Chapter 12: THE ULTIMATE FINAL BATTLE
SILENCE HAD FALLEN over the universe. All of time and space had crumbled due to the Master's evil plan, but Picard, the Doctors and their friends had survived, and were now in the process of repairing the universe using the Fourth Doctor's magical scarf. However, every incarnation of the Master had fused together to become the Lord and Master and was trying to stop them! But it was okay because Picard, who had been granted Q-powers and turned into Piq'ard (but that's annoying to spell so I don't call him that) was standing against him and THE ULTIMATE FINAL BATTLE HAD BEGUN!
Picard and the Lord and Master jumped at each other, and their fists met in mid-air causing a shockwave that re-ignited suns. They were thrown back, but this was of no concern as they could both fly. They flew right back at each other, throwing flurries of punches, moving so fast that the Doctors and the crew of the Enterprise could barely keep up. After a few hours of non-stop punching and blocking, neither landing even a single hit on the other, Picard decided that this was futile and used the power of his baldness to blind the Lord and Master before soaring a few light-years into the sky, using his Q-powers to materialize an Anti-Matter Sword: a sword that completely erased any matter that came into contact with its blade. The Lord and Master saw this and used his powers of being insanely badass to create an ANTI-ANTI-MATTER SWORD, which destroyed Anti-Matter! The two then charged at each other once more with their blades raised above their heads, ready to strike…
Then their swords met in mid-air and their powers negated each other so nothing happened except both their swords evaporated and now neither of them had swords anymore.
"Damn, it seems I need to resort to more powerful weapons!" Picard said. "Fourth Doctor! Can you conjure up a few galaxies for me?!"
"Alright," the Fourth Doctor said and used his magic scarf to recreate the galaxies closest to Picard. Picard extended his arm towards one of the galaxies, enveloping it in a gravitational pull that enabled him to move the entire galaxy at will, and SENT THE WHOLE THING FLYING AT THE LORD AND MASTER!
"Is that supposed to be impressive?!" the Lord and Master said before putting his hands together and…
"Ka… Me… Ha… Me… HA!" He unleashed the most powerful Kamehameha ever and EVAPORATED THE ENTIRE INCOMING GALAXY BEFORE IT EVER TOUCHED HIM!
"Oh, so that wasn't enough for you, was it?! Well how about THIS?!" Picard said and repeated his attack with three more galaxies at the same time! But this time the Lord and Master didn't even bother Kamehameha-ing them, and instead merely flew out of the way at like a billion times the speed of light, causing the galaxies to collide as the immense power of their respective gravitational pulls destroyed everything inside them!
As he watched this, the Fourth Doctor was annoyed. "Excuse me, I'm trying to rebuild the universe here, would you be so kind as to NOT destroy it all again before I'm done?!"
"Oh, sorry," the Lord and Master said. "He's right, let's not cause any more damage to the already destroyed universe, okay?"
"Why do you care, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DESTROYED IT!" Picard responded.
The Lord and Master was at a loss for words, as he didn't want to prematurely reveal his new evil plan of RE-destroying the rebuilt universe once it was done just to mess with the Doctors. So instead he just flew at Picard and punched him into a nearby supernova which the Fourth Doctor had just restored.
This was no problem for Picard; he simply absorbed the power of the supernova into his body, allowing him to turn into a SUPER-Q! This was his powered up form which was like that of a regular Q except more powerful and he had hair now which made him even hotter (lol as in sexier not that he was on fire even though he was but he was so badass that this didn't affect him) and then he used his newfound power to REWRITE THE VERY LAWS OF REALITY SO THAT FUSION-DANCES WERE IMPOSSIBLE!
But the Lord and Master had become so powerful through his unholy fusion that he was able to REJECT THIS LAW-REWRITING AND INSTEAD RE-REWROTE THE UNIVERSE INTO ONE WHERE QS DIDN'T EXIST!
This would have been a problem had it not been for the fact that Picard, by having turned into a Super-Q, WAS ABOVE THE LAWS OF TIME AND SPACE AND COULD STILL EXIST DESPITE GOING AGAINST WHAT THE UNIVERSE WOULD ALLOW! And so he rewrote the universe back into normalcy again.
"…Well then what was the point in making me do all that work?!" the Fourth Doctor complained, since the universe was now completely restored and apparently all it took was a single supernova so he was a bit annoyed really.
"Ugh, this is taking way too long! I'm taking over now," said the Egyptian Pharaoh Master who then proceeded to take command in the Lord and Master's body. Using his Ancient Egypt Power, he began TRANSFORMING INTO A GIANT DRAGON!
Picard didn't notice the transformation, as the restoration of the universe had caused something to click in his Q-powered brain… HE COULD HEAR THE THOUGHTS OF THE REST OF THE Q-CONTINUUM!
"Did he just try to change the universe into one where we don't exist?"
"Apparently."
"Well, glad we put in that thing about Picard being a Q or we would have been doomed."
"Although come to think of it, he was only a Q because this fanfiction universe existed in the first place."
"He wouldn't have had to be a Q to stop us all from being wiped out if this whole situation hadn't happened in the first place."
"Oh fine, blame it on causality!"
"You know that sort of thing doesn't hold up in a court of law nowadays. I mean, please, causality? Next time you'll tell me that time works in a straight line and not like that LINE FROM BLINK."
"So whose idea was this in the first place?"
"I believe it was Q's fault."
And somehow Picard knew exactly who they were referring to despite them all having the same name!
"Really? I could have sworn that Q was the one who pitched the idea."
"Oh please, I was only joking. YOU were the one who took me seriously."
