Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed yourselves! I, personally, am STUFFED from eating far too many chocolate, crackers&cheese, and these amazing Galaxy hot chocolate sachets that Santa gave me. Gods they're really yummy and amazing ;)
Anyway, this chapter follows on from the previous one, and for those of you who keep asking a CERTAIN QUESTION about Caroline, here's your answer; read and find out! Hehe. x
If someone asked Klaus to recall the flight back to Mystic Falls, he wouldn't be able to remember a single damn thing.
His mind was far too wrapped up in Caroline's reveal. In fact, he didn't even remember most of the flight, going through any security sections, or the ride home for that matter. Klaus took a guess that they were rather uneventful. Neither Esther nor Rebekah managed to notice his closed off state, and Caroline kept her distance the entire time. She always positioning herself between Rebekah and Esther, or even making small talk with the elderly lady on her right-hand side on the plane.
All Klaus could think about was her illness; nothing more, nothing less.
Her words were stuck on repeat, overlapping; as if being played on a painfully loud broken record, and Klaus felt a bitter numbness settling into his bloodstream. It seemed to build up a familiar wall, a warning barrier against the expected pain and anger he'd felt the previous night. It was immature, and unbearably selfish, of course Klaus realised this, but it didn't stop him from turning away and remaining silent the entire journey home. It was too much to deal with. If he thought about it, he wouldn't stop. It would turn to a twisted rage, much like the anger that fuelled him into punching Mikael. And afterwards, on the walk back to the hotel, Klaus had been ashamed at his lack of control.
So when they returned to Mystic Falls, Klaus buried himself in studying for his finals, coming up in the following month, and lasting through till the end of summer, where he would then graduate…or fail. He threw himself into working and re-learning and revising every scientific term and technique; every statistical definition; every poetry method, from analysing to writing his own. Klaus focused on everything from chemistry formulas to the square root of an average-sized mansion. He decided that if he couldn't control Caroline's illness, then he would be in control of his grades, if nothing else. The entire notion was ridiculous, but Klaus was desperately clinging to his sanity, and he could think of nothing else to do. Every time he allowed himself time to think, Klaus began to recall how selfish he was being; how heartless; how unthinkably cruel.
Every now and then, during a particularly warm afternoon of studying, part of his thoughts would become muddled, and he'd accidently doodle Caroline's name amidst pages of calculations, or in-between a line of Tennyson's poetry. He then angrily scribbled over it with a black felt tip, pressing hard until it broke through the paper. Despite this, he felt no relief, however, and reached across the turn the volume up on his music player, jamming at the buttons until a violent clash of guitars and drums bled into his thoughts, drowning Caroline's face out of his mind.
Though it would never last long, and Klaus would eventually repeat the entire cycle over and over again; studying, pausing, refuelling his anger, burying the anger underneath loud music, and force himself back into study mode. It was unhealthy, and he was dancing on the edge of a fine, cruel line. A nagging reminder instructed him to fill the void that Caroline had left. Because if he allowed himself to think of her any longer, he'd snap. He would break and snap, and that could never be undone. There would be no way to return after that. He'd have to face those terrible facts. Caroline was dying, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that Klaus could do about it.
One evening, Klaus took a rare break, and made his way downstairs, and paused at the living room door. Small, dainty sobs echoed from inside the room, and Rebekah's cries were unmistakable. Klaus waited, head pressed against the door, straining to listen to the conversation.
"…he's studying so hard though…I know….I am proud…so proud…but he shuts himself away, even more so than he used to."
Klaus ignored the growing tension reverting through his nerves, urging him to listen no further.
"He hasn't spoken to me in months either…I don't know…" Stefan's soothing voice broke through, and Klaus heard his friend sigh from behind the door. "I don't know…Rebekah…he won't listen…"
Leave me alone, mate, Klaus silently begged.
"…Caroline…"
Hearing her name, his throat immediately tightened, but Klaus remained rooted to the other wise of the door, ear pressed against the wood.
"He was opening up more; finally learning to trust others and enjoy family and life more. He was relaxed, teasing, even smiled and laughed at all my little stories. Even the cheerleading ones, Stefan!" A sob escaped from Rebekah, and she sniffed for a few moments before carrying on. "But after the trip…it's like he's reverted again. Do you know what happened that evening? Has he said anything to you? Anything at all?"
"No, I'm sorry. You know if there was something I could do, or something I knew, I would tell you. Hey, hey…Rebekah, it's okay…shh…" Stefan's tone dropped a notch softer, and Klaus was pleased that his friend was there for Rebekah, when he couldn't be. "Listen to me, if he needs you, he'll come to you. But don't worry, I'm here. I won't leave you…hey…come here…"
Klaus closed his eyes, head resting against this door as he listened to Rebekah sobs break through the silence. Despite her obvious sadness, Klaus gave a small smile. He was glad for his sister and friend. At least they both had someone to hold, someone to love and comfort, which was more than Klaus deserved. And he knew that whatever happened to him, they would both have each other. And they deserved each other, supported one another wholly and completely. His sister was in good hands, and so was his best friend.
