Chapter 12
Ever
I slammed my bedroom door, making the few pictures I had hanging on my walls jump, then locked it. I walked to my bed on shaky legs and sat down, trying to take a calming breath but another sob came out instead, fresh tears rolled down my cheeks and on to my shirt. I wiped my cheeks on my shoulder.
How could they do this? They said he wouldn't be able to contact me! Why couldn't he just leave me alone? I thought to myself as I glared at the white, rectangular, envelope, it's words written in black ink were scribbled, a tear fell down on it, smearing the words.
Out of know where, the envelope felt searing hot, it burned my fingers making them sting. I threw the letter on to my night stand and buried my face in my hands. This was insane! They couldn't let him send me a letter with out my guardians permission! It was illegal! Unless... Cheyenne and Ben agreed to letting them send it... Would they do that? Why would they do that? They would have to had known it'd upset me. Maybe they wanted my dad and I to become friends? Or maybe they wanted me gone? Knowing it'd make me upset and want to leave them for giving me the letter?
But that was really far fetched and didn't really make sense. I felt like I was talking in circles, rambling. Five questions kept playing through my mind, 1 Why did he send me the letter? 2 What did it say? 3 Should I open it? 4 Did Cheyenne and Ben some how set this up? And 5 How could he just send me the letter?
Number five was the main enigma I was focusing on, 'how could he just send me the letter?' And it was true, after years of abuse and violence, my dad just decides to send a letter and make 'amends'. How was that going to work out? How could he apologize for what he did to me?
I shudder at the memories.
I didn't care what the letter said, he wasn't going to be able to just say sorry. What could he say in the letter? I didn't want to know. I didn't know and I didn't want to read it! I didn't get how he could just do this! I didn't want to read it!
My room started blurring and I saw black dots. I thought I could get away, escape him! But now it's impossible to look at the sky and not see some horrible memory!
The spots grew bigger, taking away most of my vision and I became aware of a burning sensation in my lungs. I tried to breathe but the air seemed to stop in my throat, I tried again and I couldn't even inhale.
Put your head between your legs. The thought came from no where, but I followed it's instructions and air filled my lungs as a coughing fit began and the dots vanished.
I stayed like that for awhile breathing in and out, in and out, and counting each breath. When I reached one hundred breaths, I slowly sat up.
There was knock on my bedroom door breaking the silence, making me jump in shock of it.
"Max?" Cheyenne called softly through the door.
Cheyenne's POV 10minutes before.
Max jumped up, grabbed the letter and ran up the stairs, I heard her start to cry then her bedroom door slammed shut.
I watched the empty stairs. I was surprised she had said all that. She had never talk about her dad like that before... or at all really. She made it pretty clear she didn't want to talk about him. Whenever the subject came up, she'd either leave the room or change the topic. It all seemed to just be building up inside that poor girl and this thing happening had pushed her over the edge.
I tried to image what it would like to be her, how I would feel if I had an abusive Father who had gone to jail and all of the sudden sent me a random letter. My heart went out to her, I felt so guilty.
I had, had no idea the letter was coming, but when it came here, we called Anne to see what to do. She said the choice was our's. So Ben and I decided to let Max choose to read it or throw it out. But I could see now we had made the wrong decision. That poor girl.
I just wanted to go upstairs and give her a big and help her through this. I shook my head and sighed sadly.
I turned to Ben, he looked guilty as well.
"That didn't go very well," He said quietly, running his fingers through his hair.
"That poor girl. I've never seen her like this... She's so upset, everything about him was builded up inside her. And she had no one to talk to! And this happening, it was too much build up, she just broke down," I instantly felt ever guiltier. "What had she said? 'Every where I look there's another memory of what he did to me'?... That's so sad. She- she can't escape. She used to have an abusive Father and finally got taken away from him... But then she still has those memories... Why hadn't she said anything about it before? Do you think we should take her to see a counselor?"
