Here's something somebody (that motherfuckin' somebody being Pottermore) forgot to give me the delirious bizznasty on. The thing you combine your sprite egg with also becomes what your enemies resemble. So when the monsters in The Medium attack your treehouse, they all look like Fretardsprite. Except toothier. And meaner.
And they're made of glittery rainbow shit, like my Cruxite towels. Fuck. DOWELS. It's not a speech impediment, okay. God.
So basically, I'm facing down a huge fucking horde of glittery, two-headed, lazy-eyed poor-ass anatomy monsters varying in size. And I can't even make my fucking escape out the windows because there is literally nothing outside. The Medium is a fucking void. It's just my treehouse, and a little patch of land for my treehouse to stand on. Then nothing.
So I'm pretty much accurately in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere surrounded by monsters, and trying to get through something called a gate which is way up in the fucking sky (at least, I think it's the sky, because everything's the same goddamn color of inky fucking blackness so I've no clue). And guess what? I have literally no idea how to get up there, or what to do, or where to go.
[Ficwad (FW) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]
FW: okey so
FW: now what?
PM: You in the Medium, pigeon?
FW: yeh
PM: So get out.
I nearly kill my computer. Gee, that's super helpful! A poorly-built Imp starts shambling towards me, and I boot it across the room into a wall. It literally bursts on impact, shattering into a shower of shiny stuff. A blue shiny rolls near my feet and I pick it up. It's about the size of a hazelnut. Before I can get a closer look at it, it vanishes. Just ecaporates. EV. AH. POR. ATES. There we go.
I scoop up the res of the shinies and they just poof away too. What the hell.
PM: So there's a Grist Cache.
PM: We're all pooling Grist there to use TOGETHER AS A TEAM.
PM: My idea.
FW: So is that where my shinys are going or wut?
PM: Yep :)
PM: So take some Grist and make yourself a Punch Designix.
FW: Why? nobody cares about the specifies of how i play the dam game.
PM: First off, yes they do too, it shows attention to detail.
PM: Second, dam game. :)
FW: oh. heh. okay.
The Punch Designix is installed by yours truly on top of a couple of totally nasty little basilisks. It looks like a piano. Basically, according to the internet, it lets you put a capchalogue card into...y'know what? This shizz is giving me a headache, and I don't really care to explain it. Just know that I'm following this stupid procedure within an inch of it's life and I am going to Alchemize some serious good stuff. Seriously, nobody cares about me installing more machines into my house.
But basically, it's awesome. Just like me.
The first thing I want to do is get myself some awesome weapons. Like, I've got these really old rifles, called One-Shots and Two-shots. Blocky as hell. Ugly as sin. Always jam. No flow. Et cetera.
BUT I can combine them with a few things, like my MCR poster, and I'll get a new gun. And I really, really, want a new gun. So I just jump in and start kicking major ass. I know I'm a vegetarian, but these things will kill me unless I kill them first. Even though I like, never pay attention to cousin FP, I am so fucking glad I know how to snap necks. My computer pings after about fifteen minutes of solid carnage, and I chase all the beasties back to check my messages.
PM: Okay, the Grist just spiked a ton. That you, pigeon?
FW: READY AND ACCOUNTED FOR! IMA GET WEAPPONS!
I quickly do a combination doohickey and make Headfirst for Headshots, a totes awesome sniper rifle. Get it? GET IT?! HEADSHOTS INSTEAD OF HALOS JUST LIKE MCR YOU GUYS!
And since there's still like a shit ton of grist left I make some awesome custom armor from an old knight costume and more MCR shit. Bulletproof Heartguard. I look like Tron, but purple and black and red lines on my armored wrists. Sweet. I even built in my computer to the Heartguard helmet. Since I took grist, I must put grist back, so I just get right back to work. Blast the head off a toothy little guy and shove my foot down the throat of another. No idea how to get out of The Medium yet, and then guess who shows up? Fretardsprite. And it looks like he figured out the whole talking thing.
"Furkwerd! Mernsters!" he shouts, banging his head on the ceiling.
"Yeah, I know! Dealing with it!"
"Ferkwerd! Erm Scared!" Fretardsprite wails. Ugh. "If you're scared, see if you can find a way outta here, got it?" I shout, swinging Headfirst around in an arc to smash the face in of a snake-like little number. Bodies are really starting to pile up.
"Urkay! Lerve you!"
What? "...Love you too. Retard," I mutter. Fretardsprite floats through the window, analyzing the treehouse. I don't think he heard my last remark.
