Parental Perspective
Alice sent me a text saying Charlie had seen her with Jake at Harry's funeral. Apparently, he was shocked by her new appearance and didn't do a good job of hiding it.
Unfortunately for Alice, her body was emaciated from her time in the mental institution, and she'd only had two months of healthy eating since returning to her human form to begin repairing the damage. Her bright blue eyes seemed too big for her face. Her black hair was buzzed close to her head, having been cut short all those years ago to avoid concerns with lice. When she'd been changed into a vampire, her hair had grown by several inches, giving her just enough to accomplish the spiky look she'd sported previously. Once she changed back to a human, the hair reverted to its original length. Her skin was sickly pale, from not having exposure to sunlight while in the asylum. She looked like she'd been enduring chemotherapy.
I was glad Charlie had seen her for himself, as it lent credence to my tale of a terrible illness striking the family. Now Charlie wouldn't hold the Cullens' disappearance against anyone but Edward, since I'd explained that the others had tried to leave me contact information.
When he got home, he confronted me, confessing, "Uh, Bells, I overheard your explanation about the Cullens to Angela and Jessica this morning."
I grinned. "I know, Dad. I heard you come down the steps and stop at the bottom. You're not as stealthy as you think you are."
"Oh," he muttered, blushing. He grimaced. "Well, I saw Alice today. If Edward looks anything like her, which I'm guessing he does, then there's no doubt he went through something terrible and life-threatening. You said he'd already started showing symptoms when they left?"
I nodded.
He sighed, "Thank goodness you didn't catch it too! Though perhaps you'd have been happier going into quarantine with them."
I gave him a half-smile and a shrug. What can I say to that?
He furrowed his brow and hesitantly offered, "You know, Bells, I really don't like that boy, but I feel it's only fair to mention he might've already been affected mentally by the illness when he decided to lie to you about his prognosis. Sick people often make foolish choices, thinking they're protecting their loved ones by hiding the truth about their diagnoses. He wouldn't be the first person to push away someone they love to prevent them from suffering alongside of them as they die."
"Yeah, I know. Alice pushed Jasper away when she caught the disease and he didn't. She broke up with him, even though he was willing to be with her every step of the way. Then, when she got better, things were strained and awkward between them. She'd mentally moved on without telling him and he'd held out hope of them getting back together. Yesterday, she met Jake for the first time when he brought me home, and it was love at first sight for both of them. Jake asked her out almost immediately, and she accepted. Then we all went over to the Cullen house, and it was hard for Jasper to see the two of them together, to know once and for all it was well and truly over, since she'd kind of been stringing him along."
Charlie furrowed his brow, confused. "Yeah, I saw her with Jake at the funeral. I thought he was sweet on you."
I shrugged. "I know you had high hopes in that direction, but I only see him as a little brother, Dad. We get along great together, but we realized there's no chemistry between us."
"If you just gave him a chance . . .," Charlie complained.
I glared at him. "I did, Dad. I gave him a chance earlier yesterday, and we both realized it didn't feel right for us to be anything other than brother and sister. Okay? Are you happy now? That's why he felt it was time to move on, and when he saw Alice, he seized the opportunity."
Charlie frowned and looked away. "Oh. I didn't realize."
I sighed. "Look, I know you've been worried about me, but I'm going to be fine. Now that I know the Cullens are all fine, I'm not depressed anymore, and I'm completely over Edward. I'm ready to move on with my life too."
"Why didn't you tell me you thought they were off somewhere dying? I would've understood your grief so much better. It makes so much more sense than you becoming catatonic over a simple break up," Charlie asked.
I frowned and bit my lip. "I promised I wouldn't tell anybody about the whole quarantine thing. I wasn't even supposed to know, but I overheard some things I wasn't supposed to and guessed their secret. The CDC [Center for Disease Control] was worried about starting a panic in town and having a bunch of hypochondriacs coming down with fake symptoms, so the Cullens were under orders not to tell anyone the truth. I didn't want them to get in trouble with the government, so I gave my word to Edward to keep the secret. By the time I was thinking rationally enough to realize I still could have told you and trusted you to keep it secret, so much time had already passed I didn't think it mattered. I mean, I knew I couldn't say anything about it to Renee, or she'd have had me at the hospital in a heartbeat insisting we both had it."
"Ugh, yeah, she would've," he admitted. "Okay. I know you weren't in your right mind for quite a while, and now I understand why. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why Alice at least wouldn't contact you, but after seeing her, I understand that too. Poor thing clearly had a real rough time of it. She obviously wasn't in any condition to be calling or emailing you. She must've nearly died."
"Yeah," I agreed.
Charlie sighed. "And you not receiving any contact would've fueled your belief they were already dead. I can't blame Carlisle either. With his wife and four of his children on their deathbeds, I'm sure your relationship with Edward was the least of his concerns."
