that I would have been taking a huge advantage of Susannah, in the wrong possible moment. She'd just been pulled out of a startling nightmare, she has obviously been suffering from for a while. I had never seen her so distraught, vulnerable and openly scared before. Never expecting to in the time she would be under my protection.
Then something had taken over. My discomfort at seeing her so upset had given way to a need to help and heal. Seeing that pure terror and loneliness in her eyes as she came back to the present, I'd known I was lost even before I'd pulled her into the safety of my arms. And come too close to making Susannah's feelings worse than her already fragile state of mind had been.
That was where the true guilt and regret lay.
Any other time, or any other place and I highly doubted I would have pulled away. Not the way I had the night before. Making it seem much worse than it was as I tried to distance myself from the sweet temptation. I needed to be away from the smell of the fruity shampoo in her damp hair. The softness of her supple skin beneath my rough hands. The way she'd moulded to me and whimpered in yearning against my lips. Making my hands explore further just so I could hear her plea again. I felt her crumble beneath my kneading hands, making my chaos of long forgotten emotions see the light again, in too long.
It's not love. But I also knew, once I got past the male pride and deep scars I carry with myself; that it couldn't simple be lust and fun either. For either of us.
Susannah coughed and looked at me questioningly. Bringing my mind back and causing my face to flush with embarrasment that I had been caught staring at Susannah the whole time I had been thinking about her. Going back over the memory of our incandescent kiss.
"Sorry," I muttered into my cup. Raising it to my lips and trying not to wince at the hot and sharp black liquid scolding my throat. Susannah just gave me a knowing look, before taking an old newspaper over to the kitchen island in silence. Leaving me to shuffle on my feet a little, as she laid it across the clean counter and appeared to become absorbed in what it held.
I berated myself for being so childish and avoiding talking to Susannah. Knowing she deserved an explanation for why I acted the way I had. For why I wasn't sorry it happened. I would have been mad not to have recognized I'd never felt anything like it before. It was everything and more when I imagined what kissing Susannah to be like. As gentle as her touch. Equally fierce and passionate as her hidden desires and character. Desperate and feverishly matching my own controlled need to overtake and devour. I'd been happy to lose myself to more of what Susannah offered.
And I'd refused.
Wrong place, wrong time, my libido had reminded me.
"Susannah," I took a step towards her, my cup clutched in my hand so hard, I wouldn't have been surprised if it cracked. Talking about my feelings wasn't my strong point. I was a man of action. Who took charge and control of situations that couldn't be handled with words. Whether that be holding a gun to a suspect, or just showing Susannah by sweeping her in for another more sultry kiss.
But it came down to the same thing with each thought; Susannah deserved more than that from me.
"Hmm?" She didn't look up from her reading, but her splayed fingers tensed across the print where she had the paper positioned across the counter. I was certain I could still feel the pressure of Susannah's insistant hand on the back of my neck. The way she fingered the curls of hair at the nape, sending hot needles down my spine and straight to my need. Pulling me in closer and deeper.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much of a bastard I'd been to Susannah. The way I hadn't tried harder or persisted when she had told me not to worry about it seconds after we kissed. Cutting me off with each lousy attempt I made to talk. Giving in too easily by choosing to be a coward and deciding I could deal with it the next day.
I just wished I knew how.
"Susannah, about last night - "
"There you are!" Lance crowed loudly, walking into the room and effectively cutting me off from what I didn't know I was going to say. He walked over to the table strewn with papers of graphs, maps and documents. Carrying on oblivious to any tension that might have been curling the air; gently placing his laptop on top of it all. "I was looking for you. Have you been out on a parameter check yet? I haven't seen Marty, so I couldn't ask him."
Susannah smirked down at her paper, while I took another hot mouthful of my coffee to stall my reaction time. And to calm my frustration at being interrupted so easily. Again.
"I was just about to go look for you myself," I answered after seeing Lance's impatient expression. The lie slipping off the end of my tongue too swiftly. "No, I haven't been out yet." I shot a quick glance at Susannah, un-surprised to find her meet my eyes for the second time that morning. But I didn't see anything there. And I cursed myself for my blatant lie that made it appear I was trying to get out of our discussion. Knowing that was what made Susannah look at me so blankly. She knew what I'd been trying to say before I was stopped.
