The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf

Chapter 12

No offense to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. My personal thoughts are that it is a great program with a noble cause. Keep up the good work.

I do not own Disney Land or anything Disney related. Please don't sue me as I am convinced that I was Mulan in a previous life, contented only by kicking some major Mongol butt. Not really, but it's fun to daydream during class, right?


Draco Malfoy skipped merrily down the halls of Hogwarts. He was a very happy boy. All his enemies had died.

"YAY!" he said. "Potter's dead, Weasel-bee's dead, and the Bushy Mudblood's dead too!"

He skipped some more.

"I'm in such a good mood, I don't care that I'm a poof!"

He skipped a few steps more for good measure.

"And I want the WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW!"

He stopped at the top of the staircase. Flinging his arms wide he hollered so that all could hear, "I'M A POOF!"

He grinned at the shocked looks on his peers' faces.

He smirked when Pansy fainted.

He stopped short when a few people said, "I figured as much."

Dismissing their opinions, Draco the Poof skipped down the stairs to inform the staff.

Bobby, who was hiding behind a statue, watched as Draco skipped down the steps, a mixture of amusement and revulsion playing on his face.

Yes. The Poof would do nicely for his next victim.


Draco had skipped almost to the bottom of the steps.

Everything seemed to be going his way today. His enemies were dead; Pansy had fainted; Zacharias Smith (his current inamorato) had taken off his school robe and was looking fine; they had served pretzels with lunch; and, to top it all off, the sun was shining and the butterflies were out.

Yes, nothing could bring him down today.

Except perhaps the vanishing step.

Draco's mouth made a perfect 'o' of surprise as his foot caught in the vanishing step. He fell in up to his thigh, but the momentum of his skipping carried his top half downwards, resulting in a very nasty bruise on the head.

Draco pouted, causing several girls five counties away to swoon unexpectedly.

Bobby snuck out from behind the statue and walked casually down the hallway. Once he had reached the top of the stairs he stopped and cleverly hid himself behind a tapestry to plan his next move.

He reached down to pull his beloved S.P.E.W. pin out of his pocket. Oh no! It wasn't there! However could he kill the Poof without it? He'd have to get… inventive.

So Bobby once more stepped out into the hallway and strolled casually down the stairs.

"Oh house-elf!" he heard a plaintive cry.

"What?" he asked irritably. Didn't these kids know he was busy?!

"House-elf, please help me! I'm stuck in the vanishing step and I've developed a nasty bruise!"

"Oh, so you're having trouble, eh, Blond Poof?"

"Who?" Draco asked curiously.

"You. Blond Poof. Tell me, why should I help you?"

"Because I'm cute?"

At this, the fan girls five counties away felt their hearts skip a beat.

"Strike one," Bobby said giving him a long, hard look.

"Um… Because I'll give you a makeover?"

Bobby looked affronted. "A makeover? You think I need a makeover?"

"Oh yes! For starters, you should replace that dreadful white tea towel with a… oh, a nice baby blue one. The white makes you look peaky."

"Strike two, Poofy."

Draco's face was the epitome of shock. He couldn't believe that anyone in his or her right mind would turn down a makeover.

"Oh for heavens' sake! Rescue me because I'm pretty! Plus my daddy's rich."

"Strike three, Blondie. Tough luck for you."

Bobby snapped his fingers and a breakfast tray appeared.

Taking it in his hands, he smashed it over Draco's head.

Now this is getting inventive.


But unfortunately, Bobby wasn't paying attention.

He had only knocked Draco out, not killed him.

The fan girls sighed in relief when he woke up a few hours later.

Unfortunately for Draco, he now had severe brain damage.

Fortunately, only a few seconds later, the Make-A-Wish Wizards cheerfully arrived.

"Hey, Draco Malfoy!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards greeted him happily. "Do you know why we're here?"

"No," Draco said slowly.

The Make-A-Wish Wizards got blank looks on their faces. "You don't?" — Draco shook his head — "Oh. Well, we've never gotten someone who… you know… doesn't know why we're here…."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

Suddenly one of the Make-A-Wish Wizards conjured up an official looking doctor.

"Tell him what we're here for," said the clever Make-A-Wish Wizard, in a very grammatically incorrect sort of way.

"Draco Malfoy," the doctor said in a very dull doctor sort of way. "The Make-A-Wish Wizards are here because you have extensive brain damage and are most likely dying. More specifically, they're here to take you to Disney Land for your last hoo-rah."

"Oh," Draco said slowly.

"Hang on tight!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said, cheerful once more.

"Ok," Draco said slowly.

They Apparated into a clean white room.

"HEY! You're not supposed to be able to Apparate in Hogwarts!" Ron Weasley shouted angrily. "Hermione's always telling me that it says that in Hogwarts: A History! I wouldn't know from experience because I've never read that book, but she says it's in there!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SPORK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" Bobby shouted back at him. Leaping through the air as gracefully as a house-elf could, Bobby landed on Ron's back and shoved a Bezoar down his throat. Ron was effectively choked and died yet again.


Meanwhile, in the clean white room, the Make-A-Wish Wizards were having Draco examined by a doctor to see how much time they would have at Disney Land.

The doctor slammed his stethoscope down on the examination table, scaring Draco witless.

"Well, it's the Broca's area in the frontal lobe. Fatally damaged. I'd give him about three weeks."

Fan girls everywhere cried.

"That settles it. We're going to Disney Land right now!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said in determinedly cheerful voices.

So off they Apparated to Disney Land, not caring that Muggles would be there.

"Well, Draco, it's your Disney trip, where do you want to go?" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said happily.

"Mickey!!" Draco said, less slowly than before.

"Alright! We'll take you to Mickey."

Draco was led carefully to Mickey Mouse.

"Hey, Blond Kid! What's with you?" Mickey said, even though he's not really supposed to talk.

"His Broca's area is fatally damaged," The Make-A-Wish Wizards explained.

"Oh. That meant nothing to me!" Mickey said. "But I see you're from Make-A-Wish, so I'll be nice!"

He hugged Draco tightly. Draco, in his weakened state, was partially suffocated by Mickey's embrace.

That was when Draco started going nuts.

"I love you Mickey! Come to my arms! Mickeeeyy!"

"I didn't think he was capable of that much speech!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said in shocked voices.

The Doctor randomly appeared. "He shouldn't be. But apparently I misdiagnosed him. He's just got a slight concussion. He's not going to die after all!"

Fan girls across the globe cheered.

"I'm not dying?" Draco asked slowly.

"He's not dying?" Bobby asked, Apparating into Disney World for no good reason.

"Nope," the Make-A-Wish Wizards said grimly. "Take him back to Hogwarts."

So Bobby did.

"I'm not dying!" Draco shouted gleefully once they were back in the school.

"You are if I have anything to say about it," Bobby said roughly. Grabbing the breakfast tray once more, Bobby bashed Draco in the head with it.

Then he stepped on his chest, impaling it with his sharp house-elf toenails.

This is what you get for having me be inventive, Bobby thought darkly.

Fan girls everywhere were torn between crying inconsolably and being grossed out.


Again, no offense to Make-A-Wish. No offense to Draco Fans (I'm killing everyone else, it was only a matter of time). No offense to anyone else who was offended.

Special thanks to my TWO idea boys (count 'em, TWO!) J and M. It's official, I have fans, I have idea boys, all I'm missing is Daniel Radcliffe. Sorry. :looks sheepish:

Happy Easter to all!