One less thing to worry about.
One less bout of damage that Klaus could guarantee he wouldn't destroy.
Much to his distress, Esther noticed too.
Though he should've expected it. After all, a mother's eye can see through the toughest skin, and she must've told Elijah, who urgently attempted to get hold of Klaus over the phone at least twice a week, though Klaus shook his head every time. "I'm studying, maybe another time." He'd excuse. Or, "I have a calculus paper tomorrow, and I want to go over a few things tonight. I'll call you back soon." The lies became more and more easy. Mock essays, real exams, coursework deadlines. Klaus used all the excuses in the book. Though, in all fairness, they were not lies, and Klaus worked and revised until his eating and sleeping schedule became more and more unpredictable.
It was only after a few exams passed that Klaus could no longer ignore the growing bitter feeling gnawing and eating away inside his thoughts. They urged him to reconsider his behaviour, and he slowly, began to listen. A few days before his Literature exam, he finally gathered up enough strength and relative calmness over his emotions and found himself riding over to the Forbes house before he had time to reconsider it.
The traffic was good, and Klaus was glad, for if there was even the slightest signs of a jam, he would've bolted, excusing the visit and going back to his bad habits, avoiding the issue for just a little while longer.
Pulling up outside was like pulling up alongside a funeral parlour, and Klaus ignored the sickening taste of blood and bile against his tongue, chugging back water from a sport's bottle until he reached the door. He had no idea what to say. Hell, he didn't even know where to begin; to apologise for how he had reacted, or apologise for all the times he avoided Caroline's gaze, or buried himself into work instead of spending time with her. Nothing would excuse his selfishness.
I have to try though, Klaus thought with a newfound sense of determination. I love her.
He brought up a shaking hand to knock on the door. But just at that moment, the door swung open, revealing Bill Forbes.
The older man stared at him for a few moments with a solemn expression, and Klaus knew that Caroline had informed her father of Klaus' awareness. Judging by the cool stare and thin-set mouth, Bill also knew that Klaus had avoided her for the past weeks as well. The tension was thick and unsettling. Unsure of whether to speak, Klaus shifted on the front porch, wishing this moment could end.
After another minute passed, Bill finally took a step closer, closing the front door behind him. "Please listen to what I have to say before you speak." He began, and Klaus looked up to notice that the reverend's eyes were no longer cold, but instead, distant and sad.
"I know you want to help her. But trust me when I say, the best way you can help is to let Caroline go. I will protect her, she won't be alone, and I can promise you that. But if you care for my daughter, if you care for her at all, you'll stay away. Please." Bill looked at him sadly again, and his eyes told Klaus that he was simply a father protecting his daughter, wanting to protect her from heartbreak and sorrow. "It's for the best."
Realising how similar they both were, Klaus decided to take a risk. He lifted his chin. "Forgive me, but how do you know that's the best thing for her? Or for me? Or the both of us?"
The reverend blinked, taken aback for a few moments, so Klaus used this to his advantage. He hadn't realised what his intentions were, though now he knew for certain; he was here to make amends; to remind Caroline of what they shared. "I've been selfish and a complete fool but will you please just tell Caroline that I'm not going anywhere, and that I'll wait for her. I'll wait every night if I have to. Please…tell her that. I made a mistake before. I was selfish and an idiot, and too wrapped up in my own sadness to think of hers. But I love her. And I realise that I love her more than I care about hurting myself."
Klaus swallowed, blinking away at the tears forming behind his eyes. He managed a nod in Bill's direction, and took a few steps towards his motorcycle. "Good evening, sir."
True to his word, Klaus waited for Caroline an entire month.
He never once went out of his way to search for her though, because he understood that if she wanted space then he wouldn't press her further. It was her choice now. It would always be her choice from now on. If love is about wanting the best for the other person, then Klaus accepted that he might never love or hold Caroline again. The waiting was torture but Klaus somehow knew that Bill had recited his words back to Caroline, and it was her decision to speak to him again.
All he could do, as he'd promised, was wait.
So Klaus gathered up his study books – for the few exams he had left - and dusted off the art canvases he'd shoved to one side, and worked late into the night at the cemetery. The moonlight shining down on the graves provided him with the light he needed to study under. 1 month. 34 days. 816 hours. But Caroline never showed, and Klaus began to lose hope; that he had been given his last chance, and lost it before it even began.
One night, Klaus stared up at the dark sky, praying to whatever stars were listening. Where are you, Caroline?
I'm here, Caroline prayed, Why won't you just turn around?
That same night, she almost went in.