'And the hole just keeps getting bigger,' I thought distastefully.
I shot Susannah an apologetic glance she ignored. Before picking up her paper along with her coffee and walking out of the kitchen silently. My frowning eyes following her every step of the way until she was out of sight. Mentally hitting myself for not saying something sooner, or cutting Lance off and saying what had to be said. I didn't want it to go past un-resolved any longer than it had to. I didn't want to go back to the avoidance game we played before.
I was tired of ignoring what lay before me.
Swivelling my gaze back to Lance, he made no move to have even seen that there was a problem between us. Or that Susannah had even left the room. I shook my head and poured the rest of my coffee down the sink. Feeling the mouthfuls I'd already taken churn and recoil in my stomach as I rinsed the un-touched coffee away. My eyes fixed on the swirl and marble affect the rich drink had against the white porcelain sink, when mixed with the slow trickle of the water.
"What's the rush to get the patrol done for?" I asked, unlocking the drawer holding my guns and spare ammunition. One of many scattered over the house just in case. I knew Susannah wasn't comfortable being around us when we had a gun harnessed to us. "Got somewhere more important to be?" I slipped the clip into the hold, locking it into place with a click. Picking up my radio ear-piece and joining him at the cluttered table.
Lance fiddled about with his toys some more before he answered me. Adjusting the camera angles for better footage into the tree line. Therefore, better watch on my six. I leaned on a chair, glancing out the window while I waited. Seeing the beginnings on a bright day emerging across the grass. I wondered if I should let Susannah have a wander outside if I felt it was safe enough for her.
But only if I felt it was.
"I've gotta go and meet the lads in town. They've got some files for us to go over on who our suspected hit-man could be," Lance absently replied. "There's a couple of supplies I've gotta pick up too. We're running low on froot loops." I turned to look at him as he still clicked away at his gadgets. Waiting for his usual joking grin to make me realize he was playing around. But he didn't.
"Froot loops?" I repeated disbelievingly. "As in, the cereal? You're going into town, so you can get some sugar infested cereal?" He nodded away to himself. Not picking up on the sarcasm dripping on my voice. I shook my head again and wandered over to the door. "Fair enough." I tested my radio and got an affirmative answer before I opened the door and slid out into the brisk morning.
I'd have to talk to Susannah after I accompliced my first priority. Her safety.
xXx
I let Father Dominic lead me over to a more secluded area of the courtyard, to a bench that offered us more privacy from prying eyes. My stare seemed to constantly be searching around me, no matter where I went. I was still on edge and knew I would be until I had been given the all clear from Suze. Not concerned with my own safety, but only that of my distant daughter.
Until then, I knew I wouldn't stop.
It had been made more awkward and uncomfortable since I found out, by the fact that Andy suspected I was hiding something from him. I was being torn between my devoted and loving husband; and my distant and only daughter. I'd been wondering if I should risk telling him. In doing so maybe putting Suze's life into more possible danger. Or tell him nothing, in the meantime inadvertently pushing him away to protect Suze.
I know I shouldn't ever have to choose between them. It wasn't fair to anyone involved. And I shouldn't ever have to. But I knew I was getting closer and closer to failing them both, the longer the unknowing continued.
So I did the only thing I could think to do. I turned to Father Dominic again. Just like I'd done more than a few times in the past, when the drama of Suze became too much. Being the ex-principal of the Mission Academy, he was and is, the only one who could ever possibly get through to Susie. Who she would make the time to listen to. The one person she has the most respect for. More than she had ever seemed to have for me.
As soon as Suze could, she had taken the first opportunity offered to leave Carmel behind. Making Father Dominic become only one in few people she stayed in contact with after.
I'd always hoped I would have a close relationship with Suze. That we would be more like old friends, than mother daughter. Doing all the things with my daughter, that I had always wanted to do with my own mom. And at just over twenty-eight years old, Susie wasn't given me that opportunity for her or myself. We haven't even come close. I'd always imagined her to be settled by now. A husband maybe, if not in a committed and long-term relationship. A steady job and some happiness in her life.