I huffed. "Yeah, Edward told his family we'd mutually agreed to a break up so I could contemplate my future. Of course, they thought I must be a real bitch to desert him in his time of need, but he claimed he didn't tell me of his illness at all, so then they couldn't blame me. They were shocked to find out how he lied and to know I'd been mourning for them all this time. Edward had no idea I loved him and his family so much, because his feelings for me weren't as strong as mine for him. He only loved the idea of me, not who I really am. He wanted to mold me into someone entirely different. He thought I'd agree to getting married right out of high school and start popping out babies. He's delusional."
Charlie scowled. "I'm glad you gave him the boot. I noticed the way he was always condescending toward you, even though he used flowery words of praise and adoration. He seemed more obsessive and possessive than loving and caring. Whenever you two disagreed about something, you'd start to stand up for yourself, and then suddenly you'd become passive, submissive, agreeing to do things his way. It greatly disturbed me, and honestly, I used to watch you carefully, looking for signs of physical abuse. Your personality was changing, becoming subverted to his, and you started withdrawing from your friends, becoming isolated. There were a lot of red flags in your relationship."
I sighed and nodded in agreement, remembering the way he'd frequently dazzled me to get his way. "Yeah, he never really listened to me. He thought my opinions were immature, that I didn't know my own mind. That was probably the biggest clincher to tell me he wasn't the right guy for me. He's got this weird, antiquated idea that the guy in a relationship should make all the decisions, and I finally realized he never saw me as an equal and never would. Originally, I let him get away with making decisions for us without arguing, because I put him up on a pedestal. I felt insecure and believed he did know best, because he was so much more confident and worldly than I was. I had a bit of hero worship going on, because he was always saving me – Tyler's van, Port Angeles, Phoenix. . ."
"Wait, what happened in Port Angeles?" Charlie demanded.
"Oh, I got lost in a bad part of town and four drunk guys were following me with less than honorable intentions. Luckily, Edward was driving by and saw me, so he stopped and offered me a ride. I hopped in and we drove away. That was the night I went shopping with Jessica and Angela. That's when I first started getting to know him," I admitted, waving my hand dismissively.
Charlie had frozen in place, tense and pale. He shook himself as I moved on with my dialogue. "He was always catching me whenever I tripped. He loved feeling like a superhero, saving the damsel in distress. It was a novelty for me at first, to be taken care of so thoroughly by someone else, when I'd always been used to fending for myself and taking care of others. It was kind of like I could finally relax and just be a kid for once, you know."
"What do you mean? Your mom took care of you, didn't she?" Charlie asked, disgruntled.
I scoffed. "Charlie, I've been balancing her checkbook since I was 6 years old. I started earning money to put food on our table at age 10 via petsitting, babysitting, and other odd jobs, whatever I could find a neighbor willing to pay me to do. Before I learned to cook, I ate nothing but peanut butter sandwiches every night for dinner, because that's all I knew how to make. Even when I was a toddler, Renee would just point me toward the pantry when I was hungry or toss me a piece of bread with nothing on it. She left me to my own devices for hours on end, not wanting to pay a babysitter, while she went off and did her own thing, whether working or playing. I got new clothes from the Goodwill twice a year, just before I'd come visit you in summer and again before your visit at Christmastime. I worked hard to keep them clean and in good repair. I learned how to sew out of necessity. Everything I needed to know I learned from sweet little old ladies in the neighborhoods wherever we lived, until they would begin asking awkward questions about why I was alone so much. Then Renee would move us, before Child Protective Services could be called in to investigate."
Charlie stared at me, horrified. "I had no idea! I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought you'd be better off with your mother, or else I'd have fought for custody!"
I shrugged.
He furrowed his brow, "Is that why you took over all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry when you came here? I mean, it's normal for kids your age to have chores and contribute to the running of the household in preparation for living on your own once you graduate, so I was glad you stepped up to the plate without me having to force the issue. I guess I should've questioned why you were being so responsible, unlike most teenagers, who whine and complain about having to do the least little thing."
I shrugged again. "Hey, it's no big deal. I don't mind taking care of you. At least you pay all your own bills, so I don't have to worry about whether or not we'll have electricity or running water on any given day."
He shook his head. "Bella, you don't have to take care of me. I've been taking care of myself for the past 18 years. I was just trying to ensure you knew how to take care of yourself, since you'll soon be on your own, once you leave for college."
"Dad, you didn't have any food in your fridge or pantry when I got here," I reminded him. "Do you want to end up with a heart attack like your friend Harry?"