It would be so simple, so easy, she realises. She envisioned herself leaning forwards, pushing open the gate, listening to its expected metallic squeak, and watch as Klaus heard the noise, spinning around and most likely embracing her with no intention of letting go. And they'd both cry, probably. They'd apologise and hug and kiss and embrace, talk sweet words and pointless fillers until they came to a ridiculously romantic agreement in which both would never let the other go again.
But Caroline knew she had to keep her distance.
For Klaus' benefit, not hers.
Though the longer Caroline stayed watching outside the cemetery gates, the harder it became for her to leave, and so, after a few weeks, the blonde forced herself to stay at home; burying herself in the rapidly approaching exams, following Klaus' lead. Fortunately, her excellent attendance and good work ethnic allowed Caroline a little freedom to become distracted, as long as it wasn't for a long space of time.
However, after a few exams passed by, she began to notice Klaus. She'd done her best to avoid him, look away and refuse his gaze, but she couldn't hide any longer. He looked just as wrecked as she felt; face pale, worn with a completely emotionally drained expression. His dark eyes held painfully obvious circles underneath, and the slump of his shoulders made her wince, for Caroline recognised it from many looks of her own reflection in the mirror.
Why can't this be easy? Couldn't he be happy and healthy and moving on? That would make me feel just a tiny bit better. True, after Klaus had pulled away from her in Massechutes, Caroline had felt scared and somewhat betrayed, but more than anything, she understood his reaction, and accepted it.
This felt worse, much worse, and Caroline didn't want to accept that this was how their story would end so that night, she drove over to the Mikaelsen house.
When she arrived, she silenced the engine and carefully closed the car door behind her; careful not to startle Klaus, who was working on something in the garage.
He was dressed in dark jeans, a low-cut white V-neck, and for a moment, just a moment, Caroline allowed herself to stare in appreciation. Taunt muscles tighten underneath the material as Klaus pulled and tweaked at various cogs inside their family car, splashes of dark oil dashed across the floor and covering his fingertips. Those dark eyes light up, for a second or two, when he turned and noticed Caroline standing there, but then they faded; becoming even darker, echoing the sadness that Caroline knew lied inside her own heart.
"Hey." She said, weakly.
Klaus swallowed, throat bobbing. "Hi."
"I'm sorry." She quickly began, anxious to close the distance between them. "I don't want to be apart from you anymore, but the more you grow to love me, the harder it'll be for you, when I…when I go. Because I will, Klaus. Sooner or later, I am going to die. Do you understand that? You can't stop it, no matter how hard you want to."
The words had rushed out sooner than she'd expected, and Klaus looked aghast. "Caroline, please, don't do this…" His voice shook just as tearfully as hers.
"No." She held out a shaking hand, taking a few steps forwards and her palms came to a rest against his pounding chest, the beat of his heart drumming loudly against her fingertips. Caroline ignored the brimming tears in his eyes, and spoke quietly, "I need to say this, and you need to hear it."
By now, Caroline realised how badly her hands were trembling, and how her lower lip had begun to quiver too, but she dug down, and found that small dust of gathered strength and focused on it with all her energy. "I don't want you to be lonely without me, Klaus, because I can't be with you for as long as we'd both have liked." She ignored the slight swell of anger burning inside her own chest. "I'm not asking you to understand God's plans, but He must need me for something else-"
"Screw him, Caroline!" Klaus suddenly cried, snapping out of his stillness.
She suddenly held her breath as his eyes grew angry, fire burning into a deadly rage, the fire of someone who was burning into ashes. "He can't have done this to you! He can't have. You're so…wonderful, and kind and worthy of life. If he has taken that away from you, if you truly believe that, then I hope I go to Hell! Because there is no way that he is a god; not if he takes someone so beautiful and strong from this world. He is no God if he takes you away from me."
Klaus broke off, anger burning into sorrow, and despair. The expression on his face was so beyond pain and sadness that she could think of no words to comfort him, instead watching as his face crumpled, and his eyes watered into a bitter stream of free-flowing tears. "I need you, Caroline. And I will rip heaven apart, cloud by bloody cloud, and steal you back if it comes down to that! Because I will. I'd do that for you, Caroline, and you can put your faith in me, because I swear to you, I'll do that for you-"
"But I don't want you to!" Caroline practically screamed, balling her hands into fists. "Why won't you listen to me?! Damn you!"
Her fists collided with his chest, and Klaus stumbled backwards, reaching to wrap his arms around hers, holding her in place. They paused for a few moments, both breathing fast and hard together, until Caroline finally continued, though more gently this time.
"It's not up to you anymore, Klaus." She said gently, tenderly linking her fingers through his, searching for a sign of understanding. "It never has been, and it never will. It's my decision. I have chosen to accept this, and don't you dare say that I'm going to sit back and give up because I will fight and fight until my last breath! I will fight to live and laugh and love just for more minute. I promise you that. But I'm asking you…no, I'm telling you this, Klaus; understand that I am dying, and deal with it in my chosen way, not yours."