A message pops up on the corner of my visor.
Huh. I don't think I know this person. Like, at all.
[? (DA) messaged Ficwad Dot-Net (FW)!]
DA: Konichiwa, Ficwad-chan!
FW: what even. who are you.
DA: ~(^u^)~
FW: don't help much, random girl.
FW: or boy. whatevs.
DA: Hee hee!
DA: My name is...
DA: Imoto-Genki Kokoro-Miko Yume Doki Doki!
FW: what the fuck no way.
FW: im Ficwad.
DA: Ohayo Ficwad! Can I be ur patron player for this super-sugoi game?
FW: wut is a patron playa yo.
DA: Hee hee! OuO
DA: A patron player is somebody who helps out another player in another session!
DA: It's watashi if u want to continue at this game.
I pause, monster in my grip trying to break out of my stranglehold.
Help would be good. Help would be excellent. But do I want her help?
FW: sounds good. my sprite's completely useless, and my server's busy.
DA: Hee hee! Arigato, Ficwad-chan!
DA: (=OwO=)
FW: dat a kitty face. look at the kitty face.
DA: Kawaii, ne?
FW: so motherfucking kawaii.
DA: EEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
DA: Let's be bestus friends desu!
FW: hahaha lolz sure.
FW: wait. gimme a name. Because that lolita shit is totes not it.
DA: ;n;
DA: My birth name is DeviantArt. Maid of heart.
FW: that so hard?
DA: Ganbatte, Ficwad-chan. Ja-ne!
I have no idea what that chick was saying half the time, But whatever, y'know? "Pull up message!" I say, and my chat screen comes back up.
[Ficwad Dot-Net (FW) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]
FW: so how do i do the out thang
PM: I'm so sorry! I've been neglecting you!
PM: Here, I'll build some floors on to your treehouse so you can reach the gate easier.
There's this series of crashes, like something dropping, and I'm thinking, Oh great, more machines. Looking out the window, Pottermore's tacked on several more floors of the same freaking treehouse. It's trippy, and I sort of want a portal gun now.
I swing my body out the window, and start climbing up.
"Ferkwerd Clermb! Me clermb too!" Fretardsprite burbles, floating around me.
"Oh, shut up," I snap, aiming with one hand to blow the head off an imp that looked at me sideways. My legs start cramping, and the branches seem to be really far apart. But I can't choke now. So I keep climbing, and I make it to the top floor of my stacktreehouse. Accomplishment makes me feel light, which is weird, because I don't know how close I am to the gate. Man, it's dark. Oooh, look, a shape!
Oh, fuck, shape with giant mouth!
"Ogre!" I scream, although nobody can really hear me. The ogre is really glittery and pretty and rainbowy. I bet it holds a ton of grist, but that thing is freaking enormous!
"Oh, balls!" I shout, holding up my rifle. Maybe that'll scare it off.
No dice. The ogre roars, beady eye fixing on me.
"Oh, balls!" I shout again, taking aim.
The ogre raises a fist to smack me to paste.
"OH, BALLS!"
The shot goes true, right into the eye. I run and jump onto the ogre while it's blinded, climbing upwards, uneven skin giving me enough space to clamber, and right into the jelly of it's eye, and start shooting. Shooting, hacking, anything, just kill it!
And then it dies, exploding into a shit ton of grist.
I collect it all, and receive some happy messages from the rest of my team. I step over and let Pottermore add the rest of the floors to get me up to the gate. But right before I go through, DA messages me again.
[Deviant Art (DA) messaged Ficwad Dot-Net (FW)!]
DA: Arigato Ficwad-chan!
DA: We are BFFSIES, ja ne?
FW: okay, sure
DA: SUPER MEGA GOSSIP TIMEEE!
FW: whoa alright then.
DA: ugh ugh ugh nobody in my session's even CLOSE to my age.
DA: WE ARE PRACTICALLY TWINS OKAY!
FW: Enfusiasm!
FW: wait, fuck. Enthusiasm*
DA: So you are Sylph of Doom and Derse dreamer b/c you are super deep!
DA: I am Prospit because I am super duper positive!
FW: You think I'm deep?
DA: No! The game does!
DA: Can I tell you a secret?
FW: aight.
DA: My session's only in contact with yours b/c we need a knight to breed frogs.
FW: What the actual fuck are you talking about.
DA: ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR IN THE LIGHT OF SKAIA. HAIL THE HORRORTERRORS! (*u*)
And then I hop through the gate because this girl is fucking terrifying.