He scowled at me. "Harry was ten years older than me and had a heart condition. While he did have the beginning stages of heart disease, it wouldn't have affected him yet if he didn't already have a congenital defect. It was genetic, not just poor diet and lack of exercise. I'm in excellent shape, Bella, and perfect health. I get a physical every year, and I exercise daily. My cholesterol and blood pressure are well within acceptable limits."
I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Okay, if you say so."
He sighed. "I tried to give you your space, because I was remembering how much I hated for my mom to hover when I was your age. I'm sorry if that gave you the impression that I didn't care or that I wouldn't take care of you the way a father should. I didn't want to drive you away by being all up in your business. You always came to me so hard and withdrawn when you would visit over the summer. I didn't know how to reach you. You seemed so uncomfortable with mushy words and shows of affection that I eventually stopped both. It never occurred to me to ask you why you didn't want to be hugged and cuddled like other kids your age. Renee told me it was just part of your personality, that you weren't the touchy-feely kind of person, and I wanted to respect that. I even brought you to the pediatrician and asked him about it, when you were young, because I was worried something wasn't right. He told me he didn't see any signs or symptoms of abuse and claimed you were just slightly autistic, saying I should expect you to be uncomfortable with normal social interactions. That's why I never pushed it. I thought I was helping, but obviously, it wasn't what you really needed."
I felt bad now. I had always dismissed Charlie as an inattentive parent, though not in the same neglectful way as Renee. I had never given him a chance to be the kind of parent I wanted, never allowed him close emotionally.
"I'm sorry, Dad," I whispered. He smiled and pulled me into a hug. This time I accepted it, melting against him instead of standing tense and rigid in his arms. He tightened his embrace slightly, making me feel safe and loved. I could feel the difference. In the past, I had always been the one holding him at arm's length, unwilling to trust him as a result of Renee's neglect. I had transferred my own emotional awkwardness onto him. He had merely been responding to my awkwardness, while I had thought we were both emotionally distant people.
For the first time, I entertained thoughts of what my childhood might have been like if Charlie had gotten custody of me instead of Renee. She never wanted me around, and only kept me because of the check Charlie sent every month like clockwork. She felt like I held her back from experiencing life to its fullest. Yet she was happy to have Charlie financing her adventures.
"No, I'm sorry, sweetie," he whispered back. "I never knew you were robbed of your childhood. You never said anything when you came to visit. I tried to do right by you, but I guess I understand now why you were such a solemn little thing that didn't seem to know how to play. I should've recognized there was something wrong, shouldn't have known the doctor was wrong, even though you never complained. I've been trying to treat you like an adult ever since you moved here, because age wise that's what you are, but I didn't know you needed more from me. I didn't realize you'd see that as more neglect."
I felt guilty then, looking back over my interactions with Charlie for the past year. I could see now how he was always there for me, just waiting for me to come to him. Every day he would ask me questions about what was going on in my life, trying to reach me, to know me, but I would usually reply with vague single word answers. Whenever I approached him while he was watching tv, he never failed to mute the volume and give me his undivided attention. He never forgot to give me money for groceries and often did little things to take care of me, like putting the snow chains on my tires and performing all the routine maintenance on the truck for me. He'd gotten me the truck in the first place so I could have my independence and my dignity, not having to constantly be carted around by him in his police car.
Every weekend he'd offer to stay with me, to spend time with me doing whatever I wanted, but I always pushed him away, encouraging him to spend time with his friends instead, telling him I wanted to be alone. Whenever Renee had offered to stay with me, she had never wanted me to accept. She wanted me to reassure her it was fine to leave me by myself while she went off and had fun with her friends. When she did stay home with me, she'd become passive aggressive and end up making us both miserable, so I'd quickly learned it was better to send her away.
I had assumed it would be the same with Charlie. Looking back at my memories with my new perspective of Charlie, I could finally recognize the hurt in his eyes every time I practically shoved him out the door, sending him away, shutting him out of my life. He really had wanted to be with me, to bond with me. He enjoyed having me around, spending time with me.
"I love you, Bells," he murmured into my hair. "You'll always be my little girl, no matter how old you get or what you choose to do with your life. I'll always be here for you. I may not always agree with you or like the choices you make, but I do promise to always be supportive of you and love you til the end of time."
"I love you too, Dad," I whispered, choking back tears.
xxxxxxx
AN: I had to write the second half of this chapter 3 times, because it kept disappearing! The first time was on Microsoft Works, when the computer just up and restarted for no apparent reason. So I uploaded what I had, switched computers, and rewrote the second half in Doc Manager under the edit function. I don't know what I accidentally pressed, but just as I finished, the page reloaded, erasing everything I'd been working on for the past hour. At this point, I was pretty doggone frustrated and was wondering if the universe just didn't like this chapter. Still I buckled down and wrote it again, for the third time, saving every few sentences to be safe.
So PLEASE review, so I know it was worth all the frustration I endured to get it to you. Thanks!