But all she's managed to accomplice, is indecision. Skipping from one job to the next in an effort to find something she enjoys and keeps her content. Something that holds her attention, in an effort to make up for other things she knows she's lacking. All to a point where she's now stuck in a mundane job and attending night courses to broaden her horizons. I thought it was a good thing that Suze was acheiving more qualifications and higher ambitions.
But I still wonder if she's really looking for something more, in the wrong places.
As for her love life. I'm beginning to question if she'll ever touch that area again. When Suze was younger I thought she chose the most difficult and rebellious boys to date, just to spite me. Sending me an unspoken message, that I'd heard loud and clear. It was just one troublesome boy after another as she went through high school and into college.
But, discovering she had a penchant to fall into bad relationships, even as she got older and wiser; I knew it wasn't directly aimed at me at all.
Father Dominic once pointed out to me, that it was more likely a way for Suze to unintentionally hurt herself. To make herself suffer, to make up for the pain she had inflicted on others. Myself being the prime target. More than likely not even aware that was the underlying reason; even as Suze continued on her path of self-destruction. Looks can be deceiving. And I know Suze believed a couple of times that she'd met 'The One'. Just to mistake it at too great a personal sacrifice.
Unfortunately some relationships were harder for Suze to fall out of than others. More trouble than they should have been. Suze has always been a fighter. And the more someone tries to control her, the more she lashes out and rebels. Now as a result of her bad history, she's stayed away from the possibility of falling in love.
Only to have found herself in a completely different kind of danger, she most likely had no intention of being caught in. And all the hard work Suze has tried to achieve in what she wants over the past year or two; I'm afraid is going to get pushed aside and disrupted.
But at what cost?
Too many times over the past ten or more years, with Suze pulling further and further away from me, have I tried to find the catalyst for where it all went wrong between us. And for quite some time, I put my marriage and move with Andy to be the main reason. Making me feel so much guilt for that, that I never once blamed Suze for acting and treating me the way she had in the past. Believing I wasn't a good enough mother to her when she really needed me the most.
That I had put my own happiness before Susie's.
But with time, I saw that wasn't the route and cause of the conflict. And with some help and guidance, I shockingly found that it was in fact the death of her father that had really started it. All the grief and lack of understanding surrounding her when he passed. And she was at such a tender age, that it left an impression far greater than I saw. She never properly grieved for Peter. And still hasn't, even now. Never talked about him or how she was feeling. Leaving it to fester and grow cold and unapproachable.
And it's troubling to know, Suze doesn't even seem to realize that.
"Helen?"
The gentle voice and squeeze to my arm had me turning back to look at Father Dominic again. After I'd explained little to no information to him about Suze, I'd lapsed into a quiet contemplation I hadn't been abel to shake off for the past few days. Now I knew my only daughter was in possible harm, mortality seemed to rear its head and give me a violent jolt again.
I lost Peter unexpectedly. And as much as I love Andy, I know I couldn't ever go through losing my daughter too. I didn't want to.
Father Dominic's warm pale blue eyes shone back at me behind his round glasses. Age had done nothing to hinder that intelligence and sharp wit he holds. Knowing he was so keenly interested and alerted to everything I had been saying, helped to ease my burden slightly. Knowing Suze, as well as I do. And if anyone could understand my fears and concerns; it was the one person that ever got Susie to slow down and think.
I confided in Father Dominic too many times over the years, to feel threatened or worried by what he thought. But the main reason I had gone to see him in the past, was because I longed for that missing connection with Suze. And I could find it with her confidant. Without being defensive to my daughters past behaviour.
"I just don't know what to do, Father," I bowed my head. Not to hide the shame with my own felt failure. But rather in guilt. The same thing that was in my waking and sleeping life. Guilt for not being there for her, no matter how much she had ever tried to call for help. "There's no way for me to reach out to Suze. Nothing I can do, other than sit around, watching and waiting. I'm her mother; I'm supposed to be able to protect my child!"
Raising a hand, I massaged my temples. Trying to ease the constant headache I had been suffering through for far too long. But Father Dominic's next question sliced through the tension and the pain, like a hot knife through butter.