"What can I do then?" Klaus whispered, his eyes dulling to a surrendering sadness. His tone was completely broken; rasped and uneven. "If you won't let me fight for you, what can I do?"
"I'm asking you to fight for me, but not in the way you want to. Fight for me by supporting me. Hold my hand, even when they begin to shake and quiver, be by my side, help me laugh and smile as often as I can, and when I grow ill, still help me do all those things. Only, you may have to try even harder then."
She gave a small laugh, brushing her nose against his. Her thoughts were beginning to clear a little, and Caroline was certain this decision was the right one. "Fight for these moments, Klaus; for the moments we have left. I love you, and I want to spend my time with you." She knew there was one more thing to add, and though it pained her to a whole new level of fear, Caroline forced herself to suggest it anyway. "If that isn't enough for you, then…I won't stop you from leaving."
Klaus reached with his own hand, and brushed his fingers through her hair, curling a lock around his forefinger with a gentle touch. He tilted her chin up, to look at him, and Caroline drank in his open love. "You really think I would leave you?"
"I would leave me." She replied in a small voice.
"I promise; whatever you want, however I can help you, or however I can show that I love you, I'll do it, Caroline. Just tell me what to do."
His voice cracked at the last moment, and Caroline's walls finally snapped, and she began to cry. Heavy streams of tears poured down her cheeks, and Klaus whispered into her ear, holding her against his chest as her fingers curled into his t-shirt. As she wrapped her shaking arms around him, their bodies came together in a wounded connection of two, broken people willing to share their pain. It was exactly what Caroline had wanted, in a strange, lonely way that didn't feel so lonely with another's arms holding every broken part of you together. It felt…safe. And safe, and loving, was precisely what Caroline was longing for, and Klaus was the only one she wanted to receive it from.
Eventually, she leaned back, head still resting against his chest slightly. "Okay…okay…I can't talk about this anymore. I feel like that's all I've been doing for the past five years. I've just been talking about myself, and this cursed illness with doctors, specialists, and my father…and with you. It was nice at first just to separate my life, school and…the illness." Caroline blinked a couple of times, brushing at the drying tears. "Now I realise that I need you for both. To pull me back when I go too far down one or the other." A small smile curved, and Caroline blinked the tears away. "You're my balance, Klaus."
Klaus remained quiet for a few more moments, and Caroline was worried she had thrown too much at him in one go. But then his shoulders relaxed, and his hands tightened around her waist, pulling her closer as his lips found hers, salt from both their tears mingling with a slight taste of mint and whiskey. She closed her eyes, savouring the embrace, lips warm and welcoming. Small smiles broke out on their expressions, and Klaus pulled back to look at her, brown eyes beginning to shine again. "Okay." He murmured.
Raising an eyebrow, Caroline gave shot him a stern look, though it came across partly flirtatious. "You promise you'll do as I said?"
"Well…I can't promise not to ask about your health, Caroline, but I promise to hold my tongue…when I can." Klaus winked, and Caroline almost began to cry again, but this time; in relief. His tiny sign of spark, that familiar Klaus-like charm, seemed to add fuel to her strength, and Caroline leaned forwards, pressing her forehead against his, eyes closed. "Thank you." She said gently.
"For you, anytime…my little bookworm."
"You're so possessive." She grinned against his lips.
His smile grew as well. "Don't pretend that you don't love it."
"Maybe."
"I'll take that as a yes, love."
Once again, reminded of the threat hanging over their relationship, Caroline sighed, and swallowed once. "It can't be like this all the time…can it?" She asked, sadly.
There was another moment's pause. Klaus reached a hand across to loop his fingers through hers, enjoying the slow sensation of burning skin against his cool ones. "I'm afraid not." His voice was sad, but also soft, and encouraging. "But we can find our moments, remember?"
"I hope so." Caroline murmured.
And despite everything hanging over them, all the evils and possible fights and battles they were bound to lose, Caroline and Klaus were happy.
Or at least happy in their agreements.
And perhaps life was going to throw some fairly cruel and undeserving curveballs their way, and fairly soon at that, but Caroline relaxed in the thought that there would also be someone there to help her, someone to make her laugh and tease her, and most likely irritate the living daylights out of her as well.
It wasn't perfect.
In fact, it was far from perfect.
It was as far from perfect as Hell was distanced from Heaven.
But it was a perfect imperfection, and it was theirs.
Well, I think I made up for all the fluffy-ness with this angsty chapter…yikes!
I hope you all enjoyed this, as it was one of my favourite chapters to write, actually. I loved the combination of sadness, strength and yes, a little flirty banter at the end. I'm so pleased with all the reviews/comments I get, and really want to thank you all :)
I'll update soon x