Despite this whole distracting thing going on, Picard was still fighting the Dragon-Master without being distracted at all. As a Super-Q, he was not only aware of everything in existence like a normal Q, but he was simultaneously aware of everything NOT in existence at the same time! Except Picard was aware of other things that I can't describe here, because he had superseded the very awareness of the Continuum, and we already know everything and nothing that you mortals actually have words for and plenty of other stuff aside. As much as I hate to admit it, I didn't understand what he was comprehending either, so if I don't get it, I doubt there is any way in any permutation of any language to explain to you- my quite limited audience- precisely how daunting and impossible Picard's attained level of sentience was. If I must make such an effort, for I know that you beg and whine at me if I don't, I will appease your sad little mortal minds by saying this: it was awesome. That being said, perhaps I should focus less on the metacognitive and more on the combat.
The Dragon-Master breathed LASERS, which turned into MORE LASERS in Picard's general direction and Picard tried to block them with the power of baldness but since he had hair now that didn't work and instead it KNOCKED THE SUPER-Q OUT OF HIM! :O :O :O :O
"Damn, I'm not a Super-Q anymore. What to do now?!" Picard muttered to himself.
I, Q, now once again fully capable of conveying my fantastically popular and intelligent opinions without needing to tangle with any sort of bizarre lexical filter, let out an audible sigh.
"Look, we've fixed the universe, and you're intelligent," I pointed out, berating the impossibly handsome captain, "So stop stating the obvious and destroy these simple mortals. Crush them, vaporize them, I don't really care all that much. You're still a Q, and they're mortal. Have fun." And it was true. The dimensions spanned out before Picard like little more than a roadmap, including a detailed flashback of all recent events. He could see the absurdity, even now, as it threatened to creep back into the now-stabilized universe. Perhaps, he thought, such absurdity had always been present, and he contemplated the absurdity of existence of itself, even for beings that have an infinite time to exist, and how our clinging to existence for all time might be little more than an absurd fearfulness itself- but he quickly realized that now, in this state, he had more important things to do than comprehend the irritating borders between the pains of consciousness and the terrible nothingness of oblivion. And he knew, if he was going to make a permanent impression on the ever-fickle universe, he was going to have to pull every trick he could think of.
Yes, that's right. He was going to draw upon that randomness, restraining it with his powers as a Q, to wipe out all other time-space irregularities left over from that dreadful fanfiction.
He pulled a pair of lightsabers out of hammerspace and flew straight at the Dragon-Master, who fought back with his laser-breath, and Picard blocked the lasers with his lightsabers and they were at a stalemate! But then, he materialized a THIRD LIGHTSABER and threw it at the Dragon-Master using telekinesis!
The lightsaber hit the Dragon-Master in the left ear and the Dragon-Master roared out in agony. And then he attempted to unleash a SUPER-FART at Picard, but he failed because that wouldn't be the Master's style, and he was no longer capable of doing things that were completely out of character!
"Look, we just fixed and severely de-stupidified the universe! Will you please keep your utter idiocy out of it for now?!" Picard said and then prepared to make a transformation himself!
"Time to even out the odds!" Picard said, and started transforming! He grew bigger and rounder and got fur and rabbit-ish ears and was also holding an umbrella for some reason. He had turned into… TOTORO!
"Wait! That's not in-character either!" the Dragon-Master howled, but the Q are so fickle and unpredictable, and Picard was drawing inspiration from all he had not before known of the multiverse, and this was so random and unpredictable that it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time!
And then Picard channeled all the remaining indecisive flux from the arbitrarily generated universe and shot it out through his eyes in a final attack against the Dragon-Master, who fired his own eye-beams at Picard (dreadful as it may sound, the old Who canon was terribly indecisive about the Master's capabilities; if he can turn into an ectoplasmic serpent, then there really isn't any reason that he can't canonically have eye-beams, so the universe allowed that one), and the beams collided in mid-air causing a massive explosion! When the dust cleared, only one of them was still standing AND IT WAS…
Picard! And the Dragon-Master had disappeared and turned back into the regular old John Simm Master! In fact, all of the arbitrary and completely unnecessary supporting cast had disappeared and gone back to their own timelines, because Picard had had just about enough of this. Picard had also reverted to his regular bald (and yet quite handsome) self.
"Right," Picard said turning to the Doctor, of whom there was only one left and it was the Twelfth. "I've handled the sheer stupidity of all this, now I trust you to be able to handle the rest of this responsibly."
"Wait, the Twelfth Doctor?!" exclaimed Riker (who was looking far less handsome than Picard, but still fairly good-looking, I will admit. His habits of being a rule-abiding stick-in-the-mud have always been sort of a turn-off for me, though). "I thought you fell into a volcano and died!"
"You really shouldn't take anything that happened recently too seriously," the Twelfth Doctor said. "After all, the order of the universe had gone to complete bollocks, until now. Since the universe has been restored to normalcy, all of that ridiculousness has been overwritten by the reconstructed time stream."
And then one of my comrades showed up. "Right, now that that's all over with, there's still one too many entities in our continuum, so Picard, we're kicking you out!"
"Wait, he did just save all of us!" I protested.
"Oh okay, would you rather we kick you out then?" Q asked me. She was giving me that look, conveying (through her physical manifestation as well as her full being in the Continuum) that sentencing me to exile and eventual execution would be no small pleasure for her. I never liked her. Still, I threw her a bone, and went for drama.
"…NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!" I exclaimed, and I took away Picard's Q-powers myself. Yes, I am a selfish bastard.