"Do you trust Susannah?" He sincerely asked me. His eyes hard and determined on my own. "Trust her to live her life to the way she decides?" I frowned, shocked and bewildered by his sudden enquiry. My guard for my daughter rising, even in the face of a Holy man. I tried to find a reason for why he would ask that. But I was too clouded by my own defences.
"Of course I do!" I crowed, causing a few tourists to glance in our direction before skittering away. But I didn't turn to them. I kept my sight on Father Dominic. Eager to hear his reasoning behind such a ridiculous question. "She's my daughter. I'll always trust her."
Father Dominic nodded slowly, still not releasing my arm as he turned and glanced around the empty courtyard and fountain area. His expression thoughtful before answering me.
"Then trust in that she will do the right thing," He paused giving me a wry smile, his answer drawing me in. "You and I both know Susannah has made some mistakes in the past. Some more intentional than others. But - " He continued, a genuine smile coming through. "Susannah has come a long way in the past year or so. She has started seeing the truth for what it is. Now all you and I can do is have faith Susannah will come through this latest crisis, a different person."
His words were like little pebbles being dropped into a pond. The ripples going far and wide, one after the other. Over-lapping and intercepting each other. And I started to see my own truth in his sage and wise words. Hoping those ripples being spread great distances, would be a good effect. Like the wave lapping at a shore. Rather than the tidal wave of buried history, neither Suze or I ever really tried to talk about.
"Thank you father." Lifting a hand, I covered Father Dominic's still resting on my arm. Feeling a genuine smile come through in place of my forced one, for the first time in a very long while.
Looking back to the fountain giving off its soothing and calming sense and air, I'd felt it inside too. Because Father Dominic was right of course. I couldn't do anything to help Susie wherever she was. But I could give her what she deserves to have. Which is my total trust in her. I owed Susannah that much.
xXx
I'd bumped into Martyn on my way out of the kitchen. The newspaper clenched in my hand so tightly it wasn't recognizable by the time I was ready to read it again. Not that I particularly cared. I'd still been seething with Jesse. And with myself. Especially after my foolish slip-up in the kitchen. It'd gone against everything I told myself I wasn't going to do as I laid awake for the rest of the night. Slipping back into a quick flirty encounter, without consciously trying.
But I was kicking myself after. And wanting to kick Jesse too, for living up to the expectation I first had of him. I didn't want to talk about it the night before and I didn't want to talk about it the morning after either. I was happy in my denial. But then, he did what I knew he'd really do anyway. Lied and squirmed his way out of it.
But I was glad he was going to forget about it as easily as I was.
"Mornin' lass," Martyn jovially greeted me. I'd tried not to groan at how naturally happy and chipper anyone could be at that hour of the morning. "Wasn't expectin' to see you up for another few hours at least? Rough night?"
I held back my snort at that innocent question and glanced behind me towards the kitchen. Ignoring the slither of hope that Jesse was following me. But I knew he wasn't because he had a job to do first. And one I wished would be over soon. Being stuck with Jesse was making me lose my head too much. Causing my focus to falter. Making me lose sight of what it was I wanted.
But then, I really wasn't sure I knew what I wanted anymore.
I shrugged at Martyn's question. "I couldn't sleep, so I came down to make myself some fresh coffee," I raised the cup in emphasis. "Lance said he was looking for you. And Jesse - " My tongue tripped over his name, catching in my throat. I got a raised bushy eyebrow from Martyn. " - is doing another patrol check or whatever." I took a sip of coffee that was turning cold.
Martyn nodded, watching me carefully.
"Well I hope that isn't all you're havin' for breakfast, lass," He frowned at my cup and looked at me pointedly. Martyn had done nothing but try to make sure I piled on the pounds since I'd arrived. The amount he'd been serving me; I doubted I'd eaten so well since I left my wannabe-gourmet-chef step-dad behind. "Come on," He waved as he passed me. "I'll make you some pancakes."
"As tempting as that sounds, Martyn," I hedged, trying to walk backwards to safety. "I think I'm going to have to pass. I'm not really - "
"Hungry," He finished for me. "Yeah, I've heard that excuse a lot since you've been here," He'd smiled to take the chastising edge off his words. "So humor me instead and make an old man happy his beautiful youn' charge isn't goin' to waste away. Not under my protection." I saw the twinkle in his eye, but I also saw his real deep concern too. And it had only served to make me feel guiltier. There had just been no way, whether I'd been up for a bartering competition or not, for me to win the battle.
