A/N: This is Clarke's POV the morning after they did the do ;)
"Hey, Clarke. It's me. I'm sorry for not answering your call earlier. I just … I uh, I guess I just don't know what to say. I still don't. I noticed you were gone when I woke up and I just want to say that I … I'm sorry. I'm sorry Clarke. I don't know what else to say. If you get this message, please, call me back."
Clarke had listened to the voicemail for the fifth time. Red puffy eyes and the dry water marks on her cheeks were evidence that she had been crying. Her shoulders shook as the sound of Lexa's voice filled her apartment. When the message ended, she turned her phone off and stood up from the stool she had been sitting on.
The blonde knew that she should have regretted what happened last night; she knew that she should have felt guilty that she cheated on Raven, both physically and emotionally. Clarke let herself succumb to her inner desires and what shocked her most was not because she slept with Lexa; it's the realization that she didn't regret it. Clarke had been studying Lexa's features when the brunette woke up, and instead of moving away like she was suppose to when Lexa scooted over and snuggled against her, the blonde wrapped her arms around the sleeping brunette and pulled her close. It hit her then.
This is wrong. Her mind screamed at her.
But how could something that feels so right be wrong? Her heart countered.
Shaking her head, she slowly untangled herself from the sleeping brunette and slipped out of the sheets. She stumbled in the darkness of the room and tried her best to locate her clothes and quickly got dressed. When she turned around to have a last glimpse of the woman sleeping on the bed, brunette curls splayed all over the pillow and her arm stretched, as if reaching for Clarke in the empty side of the bed, she realized that all she wanted in that moment was to crawl back under the covers and feel Lexa's body against her.
But you can't, her mind tells her, this isn't where you're supposed to be.
So she walked out of Lexa's hotel room and left; thinking that this was the best thing to do.
She got home just a little after four in the morning and noticed that someone was asleep on her couch. She felt her heart drop to the floor at the sight of the detective.
Raven.
Carefully she made her way towards the couch and knelt down, noticing the half empty bottle of vodka on the table. She sighed and lightly shakes the sleeping detective, waking her up. "Rae, wake up."
A groan was heard.
"Rae, wake up. You can't sleep on the couch. You hate sleeping on the couch."
"Clarke?" Raven's voice was raspy from sleep, "What time is it?"
"It's a little past four. Why are you in my apartment?"
Raven slowly sat up on the couch, letting out a yawn and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "You gave me a key, remember?"
Clarke nodded and sat beside Raven, "But why are you here?"
"You didn't come."
"What?"
"You told me you were coming to the Dropship but you didn't show up."
Clarke mentally kicked herself; how could she forget? She was planning to go after she had spoken to Lexa. But then things happened, words were exchanged, they kissed, and one thing lead to another and the next thing Clarke knew she was moaning and whimpering under Lexa's touch.
"I lost track of time." That wasn't a lie.
"I came by around 10 and you weren't here. Where were you?"
With Lexa.
"I got called to the hospital, something about a consult."
The lie felt heavy as it passed through her lips. It made her skin crawl and it was as if there was an invincible weight pressing against her chest. She was praying to whatever god was up there that Raven buy it and would let it go, but the blonde could feel the detective's eyes on her; as if those brown eyes were silently saying that she knew that she was lying. But then the detective simply nodded and got up, slightly swaying as she made her way to the door. Clarke was behind her in an instant. Raven smelled of alcohol and even if she knew Raven can handle her liquor, Clarke will be damned if she let Raven drive home intoxicated. "Oh, no. You're not driving home in this state." She snatched the keys from Raven's hand and threw them in the bowl on the table beside the door. She heard Raven grumble something gibberish under her breath and tried a poor attempt to maneuver around Clarke to get her keys.
"Clarke, give me my keys." Raven demanded.
Clarke just shook her head and pulled Raven with her towards her bedroom. She laid the drunken woman down on the bed and undressed her until she was down to her panties and undershirt. The blonde brushed a strand of hair behind Raven's ear and the brunette leaned in the touch, smiling up at the blonde.
"I love you, Clarke."
Clarke suddenly found it hard to breath and she could feel the tears starting to build up. A sickening feeling was gnawing at the pit of her stomach and was forcing its way up her chest and squeezing at her heart. She forced a smile and kissed Raven's forehead. "Sleep, Rae." Once the blonde was certain that the detective was sleeping, she let out a long heavy sigh and left the room. She padded into the bathroom, stripped her clothes off and stepped in the shower. As she showered, she scrubbed her body until her skin turned red, washing away the traces and smell of Lexa lingering on her skin. But the hot water pouring down on her could only wash away the physical evidence of what transpired between the two last night, soap studs and water went down the drain but the memories and the images that appear behind her eyelids whenever she closes her eyes are still there. She couldn't forget how Lexa's lips felt on her skin, how Lexa's fingers were shaking as the brunette stripped her of her clothes, she could still feel Lexa's soft touches against her skin.
