Sam woke up with hair tickling his nose. That wasn't so unusual, but it wasn't his hair, despite smelling vaguely of his shampoo. Something warm and soft shifted slightly underneath his arm. Eileen.
Eileen's alive.
The thought took his breath away for just a moment. She was alive, and here, with him. He thought his heart might burst. Sam didn't know he was even capable of feeling that way about someone anymore.
If you truly loved her you would leave.
The thought felt like a sucker punch. He didn't want to believe the intrusive idea, but it was right. He killed those he loved, directly or indirectly. Just ask Jess or Amy or Madison or Sarah, or even Ellen or Jo or Ash or Bobby or Charlie or Kevin or Cas or Dad or Mom or Dean for that matter. They had all been killed bloody because of him, some of them by his own hand, some of them more than once. Eileen didn't deserve that.
If you truly loved her you would make her leave.
Sam wasn't sure he was capable of doing that. Not again. Eileen had made it clear last night that she wanted to stay, that she wanted to be more than just hunting allies and facetime friends. Could he kill her hopes as well as his own? Did he have the right to deny her that choice?
Why do I always have to be the one sacrificing? Why can't I just have something good for once and keep it?
Sam didn't often listen to that voice. It was bitter and selfish, and kept him from doing what needed done. Eileen shifted slightly, smiling in her sleep, the morning light catching her hair just so and making her look absolutely stunning.
Perhaps, just this once, he would be selfish.
Eileen didn't know what she was thinking. She didn't trust people, and with good reason. She didn't hunt with other hunters, for even better reasons. She hadn't slept with anyone for years, for the best reasons. They had been hard and painful lessons, but she'd learned them well. Following the rules she'd set for herself had allowed her to survive in a world that saw her sex and her disability as weaknesses to be ruthlessly exploited.
Don't trust people. They will always betray you for their own pleasure or gain.
Don't hunt with other hunters. They value your life less than the monsters they kill.
Don't become romantically involved with anyone. They will leave you with nothing but problems and pain.
So here she was, in bed with a hunter.
Paradoxically, Eileen had never been happier, or felt safer, in her entire life than when she was snuggled within the nest of Sam's long limbs. They had talked until Dean noticed she was sagging with exhaustion and had ordered them all to bed. She had tried to take the floor, but neither of the Winchesters was having any of that and she was too tired to put up more than a perfunctory argument. Dean had ended up on the bed by the door watching the custom internet scanner on Sam's laptop, while she had ended up in the other bed snuggled up against Sam's chest. Eileen had fallen asleep almost immediately.
She'd woken up slowly to the feeling of Sam's voice vibrating against her back and through her chest. Eileen thought she could get used to that. It was a much better way to start the day than jackknifing upright with a knife in her hand, convinced that she was about to fight for her life. Sam's ridiculously long body wrapped around her like a cloak. Eileen didn't feel like breaking the peaceful spell, but she wanted to know what was going on, so she slowly opened her eyes a slit. It was just enough to be able to read Dean's lips. No one noticed she was awake.
"...see anything on the scanner last night…" Dean turned to put something in his bag, obscuring her view for a few seconds. "...go home. Eileen will be safe…" He spun, looking for something. "...help look for Jack."
Sam rumbled something softly in reply. Dean's expression grew soft, his posture easing off somewhat from his threatening default.
"Yeah, I'll get the coffee, loverboy."
A short huff of air by her ear indicated that Sam had responded. Dean narrowed his eyes, the corners of his lips tightening. Assessing.
"Sam, are you sure about this?" his eyes darted to Eileen's face, and she had to force herself not to close her eyes tightly and consequently give herself away.
Sam shook his head, his chin rubbing slightly against her short hair. When he spoke, it was in short uncertain bursts. Eileen wished, fervently, that she could hear what he was saying. She didn't wish that often, but every now and again the ability would be useful.
Dean nodded and tilted his head, considering.
"I hear you, Sammy." Dean jerked his chin decisively. "Now, she likes cream, no sugar, right?"
Sam nodded the affirmative. Dean grabbed his keys from the side table.
"...back in 15, so if you want to get busy," he raised his eyebrows suggestively, "you better get busy."
Eileen couldn't see it, but she could feel Sam's exasperated eye roll. Dean laughed as he went to the door. As he turned the knob, he looked over his shoulder. Eileen could barely read his lips from this angle, but she could see enough.
"I just want you to be happy, Sammy. That's all I've ever wanted. If she makes you happy," he nodded towards Eileen, "then I'll make it work. Ok?"
Sam's arms tightened posessively around Eileen. Sam whispered something in return and moments later, she felt the slam of the motel door. His arms around her did not slacken. If anything, they grew even tighter. Lips pressed against the top of her head with tender fierceness. Eileen finally opened her eyes and shifted so Sam would know she was awake. He said something, but since his face was still somewhere above her head she had no idea what it was. Eileen languidly rolled over so they were face-to-face.
"Again for the deaf girl in the crowd," she teased slightly. Sam colored in the most adorable way.
"Did you sleep well?" he said again. Eileen couldn't help but smile.
"Terribly. I missed all the rocks in my back and the bugs crawling over my face and waking up with wet socks."
Sam laughed and quickly pecked her lips. That impulsive kiss quickly became a longer, more intentional one. The voice in her head screamed that she was making a mistake, that she was breaking every rule in the rulebook, that this would end horribly and she would regret it. Eileen viciously silenced that voice by twining her fingers into Sam's long soft hair and forcing herself to just be in the moment. Even if things went sideways later, she would at least have this good memory to hold on to.
Eileen had thought for the longest time that Sam wasn't interested. They had formed a strong working relationship, but there was always something a little off about his body language. It was like he was holding himself on a leash. Having found and read Carver Edlund's books while in hiding, Eileen felt she understood a little bit why. Sam was afraid. Of himself, and of her, but mostly what might happen to her because of him. That was understandable. He had Reasons to think that way. She had her Reasons too, but Sam had proven himself to be an exception so far. She'd just have to prove the same to him as well.