"I think she hasn't said anything before for a few reasons, she doesn't like to talk about her dad, she was scared-"
"What could she be scared of?" I interrupted.
"Well, she an abusive Father who would hit her if she said the wrong thing, or she could be afraid of what we might think, or what we might do if she said anything. We know her, but she's only been living with us for a few months, there's still a lot we don't know. Plus, there's the factor that she's scared and ashamed for her Father raping her all together and she might be embarrassed." Ben answered.
I nodded slowly. "But... She should know she can come to us for anything good or bad, embarrassing or not."
"I'm not so sure about that now, we might think she feels that way, but she might not."
"You're right." I said slowly. "She probably doesn't feel... ready to talk about personal things like that. Over time, though, she might."
Ben nodded.
"Do you think we should take her to a counselor?"
"No, I don't. Or at least not yet. I think she needs some one to talk to right now. And that person is you, she needs a mother- figure to help her."
I stood up. "You're absolutly right. I need to make sure she knows for a fact, that we're here for her. To help her through this." I walked up the carpeted stairs and to her room.
Max's POV
I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to talk either, even if I could manage to talk. Tears were still falling down my face and I didn't want her to know I was still crying.
"Sweetie, can we talk? Will you please open the door?" Her voice was gentle and calm.
I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to let her in, but if I didn't, what would she do?
I slowly stood up and wiped my cheeks, hoping I didn't look like I'd been crying. I took each step carefully one at a time, across my room and finally reached the door. I unlocked it and opened it, out of sheer fear of what they would do if I didn't.
I looked at the ground as Cheyenne stepped into my room. She closed the door.
She reached out her hand- to hit me? I wasn't sure, but I took a step back. Then realizing my mistake I froze and bit my lip.
Cheyenne just looked sadden by my stepping back.
"Max, I- I wanted to say I'm sorry for the letter... Ben and I didn't know it was coming. And we were just as surprised by it as you. We could have thrown the letter away, but... we thought you should be the one to make that decision to keep it or not."
I kept my gaze trained on the floor, not knowing what would happen if I looked up. But at least I knew Cheyenne and Ben didn't set up the letter some how.
"And sweetie, please know this and never forget, if there is ever anything you need or want to talk about, Ben and I both are always there for you. I know the letter upset you, and I'm sorry it did, but if you want to talk about your dad or the letter or anything, I'm here."
I didn't know what to do, so I nodded a little.
I glanced up a little, she was giving me a small, sad, smile. She reached her hand out again, then quickly set it back down at her side.
She seemed to realize I wasn't going to say anything else. "And the choice is your's. Whether you want to keep the letter or not."
Again, a small nod.
We stayed in silence like that for awhile. Finally Cheyenne said, "If you need anything, Sweetie... I'll be down stairs."
She walked out, glancing over her shoulder a little as she left, she also looked sad. She shut my door, and thank god she did, because as soon as I heard the soft "click"of my door closing, I broke down into sobs, my whole body shook as I cried. I collapsed on to the floor and drew my knees up under me, resting my chin on them.
Her saying all this had sprung up new and completely different emotions from before. Guilt for still second guessing Cheyenne and Ben, remorse for making them upset, and the feeling of letting them down some how.
I stayed like that for a long time. I recognized this pain though, the uncontrollable thoughts, hurting so much it felt like being stung, my head throbbing, the lack of control, trying to forget about everything, my dad, the letter, the past, I had felt all this before.
I slowly stood up and stumbled to my night stand, my body shaking. I knelt in front of my night stand and opened the drawer. I pulled my blade out of it's hiding spot and walked to my bedroom door, I opened it silently and entered the hall way.
I walked down the hall to the bathroom. I opened that door, and stepped in, closing and locking it behind me. I turned on the bathroom light and fan. I walked over to the tub and sat down in front of it, leaning my back against the hard, cold, fiberglass of the tub.