Clarke looked down at the faint scar on both of her wrists and swallowed the lump in her throat. She hadn't told Lexa about them. She tried to keep it hidden whenever the brunette was around and the only time Lexa saw them was the day when she first arrived at the precinct. Since then, Clarke took extra precautions to ensure that Lexa won't see them and raise any concerns from the brunette. During their intimate experience last night, Clarke was worried that Lexa would see the scars but she sighed in relief when the room was just dark enough and that Lexa didn't seem to notice them. These scars were a reminded of a dark time and she couldn't find it in herself to share that piece of her to Lexa. Yes, Lexa may be the reason why Clarke had these scars, both physically and emotionally, but Clarke knows that the blame isn't just on Lexa. And Clarke knows that if Lexa founds out the story behind these scars, Lexa wouldn't be able to forgive herself. Clarke may not have fully forgiven Lexa for leaving, and the wounds may not be fully healed, but Clarke thinks she understood why Lexa left. She understood Lexa's need to protect herself from the unbearable pain of seeing someone you love, love someone else. She understood it. She just wasn't sure if she could forgive Lexa just yet.
Changing into sweatpants and a tank top, Clarke grabbed some pillows and a blanket and curled up on the couch. She couldn't face Raven, not yet at least. Not after the lies she just told her and what she did. After an hour of just tossing and turning around, Clarke gave up on sleeping and made her way to the kitchen, setting the kettle on the stove and heating up some water to make tea. While waiting, she sat on a stool and looked at her phone. It's only six in the morning but Clarke knew Lexa is an early riser, and it's as if her hands have a mind of its own, and the next thing she knew, she was calling Lexa. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest as she listened to the rings. One. Two. Three. And then it went dead. Clarke pulled her phone back and stared at the screen. Lexa ignored the call.
Was she regretting what happened last night?
The blonde bit her lip and kept the tears that were threatening to spill at bay. Just then the kettle started to whistle and she moved to turn off the stove. She made herself a cup of tea and took little sips while her mind took her to places that made her ache for the presence of a certain brunette. She jumped slightly when her phone rang and when she saw who was calling, her heart rate spiked up again.
Lexa.
She didn't even know why she called the agent. And now that the agent was calling her back, she wasn't sure she wanted to answer that call. Before she could make up her mind, her phone stopped ringing and a few seconds later the screen lit up again saying she had a voicemail. With shaky hands she unlocked her phone, played the voicemail and brought the phone up to her ear. The moment she heard Lexa's voice, tears sprung from her eyes despite her best efforts to stop them, she bit the inside of her cheeks to stop the sounds that's threatening to come out of her mouth. She hadn't expected that just hearing the other woman's voice will have this effect on her. Lexa's voice was so soft and gentle and even so, Clarke could hear the pain in them. She could hear the longing and loss in that voice.
After listening to the voicemail over and over again, Clarke shook her head and stood up from the stool; her tea had gone cold and was forgotten. She couldn't stay here. Not when Raven was sleeping peacefully in her room and the guilt she felt for not even regretting her actions last night was eating her alive. She needed to leave. As quietly as she could, she entered her bedroom and quickly dressed up for work. Might as well use her work as a distraction, she thought. Before leaving, she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a note. She left it at the bedside table for Raven to see when she wakes up together with a glass of water and two aspirins.
Had to leave for work early. Take the aspirin and drink the whole glass, you drank quite a bit last night. I'll see you in a few hours. –Clarke
Clarke had arrived at the station 15 minutes ago but the moment she parked her car, she suddenly felt the urge to turn the car around and lock herself up in her apartment.
What if I see Lexa? She asked herself.
Don't be ridiculous. The homicide unit is six floors above you. She scolded herself.
She shook her head on how stupid she must look debating with herself and turned off the engine and climbed out of the car. Crossing the parking lot, she pushed open the door to the station and smiled at the cop at the front desk and headed straight for the elevators. She pressed the B1 button and the metal box started its slow descend towards the morgue. The click of her heels echoed through the hallway as she walked past the labs and the morgue and into the office of the medical examiner. She was a little early to be at work but she didn't mind. Since she started working here, she found the quietness of the morgue soothing and it helped her relax and calmed down.
Clarke flicked a switch and light flooded the room. She walked towards the desk and grabbed a stack of folders that were there. Might as well read this reports and check them. She told herself as she settled on the couch that was placed on the corner of the office, Abby had put it there when she had to stay late for work and was too spent to travel back home. Clarke had imagined her mom passing out on this couch with autopsy reports spread around her.