Relenting, I nodded to him.
"Yeah, okay. But give me twenty minutes. I just want to go and jump in the shower," Giving me a huge beaming smile, he accepted and walked back down to his own kind of sanctuary and comfort zone. Sighing I walked back up to my room. Setting the cold coffee down and throwing the crumpled paper on to the bed. Heading to the bathroom.
I hadn't slept a wink after Jesse had left. Instead, I'd lain in bed and slowly watched the hours pass by. I'd thought about sneaking out onto the balcony for some fresh air. But there were two things stopping me. One, I wasn't so sure Jesse hadn't had Lance put some kind of motion sensor on the door to alert him. And two, I was just too weary and emotional to pull myself out of the bed. It'd been an effort just to walk downstairs and make myself some coffee. But having it in my system now made the idea of facing the shower seem like less of a chore.
I let the hot prickling water cascade over me. Trying to wash the impression of Jesse off my skin and mind. A stupid and pointless effort that I'd tried to imagine all the same. I'd told myself when I first went downstairs and Jesse walked into the kitchen that I was just going to pretend nothing happened. Be the bigger person by walking away. With the added, re-inforced rule of no touching and no flirting. But the latter had all but shot out of the window the moment I'd looked at him.
Now I knew what it could be like to be with him, it was only making it more ubearable.
I scrubbed my hair and scalp until it tingled. Sure I could taste and smell Jesse's scent on me still. Roughly running the coarse shower sponge over my body until I was red. Cleansing myself of the memory of his touch. Once I'd finished, I speeded through drying off and pulling on my most comfortable torn jeans and black tank top. I was in defensive, 'I don't need a man to protect me,' mode.
And God help anyone that would be trying to break that.
Towelling my hair, I ran a comb through it but left it down to dry. I wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't seeing anyone special. I wasn't going to make the effort. Once I was decent again, I went downstairs following the delicious smells of pancakes. My stomach growling as soon as I walked in to the light room. My mouth watering as I took in the sight of the pancake pile waiting to be devoured.
But when I'd caught sight of Jesse, eyeing me just as hungrily as I was the pancakes; I suddenly didn't know what I was more ravenous for.
"Wow, they smell great," I chimed looking away from him. My nose following the smell to the plate ready on the counter. A small jug of thick brown syrup sitting beside it. Lance came back with an equally enthusiastic sound, rubbing his stomach dramatically.
"They sure do!" He grinned. "But Marty wouldn't let us at 'em till you came down." He gave me a smile to let me know he wasn't annonyed. I shot him an apologetic grimace all the same. Unfortunately I was in need of a drink and had to go past Jesse to get to it. I wasn't prepared for the flush of his body heat and smell of the fresh air on him, as I brushed past. My head spinning dizzily with the combination.
I didn't let Jesse see how much he affected me in that tiny split second of bliss. Or so I tried. The man could be too damn perceptive for his own good sometimes. But then my confidence wavered for a second, when Jesse caught my arm lightly as I tried to go past. Breathing into my ear much like he did in my room the night before. A lovers caress over my shattered control.
"I need to talk to you,"
Crap.
Anonymous Reviews:
Meg - Wow I loved your review :D I was grinning when I saw all the yayayay's! And it's uber-awesome you loved the chapter so much. :D I had a great time writing it out. By the time I was finished, I was a little shocked to discover it'd turned into a whole chapter, hehe. Well worth it though. ;) Suze is a plonker who has a habit of seeing the bad when things don't go how she's expects them too. Bit of luck Jesse isn't so bad :P Sorry for the wait, I hope you enjoy this one. I'll have the next up a little quicker I hope :) Thanks ever so much for the wicked review, hun! *Hugs* Take care x
BananasForVacas - Did I spell Bananas right? Thats one word that has me tripping out, lol. :) AWESOME penname by the way! And thank you so much for reviewing :D Hearing in big capital letters how much you love my story, had me giggling and blushing for ages, hehe. I'm glad your enjoying it :) *Hugs* Take care! x