I rolled up my sleeve, excepting to see the scars, but instead, I saw a sloppily drawn smiley face staring up at me, covering a few scars.
Fang had drawn it a few nights ago, in Sharpie, reminding me to not hurt myself. I hadn't noticed what he was doing until the face was drawn. Fang. My thoughts flashed to him.
As if I was being controlled by strings, like a puppet, I yanked my cell phone of my back pocket and dialed Fang's number.
It rang once, twice, three times, four times, please answer Fang, I thought.
"Hello?" Fang answered on the seventh ring.
"Fang?" I said quietly, almost shyly and you could tell by my voice I had been crying.
"Max? What's wrong?"
"Can- can you come over please? I... I need your... your help."
"I'm on my way. I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thanks." I whispered and hung up the phone.
Just five minutes, I told myself. Just stay still and don't do anything.
The seconds felt like hours. All I had to do to stop this was swipe the blade across my wrist and everything would be over. Just one cut... I couldn't take this any more! It needed to stop now. I needed it all to stop! I held the blade on my wrist, the skin around it turning white. I just needed to drag it down and it'd all be over... I'd be free.
"Max?" There was a knock on the door.
Fang. The door opened and Fang stepped in, re-locking the door. He faced me and held a bobby pin he had used to pick the lock.
When he saw the scene of me on the floor my face red and wet, my body curled up, and the blade poised over my wrist, he rushed to my side. He grabbed the blade from my surprised hand. I reached for it, that was the only thing that could save me! What was I thinking, calling Fang?
He pulled his hand back and threw the blade over to the other side of the room.
"No!" I yelled.
"Sh," Fang said soothingly.
I tried to stand up to get it, but he pulled me back down into his lap.
Why was he doing this? Why wouldn't he just let me get the blade? It'd end this all so fast! I'd feel better! The feelings would be gone! Almost as if the letter would be gone!
The letter...
I felt my chest shudder again and I bit my lip trying to keep back tears.
This wasn't fair! I was trapped! Trapped every where! Everything was some sick trap! Caging me and haunting me! I felt tears leak from my eyes. I angrily wiped them away.
"This isn't a trap, Max," Fang said, it was then I realized I had been talking out loud the whole time.
I looked up angrily at Fang. His caring eyes met my mind.
This was too much! Why couldn't he leave me alone?
His eyes stared at me.
This was it! I couldn't stand another second of this! Something inside me snapped and I started to cry even harder and sob into his chest.
Like last time, words began following from my mouth about the letter, the scene in the living room, how I had suspected something was up when Cheyenne and Ben had gone outside. How they told me, how I freaked out. How I didn't read the letter. How I hated it! How I hated Dad! It couldn't stop talking! It annoyed me, why couldn't I just shut the hell up?
My sobs turned into shuddered breaths, they turned to silence. Neither one of us saying anything. He held me tight to him and I hugged him back. He was something stable to hold onto, so my world wouldn't turn upside down.
I slowly looked up at him. Again I felt ashamed for being so insane, acting in that matter. But I couldn't help it, I didn't mean to act like that...
He gave me a small smile. "You okay, now?"
"Sorry." I answered in a rusty voice, looking down.
"Don't be." He held me tight and rested his cheek on my head.
"I... I need to go do something." I said standing up.
"Max-"
Fang started but I had already stood up, grabbed my blade, and out the bathroom door to my bedroom.
I quickly hid the blade and grabbed my letter, and by the time Fang had finally caught up and entered my room, he saw me blade- less and clutching the envelope.
"Max?" He said.
I opened my window next to my night stand, a small breeze drifted in. I grabbed a lighter from dresser.
"Max, what are you doing?" Fang demanded.
I held the letter out the window, held the lit lighter under it and watched the letter catch flames. The flames ate the paper fast, within seconds, I only had an inch of paper left. I dropped the piece of left over letter out the window. By the time it reached the ground, it was ash.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to dust
I thought.
