Holy shit, I haven't updated this in so long...

Neal frowned down at the clipboard, leaning against the desk. He could feel Zelena's eyes watching him intently as he slowly pulled out a chair and dragged it in front of the cell.

"Okay, Zelena," he said, still skimming the interrogation questions Emma had scribbled down for him. "So, apparently, I'm the only one you'll talk to today." He looked up, raising his eyebrows. "Why is that?"

She smiled wryly at him, tapping her pen against her lips. "You've got questions for me, I've got questions for you." Her eyes gleamed. "Specifically you."

Neal nodded as he sat backwards in the chair, resting his elbow on the back."All righty. Let's do this." He cleared his throat, glancing down at the paper. "Why were you so interested in David and Mary Margaret's baby?"

"It's an ingredient," Zelena said, smiling viciously. "For a spell I planned to enact. Now—"

"Oh, my God," Neal said in disgust, looking at her in disbelief. "That is disgusting. You're such a freak."

"Not like a cooking ingredient," Zelena said defensively. "I wasn't going to mince it or anything."

"Mmm-hmm," Neal said, still looking at her suspiciously. "And what spell—"

"Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh," Zelena said, holding up a finger to shush him. "It's my turn."

He twitched his mouth back and forth, reluctant to answer. "All right. Shoot."

Zelena grinned wickedly, leaning forward. "Did you ever abuse Emma?"

Neal's eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me?"

"Did you ever hit her? Throw things at her? Toss her across the room?"

Neal's jaw dropped. "Why in the name of God would I do any of that?" he said in horror. Zelena's smile faded in disappointment.

"Not once?"

"No!"

"Not even just a little—"she pinched her fingers together—"eensy beensy clonk on the head?"

"Of course I didn't!" Neal said, shocked by the accusation.

"Never had to straighten her out, remind her who's boss?"

"Are you high?"

Zelena slumped in her seat. "Damn," she said glumly. "I was hoping you could help me with my fanfiction."

"Your fanfiction?" Neal repeated, hoping he had misheard.

"I wanted to write something really authentic." She frowned, tapping the pen against her lips thoughtfully. "I suppose I could just try to make it up, but I'd've loved to have a real experience to write from…"

"Okay, one, you sound really pretentious right now; and two, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Neal stared at her with wide, horrorstruck eyes. "You're actually disappointed I didn't physically abuse an innocent woman?"

"I'm a writer, Neal!" Zelena snapped.

"You're not, but okay."

"I need to give my work life, I need to give it a soul!" she said breathlessly, making dramatic gestures with her hands. "And in the piece I'm working on, Emma Swan is tragically abused by her boyfriend, Neal, until her knight in shining armor comes in the form of social worker, Killian Jones, who is haunted by his childhood memories of his alcoholic father!"

Neal cocked his head to the side, his mouth opening to ask a question, when he suddenly remembered the paper in his hands. He shook his head, trying to clear. "Okay, so that is disturbing on so many different levels, but we got to keep rolling. So, you want to tell me what that spell you were working on is?"

"Oh, that doesn't matter anymore, Neal! I'm over that!" Zelena snapped. "I've got a new plan—a better plan!"

"Oh?" Neal raised his eyebrows. "Well, you want to tell me about it?"

"I don't, but I will," she sniffed, lifting her chin. "Because I'm not worried. I will bring this town to its knees, and there's nothing you can do to stop it…Nealfire."

"'S'cuse me?"

"Nealfire, your name is Nealfire!" she said impatiently. "It's a mixture of 'Baelfire' and 'Neal', you simpleton!"

"But..my name is Neal—"

"UGH!" Zelena threw her head back exasperatedly. "You are impossible! I don't know what Emma sees in you!"

Neal shrugged. "I'm adorable?"

"True," she admitted grudgingly. "But that's not going to matter for much longer."

"And why is that?" Neal asked, leaning forward in his seat. "What makes you so sure?"

Zelena's eyes gleamed. "Because war is coming to Storybrooke," she hissed. "I will crush every opposition in my path, I will slaughter every man, woman, and child who dares defy me! Captain Swan will RISE—!" she lifted her fist in the air, her voice ringing out—"And Swanfire will fall."

Neal crinkled his brow. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, shaking his head. "What's a swan fire?"

"I'm talking about the shipping wars, you fool!" Zelena gripped the bars, baring her teeth at him. "'Captain Swan' is Emma and Hook, 'Swanfire' is you and Emma, and the war is coming! Prepare yourself, Nealfire—" she spat the name like it was poison—"for the Age of Captain Swan is coming! Your sun will set, and his star will rise! You will—!"

"Okay," Neal sighed, getting up from his chair. "You've gone off the deep end."

"Heed my warning, Nealfire!" she shouted after him. "I have ways! I may be trapped in this cell, but I will raise such passion, such fury, you don't even know! I have fan fiction, you foolish man! Fan fiction! It will incite such rage and passion, you will rue—"

"Awesome, that sounds really cool," Neal said over her, opening the door. "So, listen, I'm going to tell everyone you're a crazy bitch—"

"OLD NEWS!"

"Well, then, I'm just going to tell them that you're still a crazy bitch." Neal gave her a tight smile. "Take care, now."

"I WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE!" she screamed after him. "YOU WILL HEAR MY FAN FICTION, AND YOU WILL CRUMBLE BENEATH ITS AWESOMENESS AND THE TRUE LOVE OF CAPTAIN SWAN! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY, NEALFIRE! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!"