Halfway through reading a lab report, the loud ringing of her phone broke the silence that had enveloped her and she fished around her bag until her fingers grasped the device and answered the call.
"Doctor Griffin." She answered.
"Doctor Griffin, It's Agent Callaway" Clarke stiffened when she heard the name. Why is she calling? Did Lexa talk to her? Had Lexa told her what happened last night? "Is this a bad time?"
"No, no. It's alright." Clarke said, "What can I do for you, Agent Callaway?"
"Our profiler will be joining us this morning around 10 to provide us a more detailed profile on our copycat. We thought that it'd be a good idea if you and the other Doctor Griffin joined us since you're both working on the case as well."
"Oh." Clarke heaved a sighed. She was planning to hide down here and avoid seeing Lexa but it seemed the gods of faith had a different plan for her. Just the thought of seeing Lexa after what happened last night both terrified and excited her at the same time. Clarke wasn't sure if she can trust herself to not reach out and touch Lexa when she finally had a taste of what it feels like to be close the brunette. Not to mention the fact that Raven will surely be there; having Raven and Lexa in the same room is not exactly something she was really looking forward to. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Yeah, of course. We'll be there."
"Great. I'll see you at 10, Doctor Griffin."
The call ended and Clarke tossed the phone on the couch beside her and tried to get back to reading the report she was reading before the call but when she had read the same paragraph in the past five minutes without really understanding the words, she gave up and tossed the report on the table in front of her and leaned back on the couch. She felt her phone vibrate signaling a text message.
Raven: Good morning, princess. Thank you for the water and the aspirin.
Clarke: Anything for you. No hangover?
Raven: Nope. Thanks to you ;)
Clarke bit her lower lip and tried to push back the feeling of guilt trying to break free inside her. Raven seemed to believe her last night.
Raven: A profiler from the FBI will be coming and help us know the copycat better. Want to join us? I can drop by the morgue and we can head up together.
Clarke: Agent Callaway already asked me and I said yes.
Raven: My my, doctor. Cheating on me with an FBI Agent?
It was like a bucket of ice cold water has been dumped on her and she lost all her senses. Her chest hurt, her lungs are refusing to accept air, and her heart is ridiculously beating at a fast pace.
She couldn't possibly know, could she?
Breathe, Clarke. Breathe. Raven is just messing around.
Clarke: Well, Agent Callaway is pretty damn hot if I say so myself.
Raven: You have exquisite taste in woman, Griffin ;) So I'll see you at 10?
Clarke: Yeah. I'll see you at 10.
Raven: Can't wait! I miss you already. I love you. :)
Clarke: Love you.
Clarke leaned back on the couch and wondered not for the first what the hell she was doing.
And so that's how Clarke found herself staring at those striking chocolate eyes.
"Costia Greene. I'm Lexa's partner." Costia smiled and extended her hand for Clarke to shake. Clarke clenched her jaw at the word "partner" and forced herself not to show how much that single word affected. She remembered Lexa telling her that there was someone back in Washington but instead she surged forward and stopped whatever words that were suppose to come out of Lexa's lips with a kiss.
Clarke forced a smile on her face even though every cell in her body screamed at her to turn around and run. She gripped Costia's hand and shook it. "Clarke Griffin. I was Lexa's best friend."
Costia raised an eyebrow at her as she pulled her hand away. "Was?"
Before Clarke could answer, Anya cleared her throat and jerked a thumb behind her, pointing at the incident room where Lieutenant Hosh, Lincoln, Octavia, and Raven are already waiting. "I hate to break up this little "let's get to know each other" vibe but we better join the others inside. They're waiting for us. And Lieutenant Hosh seems like she's about to chop someone's head off if we keep her waiting for much longer."
Lexa nodded her head eagerly, desperate to get out of this awkward situation she found herself into. Anya looked at her curiously but Lexa just waved her off and took Costia's hand and led her inside the incident room.
"Is she Lexa's …" The words got stuck in Clarke's throat and she tried to swallow it down. But Anya seemed to know what she was asking because she nodded.
Clarke knew there was someone. She knew because Lexa tried to tell her. But that someone didn't actually exist for Clarke until now. For Clarke, Costia didn't exist last night. Costia didn't exist when Clarke kiss Lexa and told her that they'll never know if they didn't try. Costia didn't exist when Clarke was mapping out Lexa's body with her mouth. Costia didn't exist when Clarke got lost looking in those emerald eyes that never failed to take her breath away.
But Costia does exist.
Clarke only fooled herself into believing that the woman was nothing more than just some person back in Washington that kept Lexa's bed warm. But now that she met her, she could see it.
Costia Greene isn't just some person.
She knows because she saw the way Lexa was looking at Costia. She knows because, at some point before their lives were turned up side down, Lexa used to look at her the same way.
A/N: comments? suggestions? any violent reactions? :P
